We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?

If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.

But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.

As it tells us in our literature (you know the Big blue Book… at least for this drunk it’s my textbook), namely the Doctor’s opinion, we “cannot differentiate the true from the false”.

huh?

okay I’ll let Dr. Silkworth explain this since he did such a fabulous job doing so.  Linkage:  . http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_doctoropinion.cfm

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

Oh. So what he’s saying is that there comes a point where we lose the ability to see and realize the truth about our drinking and ourselves. Denial isn’t a river and self deception rules the roost. We, as addicted people would rather ANYTHING else be wrong than admit that our drinking is to blame. This comes at a high price. Family, friends, children, jobs et cetera et cetera shoulder that burden. “If you had a life like I did… you’d drink too”  ”If only people would leave me alone, everything would be fine.”

The basic fact is this. A person that DOES NOT have an issue with drinking wouldn’t care one bit if someone said “Hey. Drinking is causing all these problems for you. Quit it.” It’d be a no brainer. They wouldn’t CARE if they could or couldn’t ingest alcohol any longer.

Does there ever come a point where we can trust our own thinking again? Is there ever a moment when we CAN differentiate the true from the false when it comes to our magical mystifying thought processes?

That’s a tricky one. But fortunately there’s an answer…

Ah. So the answer is a resounding yes. Funny where those particular promises come into play. AFTER we work step 9.  After amends are made and our side of the street is clear and unfettered to the best of our ability. The scary-ish thing about that is maintaining that state. But we have 10, 11, and 12 for that. AND… reliable sources such as sponsors and trusted recovery people to help us SEE when and if the sick comes back.

I’m usually pretty wary of promising things. But I have to tell ya; I’ve seen it, done it, BEEN it (it being absolved from sick thinking and returning back to denial) and this stuff works yo. You have much evidence to support such promises. It works… if you work it. Pinky swear promise.

It’s somewhat difficult to have a “Merry Christmas” … when you’re pissed off at the world.  Sometimes holidays are hard.  Ok ok ok … they can be difficult ALL the time.  Not enough money, not seeing your kids, not seeing anyone.  Throw staying sober/clean on top of it and WHAM BAM … could be a recipe for disaster.   It’s uber important to find some peace right now.  In the midst of the hustle bustle, drama in a red coat and beard, “sorry kids there’s no presents for christmas” snowballs until you’re puking from the yuletide cheer.

Exactly what is important right now? PERSPECTIVE is important.  REMEMBERING who you are … is important.  Ask yourself these things: who am I? what’s most important right now? what are my choices today?  Lemme give you my answers to these questions : 1. I’m a woman of grace, in recovery, doing the best I can with what I have. 2. Most important is my self concept and recovery. Without this I’m unable to “be” anything else. 3. Today I’m choosing life, peace, contentment, being a loving parent, and the best me I’m able to.

Who cares if there’s no money? MAKE a freakin present. Spend TIME with your babies, if you’re able.  If not write them a story, color them a picture, send it to them whether they can receive it or not.  You’re a parent ALL the time, regardless if you’re present or not.  Positive energy will find them and they will know, deep down, that you’re there.  (There will be no presents from Mommy under the Sassy christmas tree.  I’m okay with this. I’m grateful that there will be presents for them to open, even if they’re not from me.)  More importantly, be there for you.  Take the time to do the things YOU like.  Be it watching movies all day in your jammies, making christmas cookies and eating every last one, putting on that short skirt and goin to a Christmas party with some recovering folk.

Alone for the holidays?? You don’t have to be.  Hitting a meeting, holiday parties recovery style, talking to others in the same situation is healing and self preserving.  Extended recovery family many times can be closer than biological.  Let people care about you! If you don’t you’re depriving people and being selfish.  YES, I said selfish.  It’s good to give, this is true; but having the ability to RECEIVE love is a gift as well.  Know how good it makes you feel to give??? You gonna deprive someone of feelin that way by not lettin’ them love you?  Think of others. Reciprocity is the key.

If this isn’t the best holiday season … there is a silver lining.  Pain can bring growth and impetus for change.  You can deal with some serious issues right now and get the gift of self awareness from Santa this year.  Gifts of light and peace will surely follow.  Not everything is what it seems you know.  Crying is a gift. Healing a bigger one.  Let yourself light the channukah candles of truth for eight crazy nights.  Treat yourself as gently as the babe in the manger, if that’s your flavor.

You are precious. You are a Christmas present, wrapped in red and green and gold bows, sprinkled with joy and hope and love.  Give yourself a gift this year … the gift of YOU.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you don’t have to use to be okay. IT will be okay.  And when you really get down to it, it’s just another day. Except for the fat man and people singing songs bout an Aramaic baby.  It will pass and you’ll be the better for it.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

Really? Thanksgiving. Yes. Stuff yourself til you sleep day. Remember how the Indians saved our asses then we took their land day. Don’t get me wrong … my gorgeous daughters dressing in pilgrim garb and saying a thankful prayer is omg-adorable.  I dig the cooking, the family-ish-ness, and all that. I do.

My three perfectly exquisite and mischievous ninjas. My reasons for living, breathing, and my absolute joy. If I had naught else in this world, my cup of gratitude overfloweth with just their smiles.

But … I like to look a bit deeper. Dig a bit farther. See the beauty in the not-so-pretty. The worthiness of the struggle. The strength in the pain.

We have that you know. Us people-types.  Those of us struggling for awareness especially.  So I’d like to share with you MY gratitude-what-i’m-thankful-for-every-single-moment-of-every-day-not-just-eat-turkey-and-watch-football-day.

• that I’ve suffered so that I know compassion
• ability to be in pain and embrace pure and utter emotion
• broken to a million pieces for it has strengthened me
• to know the opposite of love – so that I cherish kindness
• to have been hurt in childhood to know what NOT to do with the three most important parts of my life
• to have been bereft of self worth so that I work with diligence on self improvement
• to have scars to remind me from whence I came
• sore feet and an aching back and to smile when the lights come on at home because … I worked for this. Hard.
• loneliness to help me cherish loved ones
• dark to identify light
• to remember the “sick” to see health

For truly… how are we to be awake, without eye openers? And that leads me to acknowledge the amazing people in my life. Who hold out their hands and care for me with an unconditional love that takes my breath away – every single day.  I like to think I do the same. Reciprocity you know.  It’s magic.

Oh and don’t get me started on the folks who have so little. Why does it take a holiday for us to give? To bring it to the forefront of our minds? To push us to be emotionally present and sentimental and in the “thanks” giving mood?  Daily. Monthly. Even bi-annually is more than just around the holidays.  Mindful of our interdependency. THAT is where I want to be.  Aware and awake and full of thanks for every little kindness. I’d say that’d be a lovely present to share today… and all days. Every moment, every breath … the “present” … and you are the gift.

Happy Thanks-Giving. Take a moment to find out what you’re REALLY grateful for. And yes that includes adjustable waistband pants. It is stuff yourself day yanno.

Without recovery… no amount of thanks-for-anything, would be possible. So when it comes down to it? Being a SOBER sassy girl… allows me to know the difference between selfishness and humility, numb and grateful. Thanks for that. Thanks for YOU. I’ve been writing this blog for three years now, which in internets time is like CENTURIES. When I sit down to my lappity lap top I feel like I’m about to talk to old friends, which of course… I am. This blog has saved my life (and my ass) so many times I can’t even begin to count. You see, as any good writer will tell you, writers write what they need to remember/learn/DO. And the fact that I’ve met so many amazing people as a result? Well that’s just the gravy.

Thank you. I love you… and, as always, I Love Recovery. Happy Thanksgiving my friends.

Your level of transparency is directly correlated with how much you like and accept yourself. Being able to be open and honest and share who you really are is refreshing beyond belief. Gone are the days of shuckin’ and jivin’ to try not to trip over the lie that you told by omission to cover your current condition. (or something like that)

There is beauty in raw truth. Much joy in the sharing of who you are without embarassment or apologies. Bubbling up from your gut… sharing all that you are without fear no matter what anyone says.

That’s much easier said than done in this world. We’re taught to be defended, to keep “safe”. What is safe really? It’s an illusion. A lie borne of a shame based society where everyone has to “be the best”. Think of all the politicians with skeletons in their closet or the gasps when something “dirty” or “scandalous” is found out about your favorite Kardashian. (bleck) Perfection is an illusion to try to appear better than everyone else. Directly correlated with EGO (in recovery-speak we say Easing God Out) it’s all about putting your best foot forward to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS you’re OKAY.

No wonder it’s so difficult for us when we first get clean. We’re taught to discard almost EVERYTHING we’ve ever known to be true. Get up and say WHAT to WHOM? Share THAT? Are you kidding me? I have to tell another person all the horrible things I’ve done/ been done to me? WHAT? I don’t know what that has to do with not drinking.

Everything. Unless and until we discover all the sick behaviors/thoughts/beliefs we have… we won’t get better. The 12 steps do this for me. Sharing with other alcoholics does this for me. And let me tell you… it’s FREEDOM.  I learned that I’m not alone. That I’m not as horrible of a person as I’ve been taught. That sharing who I really am helps me to connect with other people who are just like myself.

There was a time when I would have just died of shame to have people know my “stuff”; past discretions and painful experiences. Growing up in my house was an exercise in “keep your mouth shuttism” or “keeping up with the Romans” (as in Catholic). My family was the type that kept a choke hold on the skeleton’s in the closet and the worst thing you could EVER do was tell the family secrets. As if people didn’t know. Yeah right.

It just wasn’t talked about. Wasn’t “proper”.

Recovery has taught me a different tune. My very existence (and no I’m not exaggerating) depends on my ability to be honest and forthcoming in every area. Too many times it would have been easier to just act “as if” everything was fine… when it wasn’t. Too many times the “hiding” of my sick thinking caused so many problems.

I remember my parents coming to hear my lead back in the mid 90′s. I didn’t change it to suit them. Simply telling my story was what it always had been … and so continued to be even with them there.

My mother didn’t speak to me for three weeks…

Shame is a fear based emotion. Fear of other people’s opinions that directly impact my opinion… about me. Approval seeking never works because there will ALWAYS be someone who doesn’t… approve.  Trust me on this one. And really if everyone likes everything I say? I’m not doing it right. Do I want unhealthy people to co-sign my BS? No. Do I want to pander to others for fear of their opinion? Hell no. Do I want to live a life free of secrets and shame? ABSOLUTELY.

What other people think and do are none of my business. Seriously. All I can change is me (with the help of the 12 steps and a power greater than me ). Anything else is out of my control. And I’ve found that being unapologetically myself, with scars and flaws and defects of character and fear and and and… yeah, ME, is completely okay today. Not having to do everything right and sharing who I am is a freedom I’d not known before recovery.

You people DO realize that other people are (usually) not this forthcoming right? What a gift we have that we can share all of this… stuff.

12&12 p.59, Step Five

I mean really, how can we ever get better until we spill it. There is no room for grandiosity or inflated ego in a life well lived. No better or no worse than anyone else, but working day by day to be like a transparent glass that is always full… of recovery.