Serenity: a disposition free from stress or emotion, the absence of mental stress or anxiety.

Trudgin’ along on this road of happy destiny. Kickin’ it sobah style, clean as a … whistlin’ the happy tune of life. AKA the “pink” cloud as some snarky, sarcastic folk say.  I just call it simple relief from the bondage of self.  All of a sudden, the thinking comes back.  Seemingly outta nowhere; it squib kicks ya in the gut and the gray matter, and the pink drips slowly away.

Restless, irritable, and discontent. Free floating anxiety. When-is-the-other-shoe-gonna-drop-ism.  The damn floor just dropped. Things are going TOO good, it’s bound to get whack sooner or later. I can’t do this.  It’s too hard. Why didn’t they call? These people can’t really be that nice. What’s wrong with me? I’m lost. Doom. Gloom. Boom.  Some of these may apply … some may not. Take what you want and leave the rest of it for the really sick people like yours truly.

Where’d my serenity go? My peace of mind? The happy just up and left me, without even a “Dear Amy” letter. WTF? Seepage of old thoughts flow in. It happens to all of us. If you say it doesn’t, you’re a stone cold liar and pfft on you. Treatment folk coined it “stinkin thinkin”. I prefer clusterfucked but then again, cursing works for me. Catharsis.

Easy to get all the way down it, when life comes to call.  The recovery gods know we don’t do emotions gracefully. Like feeling sad when sad things happen, crying a bit and grieving? Um. No.  Kicking, screaming, victimizing, rationalizing, justifying, hissy fits and tantrums, poor me’s and F-you’s; are certainly my experiences with emotions early on. Hell even yet still today on Amy’s Sober World Fun Ride, there are dips that go pretty low.

How do ya soothe the savage thought? Flip it a steak and call me in the morning.  Just taking the word serenity in the context of our opening/closing “prayer”;  applies to three things. Grant me the serenity (state of being tranquil, calm, serene) to accept the things I cannot change, the courage (not wanting to but doing it anyhow) to change the things I can, and the wisdom (knowledge of what is true or right) to know the difference.

Basically … Give me the ability to be calm and serene so that I know:  what I can really change … then let me DO this deal … and be smart enough to know one from the other.  Best practice towards this is always … investigation.  If you have the eyes to see it, the 12 step show is always asking WHY.  In the early days for me it was like a nagging mother in law “why’d ya do this .. or that .. or the other?” “what’s yer problem young lady?” “why do you do this to yourself?” AKA stepwork. And yes I harp on this all the time. And yes it works. And YES you can shut it anytime cause you know I’m right.

My inner thoughts are now challenged by my inner “why?”.  Lotsa inventory practice people. It becomes innate and ingrained.  So days like yesterday (clusterfuck days), can be figured out and emulsified in “because”.  More often than not it’s not rational thought. Not based in truth or reality. Knowing this gives me great comfort. Truly no matter what the shit throwing monkey called life tosses at me, I can be okay. No more malingering, hanging questions of “why” left in the breathing space.  Sweet relief from the sick that is my thought sometimes. I like pink. I like feeling a bit over the top happy.  It’s a good color for blondes.

And always remember, if ya do the work … the pink comes back.