“I want to hear about the I chose to pick up again? I to have chose to do so. I want to come back to recovery.”

“I want to hear about the “I chose to pick up again as well….I’m in the same boat “

Now that you’ve seen a little about me and I’ve had a chance to bore you with my story, lets look at something interesting. “Interestingly” enough, I’ve already had some requests for the topic of relapse.  First of all, this is a touchy subject; recovery’s “dirty” word causing raised eyebrows in local meetings everywhere. Opinions on relapse; range from cat spitting anger to mild disdain to a pat on the head  or compassion. Or a mixture of them all which would be really odd to have someone scream at you and belittle you because they “love you man”. Wait.  Isn’t that “old school”? Somewhat kidding; okay I’m not kidding.

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

OK YOU CAN WAKE UP.  The doctors have left the building. Yawn and bore I know. But we have to have a working definition of what the hell we’re dealing with … us folk are big on “oh yeah PROVE it.”

Now that we’re on the same page here;  lets take a look at the idea of a medical illness. (This is ONE issue I shan’t debate. It’s a physical disease ; there’s lots of proof of this too bad if you don’t agree. This statement should get some comments)  Ever seen a diabetic wolf down a candy bar? Or a person with lung cancer still smoke?  How bout someone with cancer in so much denial that they refuse treatment for their illness? Psychological aspects occur in every illness, not just addiction.

DENIAL an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable. (from Dictionary.com) We don’t KNOW that we dont’ KNOW.  I mean for shitsakes people how many of you consciously decided … HEY WORLD I WANNA BE A DRUNK AND/OR DOPE FIEND. RUIN MY LIFE AND SCREW YOURS TOO!!

Yeah. Didn’t think so. Me either. It was fun and cool and made me feel good. Period.  That’s when all the trouble started. Cause’ it made me feel TOO good. It fit with my body chemistry very very very (get the idea?) very very well.  The slip into denial was a long one. Little if any consequences mattered at first.  I was ALL about it.  There’s the kicker with addiction … it makes us feel so good (brain chemistry 101 to come) that it “can’t possibly be that. Has to be everyone else’s fault”.  Addiction is a disease of “It’s you not me” and “If only you’d all think my way” and “Kiss my ass I ain’t quitting!” and on and on.

Sick people, desperate for answers, hitting bottom and realizing that they’re NOT bad. SO sick that we have to lose everything. Enter recovery. Meetings and fellowship and amazingness. The issue at  hand is CONTINUING to do the things that work. To stay OUT of denial. To remember that I’m always gonna have this illness and it’s my responsibility to keep it in remission.  (Now I’m a pretty openminded chick.  I say recovery is a personal thing. I’m a card carrying member of  several twelve step groups, I dig em.  I’ve known people who go to church and stay clean … it’s all okay with me.)

Just like recovery is a process, so is relapse but in reverse. Slipping slowly down into the sick. Consciously knowing better but doing it anyway. Terence Gorski is UBER in this arena and has revolutionized the way we look at relapse. He explains this sooo much better than I, lemme link you peeps up. There are actual relapse prevention plans available here so that you can identify warning signs, triggers, etc etc … check it out.

http://www.tgorski.com/gorski_articles/understanding_relapse.htm

What we have is a treatable illness here. Start treating. Do the work of recovery. Meetings, step work, sponsorship, yadda yadda. Also look inside yourself. Decrease shame. Find the YOU that’s inside. It’s worth it.  You’re worth it.  Come back home, we need you here. This blog is too long already … I’ll share part two (personal slide into hell) tomorrow.

And as my first sponsor said in regards to me bitching about the unfairness of it all and not LIKING the work of recovery (she laughed at me every time, yeah it was kinda funny): “Who ever said you were sposed to like it??? No one ever told me THAT shit. They just said… Wanna live? Do this.”