I spout a lot about emotional intelligence.  About NOT being reactive or over the top, about how important it is to not be ruled by emotion, and that being rational is best.  And it is … BUT … there’s also something to be said for feeling, exactly what it is you’re supposed to feel given the proper stimuli. The being able to “be real” in it all.  That every day just can’t possibly be a super sunshiny happy happy day and that it’s okay … to simply just be where you’re at.

There is a great beauty in emotion and the expressing of such things.  Tears can bond people for an eternity, a few words of compassion for suffering can change lives.  Rain has to fall – for flowers to bloom – so that we can pick them – and watch them wither – leaving us in anticipation of – the next batch of flowers – to come our way. It’s a cyclical thing. Think peaks and valleys, there is exquisite in both.

Now if you’re anything like this dope fiend/drunk, emotions were something that I didn’t share much.  I thought.  They came out regardless.  Mostly in anger which is a cover anyhow.  Scathing sarcasm is indicative of this as is passive aggressive behavior.  Not coming out and emoting in a healthy way but leaking with the sick of repression.

To be fair, I didn’t know how.  “You’re so sensitive. Why do you cry all the time? Buck up and deal kid.” were family mantras of so long ago.  I can’t even imagine telling my three blonde headed ninjas such things.  Crying is healing and important.  It lets off the pressure (whatever THAT might be) and allows for physical release of emotional stress.  Without a vehicle for expression, emotions turned inward can destroy.

Now. Seriously. I’m not an alcoholic because I couldn’t express my emotions.  I believe that is pretty normal among the human species.  Alcoholics and addicts DO NOT CORNER THE MARKET ON PAIN.  Sorry. I know we like to think we’re terminally unique.  But we’re simply not. Show me an example of a perfectly healthy family.  I dare you.  Where every single time every parent does everything right in every way every day … yeah.  Not happenin.  But some families teach more coping skills than others.  Mine? Not so much.  Of course not their fault because they’re subconsciously simply teaching what they were taught.  Now… enter substances.  Not only does my body do the happy dance because it just simply “FITS” but I’ve found my coping skill baby.  Don’t-give-a-shit-ism via cheap beer and skunk weed.  I was a teen shushit.  (To see more about physiological addiction see prior sassy blog post called Relapse Just the basics maam’ http://iloverecovery.com/2009/12/11/relapse-part-uno/.)

I stop feeling. Completely. Other than angry, saucy, and perhaps horny. (what? it’s true) And even those “feelings” are suspect.  Add on years of addictive unhealthy behavior on top of NOT feeling the consequences.  Forgettaboutit. Sunk.  We crawl into the rooms a hot mess in a dress. Figuratively speaking. I wore short shorts.  Either crying all the time or stoicism from hell, vacillated between the two for quite a bit of time.  Then here come these “suggestions” in the form of step work, sharing, opening up without being judged (thank your deity of choice) … and healing begins.

The secret to all this, which really isn’t so secret after all, is being real.  That it’s simply okay to be human.  We have a real issue with this.  Expectations to be somewhere we’re not, to be strong, to have all the answers; block us every time.  Is it strong really to lie? It takes so much damn courage to cry that it takes my breath away when I see someone letting all their defenses down.  Amazing and beautiful and poignant and oozing recovery.

There is much dignity and grace in simply being. No good or bad or wrong or right in feeling what you’re feeling.  I know what you’re thinking … just don’t get stuck in it right??? Right.  THAT is where emotional intelligence comes in; you feel what you need to feel and THEN you move on.  If you have a problem knowing when that “when” is?  I’m sure your sponsor will let you know.  Mine does. And if there is no one to tell you that? Message me and we’ll be all about it k?  Cause’ I know there is healing … in the feeling. I can hang.