So back in my using days, me and many of the people I know, and even don’t know, used to use holidays as an excuse to get wasted. Whether it was Halloween, Thanksgiving Eve, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Memorial Day Weekend, etc. This is my second Halloween in recovery, although last year I don’t know if I was so much just staying clean as opposed to actually living in recovery. So anyways, this year is scaring me a little. I have always gone to clubs or parties on Halloween, and my friend count isn’t so high these days, and I am just feeling like celebrating the way I am used to. My disease and my recovery are having a battle in my mind and I want to stay clean, I have that choice today. I just am having trouble really being able to let loose and relax and have fun. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

It is almost like we are working steps and changing our lives to fit into society, but the society I see is one that makes it okay to be 15 years old and get drunk every weekend with your friends. The stigma is that we as a society, have made it acceptable to get drunk and celebrate and bond during a holiday. There are many times I can remember getting wasted and becoming best friends with someone, for the night. The fact that I feel like I barely have friends right now is making me yearn to just have that bond, even for one night. So how am I supposed to want to be a productive member of society, when society makes it okay for me to slowly kill myself. I certainly do not want that. I am trying to figure out where I belong and it is a journey that is taking me to places where I am learning so much about myself, and my disease.

Sometimes I feel out of place at meetings, I don’t know if it is my disease or actuality, but I never used alone, it was always at parties with people. I think it’s my disease trying to get me to feel isolated so that I use. So instead of doing that, I talk about it, here, or in meetings, or with my support. I utilize intherooms.com for support lately. I have been able to connect with others, like myself, who are trying to change their lives and become people who enjoy and appreciate life.

This Halloween I will not focus on what I am missing out on because I am an addict. I will embrace that I am an addict and celebrate the fact that I have money to get a costume(barely thanks to the economy). I will enjoy being with a partner who truly loves me for me, and accepts my defects. I will be thankful that God has given me a second chance to truly live life, clean and sober.