F**k Everything And Run … Face Everything And Recover. Opposite ends of the spectrum of this word called FEAR. It seems that this is a concurrent theme in the helter skelter world of life … especially in addiction. Not just the obvious cowering shiver of a fright night movie show, fear takes many forms. Perhaps the most insidious form is self doubt. In my experience, and trust me I know this intimately, that tiny seed of shame stuck in the back of my head leads to more denegration than an entire slew of words from others.
In the recovery show, fear is delineated as one of our worst enemies. Specifically addressed in the fourth step, the promises, and all throughout recovery literature (in one way or another) it is the biggest tool our “disease” uses as subterfuge. Best way to derail recovery? Slide a little fear into the humble pie and then do NOTHING about it. It is human nature to be fearful from time to time … it’s an impulse – per Wikipedia:
- Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.
Where the “ish” comes in is simply this. WHAT EXACTLY IS THE STIMULUS FOR DANGER??? If it comes from an unreliable source (i.e. “sick thinking”) and is a problem of perception, then it is an IRRATIONAL fear. (thank you Wikipedia … again)
- Irrational behaviors of individuals include taking offense or becoming angry about a situation that has not yet occurred, expressing emotions exaggeratedly (such as crying hysterically), maintaining unrealistic expectations, engaging in irresponsible conduct such as problem intoxication, disorganization, or extravagance, and falling victim to confidence tricks.
Soooooooo what you say? I already know this. I already KNOW how to handle this. Stepwork, positive self talk, listing rational versus irrational fears, talking it out with a sponsor or trusted recovery friend, praying, meditating, physical activity, thought-changing techniques, mindfulness, working with another dope fiend/drunk … yes I know you know. (I think) But even the self proclaimed Queen of Inventory Taking ( yours truly – *curtsy*) gets stuck all up in “it” sometimes. Horrible feeling KNOWING that what your mind is telling you is just … plain … wrong. You’re not alone in this. Not by a long shot.
A problem thought shared with another person is a like debreeding a bedsore (eww). Akin to a festering of this nature (sorry for the analogy but it’s a DAMN good one), we must DIG it out. Because it can be very easy for us to “act as if” everything is fine … when it’s simply not. Hell our fear could even be linked to talking to other people. I’ll share with you what my first sponsor told me when I feebly suggested that I didn’t “like” talking to women. WHO THE HELL SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LIKING? GIRL YOU’RE GONNA DIE. LIKE IT OR NOT. And then she walked away chuckling mumbling “girl is crazy … has to like it. good lord.” I got the message. I talked. I shared. Didn’t like it one bit. It hurt. It was difficult. So. WHAT.
Apparently the purpose of this rant (of sorts) is to be reminded that no matter what, Face Everything And Recover. FEAR. Like it or don’t like it. Twenty days or twenty years … no one is exempt from the insidious fingers of fear. It’s part of the sick that must be sizzled by the sunlight of the spirit. (oooooh that was a good one) And you may just be surprised … the person you talk to may just have the same exact fear as you; then you can both laugh. Then move on to better topics … like boys, or shoes, or bizarre facebook postings like mine the other day … *ahem* moving along now.
Night cool kids. Thanks for being here <3