If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

It’s somewhat difficult to have a “Merry Christmas” … when you’re pissed off at the world.  Sometimes holidays are hard.  Ok ok ok … they can be difficult ALL the time.  Not enough money, not seeing your kids, not seeing anyone.  Throw staying sober/clean on top of it and WHAM BAM … could be a recipe for disaster.   It’s uber important to find some peace right now.  In the midst of the hustle bustle, drama in a red coat and beard, “sorry kids there’s no presents for christmas” snowballs until you’re puking from the yuletide cheer.

Exactly what is important right now? PERSPECTIVE is important.  REMEMBERING who you are … is important.  Ask yourself these things: who am I? what’s most important right now? what are my choices today?  Lemme give you my answers to these questions : 1. I’m a woman of grace, in recovery, doing the best I can with what I have. 2. Most important is my self concept and recovery. Without this I’m unable to “be” anything else. 3. Today I’m choosing life, peace, contentment, being a loving parent, and the best me I’m able to.

Who cares if there’s no money? MAKE a freakin present. Spend TIME with your babies, if you’re able.  If not write them a story, color them a picture, send it to them whether they can receive it or not.  You’re a parent ALL the time, regardless if you’re present or not.  Positive energy will find them and they will know, deep down, that you’re there.  (There will be no presents from Mommy under the Sassy christmas tree.  I’m okay with this. I’m grateful that there will be presents for them to open, even if they’re not from me.)  More importantly, be there for you.  Take the time to do the things YOU like.  Be it watching movies all day in your jammies, making christmas cookies and eating every last one, putting on that short skirt and goin to a Christmas party with some recovering folk.

Alone for the holidays?? You don’t have to be.  Hitting a meeting, holiday parties recovery style, talking to others in the same situation is healing and self preserving.  Extended recovery family many times can be closer than biological.  Let people care about you! If you don’t you’re depriving people and being selfish.  YES, I said selfish.  It’s good to give, this is true; but having the ability to RECEIVE love is a gift as well.  Know how good it makes you feel to give??? You gonna deprive someone of feelin that way by not lettin’ them love you?  Think of others. Reciprocity is the key.

If this isn’t the best holiday season … there is a silver lining.  Pain can bring growth and impetus for change.  You can deal with some serious issues right now and get the gift of self awareness from Santa this year.  Gifts of light and peace will surely follow.  Not everything is what it seems you know.  Crying is a gift. Healing a bigger one.  Let yourself light the channukah candles of truth for eight crazy nights.  Treat yourself as gently as the babe in the manger, if that’s your flavor.

You are precious. You are a Christmas present, wrapped in red and green and gold bows, sprinkled with joy and hope and love.  Give yourself a gift this year … the gift of YOU.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you don’t have to use to be okay. IT will be okay.  And when you really get down to it, it’s just another day. Except for the fat man and people singing songs bout an Aramaic baby.  It will pass and you’ll be the better for it.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

People that aren’t in recovery look at me like I’m some sort of alien… especially when I try to take responsibility for my actions. Apologizing for poor behavior? Owning my part in a situation. Being unafraid to say “I’m happy today… just because”. It’s like I’m a two headed monster… literally. (I sorta dig that) There are a great deal of unhappy complaining people in the world. It’s rather easy to get sucked into that sometimes. You see I’ve been spoiled for most of my adult life with the jobs I’ve held.

These last few years, due to lack of a Masters Degree and no funding for treatment, have been the first time since 19 years old that I’ve had a job that DIDN’T have to do with recovery. Detox, Battered Women’s Shelters, Crisis Centers, Long Term Care Alcohol and Drug Rehabs, Intermediate Counseling, Children’s Services Investigator (that one lasted a very short time… I wanted to take every child home with me. ouch.), and then being in the rooms for almost 20 years, then a stay at home mom for 7 of those years… has a tendency to flavor your experience.

So I’ve been able to SEE my recovery in a completely different way, by being around NON-recovering people. What a gift it’s been for me to have the wisdom to tell the difference. We all need something to push against sometimes. Something with which to ‘GAUGE’ ourselves and our experiences.

We look at life differently because we HAVE to… actually we CHOOSE it.  If we’re NOT aware of our subconscious disease talking to us… we’ll die. It’s that simple. It really is. The steps tell me this is so; and if there’s one area in my life that I cannot skimp on… it’s the 12 steps of recovery. They help keep me sane and rational and aware. Eyes open kids. All the way.

Okay okay… back to the topic. Jeesh. Talk about tangents Amy… get to it already.

So even though I work my arse off on stepwork and examine myself as much as possible (eww that sounds sorta dirty)… that’s not all there is to this awareness gig. All of this ‘self knowledge’ will do me little good until I apply it. My biggest character defect? Going too quickly. Tasking, tasking, tasking… yes we’ve talked about this before a million times. I don’t really SEE when I’m in that mode. I’m not aware of the looks on my daughters faces or the kind older gentleman flashing me a toothy grin or the eye contact made or pretty much anything important.

What did I see today when I made a conscious decision to SLOW DOWN? 

I had a difficult appointment today.  I made a decision before walking in that this time would be different. That MY attitude would dictate the flavor of the day. The woman who had treated me poorly during the prior appointment was very kind. She apologized for what had happened weeks before and explained how hectic things had been and how she felt badly. When I responded with, “You know you do a great service for people with very little thanks. I understand and I didn’t take it personally. How wonderful of you to be so kind. Thank you.”  This started a 45 minute conversation about social work and public service and by the time we were done she asked if she could speak to me again.  For MY experience and support.

It was the most lovely moment I’ve had in a long time. 

I woke my children up earlier than normal today. I kissed their cheeks awake one by one and spent a good 10 minutes just talking about how the day was going to go. About how amazing they would be and how much I love them. We ate breakfast together that THEY prepared and no fighting or panic occurred.  (I rarely get to take them to school and my mom who watches them is a bit of a “panic queen”)  Out the door with smiles and laughter, looking rather snazzy if I may say so myself.

It was the most lovely moment I’ve had in a long time.

I was able to pick my children up from school. BooBoo sprinted all the way across the school yard and jumped in my arms. Ella even hollered “Look everyone my MOM is here!” I had tears in my eyes.

It was the most lovely moment I’ve had in a long time.

We made a pizza and homemade cookies after a rousing homework session; during which my oldest actually asked to help her sister with math. I saw caring and pride in learning beaming from both of their hearts.

It was the most lovely moment I’ve had in a long time. 

I left the laptop in the kitchen. Powered down my phone. Hunkered down in pajamas with three sweet little girls WITH NO DISTRACTIONS… and watched a movie from start to finish. My middle daughter read everyone a bedtime story (first grader reading DAMN well btw. smarty pants) And then three sweet little girls sang made up lullabyes with me until they drifted to sleep.

I can’t remember when I’ve had a better day.

(well except when my guy was here last weekend. But that’s a story for another day)

My point is I was HERE. All the way. No frantic scrambling or hyper vigilant inventory taking. Just doing the part of step 12 … “practice these principles in ALL your affairs” And then it hit me. This day was what they talk about in the appendix to a spiritual experience in the Big Book (it’s in the back of the book. read it. you won’t be sorry) You know the part about the “educational variety”. When everything you’ve done seems to hit all at once and you GET IT. You feel it all the way down to your tippy toes. When your vision clears and you say EUREKA… this is it baby. All the self work in the world leads up to BEING.

Not every day is happy… but every day is REAL. And having the eyes to see it all? Priceless. All because of recovery. I came to the rooms of AA to stop drinking, I didn’t expect to be given the ability to see the world. Thank you for feeding me when I didn’t have the will to live and for loving me when all I felt was hatred and for showing me that I was no longer alone and for sticking… no matter what.

I love you people and as always… I love recovery.

I’ve been thinking an awful lot lately about outcomes. Goals, dreams, aspirations, blah blah blah.  About making a transition to writing for a living and how I’m going to do that and where is this going to lead and omg I have to succeed at this. I had an epiphany of sorts (although of the educational variety) about how I view such things and what recovery has taught me.

Do the very best you can with what you have and don’t even think about the outcome.

Sounds simple when applying it to recovery yes? Do what’s suggested; work the steps, call sponsor-type folks, read thy recovery books of choice, go to meetings, et cetera. If you do what works … you’ll stay on the recovery roadmap. It’s just that simple. Not easy, mind you, but yes simple.  But applying this to “all” areas of my life? Ouchie. That’s where it gets complicated I complicate things.

We’re taught, in the real world (and in motivational messages), that it’s all about success. Win, win, win. Strive to be the best. Keep your eye on the prize. Kick ass and take names. Be number one. Gooooooaaaaal! It always seems, to me, that it’s all about the end result. Little, to no attention, is focused on the actual journey. How hard it is to maintain focus or the beauty in discipline or the amazing work a starving artist puts out into the world that goes unrecognized.  No one knows anything about a person until they’re a “winner”. Then they say “yadda yadda I worked hard… blah blah I failed a bunch…” But no one cares UNTIL that gold medal is around your neck. When you get your Michael Jordan-esque movie made and everyone cries because he missed X number of free throws over his career and *sniff* and *I believe I can fly* starts playing mysteriously in the background. (omg)

So we tend to get into this thought process of “WHEN” “IF” and “THEN“.  When I get this… I’ll be happy. If I win… then I’ll really be something.  That kind of thinking impacts me deeply. Even in my writing process. When I’m only worried about if people read or if it’s any good at all or analyzing data or or or … yeah, I kinda suck. My words are no longer my own and I’m in the “what do people want to hear about” schemata. When I had that whole big corporate interview thing-a-ma-bob happen (and no I didn’t get the cushy high paying corporate job where I wouldn’t have to worry about heating my house for the winter or having enough money to go around. probably a good thing anyway. okay i’m sure it was a good thing I didn’t get it.) I did that whole freaking out about the outcome thing. It was rather unpleasant. I forgot who I was. And seeing that I LIKE who I am, it was epic suck-age. I wrote differently; censored myself and was NOT in my creative space. Not even a little.

Recovery teaches me differently. That focus being placed DIRECTLY on the journey. On this moment. On the “right now”. On the taking time to appreciate the beauty of the struggle. To recognize and verbalize that when we see it in others. Not so much the outcome but how amazing it is that we’re even ON THE ROAD… to recovery.  Yes we still have goals but it’s in the MEANS to the end where the focus is placed. (gawd I hope this makes sense.)

Or to bring it to an even deeper level… we’re okay no matter what. Sort of a shift in thinking that tells me “you are amazing because you ARE” not so much “you are amazing because you do this for a living or make this much money.” I love that about the program. When we all walk into the rooms something magical happens. There is this great “equalizer”; in which we aren’t seen for what we DO, we’re seen for who we ARE. (how freakin’ awesome and rare is THAT?)

Medals tarnish, fortunes are made and lost in an instant, fifteen minutes of fame is just that… an increment of time. Contracts are broken, shows are cancelled, fame and fortune can come and then go as quickly as a Kardashian marriage. If I base my self worth on ‘achieving’ all the damn time then I’m rather missing the point. The truly successful folks out there with longevity know this also; it’s about being CONSISTENTLY WHO YOU ARE. The rest will fall into place. Always in all ways.

Cherish the journey for that is where character is made. Flash in the pans who talk the talk come and go, but the ones with quiet determination and gratitude are the ones I’m yearning to walk with… “trudging this road of happy destiny.” (leave a comment with that BB page number and I’ll buy you a coffee and we’ll chat via webcam. mean it.)

There are moments like this when it hits me like a ton of bricks… how effin’ LUCKY we are to be able to CREATE OURSELVES, through vigilant recovery work, every single day. That to me… is the biggest indicator of success.  I love you people and as always… I love recovery.

How about … enough is enough, tough enough, i’m not enough, you’ve done enough, enough said, more than enough, not good enough… gah. (That’s an odd word when you type it a couple dozen times btw.) All meaning … according to Merriam and her hot man Webster:   occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations. (i.e., STOP) 

When exactly dost thou cup runneth ovah?

or “more than a mouthful isn’t necessary” HEY I DON’T BELIEVE THAT. hmmph.

Overstimulated. Used to love it. Now? Not so much. I’ve become a much more “middle of the road” type chick; due to recovery and I believe a little bit of aging gracefully. Emotions lambasted at the end of a happy stick can ‘stick’ in my craw just as much as being downtrodden. I’d like to say that I still have a sense of adventure; still like to do “donuts” in my car in an abandoned parking lot in winter. (like I did when I was 16 sporting my mustang and a couple dozen shots of tequila) Nowadays not so much. I look back on that with zero fondness and a sense of “If my kids ever did that I would KILL them”. Yeah my brand new minivan won’t do that anyway.  (Yikes. Minivan. Well at least I have MILF status. I think. Yeah. Pretty sure of that. Sayin’. )

When the hell did I get old? Or smart. Or less “risky” (no I didn’t say risque. THAT is still intact… thank the gods. Every girl needs to keep a little “trashy” at hand, just to keep it interesting. Don’t look at me like that. Or do. Oh hell.) Did this whole sobriety thing take away my sense of adventure? (not a chance in hell. my definition of “adventure” has just changed.)

Living a life fully aware and awake is the greatest adventure. Allowing ourselves to live with no apologies or pretense for being FULLY who we are? Well that’s just got adventure written all over it.  Every day, every moment, is a chance to see all the beauty around you.

You see the problem with thrill seeking behavior is you have to keep upping the ante. Every time sucking down more and more risky to get your proverbial rocks off. Until you either bite the big one or get hurt or irritate everyone around you to the point of being alone. (now apply the previous sentence to a past relationship. ouch. that stings.)

True contentment blossoms from the inside out. NO MATTER WHAT YOU’RE DOING. And balance? Well that’s just the shizznit right there. Being content in your own space whether you’re on a roller coaster or meditating or having sex or not so much or going “out” or staying under covers.

If YOU are down with “it” well then everything else seems pretty freakin’ awesome. You don’t HAVE fun. (this is a passive verb) You CREATE fun. (this is an action verb) Get it? Good.

Know when enough is enough. Listen to the inner winner that shouts… wtf man you’re looking outside of yourself for excitement again. knock it off.  Yeah. THAT voice. It could come from your sponsor or (hopefully someday eventually) your gut or from something you read. Secret is inventory. Watch your thrill seeking behavior that mimics active use (unhealthy jealous stalking stuck-together-at-the-hip relationships are a good example of this). You’ll be glad you did.

oh yes. and speaking of this word “enough”. You are. That. Just the right amounts of amazing and wonderful. Remember that k? K. Love you AND recovery. Peace.

It’s a good time to have sober people around. A good time to hang with the “winners”. Holidays can indeed be a trigger, especially when your traditions have included spiked cider and bobbing for DUI’s.  All dressed up and by the end of the night (still thinking we looked HOT of course) we’ve got vampire makeup smeared and are covered in creepers we see through our beer goggles. Eww. Waking up the day after Halloween with Mr. Wrong is scarier than any Haunted House I’ve ever been to… bleck.

Start a new tradition. Pass out candy. Spend all that energy you used to put into getting all dolled up and prepared to “party” with a set of newer healthier endeavors. Make your children the priority. Get with a bunch of other people in your support system and go trick or treating. Have a sober bash.  See holidays through a new pair of eyes. There are sober dances and events all over the world, I’m sure you can find something to suit your sensibilities.  At the very least go to a meeting and out for spooooky coffee afterwards… you’ll be glad you did. There are more people who are feeling the way you do than you may think. They just might need someone to be with… just like you.

The point is, and yes I’ve taken my sweet time getting here, there ARE things you can do to decrease the cravings and ritualistic sick that we’ve been used to for years upon years. You CAN have fun in recovery. I do. More so than I ever thought possible. Channel your inner winner… dress up with your munchkins or dress up to pass out candy and feel that inner joy that comes from being unabashedly sober and clean. We’ll call it “inner child work” (blah to overused 80′s recovery talk) … with style.

I’m gonna be a hot saucy sober fun loving mom this Halloween… oh wait. Umm nevermind.

What are you going to be?

I was an isolater (okay sometimes still am). A runner. A “get too close to me and I’mma run like hell” type of chick.  (yes. I am aware that I’m not unique. hmmph) A “lick my wounds alone because it’s not pretty” until I can regroup and write it out. I used to believe this protected me until I realized that I was missing part of the equation. The “feeling” aspect. The vulnerability and courage it takes just to “be” in the moment. But there was a problem with that ideology. I had NO say-so in my emotions.

You know that feeling where the back of your neck burns? Your face feels hot? It’s hard to swallow and your eyes start misting? And you say to yourself “don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry please God don’t let me cry right now”. No? Then you should stop reading because this doesn’t relate to you. Yes? Omg it sucks doesn’t it?

I have this “thing” I absolutely despise about myself. I cry. I mean I CRY. At other times than just being sad. When I’m angry or embarassed or overwhelmed, when it’s that time of the month, when I absolutely DO NOT want to show emotion. When I’m happy even. When things are so breath takingly beautiful that I just absolutely have to see the world through a veil of saltine saline. WHEN-EVER. So the only tool I had in the past was to drink and in recovery…  run away. You people CANNOT see this. I hate it so you will to… bleck.

I really dislike this. Really really. Because I’ve learned as a result of recovery that just because I “feel” something, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily truth. (Feelings aren’t facts blah blah blah) Crying is an external showing of an internal stimulus. Aka… showin’ yer ass. Filter-less. It’s being at the whim of emotions that may not even be based in fact.

Here’s the rub.

Unless and until I can accept that part of me completely; embrace the things I like the least about myself… I can’t change them. Thankfully years upon years of stepwork has allowed me to navigate my emotional world so that NOW, when I cry, it’s congruent to the situation. No more past resentments that foul up the works, no more (most times) flawed thinking that makes me a walking water fountain on legs.

But I had to look at it. Steps 6 and 7 showed me that. That I be allowed to address and begin to remove those things in my character that blocked me. From learning, hearing, growing, changing, evolving … into an emotionally balanced person. Until I could SEE the whole water-works issue… and get to the reasons behind it (steps 4 and 5)… only then could I do the work (6-12) to begin to identify the “true from the false”.

Because when we really get down to causes and conditions? Fear is a bitch and the root of most of my flawed perceptions. Today when I “feel” I can do so with a recovering mind; if I’m all “jumbly and weepy” I can look at it and figure out what the hell is wrong with me.   And, if I’m being honest, I’m so tired of running. Now I can stand tall with tears streaming down my face and know that they are based in a recovery mindset. What a gift THAT is.

Man. I love recovery.

It’s National Recovery Month… huh? What does THAT mean exactly? Well according to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse And Mental Health Administration) it’s this…

National Recovery Month (Recovery Month) is a national observance that educates Americans on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a substance use or mental disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life. The observance’s main focus is to laud the gains made by those in recovery from these conditions, just as we would those who are managing other health conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, asthma and heart disease.  Recovery Month spreads the positive message that behavioral health is essential to overall health, that prevention works, treatment is effective and people can and do recover.

Ah that whole awareness thing. Gotcha. And oddly enough in ALL the recovery circles I run around in… I’ve not heard tons about this. Pity. Although I suppose that those already IN recovery don’t really need it seeing as EVERY month is recovery month. For those who don’t know about recovering people… or what addiction is or how to treat it? Yeah. Great.  Maybe this is why…

Celebrated during the month of September, Recovery Month began in 1989 as TreatmentWorks! Month, which honored the work of the treatment and recovery professionals in the field. The observance evolved to National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month (Recovery Month) in 1998, when the observance expanded to include celebrating the accomplishment of individuals in recovery from substance use disorders.  The observance is evolving once again in 2011, to include all aspects of behavioral health and will now be known as National Recovery Month (Recovery Month).

Ah. Right. A month that started as atta boys for counselors (hey I was one for nearly ten years… no shame in givin’ peeps high fives for that) to nine years later celebrating the individuals IN recovery from substance abuse disorders… to EVERYONE and all forms of “behavioral health”.

Great. Right? Cheers and hoopla and whatnot for SAMHSA. Or not. Yeah I’mma catch flack for this one. Don’t really care.

I AM NOT A FAN OF THIS.

Why? Umm. Let’s see. Google our fantastic “Administration” (or because I heart you click the link above) and what does it say? Well besides a lot of pretty words it says… BEHAVIORAL… a lot. It also says MENTAL ILLNESS in conjunction with SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Bleck. and double BLECK. (since we’re going with the whole caps thing)

Man look… the only substance I ever “abused” was the one that I didn’t finish. Abuse. Paugh. I loathe that word. Abuse is like saying that there was a choice in the matter. The Big Book tells me when it comes to alcohol I’ve “lost the power of choice” and I “can’t differentiate the true from the false“. Physical malady with a mental twist of rotten lime chaser.

Do I sound bitter? Probably. Do I have reason? Yep. As a former Addictions Counselor, I spent the majority of MY time (during staff meetings) hashing it out with other “professionals” who believed that Addiction was a Mental Disorder. That if you got to the “core” issue (mommy and daddy not loving you as a child) then you wouldn’t be an addict any more). And NO, I’m not kidding. And I got a bit heated. Why?

Because that goes against everything we learn in 12 step land. We are “physically and mentally different than our fellows“. (it’s in the Big Book. Look it up.) Yes we have a “peculiar mental twist” but once we pick up a drink/drug/needle/blunt/pipe/syringe/pill… something is different in us than other people.

If having a BAD childhood is a requirement for addiction… there’d be a HELL of a lot more people in the rooms.

Now I could go on a huge dissertation about how the American Medical Association has listed alcoholism/drug addiction as a physical disease. But I won’t. You can read about it HERE (Relapse Part Uno… or just the basics Ma’am) That’s the premise I work(ed) under. Because it is TRUTH.

The words substance abuse and mental illness in conjunction with who WE are? It pisses me straight off.

So thanks for your National Recovery blah blah blah… but yeah. It’s not for US. It’s for all the treatment providers in the world to pat themselves on the back for working with us “poor addicts”. Thanks. Really. Raise awareness for treatment (it does work if you have the right providers see a list at In The Rooms… they know the good ones) but don’t make it out like it’s for us. Cause’ it isn’t.

A site that I like? A lot? Sure. NICD. National Institute of Chemical Dependency. Booya. Cause that’s what the hell it is… physiological AND mental dependency. (Screw the word ABUSE. pffft.) These cats know what’s up yo. ANY site that lists these at HOT topics for prevention AND treatment… is cool in my book.

HOT TOPICS & RESOURCES

Addiction Resources

ADASK (Alcohol and Drug Addiction Survival Kit): Is a series of articles and resources geared towards parents and others dealing with the devastation of alcoholism and drug addiction.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Videos

Drug Pictures

Street Drug Slang Terms

Paraphernalia

Signs & Symptoms of Drug / Alcohol Use

Step Work

Relapse Prevention

http://www.nicd.us/findyourhp.html

Find National State to State Halfway Houses

Treatment Center Finder

Yeah. Lots different. And oh… if you go to the site itself? Note the top of the page where it says…

No God = No Peace / Know God = Know Peace

For a national organization to put that on their site? They know recovery. So… SAMHSA? Keep your “abuse” word and contemplate how great your recovery programs are helping “people like us”. Atta boy yourselves for a job well done. Any treatment program worth two shits helps people understand what they’re dealing with, gets them out of their using environment, and then pushes 12 step or alternative support groups. Yes there are mental issues that are addressed but they are listed as BARRIERS TO RECOVERY… NOT CAUSES OF ADDICTION.

HUGE EFFIN’ DIFFERENCE PEOPLE.

I would say sorry for the rant. But I’m not. I loved being a counselor/therapist, and I have pretty strong beliefs about what works and what doesn’t. Some treatment facilities get it (usually with most of the staff themselves being in recovery) some just DO NOT. Let’s support the ones that do… the sites that DO… the organizations that DO… because us “poor folks who abuse substances”? Well we’re some smart m-effers and with the help of treatment professionals who get IT as well as “the rooms”, we handle our bizness… thank you very much. Seventy plus years of 12 step programs thriving says this is so.

I don’t abuse shit. I… am an addict.

And while you’re patting yourself on the back SAMHSA? I (and those like me) am working with the newcomer who doesn’t give a DAMN about National RECOVERY Month. They just don’t want to die. Same as me. Perhaps all that money you’re spending on fliers and advertising could go to folks who need a damn treatment BED. Just sayin.

I love recovery.

Disclaimer: All the words listed in italics above are quotes directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you find them and email (soberandsassy@yahoo.com) me… I’ll take you out for coffee. Or I’ll send you a gift card and we can webcam drinking it together and shoot the shit recovery style. (I’m not kidding) Tell a girl.