“But he has so much POTENTIAL!” “If only you knew him like I knew him, you would like him too.” “He’s not THAT bad. He had a bad childhood.” “You’re just trying to keep us apart.” Okay okay … and okay. Wow. Those are direct quotes from prior relationships early on in recovery, when my picker was broke and beyond a cheap repair. And even later on in recovery when I knew my picker was broken but didn’t want to admit it … to myself.

Relationships. Oh lawd we could have a twenty part series about relationships and recovery. (and just might)  The idea that we are going to shine a light on falls into the – What Are We Attracting? category. Otherwise known as Water Seeks It’s Own Level or Damn You Did It Again? As my divorce attorney so lovingly pointed out … “You picked him.”  Yeah. I spose I did.

Firstly let’s look at the “who” we are attracting concept.  Regardless of recovery status there are sick folks. Duh. Yes. You know this. I know this. Everyone seems to know this.  But put that fella (or girl) in a nice package with just the RIGHT kind of sick?  And oh … my … god … flames spark an interesting romance choice.

Hindsight is always perfect vision-esque and in looking back on MY past (out of kindness we’ll call them) experiences, every single one of my relationships tapped into some drama that I had been used to in my past.  Confusing you say? (loosely translated from WTF does THAT mean Sass?)  Example.  Personal of course, otherwise it means a whole lot of nothing.

• We’ll use my marriage since it’s the most glaring example. There are others, if you’d like to know message me and I’ll tell you all about it. Bring tea and tissues.   I knew. I knew knew knew knew … that I was making a mistake.  And did it anyway. Ever done that one? Simply known that this was the wrong person for you, but stayed anyhow?  My family stuff, mostly Mom stuff got triggered (kachow) and it was on.  What’s my “mom” stuff you ask?
• Well (I’ll be brief) … Mom and Dad too really – never approved of anything. Ever. I mean not ever.  I had to make up for a handicapped (don’t use the word retard around me please) brother who was always ill.  I was never skinny enough, smart enough, body shame, the interests I had weren’t okay (theater, art, etc).  Case in point, I’m a writer now and even THAT isn’t enough for Mom. Still.  It’s “I think you should write a book about your daughters. I don’t like all that other stuff you write.”   Now as a grown person I totally GET why she is … why she is.  And it’s okay.
• The issue is, the way we’re raised impacts our relationships.  Whether you admit or even know it … or not.  I chose a man who (oh i don’t wanna freakin say this) was just like my mom. Eww. I know right.  The “not good enough” theme was a constant.  Because THAT’S what I was used to.  Some people don’t know these things about ourselves. But I did.  I knew it after two months of dating and he laughed at me while I cried.  I knew it after he started dissing my hair and makeup and clothing choices. I knew. Hell yes I did.  No victim. Not even a little. I chose this.  Albeit, it was what I knew. So in essence I knew that I knew that I knew. (holyshit)
• (have I mentioned lately how much I love these bullets?)
• (lots)
• (okay back to the blog-ish)

I had always managed to find relationships IN RECOVERY … that replayed that tape.  We are indeed a culmination of our experiences.  If you’ve never looked at your past in your stepwork, try it now.  It’s a kick really.  You’ll see the lightbulb flash.  Now funny thing.  Every relationship was even looked on as fail from controlling parental units. Even the good ones.

Once a controller has their claws in you (be it family or partner) they don’t let go easily. It’s all in the eye rolls people. Uncomfortable.  Flaw pointing has been spoon fed to me since birth.  Always a “what’s wrong with Amy discussion”. Truly could go on for pages bout this.  It’s in a twenty page word doc called “The Martyr who Loved Me.” But not gonna.  It’s not the point.

The POINT is … we are what we have been taught. That until we work a program of recovery to get rid of and understand all of our patterns of behavior, nothing will change.   We will still make bad choices and attract sick like a moth to a flame.   All my exes weren’t from Texas, just the ex husband (aka Prince Charming-less and that last line upon re-reading it … was disturbingly random. I shall keep it.)

Those around us that love and care for our well being, in our recovery family or family of origin (if they’re relatively healthy), can SEE things we can’t.  They see our patterns of behavior, know our past, and get the connection between the two.  Usually they don’t hesitate to question, especially if new in recovery. “Oh he has a week sober? He didn’t MEAN to punch the door? She accidentally fell in bed with another man?”  Raised eyebrows abound.

If you are attracted to someone sick based on their potential … the game is already lost kids.  We cannot make anyone change. Like it or not, you have issues that you desperately need to address.  Until you can get the “crap” outta the way … you’ll continue on with your dangerous dancing patterns.  And trust me they get exponentially worse.  So the next time you utter the words … “Ya but if you just really knew him…” REMEMBER … Maybe we do. Maybe we WERE him or have BEEN with a person of the same ilk or some variation thereof.  Recovery folks are sometimes our eyes where we are blind.

Just recognize the idea that maybe you can’t see.