In the words of my friend Ronald P. “I either do or don’t do.” I polled my facebook page about taking risks, to a few (although profound) responses. Funny, when I publish sexy poetry I get lots more feedback. *one raised eyebrow* Question was about taking risks; going out of your comfort zone. And NO I don’t mean doing something sketchy like seeing if you can handle going to the bar just to go dancing. I mean stepping outside of what you would consider your “norm” and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

If you think about it we do this when we come to the program of choice … step away from sick and embrace this shiny scary world called sobriety/recovery.  New concepts such as honesty, realization, accountability, and trust can rock us to our very foundations. That one fateful moment in time that we have the “light bulb” light-up of … I’mma do this. And then we take that first fateful step through the archway to freedom.

Believe or not, time passes and the recovery show can feel “normal” (whatever THAT means right? haha.) Meetings and friendships and Anonymously speaking becomes rote, if you’re lucky enough to as they say “get it”. Work and perseverance transforms into peace and serenity, with the working of a few simple (not easy) steps.

And then we hit plateaus. (In the spirit of recovery-speak ie: experience, strength, and hope.) Okay I hit plateaus. Where it becomes painfully obvious that movement need be made.  I get comfortable in my routine and it takes something epic to push the proverbial envelope.  Currently it’s being more social, that is on the plate in front of me.  Sounds rather silly seeing as I have the enormity of recovery friendships in my life.

Most of my time in the program (15 years that came and went with the relapse of a midtimer), I was extraordinarily involved in the social aspect of AA. Sponsoring hundreds, speaking at meetings at least once a week circuit style, convention chairperson, GSR, home group secretary, permanent friday night fixture at Country Kitchen on a friday night with a couple dozen other drunks, dances … I could go on here. But I won’t.  Point is I got the whole “doing” thing on a grand scale.  Of course I was single and without three mini ninjas to be responsible for so I could rip and run as I pleased.

This time around (oh lawd I hate that phrase but it need be said), life has changed dramatically.  My life is no longer my own and the three little angel butts that call me Mommy, take precedence.  Meaning that my “get up and go” gets complicated; babysitters and whatnot.  Being divorced and working full time and recovery work and (OMG) writing (!!!) consumes much of my time.  Where’s the fun? Where  -  did  -  the  -  social  –   go?

Don’t get me wrong. My life is uber fun with the ninjas and I pretty much write any other time they’re sleeping or eating or not on my lap.  I’ve found a new voice and I adore it.  But this other small area (having a grown up social life … as in OUTSIDE the house) has taken a hit baby.  I’d really rather stay home and write; which has pretty much become who I am and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Then there’s the whole healing from divorce slant, time takes time yanno. It’s important to not just jump in the dating show again.  But that’s over now. (wow. and i thought it would never end)  Then I’m asked out. Over and over again to the point where hearing myself say NO … sounds base.  I start running out of excuses.  I go with a group to a kid friendly event. I am … surprised.

Not so much by me having a good time … but by what I glean from the experience.  It’s very difficult to gauge who you are sometimes when you don’t have anyone to bounce “you” off of.  How am I different … same … similar. What I like, don’t , wanna do different. How comfortable am I … what’s my reality … true and false?  It all boils down to living out loud.  My friend J (mwah) said it better than I ever could:

As far as I go I take the f’g shots. When the  outcomes do not line up    with what I expected then I know my predicting skills need work. So  I adjust. Then take another shot. Then another. Another and another. This is how I live. When I do not take a shot it is because I already know from other learning experiences (mistakes/screw ups) that the shot is useless.  ~ Jscott-ism # 9023 or someshit (there will be much forthcoming from the J that is great when his site hits called Daily Suicide – Because mistakes must be made. Can’t wait) Damn I’ve got cool friends. *wink*

To make this long blog smack a smidge longer – sometimes … MOST times … the answers will not be what you expected. There is no comparison/contrast in a monochrome styling. Sure one color can be gorgeous but it’s the refractory factory of the colors and the way the light bends and twists around the edges … that’ll lend you to a life well lived.  Taking risks? Being “out there” in raw vulnerable style? I say Yeah and Hallelujah. If nothing else … you’ll learn something new … about you.

Say … yes. Ahem. Run in the rainbow.  Besides I look damn good in just about every color … cept chartreuse … oh and maybe bright yellow  (it’s a blonde thing) …