I should have  __________.  Fill in the blank please.  We’ve all done it. Toxicity “shoulding” out of us like a rampant gastrointestinal disease gone mad.  I shoulda coulda woulda done this or that or the other.  Daydreams of a life gone by. The past flavored with fantasies of what we “coulda” done differently.  Etch a sketch shake the screen and it all goes away.  Do-overs!

Like those moments where you relive a past incident and replay it in your mind. Except this time, you say all the witty, biting, sarcastic remarks that you couldn’t think of right then.  And then even get excited at the prospect of seeing them again because you’ll give em “what for” this time boy. Believe it.  So much so giving yourself an internal “atta boy” smack on the ass for thinking up a good reply such as “oh yeah? well you are too and shut up” (you know you’ve done it so shush).

Like life on slow motion rewind, “shoulda’s” just remind us of a sick life gone sour.  No acceptance in this mindset.  The line “do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it” need not apply here.  Rather “I shoulda done the past differently and please why can’t the door be closed?”.  This sorta shame based message is just another guise of the insidious RESENTMENT; which is the number one offender so a certain blue big book tells me.  To relive over and over and over again … not necessarily anger either.  But to have a harmful emotion; ie shame, pain, loss, regret, anger, fear, loathing (you get the idea), like an ipod stuck on replay – replay. Shorty has an effed up melody yo that I can’t let go – oh wait. That’s not how the song goes. Anyway … moving along.

The terminal shoulds will get you stuck in a gameshow that you can never win. No matter what’s happened in the past (and believe you me I have some doozies too kids, horrifying nightmarish incidents that kept me from sleeping for many years), we must learn to let things be. Heal and move on.  Work the steps which are specifically tailored to resolve and/or remove such angsty sorrow from our lives.  I mean how many years have we been agonized by things we wish we would have done differently?

Acceptance is a word I use sparingly. It gets thrown around often and really I’m not sure if people really get what it truly means. Merriam Webster defines as : 1 a : to receive willingly <acceptance of a gift> b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added).  So in the spirit of word-whorism … to receive willingly whatever life has given us.  Holy shit. (and yes I KNOW there are a slew of other definitions … they all surround the same premise. again. shush.)  Or b: take or hold on to what you’ve been given – good, bad, right, wrong, or indifferent.

Bottom line. Things happen. Awful things sometimes. Could we have done things differently? Sure. Should we have? Probably. Does it matter? Well yes. For with the ability to “receive willingly” aka accept life on life’s terms, we know one thing. (or hopefully will be learning).  Without every experience you’ve had, you wouldn’t be the amazing person you are today.  It’s sorta difficult to appreciate the most beautiful sunrise without knowing the darkest part of the night.  Most times the horrific things we’ve done or had done, make us compassionate members of the recovery community.  Full of light and love and acceptance.  Besides … pretty much the only way I’m gonna listen to you, is if you’ve been where I’m at.  And oh yes … it makes for a helluva lead.  Tearjerkers even.  Your pain and accepting your “shouldas” as simply “what it was like” allows you to give hope to the newcomer.  Seriously. If “THAT” sick chick can get it … maybe I can too. Trust me. I’ve given lotsa hope that way over the years. omg.