We all get into jumbled messes… in our heads especially. Step 10 (yes I know I talk about this one ALL the time… shushit) tells me that I am to examine MY behavior. Yes – everyday. Yes – I can’t look at you anymore and blame you for my ‘stuff’. That’s all well and good to examine it… but does it CHANGE? Do you see the patterns of your behavior? Are you able to not stumble over that ego over and over and over again?

These are hard lessons to learn you know. Steps 6 and 7 talk about removing defects of character… step 10 KEEPS them cleaned up. If I continuously take inventories then I’m staying in awareness.

It sucks though. Last night I rage-typed (newest cool thing to say online apparently, put the word rage in front of everything and it sounds SO much cooler) a little ditty that will never get posted. Okay maybe I’ll post a snippet. My head was NOT in a good place. It happens.

I don’t want to be in recovery right now. I don’t want to remember what’s good about the world or my part in things or how to not have fucking resentments.  Don’t wanna take the high road. Just for once I want to bitch about other people and give in to a good bout of gossip or make everything someone else’s fault so for ONCE I don’t have to hunker down and look at shit.  Or have people tell me frivolous shit like “it gets better”… sometimes it doesn’t get better. Sometimes things suck and they’re supposed to fucking suck. It’s called life. The best we can do is just get through it. And apparently have fits. And rant and rage and then realize how stupid they sound and then shut up and go do a damn 10th step.

 

You may disagree with me… but in my experience this happens every once in a while. Recovery is some tough stuff man. The high road, the work, the always looking at your own defects. It’d be much easier to live like (some of) the rest of the world you know; to not take responsibility.

But is it really easier? To live in fear and shame and blame and and and… bleck. No. It isn’t. Living a spiritual life is the most rewarding thing there is… being able to rest easy at night with a clear conscience? Yeah. Win. So even though it’s normal to get pissed off at the world and have a big fat brat fit… Recovery makes it possible for those fits to be temporary moments of pain, instead of the ‘norm’.

So don’t beat yourself up for getting discouraged. We ALL do. Every single one of us. There are just those of us who have learned a different way. A way that works for us… a guide to addressing the situations that happen with dignity and grace and self exploration. So… there IS a solution to stinkin’ thinkin’ (oh the cliche’)… so that it can STOP and you can work through it all. And when the next big fat brat fit happens? You’ll know to let yourself have a good cry, look at your part in the whole sordid mess, forget about what the other people did, and call someone and tell them all about it.

Yeah. It’s JUST like that. Hmmm maybe I should’ve called this one “Get your head out of your ass-ism”. Ev. Anyway… love you people and thanks for keeping me sober and as always… I Love Recovery.

postscript: IT doesn’t get better… WE DO.

Are you cynical? Do you scoff at pollyana pigtails with her happy go lucky sappy overly positive crap that she pushes at everyone? Stay happy! Smile it gets better! YOU ARE A MIRACLE! I’m sooooooooo happy! I LOVE RECOVERY!!! (hey wait a minute I say that. shushit.)

Well. ahem. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to be that… to be sober.

Hey you know those pink clouds are great and I love when they float around and pick me up and everything seems wooooooonderful and I’m having a perfect hair day and no one is relapsing and my sponsor gave me an atta girl…

yeah. Then I wake up and say to myself “holy crap… that was scary.”

See as a recovering person I’ve learned that neither extreme is very healthful for me. Way way WAY up or pessimistic stick in the mud-ism. The longer I’m sober the more balance I receive and clarity and insight. Ever hear “The longer I’m around the sicker I realize I am?” It’s like that. There is only a certain amount of truth we can swallow about ourselves at one time.

More will be revealed. You bet your sweet bippy it will/is. Hence the need for constant stepwork and why the steps were delineated the way they were. They are a fluid plan for living that changes with you each passing day… steps 10, 11, and 12 baby. Oh yes. Continuous work through it all… good, bad, indifferent… whatever the day may bring.

THAT… is our constant. Our no-matter-what-ism. The work of recovery is to not so much REACT to what happens around us, but to ACT with purpose and clarity. Clarity gained through behaviors learned from the 12 steps.

Constant. Yeah. And perky folks have their place. Just not all up in my face. Know-what-I-mean? So do the smarmy or sarcastic, bitter or sad, or whatever it is that you’re feeling at the time. Recovery allows you to be EXACTLY where you’re at… until you’re not. Patience and tolerance is our code right? Right. Maybe my home group should switch to decaf for those folks. For the love of all that’s decent… I don’t need to be all up in your grill to love ya. Snarky is okay too. True story.

As you well know, looking for a job is a full time job and I’ve been submitting all over the interwebs for paid writing gigs. (I have multiple sites I write for including two of my very own domains, but most are for the by-lines and exposure and aren’t feeding the mini ninjas) I’m moving to Jersey this summer and will be working from home, so what a good opportunity to get this party started.

Enough backstory for shitsakes. Are you trying to bore these people to death?

So, feeling a bit discouraged I found some inspiration in a picture that I posted here. Some of you cats dug it and shared it and one particular young lady commented on my friend Becky’s repost. It said the following…

This is my motto for life. I was told not to run (problems with my legs, wear a brace,etc). My response? Bull pucky! I’ve now started training for a 5k. I can’t run yet, but I’m determined. . I don’t even care if I don’t make it to a 5k…I just don’t like being told I can’t. lol

A girl on Google+ named Tanya. Yeah. She wrote that. Puts me in mind of the old Indian Proverb “I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.”
Funny how a few words can change your whole perspective.

I remember a day when I was grateful for a $9 an hour job because Prince Charmingless wasn’t making child support payments (still doesn’t btw). I remember when my house was in foreclosure post divorce due to Charmingless not making house payments and changing all the account information. I remember when I was in the hospital after being drop kicked in the gut with internal bleeding. I remember having multiple surgeries to correct the damage done that night (including the surgery two weeks ago). I remember not being able to look in the mirror. I remember looking up at the world from the floor. I remember taking that job that was beneath me and swearing that I would give it everything I had because that’s who I was. I remember getting multiple promotions in a very short time and a flight down to corporate for an interview. I remember what it was like to first start writing and feeling like no one in the world would EVER read me and what it felt like to be listed in the top ten Recovery blogs last year. Remember how I struggled to build my own sites, complete with self taught HTML code, and how frustrating it was and how I thought the idea of having my very own domain was the coolest thing EVER.

I remember getting sober again after a six month relapse. I remember the shame and guilt I felt after having been sober for 15 years and pissing it all away. I remember the kindness that you people showed me and how you held me close and told me it was all going to be alright. I remember learning to live and love again.

Thank you Tanya. Thank you thank you a million times thank you. For perspective, for your sharing, for helping me to remember where I came from and who I am.

Amazing how a few words over a computer screen can change everything yes? Yes. I love you people and I Love Recovery.

Who exactly ARE these “winners” that everyone keeps talking about sticking with??? I mean really… how do you know who to talk to or whom you should run the hell away from? People can appear to be anything they choose …  at first. Appearances are deceiving and talk is a cheap 10 dollar hooker who looks great from a distance.  I’ve made the mistake several times (those who know me are nodding EMPHATICALLY right now) of being very trusting … but only to a point.  Always, always, and again I say foghorn leghorn style ALWAYS … something, on the gut level, told me to be careful. People in the 12 step world will OFTEN spout stick with the winners. Even the “losers” (opposite of winners … I would prefer “sickers” but hey … parameters) will say these golden words with a sickly silver tongue.  My take on what attributes to avoid and what ones to look for in connections with people … not only recovery but everywhere.

We will start with the obvious and move to the more abstract here people.  Ass grabbing, asshattery, know-it-all, negativity seeping through the skin tight jeans. Judgmental, holy roller, sad sack, nothing is right with the world and all it’s denizens. Shifty, sketchy, “let’s have coffee at my place cutie”, used car salesman (offense intended) greasy, gossipy bitter betty’s laughing at the new girl with thick black eyeliner (yeah that was me bitch … and I ain’t new NO mo’).  Angry, zealot, yelling, in your face spittle, with a shame chaser for not doing what “they say”.The idea of being genuine. Too much happy, too much angst, too much of TOO much. Well, it’s just too much.  No one can be one way all the time – warning wil robinson danger approaches!

NOW … having said all that garbage. I’m really okay with people being that way. It’s where they’re at and most times they don’t perceive their actions with clarity … I mean we’re always the last to know … yanno?  I, like many others, have the eyes to see with compassion and let people “be” where they are.  It wasn’t always so … when I was new I trusted and trusted and trusted and OUCH.  So let this old scarred burned hand tell you from having the experience of touching the stove one too many times … what healthy can look like.  (Paraphrased from my first sponsor back in 92)

Kind, content, non-judgmental but firm, compassionate and sincere, never hear a bad word about a person (thick eyeliner or no).  Comments from the heart whether they be angry, sad, happy, or silly.  Easy to laugh and non drama making, cross talking and ego left at the door. No need for accolades, acts of kindness unspoken, gentleness with a ninja kick added for good measure.  Closemouthedness, keepin’ the real, not afraid to say the bad of the shitty day but quick to say how to resolve it.  Genuine and wise, sage lessons given freely without expectation.  The knowing that sponsorship is NOT ownership and people make their own choices.  Content in their skin without anything needed from you, unconditional love for the still suffering, slicing through shame like a hot knife in buttah.  The first one to approach the unapproachable, hand outstretched.  Sometimes these people are disliked for not playing the game. They are okay with that.  Self esteem wins out in the end. They don’t spout the steps, they live them, word and deed… life and breath.

Most of us fall in the middle somewhere I’d imagine. Work in progress, have a bad day or ninety, tough times, blah blah blah. But the phrase “Stick with the winners.” says to me that even if my ship is sinking, I can look for the hand that is love without condition, stuck out JUST BECAUSE they’ve been there too.  I see people bitchin’ all the time about sick people at meetings … you will find what you seek everytime. Focus on sick … that’s what you’ll get. Look for the bright… boomerang baby there’s the light.   What you focus on becomes reality… truly.  So eyes open and use this page for reference if need be. Checklist available upon request.  Trust your gut, deep way down. That’s where the real is … it will spot kindred spirits every time.   Next time we’ll discuss saying “Hi. My name is…”

I came across this quote tonight and it hit me like a brick house. Sometimes we get SO busy trying to do the ‘right’ things and have all the ‘answers’ that we forget. We forget to LIVE amidst all this “doing”. I do it all the time, to the point of paranoia.

Am I acting in a healthful way? What step am I on today? Am I being the best person I can? What are my defects? Where can I improve? How should I have handled this or that or the other? What’s next on the to-do list? And on and on and on and… good gawd it makes me tired just to type this malarky. Vigilance is super important in recovery, where it means life or death to us if we ‘slip’ (don’t like that word. not even a little.); yet there comes a time when the pendulum could swing too far the other way. I’d venture to guess that a large portion of the population doesn’t examine their behavior at all. Weird thought isn’t it, when we spend SO much time focusing on how to get and stay healthy?

When I was a treatment counselor I’d bust patients all the time for “futurizing” and “projecting”. Just because it has a “recovery slant” to it, in my case, doesn’t mean it’s healthful. A defect by any other name still sucks. It’s okay to not have an answer, to not always KNOW the next step.

I can’t remember a day where I just sang because I have a song. Can you? What is your song? This is mine…

It is … what it is.

Twisting and turning like the python in Pandora’s Box, life has a way of just “happening”.  It can happen TO us or we can be an active member of this late night R rated game show.  Put the kids to bed Ma … “life’s” on again.  Flip the channel to the dating game (omg), back to Days of our Jackasses soap style, DVR the news to watch when it’s okay to cry.  Common denominator is who is holding the remote.

Anything can be used for the HGH (human growth hormone I’ll save you the google). Yes even the Telenovelas give us sex tips on how to shake the inner latin mambo saying not a word.  I’m a judger. I admit it.  Work hard to cntrl alt del the words good and bad from the inner Webster’s unabridged.  Experience is just that – no moniker of god/devil unless I choose it to be.  What is the right and wrong of it all really except past experiences bitch slapping me from behind the blonde?  (Oh yes this is another “perspective blog” … get down with it. it’s important)

How I choose to use the information dissemination that is my soul is entirely up to me.  “Without having experienced the deepest black of the night, how can you fully appreciate the beauty that is the sunrise?” ~ quote by Amy Gabriel *grin* paraphrased from 1992.  Even at 19 and new to the recovery game, I knew. Remembered rather.  Know those lessons that only little itty bitty babies have down?  You know.  Be nice, play fair, blah blah blah … THAT is what I strive to remember when life is a shit throwing monkey.

All in all it’s how I CHOOSE to see things.  Glass as half full, half empty, or just simply … there is a glass.  I love the glass.  *pets the glass* In the words of the great P Diddy “Can’t nobody hold me down” unless I buy it on some level. Introspection, with assistance of course, is vital in this channel changing digital world.  The how and why of it all … NOT to put on the zealot judge smock but look with an impartial eye and see how I can BE my highest thought today.  Always … in all ways.  Cookie cutter theology not allowed thank you.  Flow through the inner tv tube to bring the highest quality programming … forget the hijacked “free” cable.  Wonder what’s on PBS today?

So. We get sober/clean.  We go to meetings, get a sponsor, do stepwork … all the necessaries.  What now? How in the sam hell do I have FUN and not use?  All my receptor sites, gut level instincts, behaviors, and attitudes have focused on using for so long that fun seems to be a distant memory.  I used to see people laughing easily, totally comfortable with who they are, doing cheezy things like bowling or dancing; and think “How are they doing that?”.  I mean really.  NOT being messed up and doing really silly things with no inhibitions? They’ve got to be lying about their clean time. I mean OMG.

Then I got involved with young people’s conferences, Founders Day (being from Akron), sober dances, dry clubs, parties and on and on… and so on and so forth.  There is never a dull moment if you choose it that way. Within your vicinity right now, there are plans a brewin’. For clean dances, card parties, bonfires, conferences to liven up the deepest of the winter blahs. The secret here is INVOLVEMENT. Being part of a 12 step fellowship, means just that. Fellowshipping. Camaraderie in the form of shared pain and loss mystically transformed into laughing kinship and love.  In my meetings we say,

But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 132

It may seem hopeless.  We can’t go from rippin it up from dusk til dawn to sitting at home and knitting a flippin’ doily on a Saturday night. Get into it! Jump in the middle of the fellowship and see what happens. I know it’s scary sometimes. Trust me … getting sober as a young person was freaky.  I thought “I’ll never have fun again.” Man was I wrong.  If you’re bored in recovery then you need to open your eyes to whats out there. Camp outs and bar-b-ques and people playing their music stuff; skinny dipping sober (shhh about that one, that’s really between me and my sponsor), the satisfaction of laughing so hard after an all night sober party that my stomach is sore for days after. YES!!! It can SOO be like that.  Plan to hit an NA convention (from what I hear they’re EVERYWHERE),  go to Founder’s Day in June,  or international AA convention in Texas this summer, copy and paste this link into your browser and DO SOMETHING for sober’s sakes.

http://www.anonymousone.com/activities.htm

Love and laughter and joy and peace. You’ll find it here. So what if you’re afraid? We ALL were. Remember that everyone you meet in the rooms was new at one time. WE GET IT. So when we reach our hand out to you … know that it’s done by one who “gets” you. In a way no one else can know.

Kick your heels up. There’s a time for tears and doin’ the work but also a time to shake your groove thing, laugh your ass off, be silly and playful and sing bad karoake songs. We’ll laugh with you until our tummies ache. You’re not alone anymore and remember Rule 62 from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 149,

“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

Yeah. That voice. Those songs. That girl. The girl I grew up listening to, the one that bookmarked first kisses and high school dances and sleepovers and and and… yeah. Beautiful voice and face and could’ve had a beautiful life.

Addiction said this wouldn’t be so.

A once sweet career ended too quickly with a marriage gone sour and a fall from grace. Suspicion of drug use confirmed on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2009. I’ll let you read the Huffington Post article yourself and see what you think.

 Whitney Houston took drugs, including cocaine and marijuana, with ex-husband Bobby Brown, who was emotionally abusive during their marriage and at one point spit on her, the singer said during an interview that aired Monday on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

“I had so much money and so much access to what I wanted,” Houston told Winfrey. “I didn’t think about the singing part anymore. I was looking for my young womanhood.”

After a long absence from music, Houston is staging a career comeback with a new album “I Look to You” released last month and a two-part appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Houston is one of the best-selling artists of all time, but her career stalled as she grappled with drug problems and a troubled marriage to Brown.

The couple married in 1992 and were divorced in 2007. During their marriage, Brown was arrested on drug and alcohol charges, and Houston twice entered drug rehabilitation programs. She has custody of their teenage daughter.

 

One doesn’t qualify for drug treatment by mistake. And of course physical abuse is never to be discounted (being a survivor of DV my damn self).  But denial and addiction go hand in hand in hand to mouth to overdose to death.

No one knows yet as to the cause of death. But once an addict always an addict. WE… know this.

All the money in the world can’t keep you clean. Nor can all the talent. Addiction kills. Whether directly or indirectly. Rest in Peace Whitney.

“The biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy.” Whitney Houston

If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.