If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

It’s somewhat difficult to have a “Merry Christmas” … when you’re pissed off at the world.  Sometimes holidays are hard.  Ok ok ok … they can be difficult ALL the time.  Not enough money, not seeing your kids, not seeing anyone.  Throw staying sober/clean on top of it and WHAM BAM … could be a recipe for disaster.   It’s uber important to find some peace right now.  In the midst of the hustle bustle, drama in a red coat and beard, “sorry kids there’s no presents for christmas” snowballs until you’re puking from the yuletide cheer.

Exactly what is important right now? PERSPECTIVE is important.  REMEMBERING who you are … is important.  Ask yourself these things: who am I? what’s most important right now? what are my choices today?  Lemme give you my answers to these questions : 1. I’m a woman of grace, in recovery, doing the best I can with what I have. 2. Most important is my self concept and recovery. Without this I’m unable to “be” anything else. 3. Today I’m choosing life, peace, contentment, being a loving parent, and the best me I’m able to.

Who cares if there’s no money? MAKE a freakin present. Spend TIME with your babies, if you’re able.  If not write them a story, color them a picture, send it to them whether they can receive it or not.  You’re a parent ALL the time, regardless if you’re present or not.  Positive energy will find them and they will know, deep down, that you’re there.  (There will be no presents from Mommy under the Sassy christmas tree.  I’m okay with this. I’m grateful that there will be presents for them to open, even if they’re not from me.)  More importantly, be there for you.  Take the time to do the things YOU like.  Be it watching movies all day in your jammies, making christmas cookies and eating every last one, putting on that short skirt and goin to a Christmas party with some recovering folk.

Alone for the holidays?? You don’t have to be.  Hitting a meeting, holiday parties recovery style, talking to others in the same situation is healing and self preserving.  Extended recovery family many times can be closer than biological.  Let people care about you! If you don’t you’re depriving people and being selfish.  YES, I said selfish.  It’s good to give, this is true; but having the ability to RECEIVE love is a gift as well.  Know how good it makes you feel to give??? You gonna deprive someone of feelin that way by not lettin’ them love you?  Think of others. Reciprocity is the key.

If this isn’t the best holiday season … there is a silver lining.  Pain can bring growth and impetus for change.  You can deal with some serious issues right now and get the gift of self awareness from Santa this year.  Gifts of light and peace will surely follow.  Not everything is what it seems you know.  Crying is a gift. Healing a bigger one.  Let yourself light the channukah candles of truth for eight crazy nights.  Treat yourself as gently as the babe in the manger, if that’s your flavor.

You are precious. You are a Christmas present, wrapped in red and green and gold bows, sprinkled with joy and hope and love.  Give yourself a gift this year … the gift of YOU.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you don’t have to use to be okay. IT will be okay.  And when you really get down to it, it’s just another day. Except for the fat man and people singing songs bout an Aramaic baby.  It will pass and you’ll be the better for it.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

Really? Thanksgiving. Yes. Stuff yourself til you sleep day. Remember how the Indians saved our asses then we took their land day. Don’t get me wrong … my gorgeous daughters dressing in pilgrim garb and saying a thankful prayer is omg-adorable.  I dig the cooking, the family-ish-ness, and all that. I do.

My three perfectly exquisite and mischievous ninjas. My reasons for living, breathing, and my absolute joy. If I had naught else in this world, my cup of gratitude overfloweth with just their smiles.

But … I like to look a bit deeper. Dig a bit farther. See the beauty in the not-so-pretty. The worthiness of the struggle. The strength in the pain.

We have that you know. Us people-types.  Those of us struggling for awareness especially.  So I’d like to share with you MY gratitude-what-i’m-thankful-for-every-single-moment-of-every-day-not-just-eat-turkey-and-watch-football-day.

• that I’ve suffered so that I know compassion
• ability to be in pain and embrace pure and utter emotion
• broken to a million pieces for it has strengthened me
• to know the opposite of love – so that I cherish kindness
• to have been hurt in childhood to know what NOT to do with the three most important parts of my life
• to have been bereft of self worth so that I work with diligence on self improvement
• to have scars to remind me from whence I came
• sore feet and an aching back and to smile when the lights come on at home because … I worked for this. Hard.
• loneliness to help me cherish loved ones
• dark to identify light
• to remember the “sick” to see health

For truly… how are we to be awake, without eye openers? And that leads me to acknowledge the amazing people in my life. Who hold out their hands and care for me with an unconditional love that takes my breath away – every single day.  I like to think I do the same. Reciprocity you know.  It’s magic.

Oh and don’t get me started on the folks who have so little. Why does it take a holiday for us to give? To bring it to the forefront of our minds? To push us to be emotionally present and sentimental and in the “thanks” giving mood?  Daily. Monthly. Even bi-annually is more than just around the holidays.  Mindful of our interdependency. THAT is where I want to be.  Aware and awake and full of thanks for every little kindness. I’d say that’d be a lovely present to share today… and all days. Every moment, every breath … the “present” … and you are the gift.

Happy Thanks-Giving. Take a moment to find out what you’re REALLY grateful for. And yes that includes adjustable waistband pants. It is stuff yourself day yanno.

Without recovery… no amount of thanks-for-anything, would be possible. So when it comes down to it? Being a SOBER sassy girl… allows me to know the difference between selfishness and humility, numb and grateful. Thanks for that. Thanks for YOU. I’ve been writing this blog for three years now, which in internets time is like CENTURIES. When I sit down to my lappity lap top I feel like I’m about to talk to old friends, which of course… I am. This blog has saved my life (and my ass) so many times I can’t even begin to count. You see, as any good writer will tell you, writers write what they need to remember/learn/DO. And the fact that I’ve met so many amazing people as a result? Well that’s just the gravy.

Thank you. I love you… and, as always, I Love Recovery. Happy Thanksgiving my friends.

How about … enough is enough, tough enough, i’m not enough, you’ve done enough, enough said, more than enough, not good enough… gah. (That’s an odd word when you type it a couple dozen times btw.) All meaning … according to Merriam and her hot man Webster:   occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations. (i.e., STOP) 

When exactly dost thou cup runneth ovah?

or “more than a mouthful isn’t necessary” HEY I DON’T BELIEVE THAT. hmmph.

Overstimulated. Used to love it. Now? Not so much. I’ve become a much more “middle of the road” type chick; due to recovery and I believe a little bit of aging gracefully. Emotions lambasted at the end of a happy stick can ‘stick’ in my craw just as much as being downtrodden. I’d like to say that I still have a sense of adventure; still like to do “donuts” in my car in an abandoned parking lot in winter. (like I did when I was 16 sporting my mustang and a couple dozen shots of tequila) Nowadays not so much. I look back on that with zero fondness and a sense of “If my kids ever did that I would KILL them”. Yeah my brand new minivan won’t do that anyway.  (Yikes. Minivan. Well at least I have MILF status. I think. Yeah. Pretty sure of that. Sayin’. )

When the hell did I get old? Or smart. Or less “risky” (no I didn’t say risque. THAT is still intact… thank the gods. Every girl needs to keep a little “trashy” at hand, just to keep it interesting. Don’t look at me like that. Or do. Oh hell.) Did this whole sobriety thing take away my sense of adventure? (not a chance in hell. my definition of “adventure” has just changed.)

Living a life fully aware and awake is the greatest adventure. Allowing ourselves to live with no apologies or pretense for being FULLY who we are? Well that’s just got adventure written all over it.  Every day, every moment, is a chance to see all the beauty around you.

You see the problem with thrill seeking behavior is you have to keep upping the ante. Every time sucking down more and more risky to get your proverbial rocks off. Until you either bite the big one or get hurt or irritate everyone around you to the point of being alone. (now apply the previous sentence to a past relationship. ouch. that stings.)

True contentment blossoms from the inside out. NO MATTER WHAT YOU’RE DOING. And balance? Well that’s just the shizznit right there. Being content in your own space whether you’re on a roller coaster or meditating or having sex or not so much or going “out” or staying under covers.

If YOU are down with “it” well then everything else seems pretty freakin’ awesome. You don’t HAVE fun. (this is a passive verb) You CREATE fun. (this is an action verb) Get it? Good.

Know when enough is enough. Listen to the inner winner that shouts… wtf man you’re looking outside of yourself for excitement again. knock it off.  Yeah. THAT voice. It could come from your sponsor or (hopefully someday eventually) your gut or from something you read. Secret is inventory. Watch your thrill seeking behavior that mimics active use (unhealthy jealous stalking stuck-together-at-the-hip relationships are a good example of this). You’ll be glad you did.

oh yes. and speaking of this word “enough”. You are. That. Just the right amounts of amazing and wonderful. Remember that k? K. Love you AND recovery. Peace.

It’s a good time to have sober people around. A good time to hang with the “winners”. Holidays can indeed be a trigger, especially when your traditions have included spiked cider and bobbing for DUI’s.  All dressed up and by the end of the night (still thinking we looked HOT of course) we’ve got vampire makeup smeared and are covered in creepers we see through our beer goggles. Eww. Waking up the day after Halloween with Mr. Wrong is scarier than any Haunted House I’ve ever been to… bleck.

Start a new tradition. Pass out candy. Spend all that energy you used to put into getting all dolled up and prepared to “party” with a set of newer healthier endeavors. Make your children the priority. Get with a bunch of other people in your support system and go trick or treating. Have a sober bash.  See holidays through a new pair of eyes. There are sober dances and events all over the world, I’m sure you can find something to suit your sensibilities.  At the very least go to a meeting and out for spooooky coffee afterwards… you’ll be glad you did. There are more people who are feeling the way you do than you may think. They just might need someone to be with… just like you.

The point is, and yes I’ve taken my sweet time getting here, there ARE things you can do to decrease the cravings and ritualistic sick that we’ve been used to for years upon years. You CAN have fun in recovery. I do. More so than I ever thought possible. Channel your inner winner… dress up with your munchkins or dress up to pass out candy and feel that inner joy that comes from being unabashedly sober and clean. We’ll call it “inner child work” (blah to overused 80′s recovery talk) … with style.

I’m gonna be a hot saucy sober fun loving mom this Halloween… oh wait. Umm nevermind.

What are you going to be?

I was an isolater (okay sometimes still am). A runner. A “get too close to me and I’mma run like hell” type of chick.  (yes. I am aware that I’m not unique. hmmph) A “lick my wounds alone because it’s not pretty” until I can regroup and write it out. I used to believe this protected me until I realized that I was missing part of the equation. The “feeling” aspect. The vulnerability and courage it takes just to “be” in the moment. But there was a problem with that ideology. I had NO say-so in my emotions.

You know that feeling where the back of your neck burns? Your face feels hot? It’s hard to swallow and your eyes start misting? And you say to yourself “don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry please God don’t let me cry right now”. No? Then you should stop reading because this doesn’t relate to you. Yes? Omg it sucks doesn’t it?

I have this “thing” I absolutely despise about myself. I cry. I mean I CRY. At other times than just being sad. When I’m angry or embarassed or overwhelmed, when it’s that time of the month, when I absolutely DO NOT want to show emotion. When I’m happy even. When things are so breath takingly beautiful that I just absolutely have to see the world through a veil of saltine saline. WHEN-EVER. So the only tool I had in the past was to drink and in recovery…  run away. You people CANNOT see this. I hate it so you will to… bleck.

I really dislike this. Really really. Because I’ve learned as a result of recovery that just because I “feel” something, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily truth. (Feelings aren’t facts blah blah blah) Crying is an external showing of an internal stimulus. Aka… showin’ yer ass. Filter-less. It’s being at the whim of emotions that may not even be based in fact.

Here’s the rub.

Unless and until I can accept that part of me completely; embrace the things I like the least about myself… I can’t change them. Thankfully years upon years of stepwork has allowed me to navigate my emotional world so that NOW, when I cry, it’s congruent to the situation. No more past resentments that foul up the works, no more (most times) flawed thinking that makes me a walking water fountain on legs.

But I had to look at it. Steps 6 and 7 showed me that. That I be allowed to address and begin to remove those things in my character that blocked me. From learning, hearing, growing, changing, evolving … into an emotionally balanced person. Until I could SEE the whole water-works issue… and get to the reasons behind it (steps 4 and 5)… only then could I do the work (6-12) to begin to identify the “true from the false”.

Because when we really get down to causes and conditions? Fear is a bitch and the root of most of my flawed perceptions. Today when I “feel” I can do so with a recovering mind; if I’m all “jumbly and weepy” I can look at it and figure out what the hell is wrong with me.   And, if I’m being honest, I’m so tired of running. Now I can stand tall with tears streaming down my face and know that they are based in a recovery mindset. What a gift THAT is.

Man. I love recovery.

It’s more of who you ARE (on the inside) than what you DO on the outside… that people will remember.

Think differently than the rest… you are an original. Sheep-ism is so last week.

Know that no matter what… you are valuable.

There is a learning curve, you do NOT have to be all things to all people.

If you wouldn’t say it to a friend… don’t say it to yourself.

It takes what it takes, until it takes something different. There is no one road in life.

This isn’t about grades, it’s about doing the very best you can with what is in front of you. We don’t all start from the same spot.

For every negative thing you tell yourself, tell yourself five positives. Pretty soon your head will get tired of challenging itself.

Your love for you and your love for others should be equal; balance is the key. Problems happen when we lean too far one way or the other.

As long as you’re doing the work, everything will all fall into place.

You are not always the most qualified to critique yourself. Self doubt is a pain in the tuckus. Get a couple of opinions before passing judgment.

Learn to receive as gracefully as you give.

You… are never alone.