If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.

It’s somewhat difficult to have a “Merry Christmas” … when you’re pissed off at the world.  Sometimes holidays are hard.  Ok ok ok … they can be difficult ALL the time.  Not enough money, not seeing your kids, not seeing anyone.  Throw staying sober/clean on top of it and WHAM BAM … could be a recipe for disaster.   It’s uber important to find some peace right now.  In the midst of the hustle bustle, drama in a red coat and beard, “sorry kids there’s no presents for christmas” snowballs until you’re puking from the yuletide cheer.

Exactly what is important right now? PERSPECTIVE is important.  REMEMBERING who you are … is important.  Ask yourself these things: who am I? what’s most important right now? what are my choices today?  Lemme give you my answers to these questions : 1. I’m a woman of grace, in recovery, doing the best I can with what I have. 2. Most important is my self concept and recovery. Without this I’m unable to “be” anything else. 3. Today I’m choosing life, peace, contentment, being a loving parent, and the best me I’m able to.

Who cares if there’s no money? MAKE a freakin present. Spend TIME with your babies, if you’re able.  If not write them a story, color them a picture, send it to them whether they can receive it or not.  You’re a parent ALL the time, regardless if you’re present or not.  Positive energy will find them and they will know, deep down, that you’re there.  (There will be no presents from Mommy under the Sassy christmas tree.  I’m okay with this. I’m grateful that there will be presents for them to open, even if they’re not from me.)  More importantly, be there for you.  Take the time to do the things YOU like.  Be it watching movies all day in your jammies, making christmas cookies and eating every last one, putting on that short skirt and goin to a Christmas party with some recovering folk.

Alone for the holidays?? You don’t have to be.  Hitting a meeting, holiday parties recovery style, talking to others in the same situation is healing and self preserving.  Extended recovery family many times can be closer than biological.  Let people care about you! If you don’t you’re depriving people and being selfish.  YES, I said selfish.  It’s good to give, this is true; but having the ability to RECEIVE love is a gift as well.  Know how good it makes you feel to give??? You gonna deprive someone of feelin that way by not lettin’ them love you?  Think of others. Reciprocity is the key.

If this isn’t the best holiday season … there is a silver lining.  Pain can bring growth and impetus for change.  You can deal with some serious issues right now and get the gift of self awareness from Santa this year.  Gifts of light and peace will surely follow.  Not everything is what it seems you know.  Crying is a gift. Healing a bigger one.  Let yourself light the channukah candles of truth for eight crazy nights.  Treat yourself as gently as the babe in the manger, if that’s your flavor.

You are precious. You are a Christmas present, wrapped in red and green and gold bows, sprinkled with joy and hope and love.  Give yourself a gift this year … the gift of YOU.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you don’t have to use to be okay. IT will be okay.  And when you really get down to it, it’s just another day. Except for the fat man and people singing songs bout an Aramaic baby.  It will pass and you’ll be the better for it.

It’s a good time to have sober people around. A good time to hang with the “winners”. Holidays can indeed be a trigger, especially when your traditions have included spiked cider and bobbing for DUI’s.  All dressed up and by the end of the night (still thinking we looked HOT of course) we’ve got vampire makeup smeared and are covered in creepers we see through our beer goggles. Eww. Waking up the day after Halloween with Mr. Wrong is scarier than any Haunted House I’ve ever been to… bleck.

Start a new tradition. Pass out candy. Spend all that energy you used to put into getting all dolled up and prepared to “party” with a set of newer healthier endeavors. Make your children the priority. Get with a bunch of other people in your support system and go trick or treating. Have a sober bash.  See holidays through a new pair of eyes. There are sober dances and events all over the world, I’m sure you can find something to suit your sensibilities.  At the very least go to a meeting and out for spooooky coffee afterwards… you’ll be glad you did. There are more people who are feeling the way you do than you may think. They just might need someone to be with… just like you.

The point is, and yes I’ve taken my sweet time getting here, there ARE things you can do to decrease the cravings and ritualistic sick that we’ve been used to for years upon years. You CAN have fun in recovery. I do. More so than I ever thought possible. Channel your inner winner… dress up with your munchkins or dress up to pass out candy and feel that inner joy that comes from being unabashedly sober and clean. We’ll call it “inner child work” (blah to overused 80′s recovery talk) … with style.

I’m gonna be a hot saucy sober fun loving mom this Halloween… oh wait. Umm nevermind.

What are you going to be?

It’s National Recovery Month… huh? What does THAT mean exactly? Well according to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse And Mental Health Administration) it’s this…

National Recovery Month (Recovery Month) is a national observance that educates Americans on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a substance use or mental disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life. The observance’s main focus is to laud the gains made by those in recovery from these conditions, just as we would those who are managing other health conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, asthma and heart disease.  Recovery Month spreads the positive message that behavioral health is essential to overall health, that prevention works, treatment is effective and people can and do recover.

Ah that whole awareness thing. Gotcha. And oddly enough in ALL the recovery circles I run around in… I’ve not heard tons about this. Pity. Although I suppose that those already IN recovery don’t really need it seeing as EVERY month is recovery month. For those who don’t know about recovering people… or what addiction is or how to treat it? Yeah. Great.  Maybe this is why…

Celebrated during the month of September, Recovery Month began in 1989 as TreatmentWorks! Month, which honored the work of the treatment and recovery professionals in the field. The observance evolved to National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month (Recovery Month) in 1998, when the observance expanded to include celebrating the accomplishment of individuals in recovery from substance use disorders.  The observance is evolving once again in 2011, to include all aspects of behavioral health and will now be known as National Recovery Month (Recovery Month).

Ah. Right. A month that started as atta boys for counselors (hey I was one for nearly ten years… no shame in givin’ peeps high fives for that) to nine years later celebrating the individuals IN recovery from substance abuse disorders… to EVERYONE and all forms of “behavioral health”.

Great. Right? Cheers and hoopla and whatnot for SAMHSA. Or not. Yeah I’mma catch flack for this one. Don’t really care.

I AM NOT A FAN OF THIS.

Why? Umm. Let’s see. Google our fantastic “Administration” (or because I heart you click the link above) and what does it say? Well besides a lot of pretty words it says… BEHAVIORAL… a lot. It also says MENTAL ILLNESS in conjunction with SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Bleck. and double BLECK. (since we’re going with the whole caps thing)

Man look… the only substance I ever “abused” was the one that I didn’t finish. Abuse. Paugh. I loathe that word. Abuse is like saying that there was a choice in the matter. The Big Book tells me when it comes to alcohol I’ve “lost the power of choice” and I “can’t differentiate the true from the false“. Physical malady with a mental twist of rotten lime chaser.

Do I sound bitter? Probably. Do I have reason? Yep. As a former Addictions Counselor, I spent the majority of MY time (during staff meetings) hashing it out with other “professionals” who believed that Addiction was a Mental Disorder. That if you got to the “core” issue (mommy and daddy not loving you as a child) then you wouldn’t be an addict any more). And NO, I’m not kidding. And I got a bit heated. Why?

Because that goes against everything we learn in 12 step land. We are “physically and mentally different than our fellows“. (it’s in the Big Book. Look it up.) Yes we have a “peculiar mental twist” but once we pick up a drink/drug/needle/blunt/pipe/syringe/pill… something is different in us than other people.

If having a BAD childhood is a requirement for addiction… there’d be a HELL of a lot more people in the rooms.

Now I could go on a huge dissertation about how the American Medical Association has listed alcoholism/drug addiction as a physical disease. But I won’t. You can read about it HERE (Relapse Part Uno… or just the basics Ma’am) That’s the premise I work(ed) under. Because it is TRUTH.

The words substance abuse and mental illness in conjunction with who WE are? It pisses me straight off.

So thanks for your National Recovery blah blah blah… but yeah. It’s not for US. It’s for all the treatment providers in the world to pat themselves on the back for working with us “poor addicts”. Thanks. Really. Raise awareness for treatment (it does work if you have the right providers see a list at In The Rooms… they know the good ones) but don’t make it out like it’s for us. Cause’ it isn’t.

A site that I like? A lot? Sure. NICD. National Institute of Chemical Dependency. Booya. Cause that’s what the hell it is… physiological AND mental dependency. (Screw the word ABUSE. pffft.) These cats know what’s up yo. ANY site that lists these at HOT topics for prevention AND treatment… is cool in my book.

HOT TOPICS & RESOURCES

Addiction Resources

ADASK (Alcohol and Drug Addiction Survival Kit): Is a series of articles and resources geared towards parents and others dealing with the devastation of alcoholism and drug addiction.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Videos

Drug Pictures

Street Drug Slang Terms

Paraphernalia

Signs & Symptoms of Drug / Alcohol Use

Step Work

Relapse Prevention

http://www.nicd.us/findyourhp.html

Find National State to State Halfway Houses

Treatment Center Finder

Yeah. Lots different. And oh… if you go to the site itself? Note the top of the page where it says…

No God = No Peace / Know God = Know Peace

For a national organization to put that on their site? They know recovery. So… SAMHSA? Keep your “abuse” word and contemplate how great your recovery programs are helping “people like us”. Atta boy yourselves for a job well done. Any treatment program worth two shits helps people understand what they’re dealing with, gets them out of their using environment, and then pushes 12 step or alternative support groups. Yes there are mental issues that are addressed but they are listed as BARRIERS TO RECOVERY… NOT CAUSES OF ADDICTION.

HUGE EFFIN’ DIFFERENCE PEOPLE.

I would say sorry for the rant. But I’m not. I loved being a counselor/therapist, and I have pretty strong beliefs about what works and what doesn’t. Some treatment facilities get it (usually with most of the staff themselves being in recovery) some just DO NOT. Let’s support the ones that do… the sites that DO… the organizations that DO… because us “poor folks who abuse substances”? Well we’re some smart m-effers and with the help of treatment professionals who get IT as well as “the rooms”, we handle our bizness… thank you very much. Seventy plus years of 12 step programs thriving says this is so.

I don’t abuse shit. I… am an addict.

And while you’re patting yourself on the back SAMHSA? I (and those like me) am working with the newcomer who doesn’t give a DAMN about National RECOVERY Month. They just don’t want to die. Same as me. Perhaps all that money you’re spending on fliers and advertising could go to folks who need a damn treatment BED. Just sayin.

I love recovery.

Disclaimer: All the words listed in italics above are quotes directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you find them and email (soberandsassy@yahoo.com) me… I’ll take you out for coffee. Or I’ll send you a gift card and we can webcam drinking it together and shoot the shit recovery style. (I’m not kidding) Tell a girl. 

Mistakes. We all make em. Part of the human condition. Funny how some folks seem to just gracefully pirouette right through a ‘screw up’ with dignity and no scars. I… am not one of those people. I am a person that has an 18 inch tube connecting my heart and head that is filled with “WTF”… clogged, blocked, and corroded.

I come by it honestly. Raised in a household where NOTHING was good enough… EVER, lends some residual dark matter to reside in the subconscious. Other words, “When is that other shoe gonna drop.” Amazing how intellectually I can KNOW I’m not a screw-up but have difficulty FEELING IT. Struggling from a beat down life where most of it was spent looking up from the floor will do that to a chick. See the issue is now… that I’ve taken over those messages. I’m a smart chick. Once I learn something yeah it’s mine. UN-learning that bullshit is the task today.

Now we all have rote answers to this. Let go and let God. Keep coming back. Blah blah blah. Not that slogans aren’t important because they are, but what helps me most is when someone says:”Yeah. I’ve felt that way too. Yeah. My head lies to me too. Yeah my perfectionism bites me in the ass… too.” I always try to relate versus give advice. Advice has a tendency to go in one ear and out the other. Just one more person telling you something you already know.

What makes recovery work so well is the ability to share our experience…

Anyway… I digress. Back to topic. I’ve found that it’s not so much the actual MISTAKE that matters so much, it’s my interpretation of it and how it confirms my past perceptions that screw with me the most. But isn’t that always the case? Perception is a wench that needs drop kicked so that I stop REACTING in a way that just doesn’t fit. That’s the bitch of it all really… MY THINKING (when it comes to me) SUCKS.

Now I’m a writer. Not just this stuff… but an inventory writer. Always searching for things blocking me from healthy thinking and behaviors. To say that I am diligent is an understatement. Are my thinking and values and beliefs helping or hurting me and all that rubbish. Funny thing about stepwork. it’s all well and good to identify but then what do you DO with it?

I take my 10th step inventory cues from the 4th step inventory directions… but then I forget (sometimes) about the next part. The sharing it. The telling. The grabbing another drunk and letting it all hang out. There’s magic in that. Healing and humility.

That act of sharing seems to unclog that 18 inch superhighway between head and heart filled with shit and let’s that whole KNOWLEDGE thing… internalize. All the way down deep, where it matters most. Just that act allows clarity to shine right in through that dirty window called my heart.

We’re not meant to recover alone. A problem-thought-issue shared is a problem-thought-issue cut in half. It’s sorta the way this thing works. And me? Well I have a quick “forgetter” when it comes to this healthy stuff sometimes… okay most times. Acting as if you have all the answers and don’t need help is rather arrogant. It’s a “WE” program after all. And by sharing the sick, you may just help another to not feel so alone or so crazy. That’s 12 step stuff… which is another blog post altogether. Err on the side of open sharing with a trusted source… this recovery stuff really works. Even for this sick chick.

There is no SHAME in screwing up and telling on it. More than you realize you’ll be helping someone else that feels or has felt just the same way. Arrogant folks don’t recover easily. Humble ones? Well those are the ones I want to be around today. They have what I want. We’re not here to solve anything… just listen and share ourselves. Thanks for letting me share today. You people help me more than you’ll ever realize with your comments and kindness and the sharing of YOU… with me. Your comments and emails and discussions? Yeah they make my day… everyday. Pretty nifty the way this whole things works yes? Yes.  I love you people and I love recovery.

post script: Thanks Kat for listening to me last night. I don’t do this sharing thing very gracefully or well at all… and you always take the time to listen and care without judgment. That is priceless to me and I love you. Of course sharing stuff over epically good coffee and laughing doesn’t hurt either. *mwah*

I was asked to speak at a meeting. Share my story. You know the experience, strength, hope thingy that’s part of our 12 step work. Yeah. It just so happened that on that night… I had a sick babygirl with a fever well over 100 degrees, I worked late, it was so hot any makeup I put on melted right off, and my hair was reminiscent of a wet poodle with hairspray. (I’m not even kidding)

I didn’t want to go. An hour drive there and back. SOOO much on my plate that I needed four of me to break even.

I went anyway. Because that’s what I have to do to stay sober. Without my sobriety all the “stuff” wouldn’t even be there to worry about. My children, home, job, health… yeah. Without my recovery, I would care less about any of the things I cherish so much today. I even made it a point to make plans to pick a woman in recovery up to take with me, for accountability’s sake. (Damn that accountability. Thorn in my side. pffft.)

And something amazing happened. All the stress and trauma and drama (self created of course) of life melted away. Literally.

I knew maybe two people at the meeting but they were as friendly as if I’d known them for years. When we said the serenity prayer, focus and clarity and calm came and I was able to see; for the first time in months… what was really important.

One thing I know to be true as a recovering woman; I don’t always know what’s best for me. So when you’re asked to do something in recovery, NO is not an option unless extreme barriers block you from fulfilling the obligation. Yes I would have rather been with my sick child, or obsessing over how far I’m behind in my writing, or new jobs hovering on the horizon; but my happy ass needed to be right where it was.

Miracles are waiting around every turn. Even the miracle of serenity. Don’t deprive yourself of such things… answering YES, when all you want to say is NO, makes it so. What does the “want to” have to do with it anyway? There are still many instances where what I WANT … isn’t the best solution for this sick chick. When I hear folks say “you have to have the WANT TO” I think to myself, “Nah. It’s more of the do it especially if you DON’T wanna”. That to me? Is recovery.

Be well my friends and thank you for keeping me sober. And as always … I LOVE RECOVERY.

Ego-maniac with an inferiority complex. Ever heard that? What do you think it means? Is it applicable to someone you know? Perhaps you? I dunno. Let’s find out. I can tell you I used to hang my hat on this more often than not, once upon a time. Oh yes. This is my memorex memory.

Well my take on it is “I’m obsessed with myself because I’m such a loser.” or “Look at me because i’m less than you.” or “I’m so important but if you find out what a schmuck I am … you’ll hate me like I hate me.” *deep breath*

Right. Sounds ass backwards yes? Like walking into a room full of people and having them turn to look; you’re just SURE they’re picking you apart and looking at all of your flaws. Not because you’re attractive or you just made a ruckus opening the door or people are nosy… of course not … you’re just so important that everyone is taking time out of THEIR lives to focus on you. Really? Yeah. I felt that way too. A lot.

I had (sometimes still have) a fear of success. Sounds strange doesn’t it? You think with “winning” at something, one would be happy. Not always the case. Especially us ego-maniacal inferior types.  So used to looking at the world from the floor that anything else seems rather odd.

Feel me? When “good” things happen – always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Just sure that like Charlie Brown and the football, Lucy WILL pull the ball away – just like always. Past experience rearing an ugly head to impact the present.

I hate when that happens. Especially when I’m not aware of what exactly I’m doing. More often than not I catch myself  in this self sabotage mode, not always soon enough. Relationships, employers, recovery networks, et cetera et cetera; are challenged by this notion.

I must remember humility. The idea that I’m no better nor worse than anyone else. Just another traveler on the journey. Favored sayings in the rooms where I live “I compared my insides to another person’s outsides.” Meaning that not everyone shows their “stuff”; their drama and pain and insecurity. So they APPEAR okay … when maybe they’re struggling just like you.

Everyone has “stuff”. Ever talk to someone and realize your first impression was totally wrong? That your opinion of them was faulty and they say things like “I was totally scared to death.” or “nervous” or even “afraid”. And here all this time you thought they were stuck up. Shows what you know.

To wallow in disaster is a sign of the sick. To not allow some joyous be in your life is pretty self centered. You are after all just like me and everyone else walking this path of recovery.

I used to have a sponsor that would flip the script on me quite often. She’d say, “Who are you to not allow life to be good? You think you know better than a higher power? That’s ego girl. Get rid of it.” And bam – she opened my eyes to the possibility that I was the one holding my own self back.

Every once in a while I’ll do this soft shoe shuffle of “I’m not worthy.” Bleck. Who says? And if they DID say things like that, were they a reliable source?  Think about it. Hard. Those who try to put you down (including and especially yourself) are not reliable sources.

Just like things can’t ALWAYS be good, nor can things ALWAYS be bad. We all have to win sometimes yes? And quite possibly … you just might deserve a little joy and success. The scales always rise. What comes down has to come back up. Simple physics. Just being willing to look at this stuff is proof that this is so. You are looking for awareness and that? HUGE SUCCESS. I like surrounding myself with folks like you.

Just keep walking. I’ll be right beside you.

Coping skills. We all have them. Gleaned from life experience they protect us (we think) from the outside stimuli battering at our psyche. How we deal with what life can throw at us … matters.  Some of these “skills” are faulty. Twisted into unhealthy behaviors that create more problems than they solve. Sometimes tools break and don’t work the way they were intended. Talk about monkey wrenches being thrown in the works. Jeeze.

If I don’t feel good about me today … what do I do to make ME feel better? Focus on other people’s misery or misfortune to make my life feel brighter? Flirt with any man that comes along to feel attractive? Stomp around and make others walk on eggshells? Yell for no reason? Make “irritated” my middle name? Yes this is exaggerated but truly think about the world at large; most people shrug and say “I’m just made this way. I’m having a bad day because of you and you and you over there.”

In recovery I have a chance to break this cycle. To stop blaming other people, places, and things for MY behavior.  What a gift that is. No longer can I get away with saying “You made me” or “It’s all his fault” or “If only she would do things MY way I’d be happy.” (Well you could say those things but if your sponsor or support people are worth a hoot … they’ll call you on it every time)

Basic premise of recovery – YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. Meaning every action you take, every word out of your mouth, every look, every cranky moment is YOUR MESS TO CLEAN UP.  No longer can we blame the world for our issues; we have tools now to resolve the painful that comes at us seemingly from every turn.

What a relief really. I mean think about it, how much time and energy did we expend trying to control the world to conform to our way of thinking? That’s a helluva lot of work ya know. For me … it is bliss. No matter what whirlwind swirls around me I can use the tools so lovingly given (steps … sheesh) to keep the focus on the things I can change. Me.

Are your coping skills still faulty? Take a look. Bite your tongue the next time you want to gossip. Stop yourself from saying “You MADE me”. Inventory what works and what doesn’t … and get rid of the junk. Replace with positive behaviors … ask your sponsor for more details. *big smile* You can make a choice every single day to pick up your tools and get busy. Choose recovery.

Ever heard the phrase, when we start using we stop growing emotionally.  So basically look at the age you first began using and that’s EMOTIONALLY where you’re starting from when you get sober/clean.  Scary eh? A bunch of teenagers trying to navigate the social world.

Except that many teenagers have learned coping skills through the natural progression of adolescence.  How to deal with the difficulties presented in their peer groups; healthy self esteem, playing nice with others, how to act with integrity, value identification, how to deal with peer pressure (I could go on for days here but I won’t.)

Kinda puts things in perspective yes?  That we are emotionally immature with little/few coping skills, trying our best to overcome a disease that’s trying to kill us.  This is a large part of our “sick”.  Ever dealt with a saucy teenager who is freaking out about pretty much … everything??? Right. Difficult is putting it mildly.  When we grow up … there is a factor of “pain” involved.  Hence the term growing pains. Get it? Got it? Good.

Remember this when dealing with the newcomer. If you ARE the newcomer … be gentle with yourself you’re still an awkward growing gangly teenager way deep down inside.  I sorta like the idea of that really – the perpetual fountain of youth from the inside out.  (0kay you know I was being sarcastic. I hope. Sheesh.)

What does emotional maturity mean? Growing up. No more foot stomping hollering “It’s not fair!”. Well you CAN do those things but it won’t get you far in a healthy recovery community.  Stepwork is vital.  In a way the steps teach us in a clear concise way what a large portion of the world learned while battling the initial onslaught of acne … and then some.

• How to focus on yourself and your own problems. As MOM would say … “Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. If everyone else jumped off a bridge would you do it to?”
• Don’t overreact. MOM-ism “Quit being so dramatic. How important is it?”
• Ask a power greater than you for help. MOM says “You don’t know everything.”
• Humility (no better or worse than anyone else). MOM: “You are NOT the center of the universe child. Everyone is NOT staring at you because you’re goofy looking. People have their own lives to worry about.”
• Apply the principles learned to ALL your affairs. MOM : “Act right because it’s simply the next *right* thing to do. Not just when someone’s watching. Be who you really are. I love you.”

Okay I just almost made myself cry with that last one. Good grief. Recovery as parental teachings with the additional benefit of non-judgment. Boy do I like the idea of that. And a kind gentle real loving recovery mom. Which is what I strive to be every single day to my daughters. This blog post was rather revealing … as it usually tends to be for this recovery chick. Just goes to show you when you give it away … you keep it.

I love… recovery.