Sitting at my desk writing, as I’m wont to do you know, I happened upon a blog post on www.intherooms.com (fantastic site for recovery folk and this is also one of their blogs that they asked me to “take over” … so … everyone wave to the boys in the loft *wave* k. moving on…). Anyways, this young lady was talking of her need to “know it all … already”, or expect yourelf to know how to do something when you may have never been taught. This lit me up like a rocket of course, as I do this to a “t” – t for total fail.  Expect myself to do something perfectly the very first time, and if I can’t? Well then get embarrassed and distressed and all bent outta shape.

Expectations of myself equals? Oh, you people are goooood. Resentments. Yes. I shall give you no litany on this tonight.  Let’s just say that resentments will reduce drunks and dope fiends to sibbering fobs in milliseconds, and we’ll leave it at that.  WHY … do we do this to ourselves? Perhaps it was the way you were raised or how you coped with things or even “if everything is perfect … no one will notice my using”.  Something in that vein, I’d imagine.  For in reality perfectionism is really boiled down the nub control issues.  “I GOTTA KNOW HOW TO DO THIS … RIGHT NOW.”  Not very realistic, I would say.  A more important question is HOW exactly do I stop doin’ it? And yes apply stepwork here (obviously duh.) but think of how you can hone in on that one area of perception that leads you to believe you have to “know it all … already”.

What evidence do I have to support this?  How can one know something they’ve never been taught? (like how to have a healthy relationship??? BING.) Is it realistic to expect myself to have ALL the answers?  Would I expect someone else to have them?  How would I challenge a friends thinking who said these things to themselves? Cut, copy, paste, apply.  It’s all in the challenging of your thinking and thereby your actions.  Really the steps do all this, but sometimes we’re not aware of certain issues and leave them out of our inventories … you know the whole ‘denial’ thing … you don’t know that you don’t know? Yeah. That one.

Basically, for those of us who have extreme unrealistic expectations of ourselves; it’s all in the rational baby.  What is truth? And if YOU don’t know … ask someone else. Sponsor is always a good choice. Somethin’ like this,

Me: “Hey sponse? Do you think I should beat myself up for not being able to keep caught up with all the work that needs done at my house?”

Sponsor: “Um. Amy. Your house is always clean.”

Me: “Yeah but I haven’t wiped the walls lately or moved all the couches out in the last couple weeks.”

Sponsor: “You’re being stupid. Shush.”

Me: “Okay so that’s a no then?”

Sponsor: “You work full time, have three kids under the age of 6, and your house … is … clean.”

Me: “Okay. But ..”

Sponsor: “They should pay me for this.”

(disclaimer: my real sponsor is much nicer. this “sponsor” is my internal bullshit regulator lovingly developed over the past two decades via step work. love you Kat)

No one can “do it all – know it all – be it all” all the time. And to expect such things is asking for trouble of the worst kind.  The gut sinking, negative dripping, seething cauldron of “I am one big ball of LOSE”.  So getcha some insight and feedback from writing out a thorough 4th and 10th, talk to others who know your drama, and open your earbuds and let the truth sink in. It’s purportedly sposed to set you free. Besides nobody likes a know-it-all anyhow.  Kinda detracts from that whole “teachable” concept ya know? I mean really,  some of us look damn good in plaid skirts … I say bring on the learnin’ baby.