Self Indulgent Rant…..reader discretion advised (there will be swearing).
I woke up this morning to 2 kids and 3 cats looking to me to provide food, shelter and general care. Actually saying I woke up is a lie, because you would first have to have gone to sleep to wake up, so really I just got out of bed again. Instantly, as I put my feet on the ground, I am struck with the realisation that I am not even able to take care of myself today, so dealing with five other life forms is going to be a monumental effort. It’s my daughters last day of school before summer break and she has her whole wardrobe emptied out onto the floor deciding what to wear, as it’s a no uniform day. “Thank God for uniforms” I think. There is no way I could cope with a seven year olds wardrobe crisis on a daily basis. We have some heated discussions about the items she picks and finally we agree on some flower patterned leggings and a pink top….crisis over. I descend the stairs almost tripping over the leg of my pyjamas which is too long. I am in a panic to get to the coffee machine because at this moment, extra strong coffee is all that will save my life. As I put the grounds into the coffee machine, not even bothering to measure it, I realise that my caffeine consumption these days is excessive and make a mental note to cut back….eventually. Well at least I am not opening the fridge and swigging out of a bottle of wine to stop the shakes, so I’m satisfied with that progress. The smell of the coffee wafting around the kitchen gives me an instant feeling of comfort….hurry up coffee….hurry up!
As I am standing against the sink, mug in hand, my three cats are sitting at my feet meowing for food. Shit do I even have anything to feed them? I discover a can of food in the utility room and they follow me out to the back garden where their feeding bowls are and they sit in the sunshine enjoying breakfast. I have about 5 minutes to talk to God before the kids come down stairs. I can hear them fighting but choose to ignore it…because quite frankly my brain is numb from lack of sleep…and I’ll end up saying and doing the wrong thing so this morning they will have to fight their own battles. I hear the postman put the letters through the door and instantly that knot comes in my stomach….another bill? Yeah probably!
“Hi God, I’m going to need your help again today. I’m fucking exhausted but you already know that because I’ve been shouting the serenity prayer in your ear all night, so I’m guessing you’re pretty exhausted too. I’m struggling again this morning, my house is a mess, I’ve lost one of my pink sandals in the chaos that is my bedroom, I have lots of writing to do, my sponsee is coming over in the afternoon, I completely hate my ex because he is a total asshole” (I imagine God nodding his head in agreement at that one), but I am still here to do your will God as always.
I haven’t had any child support from my ex in over a month because he decided to take a vacation with his girlfriend, which clearly is more important than providing for his children. His justification for doing that was “well you could be dead tomorrow so we need to make the most of it.” Yeah? You could be dead sooner than you think if you keep pissing me off motherfucker! Of course I didn’t say that to him out loud as I have learned in recovery to control my temper; instead I just gave him a wry smile and concentrated hard on not damaging him physically with a high kick to the face!
So breakfast is had, teeth are brushed and into the car we climb. Jess is looking as cute as a button and her mother looks like an escapee from a mental asylum still in her pyjamas. She chats away in the back of the car as we head to school. I notice all the beautifully groomed yummy mummies stepping out of their shinny SUV’s heading off to the gym after they deposit their kids at school, or maybe they will go meet their girlfriends for a coffee morning or whatever yummy mummies do. These women never cease to amaze me. They almost seem like they are from another planet. How the hell do they do it? Look like models this early in the morning, have beautifully clean vehicles; I bet all their beds are made and cushions plumped before they even leave the house in the morning. Jess kisses her hand and plants it on my cheek…”don’t forget I’m finished early today moma.” And off she skips to greet her friends. As I hurriedly fire up my little green Opel Corsa and head for home where more coffee is waiting for me, I notice my Dixie Chicks CD that I’ve been searching for on the floor of the car with gum stuck to it and something else that I cannot quite identify. And then the tears come. “Nobody gives a fuck about my stuff or about me!” I bawl as I try to drive through the school gates trying not to kill any children in the process. “I work my fuckin ass off God, and for what? Now one of my few pleasures in life has fucking gum stuck to it and is ruined.” And I continue to bawl all the way home, tears streaming down my face, resentment and anger oozing out of my pores and not even my favourite music to comfort me. “I bet the Dixie Chicks don’t have this shit to deal with!”
I pull into the driveway of my house and slam the door of my car like reallllllllllllllly hard. My neighbour looks at me and says a very low good morning. I reply with a disgruntled “hi” and slam the front door of my house realllllllllllly hard. I crank up the coffee machine once more. I really want to kick something. Thankfully I am too tired to summon up the energy to do that and instead cry even harder. “You know what God, FUCK THIS! I am not giving up. I am sick and tired of being the underdog. I am sick and tired of being everyone’s punching bag. I will make a better life for myself and my children, I refuse to go back to a life of victimization and humiliation and active addiction, I will never depend on anyone ever again to care for us, I will do it myself with your help. SO FUCK EVERYONE!
I push the pile of laundry on the kitchen table to one side, open up my laptop and begin writing. I feel better now.