Amend:  Recompense for grievance or injury. To change for the better; improve.  To remove the faults or errors in; correct.

I did it again. Screwed up. Put my foot in my mouth in the classic epic style that I always seem to. Something smarmy and snide and then ran away like a petulant child. I don’t like people close.  Dig the “appearance” of close, so it looks like I’m open.  But when the poo hits the floor … I isolate. Major. I get heckled for this daily. So acting in kind, I spout and split.  Knowing this about myself makes it my responsibility to change it. Bleck.  So I slink back, against my will, and attempt to make amends. To clean up my side of the street. To delineate what my part in things were and how I was “wrong”.  This right here?  I hate/love it.

Step Nine … made direct amends to people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.  Making amends. Making things right. Settling the score. Ownin’ my part. Change for the better.  To remove the fault or error. Correct.  Basically how can I do my very best to take a brillo pad to my caustic actions?

Does it say anywhere up there about saying “I’m sorry?”.  If it’s there I didn’t see it. How many times have those words slipped through our lips when we were using?  Words of apology and empty promises. I’m sorry I didn’t come home last night … I’m sorry I got drunk and missed your graduation … I’m sorry I took you to the dope house … I’m sorry I’m a fuckup … I’m sorry.  Yes we were a “sorry” bunch.  Hopeless, helpless, and emotionally destitute.  It didn’t change anything, these words we used.  So why do we think it would change things now?

Step Nine is an action step. We found out what our part of things were in our fourth step. If we’ve been “searching and fearless” we’ve looked at what we’ve done in retaliation to purported wrongs others had done us.  We’ve shared it with another and found our character defects we’ve asked a higher power to remove.  (steps 5,6,7) Step eight is step four list plus stuff we may have missed.  It comes down to … for possibly the first time in our lives … putting aside what everyone else does.  No longer having a microscope on other peoples wrongs and rights, not focusing on the external. But to flip the script and put the magic magnifying glass on self.  What did I do and now, most importantly, how do I make it right?

It is time to get out the old broom and dustpan and get busy cleaning up people.  It means ACTION. To change and to do our very best to make restitution for the damage we have caused.  Sometimes the best amends we can make to a person is to leave them the hell alone. Other times it’s to become emotionally available. Even better is to just NOT DO THE SHIT AGAIN.  Action. Healthy behaviors. CHANGE.  Sorry just doesn’t cut it sometimes.  Most times. Hell the words don’t mean anything without action do they?

Amending our past equals freedom and healing. It can be, however, epic suckage.  Mostly from fear of what the amendee is going to do.  Their reaction is irrelevant. We’re doing this to have a fresh start … a clean slate … a new found freedom.  For those of you of the alcoholic variety, the promises read at meetings (you know the ones … we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness etc etc) look up where they are in the Big Book.  Okay for the sake of uninterrupted reading I’ll tell you. Page 83. Immediately following the directions for the Ninth step. Coincidence? I think not. Clearing the wreckage of the past is one of the most cleansing experiences one can have. Now one needs to do the steps in order folks, written that way for a reason you know. And always be mindful if “amending” doesn’t equal hurting someone else just to make yerself feel better.  Search hard and deep to find that delicate balance between spilling your shit without filter and honestly trying to make things better.  Those sponsor type folks or crusty old timers usually can help decipher such things.

All in all, step nine was one of my very favorites. And step 10 tells me to continue cleaning up these messes.  So in the spirit of circular thinking, I go back to my foot in mouth episode.  And I really look at my part.  *sigh* Slinking back to the person in question (super cute boy no less) I don’t wanna say it. But I do …

“I owe you an amends. I was wrong because I was pushing you away. I was rude and sarcastic and I will do my very best to not do it again. Being close to someone is scary for me and I was hurtful to you. I’ll work harder at staying present.”

Well. His reaction is less than favorable. Sometimes damage is done. But I made a decision to own my behavior no matter what the outcome. I feel better, clean and at peace.  The joy is in the work … not the outcome.  Now, I’m sure there are more cute boys who wouldn’t mind a sometimes flighty sarcastic girl … who always comes back.  hmmmmm …