Now I don’t know if you are anything like me. (Let’s hope not) But when it came to interpersonal relationships, it used to be that other peoples opinions counted a helluva lot more than mine did.  Didn’t even have to be someone close mind you; I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings … even if I felt uncomfortable. I was a “Giver” and damn proud baby. Cause’ I couldn’t be that bad if I gave everything I was, now could I?  Can’t you see how amaaaaaazing I am? After all I’ve done for you? *eye roll*

People pleasing (a treatment phrase but so effin’ what … I used to be a counselor so I earned the right to use it) is really just a passive aggressive behavior. When people do something just to win approval, which they never really get btw, they end up getting … wait for it – wait for it – YES ! Resentments. Example: Being a YES person. A “Giver”. Yes … I’ll do this for this girl, and that for that person, and again something else for that guy. Grumbling on the inside, “Don’t these people care about me and what I need to do?”  Ummmmm. No. People aren’t mind readers. And there is NO grand collaboration to take up all your time. Contrary to our belief systems, there is no meeting of the minds of all the people in your life to use you. No secret handshake. No password.

Not being able to say “NO”; makes the “YES” pretty insignificant.  Think about it. If saying no isn’t important, then you’re doing it because you think you HAVE to perform. Not an active, well thought out choice, but same ole’ same ole’.  No discernment or feeling special for anyone here, all are welcome all the time.  Call it “lifestyle slut-ism”.  Is it really the world’s best candy if everyone gets it for free?

What is it exactly that is so bad about the word “NO”? Fear of others opinions? Trust me baby, people are gonna dislike ya no matter what you do or don’t do. It’s a perception issue. You may remind them of a long lost cousin that stole their yoyo … who fuckin’ knows.  Bottom line being that if you’re true to who you really are, “nay” saying and all; you’ll know the people that like you for you. Not just the ones that want to use you up and spit you out. Cause’ they’re out there.  “The Takers”.

You know them. The ones that have noooo problem asking for things no matter how incredulous. “Can I borrow your shirt, your car, your boyfriend, and perhaps your wallet?” Now they’re not THAT obvious  about it (usually) but you can read between the lines if you’re familiar with the breed.  Beware when a “Taker” meets a “Giver”.  Fireworks and debit card pin number stealing sure to ensue.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say no. If yes means keeping someone from being accountable for their actions.  No you can’t borrow money … again.  No I’m not gonna talk about YOU all the time. No you can’t talk to me that way; it’s not good for you OR me. No I’m not gonna talk to you if I don’t want to, especially if I feel uncomfortable, or if you want something I just can’t give you.

Setting healthy boundaries is a recovery behavior.  There are folks in the program that don’t buy this line of thought. I’m okay with them not liking it or me. Specially the line, paraphrased of course, “Wherever, whenever, however someone needs you … you should be there as the hand of  (fill in the blank) Anonymous”.  Sure I think that can be true if it’s recovery related … but where do you draw the line?  Folks in recovery need to learn that using others or being used is one step closer to the relapse show. I’ve done the research … personally. It never ends well.

Sometimes … saying no to you means saying yes to me.  Done with kindness and compassion, NOT DOING can be healthy too.  Now as for exactly how to do this without coming across as a full out bitch? That’s a story for another day…