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Ok! so now what?

7 Comments 27 June 2014

Ok! so now what?

Picture courtesy of Kitchener/rogerstv.com


I haven’t written much in the past three weeks. There has been so much going on I was totally preoccupied and overwhelmed. I was trying to focus-or trying not too-I’m not sure which, on the issues at hand. I just wasn’t able to write. In fact I avoided it like the hot flames of a fire. Writing for me makes life crystal clear. I see the truth. It comes out and I can’t control it. Denial sometimes, is a very comfortable place to exist for me. All warm a cosy like inhabiting the centre of a cotton wool ball. It shields from the noise and the pain. Writing plucks me from that comfort and gives me a good shake. So if this entry appears scattered and incoherent I apologize. That’s the way it is for me today.

I don’t want to revisit the event in detail. I’m tired of talking about it. It’s life. It’s stuff that millions of people go through every day. It’s stuff that I partly created and should have dealt with a long time ago. I hate that it’s taken me forever to face it all. No matter how much my therapist and sponsors tell me “Nicky, you weren’t strong enough then, you are now”, still a part of me feels like a pathetic failure. And now it’s done and I have a big hefty legal bill that I have to figure out how to pay, but it was worth it. I’ve done the biggest right thing of my life and I’ve fought to achieve this goal consistently for eight years.  Sometimes I’ve fallen, and realized I would get nowhere if I continued drinking and using, so I stopped.

So now what? I don’t have a plan. I used to always have a plan or a goal or a dream. Coming into recovery I had all these things I needed to fix and this last issue regarding the welfare of my children and my own for that matter, has been dealt with. Properly. Legally. Signed sealed and delivered. The fragments of the wreckage of my past have finally been collected, organized, dealt with and repaired or discarded.

So this morning I sat in front of my therapist in a new space. All the fear is now behind me. I feel like there is this huge warm, crystal clear pool in front of me. I want to dive in, but there is apprehension. What if the future is not better? What if I am incapable of ever living in a sane manner and I recreate the past all over again? What if what’s in that pool is lulling me into a false sense of security and that really life is just shit after all.

But there is also excitement. Wow, look at all that I’ve been through. Look at all I have survived. Look at all I have conquered and salvaged. I now know that I’m stronger than most people. I’m very capable of standing up for myself. There is nothing blocking me anymore. I deserve the warmth, and security and joy that pool will provide. So really I just need to dive in and see what happens next right? It’s time to enjoy the fruits of my exhausting struggle. I am free for the first time in my life!

So I asked my therapist if it’s weird that I don’t actually know what to do with freedom. How do I actually begin to enjoy just being? There has always been so much struggle. Always something to “deal” with, strive for. Now I seem to have come out the other side of the constant thunder storm that has been my life for 39 years. I’ve never been in this place before. It feels strange. I’m used to worry, drama, trauma. Calm, peace and silence are alien to me. What should I do? Should I go back to school? Get a new job? Conquer the world?

“How about doing nothing?” was her answer. “How about learning to just be Nicky. How about learning who Nicky is. Why is it necessary to keep wanting, getting, having?” I guess it’s not necessary. I guess when all you have ever done is struggle you don’t know anything else. You gain momentum and you push and you push to survive. Today however, I realized that I had let it all go. I’ve forgiven myself and everyone else too. Could this be the peace and contentment we hear about in recovery rooms?

I don’t know about anyone else, but it takes more than 12 step groups for me to become a functional, rational human being with a healthy mind. Don’t get me wrong. 12 step groups and programs have saved my life. They opened the door to the recovery process for me. They have reignited the spiritual being that I am. Through them I learned that seeking outside help is the way to go to achieve the ultimate recovery for me and I’m so grateful for the people who were wise enough to know that. Because of that wisdom shared by the forefathers of AA, I have sought help from doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and solicitors (or lawyers in America) and today, I’m the sanest, healthiest, and freest version of myself I’ve ever been. My Higher Power has a plan for the new Nicky, and yeah I’m diving into that pool and I’m going to savor every moment of this new adventure. Bring it on!



- who has written 69 posts on I Love Recovery.

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7 Comments so far

  1. jennifer says:

    thank you for your blog.. i very happy for your new found freedom and the peace you now feel..congratulations on your victories nicky..i agree that it takes more than 12 step..along with the help of therapy and others loving hands..helps me see more than just mhyself and that we are never alone and will never be left behind..again you’re blessed beyond belief,, your pool awaits

  2. Lynn says:

    “Always something to deal with and strive for” I can totally relate to the merry go round you have been on- I recently felt peace for the first time in my sobriety and I really did not know what I was feeling- part of me was reaching and searching to find something to worry about, fix, strive for, etc. instead of enjoying it!

    I am trying to live in this life that I have now- just live this life, which is something I have never done. I have always had goals, classes, new jobs, new interests, etc. to keep me running constantly. Partly due to avoiding things maybe, but partly trying to cram lots of life into the years we have on earth. I find it difficult to have a balance between being complacent and being peaceful….

  3. Tom K. says:

    Revelations that come to us when least expected .. well may end up in kind of like a tail spin. Tonight I went through something unexpected. I later ended up pacing back and forth and felt compelled to call back a trusted old friend I talked with the other day. I then thought, oh the hell with it Tom, forget it and go play a video game or watch the tube!

    So instead I came to ITR and went here and there and posted some thoughts. I like what your therapist said about just being YOU. It was put to me in the manner of, “Tom, do you want to be ok?” Of course I simply said YES! Some people may think the word “Surrender” is a weak response or just giving up on a struggle within our self. It’s not so when surrendering to be ourselves.

    Personally I feel that when, “Okay, so now what,” creeps up, I deal with it when it happens. If a matter is important to you or others, regardless whether others deem it’s importance, when ready it will manifest naturally! To be true within ourselves is a very special revelation! That’s freedom!

    Well it’s 4 AM and I’m free to get the hell off this PC and have me a snack before fading out to the ritual idiot box re-run of the Addams Family. (Gong!) You rang!? Yes Lurch, bring me my diabetic shake pronto old man! mumble mumble . . . alarm set for 1:00PM, Thank you Thing! zzzzzzzzxxxxxooooo

  4. Irisheyes1 says:

    Thank you, Nicky. Well written, and a lot of insight going on here. Learning to be just Nicky…I like that! Hugs x

  5. Daniel says:

    Great stuff Nicky. I can so relate and really appreciate hearing someone else going through the same contortions I find in my head so often. Funny, I can write about it – and it does give me insight – but I often find it difficult to actualize those insights in my life. That’s my deepest yearning now – to dive into the pool and see what might be in store for me without fear or conditions. Thank you so much for sharing yourself. Daniel

  6. Juan says:

    Thank you Nicky and all others that commented above. I can related to each of you in one way or another. After going through the fears of the what ifs, and if only, with the help of my close friends, family members, and outside help, i am swimming in that big pool.

    It feels great to be able to explore new areas in my life, believing in myself, and the support network that I have been able to built in recovery.
    Learning to trust, and believe in a Higher Power has been one of the most helpful and powerful tools that I have gain here. It helps me tremendously.

    Dive inn, and keep on swimming everyone.
    With much love, Juan.

  7. Kimberlee says:

    Lovely writing. I am so happy to read about your new found freedom! Being able to put all of that behind is a wonderful thing!

    You DO deserve the best life has to offer always remember that!

    You are a wonderful, caring, strong woman!

    I am so glad that you are my friend. :)

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