We all get into jumbled messes… in our heads especially. Step 10 (yes I know I talk about this one ALL the time… shushit) tells me that I am to examine MY behavior. Yes – everyday. Yes – I can’t look at you anymore and blame you for my ‘stuff’. That’s all well and good to examine it… but does it CHANGE? Do you see the patterns of your behavior? Are you able to not stumble over that ego over and over and over again?

These are hard lessons to learn you know. Steps 6 and 7 talk about removing defects of character… step 10 KEEPS them cleaned up. If I continuously take inventories then I’m staying in awareness.

It sucks though. Last night I rage-typed (newest cool thing to say online apparently, put the word rage in front of everything and it sounds SO much cooler) a little ditty that will never get posted. Okay maybe I’ll post a snippet. My head was NOT in a good place. It happens.

I don’t want to be in recovery right now. I don’t want to remember what’s good about the world or my part in things or how to not have fucking resentments.  Don’t wanna take the high road. Just for once I want to bitch about other people and give in to a good bout of gossip or make everything someone else’s fault so for ONCE I don’t have to hunker down and look at shit.  Or have people tell me frivolous shit like “it gets better”… sometimes it doesn’t get better. Sometimes things suck and they’re supposed to fucking suck. It’s called life. The best we can do is just get through it. And apparently have fits. And rant and rage and then realize how stupid they sound and then shut up and go do a damn 10th step.

 

You may disagree with me… but in my experience this happens every once in a while. Recovery is some tough stuff man. The high road, the work, the always looking at your own defects. It’d be much easier to live like (some of) the rest of the world you know; to not take responsibility.

But is it really easier? To live in fear and shame and blame and and and… bleck. No. It isn’t. Living a spiritual life is the most rewarding thing there is… being able to rest easy at night with a clear conscience? Yeah. Win. So even though it’s normal to get pissed off at the world and have a big fat brat fit… Recovery makes it possible for those fits to be temporary moments of pain, instead of the ‘norm’.

So don’t beat yourself up for getting discouraged. We ALL do. Every single one of us. There are just those of us who have learned a different way. A way that works for us… a guide to addressing the situations that happen with dignity and grace and self exploration. So… there IS a solution to stinkin’ thinkin’ (oh the cliche’)… so that it can STOP and you can work through it all. And when the next big fat brat fit happens? You’ll know to let yourself have a good cry, look at your part in the whole sordid mess, forget about what the other people did, and call someone and tell them all about it.

Yeah. It’s JUST like that. Hmmm maybe I should’ve called this one “Get your head out of your ass-ism”. Ev. Anyway… love you people and thanks for keeping me sober and as always… I Love Recovery.

postscript: IT doesn’t get better… WE DO.

As you well know, looking for a job is a full time job and I’ve been submitting all over the interwebs for paid writing gigs. (I have multiple sites I write for including two of my very own domains, but most are for the by-lines and exposure and aren’t feeding the mini ninjas) I’m moving to Jersey this summer and will be working from home, so what a good opportunity to get this party started.

Enough backstory for shitsakes. Are you trying to bore these people to death?

So, feeling a bit discouraged I found some inspiration in a picture that I posted here. Some of you cats dug it and shared it and one particular young lady commented on my friend Becky’s repost. It said the following…

This is my motto for life. I was told not to run (problems with my legs, wear a brace,etc). My response? Bull pucky! I’ve now started training for a 5k. I can’t run yet, but I’m determined. . I don’t even care if I don’t make it to a 5k…I just don’t like being told I can’t. lol

A girl on Google+ named Tanya. Yeah. She wrote that. Puts me in mind of the old Indian Proverb “I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.”
Funny how a few words can change your whole perspective.

I remember a day when I was grateful for a $9 an hour job because Prince Charmingless wasn’t making child support payments (still doesn’t btw). I remember when my house was in foreclosure post divorce due to Charmingless not making house payments and changing all the account information. I remember when I was in the hospital after being drop kicked in the gut with internal bleeding. I remember having multiple surgeries to correct the damage done that night (including the surgery two weeks ago). I remember not being able to look in the mirror. I remember looking up at the world from the floor. I remember taking that job that was beneath me and swearing that I would give it everything I had because that’s who I was. I remember getting multiple promotions in a very short time and a flight down to corporate for an interview. I remember what it was like to first start writing and feeling like no one in the world would EVER read me and what it felt like to be listed in the top ten Recovery blogs last year. Remember how I struggled to build my own sites, complete with self taught HTML code, and how frustrating it was and how I thought the idea of having my very own domain was the coolest thing EVER.

I remember getting sober again after a six month relapse. I remember the shame and guilt I felt after having been sober for 15 years and pissing it all away. I remember the kindness that you people showed me and how you held me close and told me it was all going to be alright. I remember learning to live and love again.

Thank you Tanya. Thank you thank you a million times thank you. For perspective, for your sharing, for helping me to remember where I came from and who I am.

Amazing how a few words over a computer screen can change everything yes? Yes. I love you people and I Love Recovery.

Who exactly ARE these “winners” that everyone keeps talking about sticking with??? I mean really… how do you know who to talk to or whom you should run the hell away from? People can appear to be anything they choose …  at first. Appearances are deceiving and talk is a cheap 10 dollar hooker who looks great from a distance.  I’ve made the mistake several times (those who know me are nodding EMPHATICALLY right now) of being very trusting … but only to a point.  Always, always, and again I say foghorn leghorn style ALWAYS … something, on the gut level, told me to be careful. People in the 12 step world will OFTEN spout stick with the winners. Even the “losers” (opposite of winners … I would prefer “sickers” but hey … parameters) will say these golden words with a sickly silver tongue.  My take on what attributes to avoid and what ones to look for in connections with people … not only recovery but everywhere.

We will start with the obvious and move to the more abstract here people.  Ass grabbing, asshattery, know-it-all, negativity seeping through the skin tight jeans. Judgmental, holy roller, sad sack, nothing is right with the world and all it’s denizens. Shifty, sketchy, “let’s have coffee at my place cutie”, used car salesman (offense intended) greasy, gossipy bitter betty’s laughing at the new girl with thick black eyeliner (yeah that was me bitch … and I ain’t new NO mo’).  Angry, zealot, yelling, in your face spittle, with a shame chaser for not doing what “they say”.The idea of being genuine. Too much happy, too much angst, too much of TOO much. Well, it’s just too much.  No one can be one way all the time – warning wil robinson danger approaches!

NOW … having said all that garbage. I’m really okay with people being that way. It’s where they’re at and most times they don’t perceive their actions with clarity … I mean we’re always the last to know … yanno?  I, like many others, have the eyes to see with compassion and let people “be” where they are.  It wasn’t always so … when I was new I trusted and trusted and trusted and OUCH.  So let this old scarred burned hand tell you from having the experience of touching the stove one too many times … what healthy can look like.  (Paraphrased from my first sponsor back in 92)

Kind, content, non-judgmental but firm, compassionate and sincere, never hear a bad word about a person (thick eyeliner or no).  Comments from the heart whether they be angry, sad, happy, or silly.  Easy to laugh and non drama making, cross talking and ego left at the door. No need for accolades, acts of kindness unspoken, gentleness with a ninja kick added for good measure.  Closemouthedness, keepin’ the real, not afraid to say the bad of the shitty day but quick to say how to resolve it.  Genuine and wise, sage lessons given freely without expectation.  The knowing that sponsorship is NOT ownership and people make their own choices.  Content in their skin without anything needed from you, unconditional love for the still suffering, slicing through shame like a hot knife in buttah.  The first one to approach the unapproachable, hand outstretched.  Sometimes these people are disliked for not playing the game. They are okay with that.  Self esteem wins out in the end. They don’t spout the steps, they live them, word and deed… life and breath.

Most of us fall in the middle somewhere I’d imagine. Work in progress, have a bad day or ninety, tough times, blah blah blah. But the phrase “Stick with the winners.” says to me that even if my ship is sinking, I can look for the hand that is love without condition, stuck out JUST BECAUSE they’ve been there too.  I see people bitchin’ all the time about sick people at meetings … you will find what you seek everytime. Focus on sick … that’s what you’ll get. Look for the bright… boomerang baby there’s the light.   What you focus on becomes reality… truly.  So eyes open and use this page for reference if need be. Checklist available upon request.  Trust your gut, deep way down. That’s where the real is … it will spot kindred spirits every time.   Next time we’ll discuss saying “Hi. My name is…”

I came across this quote tonight and it hit me like a brick house. Sometimes we get SO busy trying to do the ‘right’ things and have all the ‘answers’ that we forget. We forget to LIVE amidst all this “doing”. I do it all the time, to the point of paranoia.

Am I acting in a healthful way? What step am I on today? Am I being the best person I can? What are my defects? Where can I improve? How should I have handled this or that or the other? What’s next on the to-do list? And on and on and on and… good gawd it makes me tired just to type this malarky. Vigilance is super important in recovery, where it means life or death to us if we ‘slip’ (don’t like that word. not even a little.); yet there comes a time when the pendulum could swing too far the other way. I’d venture to guess that a large portion of the population doesn’t examine their behavior at all. Weird thought isn’t it, when we spend SO much time focusing on how to get and stay healthy?

When I was a treatment counselor I’d bust patients all the time for “futurizing” and “projecting”. Just because it has a “recovery slant” to it, in my case, doesn’t mean it’s healthful. A defect by any other name still sucks. It’s okay to not have an answer, to not always KNOW the next step.

I can’t remember a day where I just sang because I have a song. Can you? What is your song? This is mine…

My head is a liar.

Yeah yeah we know. All our heads lie to us. True. But as the Big Book says we ‘learn to differentiate the true from the false’. How? Well by step work of course. Doing daily inventories and all that razamatazz (see your sponsor for further reference i’m sure he/she will have TONS to say about this).

Problem, for me anyway, is that the longer I’m sober the more complex the lies become. Flavored with just enough of the truth to be believable, the twists and turns of the magical magnifying glass that is my sick thinking takes me through Dante’s nine circles of hell. Just enough truth for me to buy it on some level, a nagging voice deep down inside with the label of “DOUBT”. This ‘sick’ even uses my own recovery against me, quite frequently if I really examine it. Subtle messages of fail that create chaos with a healthful tangy aftertaste.

Examples? Sure why not. I’m always one for sharing my ridiculousness… no shame is the name of my game.

“These people don’t want to read what you have to say about recovery. You sound like a broken record. Can’t you think of anything new or exciting or worth a shit? Maybe you’ve used up all your words. It happens you know. I mean it’s not so bad to be a failure. You always say you have to fail to grow right? So you’re growing out of this whole thing. Just give up. Surrender to win yes? Yes. You deserve a break. Where’s your stepwork now smarty pants?”

So… as I’m sure I’ve said a hundred thousand times before here and other places, I challenge it. I have to. It will swallow me whole if I let it in even a little bit. I literally write… it… out. Recovery style.

“Well if recovery is only about the response I get then it’s not really giving it away now is it? We do the things we do in recovery because they are simply what we have to do to stay sober. This isn’t a popularity contest or how many people read or even if I even LIKE what I’m writing.

This is one of the ways I do the 12th step. Giving it away no matter what… for no money… no recompense and no acclaim. My name isn’t even here so it’s not about ego. It’s about connection and sharing who I am and what I’ve been taught about recovery so I don’t pick up that first drink. Because, as you well know, to drink is to die for people like me.

So I’ll share this stuff as many times as I have to, because I have a quick forgetter. And I’ll write on I Love Recovery as long as they’ll let me because being a writer is WHO I AM. Not for pay or for accolades but because it’s a big part of my recovery. Just because I might not like something I write doesn’t mean it isn’t worthy.

Since when am I the best judge of character when it comes to myself? I still don’t see things clearly but somehow when I write them out… it matters. To me. And frankly if no one else gets it that’s entirely okay… I get it.

When I live in fear of opinions, I’m in sick thinking. When I project outcomes, again sick. And sure failing is a part of life and we learn from such things… but it doesn’t mean we don’t pick ourselves up and keep going. This is called courage. I have it. I am more than I believe myself to be.”

and if I’m being VERY technical… I write out my 10th step in the 4th step format.

Who do I resent?  ME.

Why? For not being enough. For caring too much about other’s opinions. For being afraid.

What does it affect? Security, Self Esteem, Personal Relationships, Pride, Pocketbook (financial)

How am I being 

Selfish? I expect myself to live to some imaginary standard of right/wrong good/bad without even knowing what to measure.

Dishonest? Acting as if it doesn’t matter.

Self Seeking? Negate accomplishments. Downplay good things that happen.

Afraid?  That the other shoe will drop and I will fail miserably.

This may seem like a lot of work. It’s not really. It’s my process. It is EXACTLY what the book tells me to do. And if I’ve learned nothing else since 1992 when I first graced the rooms of AA with my malarky… it’s that the Big Book is our guide for living. It allows me to differentiate the true from the false, to see myself and the world around me with bright shining eyes instead of the haze of the sickness that has clouded my vision for so long.  My worst enemy is me… how do I get over it? My daily inventory.

So. We get sober/clean.  We go to meetings, get a sponsor, do stepwork … all the necessaries.  What now? How in the sam hell do I have FUN and not use?  All my receptor sites, gut level instincts, behaviors, and attitudes have focused on using for so long that fun seems to be a distant memory.  I used to see people laughing easily, totally comfortable with who they are, doing cheezy things like bowling or dancing; and think “How are they doing that?”.  I mean really.  NOT being messed up and doing really silly things with no inhibitions? They’ve got to be lying about their clean time. I mean OMG.

Then I got involved with young people’s conferences, Founders Day (being from Akron), sober dances, dry clubs, parties and on and on… and so on and so forth.  There is never a dull moment if you choose it that way. Within your vicinity right now, there are plans a brewin’. For clean dances, card parties, bonfires, conferences to liven up the deepest of the winter blahs. The secret here is INVOLVEMENT. Being part of a 12 step fellowship, means just that. Fellowshipping. Camaraderie in the form of shared pain and loss mystically transformed into laughing kinship and love.  In my meetings we say,

But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 132

It may seem hopeless.  We can’t go from rippin it up from dusk til dawn to sitting at home and knitting a flippin’ doily on a Saturday night. Get into it! Jump in the middle of the fellowship and see what happens. I know it’s scary sometimes. Trust me … getting sober as a young person was freaky.  I thought “I’ll never have fun again.” Man was I wrong.  If you’re bored in recovery then you need to open your eyes to whats out there. Camp outs and bar-b-ques and people playing their music stuff; skinny dipping sober (shhh about that one, that’s really between me and my sponsor), the satisfaction of laughing so hard after an all night sober party that my stomach is sore for days after. YES!!! It can SOO be like that.  Plan to hit an NA convention (from what I hear they’re EVERYWHERE),  go to Founder’s Day in June,  or international AA convention in Texas this summer, copy and paste this link into your browser and DO SOMETHING for sober’s sakes.

http://www.anonymousone.com/activities.htm

Love and laughter and joy and peace. You’ll find it here. So what if you’re afraid? We ALL were. Remember that everyone you meet in the rooms was new at one time. WE GET IT. So when we reach our hand out to you … know that it’s done by one who “gets” you. In a way no one else can know.

Kick your heels up. There’s a time for tears and doin’ the work but also a time to shake your groove thing, laugh your ass off, be silly and playful and sing bad karoake songs. We’ll laugh with you until our tummies ache. You’re not alone anymore and remember Rule 62 from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 149,

“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

as soon as you saw plumber... you KNOW you were picturing this. don't lie.

I heard once at a meeting.  “I have eighteen inches from my heart to my head and right now it’s clogged with bullshit.” That was in the mid 90′s and I’ve never forgotten it.  Clogged with fear, desperation, self pity, anger, selfishness, and on and on and … on. (emphasis placed here if you didn’t catch it. the written word can be so tricky…  *eye roll*) The level of the proverbial clog varies and is contingent on my spiritual condition.  Draino works for clogs but might be toxic, so I’ll have to settle for the kind of clean that only comes from doing the recovery show.

I wrote it all out.  The whole sordid “affair”. Yes I meant exactly what I wrote here.  Also known as a fourth step and/or tenth step. Yep. This stuff works yo. Sooooo… I made some poor decisions. I am not an idiot. Well… at least not in this instance in many others I’m sure I qualify.  It is extraordinarily hard to stick; think Mary Lou Retton and the 1984 vault landing. Stand until you can’t, legs quivering, arms in the air, million dollar smile gleaming; don’t move an inch dammit. STICK even if the times get tough, EVEN if the times get TOUGH.  Tall and proud and all about it, even if your triple flip only went twice.  Even if your run wasn’t what you wanted … STICK the ending.   I did that. Proud of me.  Nothin’ but net for the ninja.

Other issues clogging the drainpipe… kids, work, money, court, ex-jackass-husbands, sex or lack thereof, etc etc etc … blah blah BLAH. So what. Every condition is temporary really. Think back to what you were worried about a year ago, month ago, hell even yesterday. How important is it to your life today really??? I mean REALLY really.  Pain as motivator, as measuring stick for growth. THAT is what matters.

So … I write, I talk, I cry, I throw pencil sharpeners that are clogged with eyeliner, I stay up late and eat ice cream. I do step work and talk to the one who gets me. It is enough. I am growth.  Who says sad is bad? I read somewhere once (in a big blue book… go figure) that before working the steps “we cannot differentiate the true from the false.”  Today I am able to tell the HUGE difference betwixt the two.  True feelings are to be honored and cherished and felt. False evidence appearing real is a bitch that deserves to be kicked out the door.

Used a drain cleaner called truth. Clean as a whistle baby.  Thanks Roto-Rooter … you know who you are.

Yeah. That voice. Those songs. That girl. The girl I grew up listening to, the one that bookmarked first kisses and high school dances and sleepovers and and and… yeah. Beautiful voice and face and could’ve had a beautiful life.

Addiction said this wouldn’t be so.

A once sweet career ended too quickly with a marriage gone sour and a fall from grace. Suspicion of drug use confirmed on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2009. I’ll let you read the Huffington Post article yourself and see what you think.

 Whitney Houston took drugs, including cocaine and marijuana, with ex-husband Bobby Brown, who was emotionally abusive during their marriage and at one point spit on her, the singer said during an interview that aired Monday on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

“I had so much money and so much access to what I wanted,” Houston told Winfrey. “I didn’t think about the singing part anymore. I was looking for my young womanhood.”

After a long absence from music, Houston is staging a career comeback with a new album “I Look to You” released last month and a two-part appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Houston is one of the best-selling artists of all time, but her career stalled as she grappled with drug problems and a troubled marriage to Brown.

The couple married in 1992 and were divorced in 2007. During their marriage, Brown was arrested on drug and alcohol charges, and Houston twice entered drug rehabilitation programs. She has custody of their teenage daughter.

 

One doesn’t qualify for drug treatment by mistake. And of course physical abuse is never to be discounted (being a survivor of DV my damn self).  But denial and addiction go hand in hand in hand to mouth to overdose to death.

No one knows yet as to the cause of death. But once an addict always an addict. WE… know this.

All the money in the world can’t keep you clean. Nor can all the talent. Addiction kills. Whether directly or indirectly. Rest in Peace Whitney.

“The biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy.” Whitney Houston

Upon mentioning to my lil’ ole bloggity blog here to some folks, I’m always asked “Do you really loooooove recovery?”  *snicker*  Of course this gives folks a reason to tease me; always epic fun. However it brings up a good point. Do I really love recovery and what the hell does that mean anyhow?

Look at the idea of  love relationships for a moment.  Is it really all sunshine and roses, candy coated goodnight kisses, lollipops and rainbows? Umm. No. Anyone who has survived a broken heart can spew for weeks on this topic. Love can be painful and bittersweet, succulent and obsessive, miserable and joyous; all sorts of mixed up -  mashed -  fly by night – kick ass emotions wrapped with heartstrings and leather studded blindfolds.

The opposite of love isn’t hate you know … it’s apathy, aka: not giving a hoot or holler.  Love and hate are the flip of the same coin called emotion.  So possibly it would be safe to call this website … I Emote Recovery. (Not to be confused with I Emo Recovery where they all wear black eyeliner and write tragic love sonnets to the sobriety gods).

Twisting and turning, ever entwining intricacies of recovery life … hell let’s just call it life cause that’s what it really is anyhow right? We’re just labeling it recovery because we forgot or didn’t learn all the life skills that normal children have gained by age 12.  Using became the only way to stop the life circus and get rid of the scary clowns.  Problem is, the clowns were hiding under the damn bed the whole time. Now that we put down the bottle/pipe/needle/prostitute/poker chip/razor blade, we’re newborn babes mewling helplessly cause we can’t change our own diaper.

The notion that love sometimes hurts – and hurt can bring growth – and growth can sow love, is one idea that I can live with today.  Circular thinking or interconnectedness or hell I don’t know – just feeling alive is love to me these days. I could quote a Nazareth song right now … but I won’t. Let’s just suffice to say that I do indeed love recovery; in an emo inspired, tragic comedy, black eyeliner kinda way.

To love is to be real. And in that sense – yes I very much love… recovery.

We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?