We all get into jumbled messes… in our heads especially. Step 10 (yes I know I talk about this one ALL the time… shushit) tells me that I am to examine MY behavior. Yes – everyday. Yes – I can’t look at you anymore and blame you for my ‘stuff’. That’s all well and good to examine it… but does it CHANGE? Do you see the patterns of your behavior? Are you able to not stumble over that ego over and over and over again?

These are hard lessons to learn you know. Steps 6 and 7 talk about removing defects of character… step 10 KEEPS them cleaned up. If I continuously take inventories then I’m staying in awareness.

It sucks though. Last night I rage-typed (newest cool thing to say online apparently, put the word rage in front of everything and it sounds SO much cooler) a little ditty that will never get posted. Okay maybe I’ll post a snippet. My head was NOT in a good place. It happens.

I don’t want to be in recovery right now. I don’t want to remember what’s good about the world or my part in things or how to not have fucking resentments.  Don’t wanna take the high road. Just for once I want to bitch about other people and give in to a good bout of gossip or make everything someone else’s fault so for ONCE I don’t have to hunker down and look at shit.  Or have people tell me frivolous shit like “it gets better”… sometimes it doesn’t get better. Sometimes things suck and they’re supposed to fucking suck. It’s called life. The best we can do is just get through it. And apparently have fits. And rant and rage and then realize how stupid they sound and then shut up and go do a damn 10th step.

 

You may disagree with me… but in my experience this happens every once in a while. Recovery is some tough stuff man. The high road, the work, the always looking at your own defects. It’d be much easier to live like (some of) the rest of the world you know; to not take responsibility.

But is it really easier? To live in fear and shame and blame and and and… bleck. No. It isn’t. Living a spiritual life is the most rewarding thing there is… being able to rest easy at night with a clear conscience? Yeah. Win. So even though it’s normal to get pissed off at the world and have a big fat brat fit… Recovery makes it possible for those fits to be temporary moments of pain, instead of the ‘norm’.

So don’t beat yourself up for getting discouraged. We ALL do. Every single one of us. There are just those of us who have learned a different way. A way that works for us… a guide to addressing the situations that happen with dignity and grace and self exploration. So… there IS a solution to stinkin’ thinkin’ (oh the cliche’)… so that it can STOP and you can work through it all. And when the next big fat brat fit happens? You’ll know to let yourself have a good cry, look at your part in the whole sordid mess, forget about what the other people did, and call someone and tell them all about it.

Yeah. It’s JUST like that. Hmmm maybe I should’ve called this one “Get your head out of your ass-ism”. Ev. Anyway… love you people and thanks for keeping me sober and as always… I Love Recovery.

postscript: IT doesn’t get better… WE DO.

Are you cynical? Do you scoff at pollyana pigtails with her happy go lucky sappy overly positive crap that she pushes at everyone? Stay happy! Smile it gets better! YOU ARE A MIRACLE! I’m sooooooooo happy! I LOVE RECOVERY!!! (hey wait a minute I say that. shushit.)

Well. ahem. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to be that… to be sober.

Hey you know those pink clouds are great and I love when they float around and pick me up and everything seems wooooooonderful and I’m having a perfect hair day and no one is relapsing and my sponsor gave me an atta girl…

yeah. Then I wake up and say to myself “holy crap… that was scary.”

See as a recovering person I’ve learned that neither extreme is very healthful for me. Way way WAY up or pessimistic stick in the mud-ism. The longer I’m sober the more balance I receive and clarity and insight. Ever hear “The longer I’m around the sicker I realize I am?” It’s like that. There is only a certain amount of truth we can swallow about ourselves at one time.

More will be revealed. You bet your sweet bippy it will/is. Hence the need for constant stepwork and why the steps were delineated the way they were. They are a fluid plan for living that changes with you each passing day… steps 10, 11, and 12 baby. Oh yes. Continuous work through it all… good, bad, indifferent… whatever the day may bring.

THAT… is our constant. Our no-matter-what-ism. The work of recovery is to not so much REACT to what happens around us, but to ACT with purpose and clarity. Clarity gained through behaviors learned from the 12 steps.

Constant. Yeah. And perky folks have their place. Just not all up in my face. Know-what-I-mean? So do the smarmy or sarcastic, bitter or sad, or whatever it is that you’re feeling at the time. Recovery allows you to be EXACTLY where you’re at… until you’re not. Patience and tolerance is our code right? Right. Maybe my home group should switch to decaf for those folks. For the love of all that’s decent… I don’t need to be all up in your grill to love ya. Snarky is okay too. True story.

As you well know, looking for a job is a full time job and I’ve been submitting all over the interwebs for paid writing gigs. (I have multiple sites I write for including two of my very own domains, but most are for the by-lines and exposure and aren’t feeding the mini ninjas) I’m moving to Jersey this summer and will be working from home, so what a good opportunity to get this party started.

Enough backstory for shitsakes. Are you trying to bore these people to death?

So, feeling a bit discouraged I found some inspiration in a picture that I posted here. Some of you cats dug it and shared it and one particular young lady commented on my friend Becky’s repost. It said the following…

This is my motto for life. I was told not to run (problems with my legs, wear a brace,etc). My response? Bull pucky! I’ve now started training for a 5k. I can’t run yet, but I’m determined. . I don’t even care if I don’t make it to a 5k…I just don’t like being told I can’t. lol

A girl on Google+ named Tanya. Yeah. She wrote that. Puts me in mind of the old Indian Proverb “I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.”
Funny how a few words can change your whole perspective.

I remember a day when I was grateful for a $9 an hour job because Prince Charmingless wasn’t making child support payments (still doesn’t btw). I remember when my house was in foreclosure post divorce due to Charmingless not making house payments and changing all the account information. I remember when I was in the hospital after being drop kicked in the gut with internal bleeding. I remember having multiple surgeries to correct the damage done that night (including the surgery two weeks ago). I remember not being able to look in the mirror. I remember looking up at the world from the floor. I remember taking that job that was beneath me and swearing that I would give it everything I had because that’s who I was. I remember getting multiple promotions in a very short time and a flight down to corporate for an interview. I remember what it was like to first start writing and feeling like no one in the world would EVER read me and what it felt like to be listed in the top ten Recovery blogs last year. Remember how I struggled to build my own sites, complete with self taught HTML code, and how frustrating it was and how I thought the idea of having my very own domain was the coolest thing EVER.

I remember getting sober again after a six month relapse. I remember the shame and guilt I felt after having been sober for 15 years and pissing it all away. I remember the kindness that you people showed me and how you held me close and told me it was all going to be alright. I remember learning to live and love again.

Thank you Tanya. Thank you thank you a million times thank you. For perspective, for your sharing, for helping me to remember where I came from and who I am.

Amazing how a few words over a computer screen can change everything yes? Yes. I love you people and I Love Recovery.

I came across this quote tonight and it hit me like a brick house. Sometimes we get SO busy trying to do the ‘right’ things and have all the ‘answers’ that we forget. We forget to LIVE amidst all this “doing”. I do it all the time, to the point of paranoia.

Am I acting in a healthful way? What step am I on today? Am I being the best person I can? What are my defects? Where can I improve? How should I have handled this or that or the other? What’s next on the to-do list? And on and on and on and… good gawd it makes me tired just to type this malarky. Vigilance is super important in recovery, where it means life or death to us if we ‘slip’ (don’t like that word. not even a little.); yet there comes a time when the pendulum could swing too far the other way. I’d venture to guess that a large portion of the population doesn’t examine their behavior at all. Weird thought isn’t it, when we spend SO much time focusing on how to get and stay healthy?

When I was a treatment counselor I’d bust patients all the time for “futurizing” and “projecting”. Just because it has a “recovery slant” to it, in my case, doesn’t mean it’s healthful. A defect by any other name still sucks. It’s okay to not have an answer, to not always KNOW the next step.

I can’t remember a day where I just sang because I have a song. Can you? What is your song? This is mine…

My head is a liar.

Yeah yeah we know. All our heads lie to us. True. But as the Big Book says we ‘learn to differentiate the true from the false’. How? Well by step work of course. Doing daily inventories and all that razamatazz (see your sponsor for further reference i’m sure he/she will have TONS to say about this).

Problem, for me anyway, is that the longer I’m sober the more complex the lies become. Flavored with just enough of the truth to be believable, the twists and turns of the magical magnifying glass that is my sick thinking takes me through Dante’s nine circles of hell. Just enough truth for me to buy it on some level, a nagging voice deep down inside with the label of “DOUBT”. This ‘sick’ even uses my own recovery against me, quite frequently if I really examine it. Subtle messages of fail that create chaos with a healthful tangy aftertaste.

Examples? Sure why not. I’m always one for sharing my ridiculousness… no shame is the name of my game.

“These people don’t want to read what you have to say about recovery. You sound like a broken record. Can’t you think of anything new or exciting or worth a shit? Maybe you’ve used up all your words. It happens you know. I mean it’s not so bad to be a failure. You always say you have to fail to grow right? So you’re growing out of this whole thing. Just give up. Surrender to win yes? Yes. You deserve a break. Where’s your stepwork now smarty pants?”

So… as I’m sure I’ve said a hundred thousand times before here and other places, I challenge it. I have to. It will swallow me whole if I let it in even a little bit. I literally write… it… out. Recovery style.

“Well if recovery is only about the response I get then it’s not really giving it away now is it? We do the things we do in recovery because they are simply what we have to do to stay sober. This isn’t a popularity contest or how many people read or even if I even LIKE what I’m writing.

This is one of the ways I do the 12th step. Giving it away no matter what… for no money… no recompense and no acclaim. My name isn’t even here so it’s not about ego. It’s about connection and sharing who I am and what I’ve been taught about recovery so I don’t pick up that first drink. Because, as you well know, to drink is to die for people like me.

So I’ll share this stuff as many times as I have to, because I have a quick forgetter. And I’ll write on I Love Recovery as long as they’ll let me because being a writer is WHO I AM. Not for pay or for accolades but because it’s a big part of my recovery. Just because I might not like something I write doesn’t mean it isn’t worthy.

Since when am I the best judge of character when it comes to myself? I still don’t see things clearly but somehow when I write them out… it matters. To me. And frankly if no one else gets it that’s entirely okay… I get it.

When I live in fear of opinions, I’m in sick thinking. When I project outcomes, again sick. And sure failing is a part of life and we learn from such things… but it doesn’t mean we don’t pick ourselves up and keep going. This is called courage. I have it. I am more than I believe myself to be.”

and if I’m being VERY technical… I write out my 10th step in the 4th step format.

Who do I resent?  ME.

Why? For not being enough. For caring too much about other’s opinions. For being afraid.

What does it affect? Security, Self Esteem, Personal Relationships, Pride, Pocketbook (financial)

How am I being 

Selfish? I expect myself to live to some imaginary standard of right/wrong good/bad without even knowing what to measure.

Dishonest? Acting as if it doesn’t matter.

Self Seeking? Negate accomplishments. Downplay good things that happen.

Afraid?  That the other shoe will drop and I will fail miserably.

This may seem like a lot of work. It’s not really. It’s my process. It is EXACTLY what the book tells me to do. And if I’ve learned nothing else since 1992 when I first graced the rooms of AA with my malarky… it’s that the Big Book is our guide for living. It allows me to differentiate the true from the false, to see myself and the world around me with bright shining eyes instead of the haze of the sickness that has clouded my vision for so long.  My worst enemy is me… how do I get over it? My daily inventory.

It is … what it is.

Twisting and turning like the python in Pandora’s Box, life has a way of just “happening”.  It can happen TO us or we can be an active member of this late night R rated game show.  Put the kids to bed Ma … “life’s” on again.  Flip the channel to the dating game (omg), back to Days of our Jackasses soap style, DVR the news to watch when it’s okay to cry.  Common denominator is who is holding the remote.

Anything can be used for the HGH (human growth hormone I’ll save you the google). Yes even the Telenovelas give us sex tips on how to shake the inner latin mambo saying not a word.  I’m a judger. I admit it.  Work hard to cntrl alt del the words good and bad from the inner Webster’s unabridged.  Experience is just that – no moniker of god/devil unless I choose it to be.  What is the right and wrong of it all really except past experiences bitch slapping me from behind the blonde?  (Oh yes this is another “perspective blog” … get down with it. it’s important)

How I choose to use the information dissemination that is my soul is entirely up to me.  “Without having experienced the deepest black of the night, how can you fully appreciate the beauty that is the sunrise?” ~ quote by Amy Gabriel *grin* paraphrased from 1992.  Even at 19 and new to the recovery game, I knew. Remembered rather.  Know those lessons that only little itty bitty babies have down?  You know.  Be nice, play fair, blah blah blah … THAT is what I strive to remember when life is a shit throwing monkey.

All in all it’s how I CHOOSE to see things.  Glass as half full, half empty, or just simply … there is a glass.  I love the glass.  *pets the glass* In the words of the great P Diddy “Can’t nobody hold me down” unless I buy it on some level. Introspection, with assistance of course, is vital in this channel changing digital world.  The how and why of it all … NOT to put on the zealot judge smock but look with an impartial eye and see how I can BE my highest thought today.  Always … in all ways.  Cookie cutter theology not allowed thank you.  Flow through the inner tv tube to bring the highest quality programming … forget the hijacked “free” cable.  Wonder what’s on PBS today?

Yeah. That voice. Those songs. That girl. The girl I grew up listening to, the one that bookmarked first kisses and high school dances and sleepovers and and and… yeah. Beautiful voice and face and could’ve had a beautiful life.

Addiction said this wouldn’t be so.

A once sweet career ended too quickly with a marriage gone sour and a fall from grace. Suspicion of drug use confirmed on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2009. I’ll let you read the Huffington Post article yourself and see what you think.

 Whitney Houston took drugs, including cocaine and marijuana, with ex-husband Bobby Brown, who was emotionally abusive during their marriage and at one point spit on her, the singer said during an interview that aired Monday on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

“I had so much money and so much access to what I wanted,” Houston told Winfrey. “I didn’t think about the singing part anymore. I was looking for my young womanhood.”

After a long absence from music, Houston is staging a career comeback with a new album “I Look to You” released last month and a two-part appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Houston is one of the best-selling artists of all time, but her career stalled as she grappled with drug problems and a troubled marriage to Brown.

The couple married in 1992 and were divorced in 2007. During their marriage, Brown was arrested on drug and alcohol charges, and Houston twice entered drug rehabilitation programs. She has custody of their teenage daughter.

 

One doesn’t qualify for drug treatment by mistake. And of course physical abuse is never to be discounted (being a survivor of DV my damn self).  But denial and addiction go hand in hand in hand to mouth to overdose to death.

No one knows yet as to the cause of death. But once an addict always an addict. WE… know this.

All the money in the world can’t keep you clean. Nor can all the talent. Addiction kills. Whether directly or indirectly. Rest in Peace Whitney.

“The biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy.” Whitney Houston

Upon mentioning to my lil’ ole bloggity blog here to some folks, I’m always asked “Do you really loooooove recovery?”  *snicker*  Of course this gives folks a reason to tease me; always epic fun. However it brings up a good point. Do I really love recovery and what the hell does that mean anyhow?

Look at the idea of  love relationships for a moment.  Is it really all sunshine and roses, candy coated goodnight kisses, lollipops and rainbows? Umm. No. Anyone who has survived a broken heart can spew for weeks on this topic. Love can be painful and bittersweet, succulent and obsessive, miserable and joyous; all sorts of mixed up -  mashed -  fly by night – kick ass emotions wrapped with heartstrings and leather studded blindfolds.

The opposite of love isn’t hate you know … it’s apathy, aka: not giving a hoot or holler.  Love and hate are the flip of the same coin called emotion.  So possibly it would be safe to call this website … I Emote Recovery. (Not to be confused with I Emo Recovery where they all wear black eyeliner and write tragic love sonnets to the sobriety gods).

Twisting and turning, ever entwining intricacies of recovery life … hell let’s just call it life cause that’s what it really is anyhow right? We’re just labeling it recovery because we forgot or didn’t learn all the life skills that normal children have gained by age 12.  Using became the only way to stop the life circus and get rid of the scary clowns.  Problem is, the clowns were hiding under the damn bed the whole time. Now that we put down the bottle/pipe/needle/prostitute/poker chip/razor blade, we’re newborn babes mewling helplessly cause we can’t change our own diaper.

The notion that love sometimes hurts – and hurt can bring growth – and growth can sow love, is one idea that I can live with today.  Circular thinking or interconnectedness or hell I don’t know – just feeling alive is love to me these days. I could quote a Nazareth song right now … but I won’t. Let’s just suffice to say that I do indeed love recovery; in an emo inspired, tragic comedy, black eyeliner kinda way.

To love is to be real. And in that sense – yes I very much love… recovery.

Ever play that game as a kid? You know the one where you list the things you’re taking from the alphabet and have to remember them all? Yeah. I’m playing that game right now in my head. Except it’s not a game. I’m sorting through the idea (which made me quite nervous actually) that for the FIRST time in a VERY long time… I’m going out into the world.

Not only out into the world but more importantly to New York City to hang with some amazing people. None of which, to my knowledge, are in recovery. And they’re going to party like only cool kids can. And I’m honestly okay with that. Except for one little thing…

I thought… Am I even going to fit in with these people? I mean sure I write and they seem to like it well enough… but I don’t drink. Not only do I not drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic. For me to pick up again is tantamount to going back to that insanity from which I came. And no I have no desire to pick up. I’ve inventoried my inventories and am in a good spot.Wanna know why?

Cause’ I told on myself. I told my sponser and my boyfriend (who’s amazingly supportive and wonderful btw) that I was nervous. Not about the drinking but that I maybe wouldn’t be “as cool” or “fit in”. I told them that I wondered if people would think me “odd” for not drinking.

Sounded silly as soon as I said it out loud. Only a self centered drunk would think that way. As if anyone else will give a rat’s ass what I do or when. Silly yes? Yes.

But honestly I’m GLAD my head thinks that way. I’m GLAD that recovery is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m GLAD that I know myself well enough to tell on that stupidity to show it for what it really is… my sick thinking. My “not good enough”-ism.  My fear. Oh man was my 10th step a big one tonight.  An example? Sure. Why not. The more I tell on myself the better off I am. Ego is an illusion. 

What am I afraid of? People thinking I’m odd because I don’t party.

Where am I selfish dishonest self seeking and afraid?

• Selfish: I want all these people to think and act MY way (to think I’m cool omg I can’t believe I’m even typing this out loud. ffs.)
• Dishonest: I hadn’t told anyone (until today) 
• Self Seeking: Acted as if I wasn’t nervous.
• Afraid: of other people’s opinions. 

So I remind myself (as others have reminded me as well) I am a confident woman in recovery who can hang with the best of them. I also have loving people in my life who don’t think I’m an idiot … even if I think what I say sounds stupid. And… I told on my head which in turn took care of any nagging sick snippets of fail in my noggin. NOW… I’m all packed. Physically and mentally.

Always always ALWAYS… TELL ON YOURSELF. No matter if it sounds stupid or not. Then, if you’re anything like me, you can laugh at yourself a little and let yourself be happy that you have somewhere to go … that’s fun and uber cool. NYC here I come

I’m going on a trip and I’m taking my:

(Happy) Ass.

Big Book.

Comfort zone.

Directions to a meeting in the Big Apple …

yeah. I think you get the idea.

I love you people… thanks for listening to all the silliness I put out here every week. My world is an infinitely more beautiful space because of you and oh yeah I almost forgot…  I LOVE RECOVERY. 

We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?