“you have received a gift certificate from Buy.com  Personal Message from Anonymous: Yes, there will be Mommy presents”

Shock, awe, tears streaming; leaving gray marks from excessive eyeliner on my pink cheeks. Anonymous showed me something tonight. Something huge, something sweet and pure. Giving with no expectations. HUGE.Allowing someone the gift of receiving. Even HUGER.

I’m not one to receive well. I hem and haw around, shuffling my feet, kicking dirt; uncomfortable with the idea of receiving. “I’m a giver”, I say. Bullshit. It was my self concept that had difficulty accepting such beauty. “No it’s okay. I’m fine.” Sometimes I’m NOT fine! At times I NEED the comfort of another to get me through the darkness.  Be it friend, family, lover, sponsor and recovery folk;  sometimes I need someone to  hold my hand.  For just a moment.  So that I know I’m not alone.

Lesson to learn, learning, learned.  Accepting love is a huge risk.  Old messages say “what do they want” “why me?” blah blah blah … fuck that.  Why NOT me? Am I not deserving of kindness and compassion?  Of gifts given from the heart filled with unconditional love? You bet your ass I am.  Just like you.  The you sitting there at that keyboard right now.  Who is clinging to life by a thread or is used to being a “giver” or believes that they’re good enough but hasn’t let anyone close enough to receive.  Or maybe you’re just filled with gratitude at the magnitude of gifts already given in recovery (and it doesn’t matter WHAT you’re recovering from btw).

The peace of waking up with a clear head.  Of knowing where you were last night, and more importantly who or what you did *wink*.  Being able to walk with your head held high, one day clean and sober or hundreds of days in a row.  That you are part of something BIGGER than yourself; no longer alone you can bask in the truth of the “WE ARE”.  Families mended, hearts turn from black to red beating with the love found in meeting halls across the world.  The knowing of self, (indescribable to those who don’t get it so I won’t even try) which is in fact the biggest gift of them all.

So. I thank you “Anonymous” from the bottom of my heart.  You gave me many gifts this cold winter night and I shall be forever grateful to you this Christmas morning.  My kids will love the handheld games I purchased with your help.  And that present given to them will be sent with whispered kisses and hugs from ones who give without expectation.  I am moved. Deeply and profoundly. I accept this gift and will always remember …

Yes, there will be Mommy presents …