New behaviors. They tell us when we come into the “rooms” that we only have to change one thing … everything. I still groan at that one. Give me someone who’s gut level real and I could listen all day.  But rote rhetoric and perpetual “sloganism”? Gah. I’ll pass.  That’s my shit of course. For there’s been many a time that a “slogan” has saved some dope fiends ass from picking up again. (So hecklers bite me) My skepticism and judgment remain and I pretty much inventory them daily.  I’ve never been much for “fitting in with the crowd” however.  Ever been the black sheep amongst black sheep? Yeah. You feel me.

So umm. There’s one thing that’s said often that makes my shackles rise (even more than religious zealouts) and it’s the slogan “fake it til’ you make it”.  I get what the slogan means. I really do. But I still don’t care for it much. I prefer “acting as if” or “practicing new behaviors”.  Fake dictionary definitions include: to create a counterfeit of; falsify and to pretend.  Now I know you say it’s semantics and I totally “get” that fake rhymes with make. I’m a poet too ya know … rhymin’ and stealin’ and whatnot.  However … I’m a big details person.  And all I ever did was fake.  Fake my emotions, fake sobriety at one point, and yes the ever mysterious fake orgasm.  Laugh if you must but my girls out there got my back on this one.

In actuality,  for me, life was one big chameleon show.  My friend Scott and I were talking the other night (hiya Scottie *wave*) about being able to fit in anywhere at anytime with anyone. NOT by simply being genuine, but by “faking” and conniving to be a part of, be accepted; hide the bullshit that was inside.  So there were times that I wore a proverbial gas mask. To keep me in. To filter the essence of me to make it more palatable for you.  Or so I thought. Not being cogent or genuine or true.  Perhaps lying or embellishing to not feel inferior; okay scratch the perhaps part, mostly being “not who I really was”.  Because who I was, I thought, was an asshat.  And if ya knew me … well if I didn’t like me why the hell would you?

So my biggest efforts in recovery today center around transparency.  Really showing me and not being afraid to bare it all baby.  No matter what the outcome.  Truly the bottom line is, as a result of working steps and mucho self work, I dig me.  Not in your arrogant, cocky, kiss my ass, balls to the wall bitch style that I used to sport.  But the “I’m flawed and crazy but it’s okay cause I’m real today and I like that about me” … sorta dig.  Imperfections and all those other social “warts” that we have.  Seeing things for what they really are instead of “faking” it.  Being congruent with my feelings the best way I know how.

The fake show is not for me.  I really don’t do it well anyway.  Too many “tells”. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll tell you I can’t hide an emotion today to save my ever lovin’ life.  At times this is difficult cause’ I’m a cryer, specially when I’m pissed.  Then I get more pissed cause I’m crying and it all goes downhill from there.  Now some folks say that the “fake it” slogan has kept them clean and sober before … I get that.  But today for this girl?  If I’m faking anything, watch out kids.  I prefer reality to rose colored spectacles.  Speaking of spectacles you should see me at work … omg.