I Love Recovery, Inside My Mind


5 Comments 15 November 2013


I wish I knew

By Nicola O’Hanlon.


Like a soothsayer predicting bad omens in the air.

I feel it coming

and yet I try to ignore what is unignorable .

Outside it seems all is perfectly wonderful

but the eyes tell the truth,

it’s their deadness

to afraid to move in their sockets

for fear it will find me faster.

It slams me like a tsunami

taking my breath

my will to live.

I am now a piece of driftwood

being thrashed about uncontrollably

in the chaos of my mind.

And I fall deeper and deeper into a familiar abyss.

I cannot bear to  hear

I cannot bear to see

I cannot bear to be alive.

The only way to survive is to withdraw

It hurts too much to speak.


What happened?

Why are you like this?

Did something happen?

Maybe you need fresh air?

Yes fresh air will do you good.


perhaps you need rest

or food


a kiss.

You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself!

And then they are gone

having done their best to help

to understand

they leave frustrated


Discussing me on the drive home

and airing opinions about what they do not understand,

about what I cannot explain.

I wish I could.

I wish I knew.


I am alone again

except for the black dog.

He’s sitting comfortably

watching me

warm and fed

licking his lips

snarling viciously.

I have not the will nor the strength to tell him to leave.

He will bore of me eventually

when l become strong again

and I will send him  back out to the wilderness

until he is hungry again.




- who has written 69 posts on I Love Recovery.

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Your Comments

5 Comments so far

  1. Patria says:

    Beautiful and sad. I’ve been depressed, and you nailed it.

  2. J says:

    Nice work! :) especially this sentence “i have not the will nor strength …..”
    Thanks for sharing this. :)

  3. Naomi says:

    Oh sweet Nick…I feel your sadness and pain. I am here if you need me. Luv U My Dear friend.:)

  4. Walter Kayden says:

    It is okay to feel bad, sad or bummed out. But contact mental health, find a twelve step meeting, they can help or send you to someone who can. Life is always worth living even though we may feel unforgiving. In the twelve steps we have a Higher Power, he will never leave us. God Bless

  5. adriennevalhalla says:

    Great post! I love it — I have felt this way many times before.

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