Defective. NOT working. Broken. Defunct. Default. De-funk-me. Defect of character. Less than pretty behavior that lead to the sick of me … me. What gets in my way? Where does the roadblock, cockblock from the sunlight of the spirit lay? How do I trip over my purple painted toes when my best intentions have me looking another direction? Simply sayin’ I’m sick isn’t good enough you know. Learning what it is that keeps me sick is important, so then I can bloody well do something about it. What the hell is wrong with me? (that was a rhetorical question kids) I posted the following blurb on a facebook group I and another started:
my biggest stumbling block is … freezing. no matter what the situation; good, bad, right, wrong, or indifferent. staying still when action is required. once i’m moving i can hang … but like a deer in the headlights i’ll get hit by the semi every time. i could give a litany of the things wrong in my life (there’s lots of them including house foreclosures and court and lawyers and wife beating ex husbands and no child support and … and … and …) as well of the things that are right (children with me, job, enough money to just get by, good friends, sobriety, true love, hope et cetera)
this is life. mish mosh of happy/sad, joy/despair, tears/belly laughs … what i strive for is calm movement through it all. everyone has a shit throwing monkey in their life as well as a fan club. the point is, am i making decisions versus knee jerk reactions or sinking in quicksand? calm, peaceful, movements throughout the ups and downs is what matters. not so much the outcome but how i choose to ACT throughout it all.
This … is my greatest goal.
This got me to thinking. Hard. I did my much beloved step 10 and really looked at the base of all my behaviors and difficulties. It wasn’t so much life, it was how I was dealing with it that mattered. This might seem trivial and trite to you … but it was a pretty huge epiphany for this chick. I again found that mindful meditation allows me to gain clarity and perspective. Much needed. Gawd. *eye roll* So now I know what’s blocking me. What now?
So. Yes. I freeze. Get stuck in the quagmire of life. I write about it, step work of much necessity. I see the errant behaviors. Meditate again, imagine myself doing a calm, poetic dance over the coals. Do the work to get rid of it? I need help. This is where you come in. You kick me in the ass or pat me on the back; kiss me on the forehead or rub my nose in the proverbial poo of my sick, twisted fantasy. I have to be willing to see what character flaws need to be exorcised from this soul. For me, this lack of movement is the main culprit. What about you?
I would be more than happy to talk to you about the shit, if you wish. I hear ya on all accounts!
I like your writing style- all of these issues have been mine- I have found that many people have a lack of patience for the domestic violience issues, and that I have had to seek outside help with that-I know the child sexual abuse stuff is too intense for those that have not had that experience – therefore no need to reach for other surrvivors, people have a hard time with that too- me included. i dont really want to talk about that either-i have to be careful though- i have had sick sponsors that had personalites like a barstool say things like “get over it” in a fifth step-
trust has been something I have really had to work on- the native american ceremonies i have been in helped me to honor aman s spirit, and a womans spirit instead of sexualizing the whole relationship= my previous relationship skill-
but for the grace- anything that ever worked to take me away from me- no longer works, it has not been fun walking this road, but well worth it- the steps help me to walk in a good way-and my Creator, Ive asked for gentler lessons-the consequences of marrying someone in early recovery almost killed me- I saw the red flags and did it anyway- i allowed certain things i would not do now-