Yup. I’m goin there. Epic “no-no”, cause of arguments, discussions, eye brow raises and 13th step jokes. Down this slippery slope I go (pun absolutely intended). So … you wanna go for coffee after the meeting? Best recovery pick up line EVER!!!
New in recovery … or even not so new. Sex can be a difficult topic to discuss. Of course we can refer to our handy dandy recovery books … but all they basically say is ask God and don’t hurt anybody. God likes sex doesn’t he/she/it? I would assume so since we were created to do it. Some say instinct and some say need. Other schools of recovery thought are coitus anarchists and say “Strap me up baby I’m gettin’ my groove on”. Others go for the penile prohibition choice, “No sex except for a loving committed relationship … after a year … after the steps … after you’re old and shriveled. And for goodness sakes don’t enjoy it”.
My opinion varies on the subject. Being a divorced mother of three little cutie pies, my ability to meet eligible men is sketchy at best. Meet men at meetings? Then you hear “Don’t shit where you eat. AA is not a pickup joint.” Just for the purpose of being contrary I wonder where exactly us 30-ish, in our sexual prime (omg) folk are sposed’ to find a sexual partner or at least a date for movie night? Blah.
Everyone being at a different level of recovery/spirituality/healthiness (whatever that means), would suggest that we must be careful in our interactions. What’s okay to one of us certainly won’t be to another. I think the key may be to NOT be selfish??? The ability to have compassion and see other people for where they are … without judgment. Little Suzy sunshine may SAY that she can do the horizontal mambo and just be “friends”. Ahem. Three weeks later when your phone blows up every ten seconds would say otherwise. And that hot-ass new guy that promises that he wants a serious relationship and “We can stay sober together!” … I don’t think I need to finish that thought. At least I hope I don’t … gawd.
Wary of offers for “coffee” from the opposite sex after meetings. Those lead to U-Hauls in driveways more often than not. At the very least, could lead to waking up next to someone you really may not know well or even like that much if ya do know em. If someone is pushin to unzip the jeans, even if ya wanna REAL bad, make em’ wait and see if they’re in it to win it … or for the five minute show. Unless the five minute show is all ya want. Be careful though; the fallout can be seriously whack and you may break out in stalkers.
Like anything else in life and especially recovery, we don’t need any more shit than is already on our plate. Sex can be amazing, or a diversion, or a quick fix, or the start of something good. Know yourself, know your motives, for shitsakes be honest. Meanwhile, “self love” remains my best friend. Don’t even have to wear makeup or sexy outfits … although I usually do. Sexy is an attitude. Try not to pervert it. Or do pervert it … just don’t bitch about the consequences.
Heya g/f, I couldn’t have said that better meself!! Great read!! ty
Sexy is an attitude of Gratitude!!
hugs n love, lala
smexy (smart & sexy) is an even better attitude…and why I like you so much.
I think you’re a good one, and hey, I’m one smart cookie.
krav (resident self-appointed genius)
i love canoes. nuff said
Well said. A difficult subject handled with just the right amount of humor.
*curtsy* why thank you good sir =)
that was really good and kept my attention til the end, great stuff. as a male in recovery and just coming back into the rooms amazingly i find my brothers finding it hard to deal with the topic of impotency as shared in the BigBook A/A. sometimes i’m told i’m too honest or to forward… eitherway, i appreciate all that you shared
Thank you so much for saying what i need to hear. I have been friends with this guy from the rooms and i feel like i want somthing more, but im not sure. Thank u for reminding me to check my motives, be honist, and to make them wait
I enjoyed reading your article. It was well thought out, honest and to the point. You brought up some good points..where do we meet potential mates outside of the rooms?..examine our motives..being honest with ourselves. Between work, meetings and service work, I don’t have time to do much of anything else. Plus, it would be nice to find a woman that strives to become more self-aware/spiritual like some of those that I meet in recovery.
It is a as you put it..a slippery slope..the women I grow to respect and trust, have become my good friends, and I don’t want to take the chance of complicating those friendships. So what is a guy to do?
Swapping from putting something in my body for a head change to putting your body in something for a head change is really not a good solution. The first three years i was in recovery I developed my sex addiction. “Chicks” became my drug of choice. I am so thankful to God that I my eyes were opened! I no longer use the amazing gift God gave us (sex) as a drug. Today I do not objectify women and I believe God is growing me in ways that would not be possible if I were still stuck in acting out on my selfish desires. I am a long way from where I want to be but I have come a long way too. I like who I am today and I KNOW God is with me in all my struggles. I think if a person has come to a place that they are in recovery, but continue to “fix”, they may want to seek God more and pray for courage, strength, and wisdom on the matter! God has great plans for us all, it’s up to us to seek what they are. GBU
I think I messed up. I seduced him with meals talked him up then accepted the invitation Now he doesn’t call. My sponsor said dont take it personal.I fully accept my responsibility for my actions. Now how do I go back to the beginningof this mess and make it right???/can I make it right with him(he will have 1 yr 3/24/11)start over with a clean slate what yall I do love him for the good and the bad. Not looking for marriage just redemption is there any for me??? HELP
deborah … the only way (in my experience) to make this right is to simply clean up your side of the street dear. which it sounds like you’ve done … the person who you might need to make amends to is yourself. don’t be so dang hard on you dear … i mean really … we all want love and to be loved … we don’t always do everything right … and you are precious material girl … never to be given away for free. keep the focus on you and remember that everything heals with time.
sometimes redemption comes from within. be well.
I have to say if you are open to others you can find someone outside the rooms. I met my wife online. We chatted quite awhile before meeting. I would say that in recovery the first three years were me, myself and I. I then dated women I met outside the rooms by choice. I have only dated someone in the rooms once. She had a different home group. We just were not enough alike. I enjoyed the sex and so did she( at least I think so). We ended it as friends. Sex is fun, but it is not the answer i.e. the solution. I used the stuff on page 70 in the BB. I have found that I enjoy sex a whole lot more now than I used to. I enjoy thinking about it, laughing about it, hearing about it, haha. Truly it is more enjoyable now. Thanks, Rod
I have to say if you are open to others you can find someone outside the rooms. I met my wife online. We chatted quite awhile before meeting. I would say that in recovery the first three years were me, myself and I. I then dated women I met outside the rooms by choice. I have only dated someone in the rooms once. She had a different home group. We just were not enough alike. I enjoyed the sex and so did she( at least I think so). We ended it as friends. Sex is fun, but it is not the answer i.e. the solution. I used the stuff on page 70 in the BB. I have found that I enjoy sex a whole lot more now than I used to. I enjoy thinking about it, laughing about it, hearing about it, haha. Truly it is more enjoyable now. Thanks, Rod
I think Helen Fisher’s work on the brain and love is very helpful, at least it made great sense to me, in regards to the male physiology of infatuation/love. And your post took me back to my early days, when I was hoping that I was attractive to the women in the program, and struggling with desire and steps and not knowing that there was a great deal more to know about my behavior/motives in regards to sex and relationship. Mike