hint, hint. wink.
A little snide here, a bit of self absorbed there, a smidge of jealousy, a whiff of demanding. First getting to know someone whether ethernet induced or “real” life (lol what is real anyway?), you always have hints. An inkling, if you will, of things to come. Prescient subconscious nudges of “WTF” and “this ain’t good mama”, are just begging to be listened to.
But noooooooooo. You wanna be “nice” (middle finger inserted here) and see them for who they REALLY are. Them demanding all your time is okay right? Means they like ya (Jim Carey voice here). Jealous? Oh nooooooo, that’s not jealousy it’s just being protective (ahem). Like OMG they really care about me you tell your friends in a valley girl voice. I mean like he wants to SEND me stuff. Like that costs MONEY!!! Totally tubular. (wtf?)
Time marches. Hints turn into HELLO I KNOW … you just didn’t say that to me? You’re tryin’ to tell me not to talk to WHOM? (yes grammar is important) Or… I’m not showing you THAT (on webcam). Okay maybe once cause it’s hot and I like seeing myself on camera, but BOO for asking. Really? You just didn’t say that about me in front of EVERYONE!!! Ass.
Yep. Betcha been there. Or done it even, who knows. People generally put their best foot forward in the beginning. We, as sentient human beings purportedly know this. Ignore on, blinders up, pull the wool over our own eyes. Yep. Also, and more importantly, we get stuck in Fantasy Island (aww Tattoo … midget… cute.). The what if’s, could be’s, and if only’s come out to play and we build people up to be something they’re just … NOT.
So. Next time your gut is doing a primal scream of “somethin’ ain’t right up in here”. Listen would ya? THAT… is the voice of reason. Be cautiously optimistic. Now before the great J rolls his eyes at me about the raw … I’m not saying to flip off the real and avoid playing in the pain-box. All experience is golden and vulnerability is orgasmic. I AM saying that when you see the flashing red lights, pay fukkin attention. There are plenty of playmates out there kiddo that’ll not trigger the inner uh-oh. (hey!! i like that … “inner uh-oh”, good book chapter no?)
In essence; be wise, be mindful and pick your do-si-do partner carefully. When your “sick sense neurons” don’t send you as many “WTF! I know you just didn’t … ” messages, get down and dirty and doggie style (it’s a metaphor people chill out). In order to get bettah at bein on the real, someone has GOT to stimulate that shit. If it means masturbation for a minute, so be it. Nobody likes an unfair fight. Spar baby, pro style. Amateur hour is ovah.
How ’bout the primal screams of “something IS right up in here”? And the ultra rawness of being vulnerable, allowing someone to behold the the “real” you and bearing witness that they CAN and DO stick their ending, daily. No “inner uh-ohs” here. Its just me, for I am A Warrior of the Light.
mister minded … that topic is for another blog titled … “I got you … or … turn on your lantern”
OMG – just what I needed to hear – 2 sickies don’t make a wellie. Met up online with old friend, turns out we both had crushes on one another, back then… but never hooked up…fast forward, he’s clean 11 years, I’m clean 8 years, he’s single father, I’m single mother…you get the point – It’s FATE !
Well after 6 week courtship (Long distance too) if you can call it that, my vulnerability is screaming not to get any closer, as he seems to be moving further away – so as any good alcoholic – I do the opposite of what the inner voice is saying. Disaster ! Overkill on charachter defects. When the dust cleared, the OMG takes over and I see where I had been wrong. Now just waiting for the pain to pass and learn from the experience.
It took me nigh on 2 years to ignore that inner voice screaming and shouting at me WTF are you doing in this relationship. And to top it off with a bit more insanity, she was using!!
I had fallen in love with a fantasy of what I thought a functional relationship was about, but in reality I didn’t have a clue what that was coz I’d never experienced one. So after my sponsor asking me for the next 2 years “have you had enough pain yet?” I finally replied “yep!” But the important point here is… I had to go and have a play in that pain box and come out the other side growing from that experience. Someone else couldn’t do the research for me, just like every vital lesson I’ve learned in recovery. I wouldn’t advise that amount of pain, but I’m much more able to help others from that experience and that I’m sure was Gods plan for me….