Ever play that game as a kid? You know the one where you list the things you’re taking from the alphabet and have to remember them all? Yeah. I’m playing that game right now in my head. Except it’s not a game. I’m sorting through the idea (which made me quite nervous actually) that for the FIRST time in a VERY long time… I’m going out into the world.

Not only out into the world but more importantly to New York City to hang with some amazing people. None of which, to my knowledge, are in recovery. And they’re going to party like only cool kids can. And I’m honestly okay with that. Except for one little thing…

I thought… Am I even going to fit in with these people? I mean sure I write and they seem to like it well enough… but I don’t drink. Not only do I not drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic. For me to pick up again is tantamount to going back to that insanity from which I came. And no I have no desire to pick up. I’ve inventoried my inventories and am in a good spot.Wanna know why?

Cause’ I told on myself. I told my sponser and my boyfriend (who’s amazingly supportive and wonderful btw) that I was nervous. Not about the drinking but that I maybe wouldn’t be “as cool” or “fit in”. I told them that I wondered if people would think me “odd” for not drinking.

Sounded silly as soon as I said it out loud. Only a self centered drunk would think that way. As if anyone else will give a rat’s ass what I do or when. Silly yes? Yes.

But honestly I’m GLAD my head thinks that way. I’m GLAD that recovery is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m GLAD that I know myself well enough to tell on that stupidity to show it for what it really is… my sick thinking. My “not good enough”-ism.  My fear. Oh man was my 10th step a big one tonight.  An example? Sure. Why not. The more I tell on myself the better off I am. Ego is an illusion. 

What am I afraid of? People thinking I’m odd because I don’t party.

Where am I selfish dishonest self seeking and afraid?

• Selfish: I want all these people to think and act MY way (to think I’m cool omg I can’t believe I’m even typing this out loud. ffs.)
• Dishonest: I hadn’t told anyone (until today) 
• Self Seeking: Acted as if I wasn’t nervous.
• Afraid: of other people’s opinions. 

So I remind myself (as others have reminded me as well) I am a confident woman in recovery who can hang with the best of them. I also have loving people in my life who don’t think I’m an idiot … even if I think what I say sounds stupid. And… I told on my head which in turn took care of any nagging sick snippets of fail in my noggin. NOW… I’m all packed. Physically and mentally.

Always always ALWAYS… TELL ON YOURSELF. No matter if it sounds stupid or not. Then, if you’re anything like me, you can laugh at yourself a little and let yourself be happy that you have somewhere to go … that’s fun and uber cool. NYC here I come

I’m going on a trip and I’m taking my:

(Happy) Ass.

Big Book.

Comfort zone.

Directions to a meeting in the Big Apple …

yeah. I think you get the idea.

I love you people… thanks for listening to all the silliness I put out here every week. My world is an infinitely more beautiful space because of you and oh yeah I almost forgot…  I LOVE RECOVERY. 

We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?

If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

It’s so easy.

So easy to get in that negative mind set when it “seems” as if everyone in the world is doing it. It being the backbiting, judgmental shuffle. The negative nelly wrapped in caustic crass. Seems like the world loves to kick someone when they’re down… as if it makes us feel “better” somehow to point out the obvious pain in the life of another.

“Did you see her (fill in the blank)?”

“He’s SOOO having problems at home… did you hear what his wife did with the poolboy? Well let me tell you (fill in the blank) and then (fill in the blank) and then the doctor said she gave it to (fill in the blank)?”

“Who does she think she is showing that (blankity blank) and (blank blanky blank) to everyone in town.”

When did life become rubbernecking at pain? Speaking of someone, with good intent, to see how you can help them is one thing… but to reiterate sometimes private painful things just to make YOUR life seem less shitty = fail.

We all do it. Have done it. Will probably do it… again. Especially when someone has wronged us or we “think” they’re not doing something as they should. In recovery we learn that what other people do is none of our business; and to keep the focus on our OWN recovery.  Hit any meeting and you’ll see the sick “double speak”. You know what I mean…

“He’s not doing it right.”

“That’s not in the big book”

“He’s a 13th stepper”

“She’s not working a program”

Ugh. We must be mindful of taking other people’s inventories. In other words, if it doesn’t directly concern your recovery then keep your damn mouth shut. If you have a question that is viable, with healthful intentions… ask your sponsor. Is this correct? or I heard this and wanted to check it out with you. Names not need be… named all the time. Is it important that Suzy Sober is sleeping around? Perhaps your question could be “I’ve seen someone gettin’ their groove thing on and it seems like she’s suffering consequences. How can I best be helpful to her?”  See the diff?

Intentions. Yes the proverbial road to hell is paved with them… yadda yadda. But think about yours. Or rather what are your motives? Everyday… all the time. In every situation. This takes discipline, practice, and step work (mainly the inventory steps)

First and foremost in my mind as a recovering woman is (usually)… How can I be of service?

Today… I didn’t think that way. I indulged in rubbernecking for a brief moment; instead of walking away from the negativity I just stood and nodded and listened. And I feel dirty. I have the wisdom to know the difference and I do NOT like what being “gossipy” feels like. It’s progress however. Because it’s no longer natural for me to participate in such things. It feels like a disservice to myself as well as the person being talked about.

Fortunately I have a program of recovery that teaches me how to clean my stuff right up… so says my 10th step anyway. And tomorrow I’m going to make an amends. NOT by going and telling the person what was said (that would hurt them just to make myself feel better. big no-no.) But by telling the Nasty Nellies that I was wrong to listen… and then NOT be involved again.

Sometimes the best amends we can make is to not repeat the behavior… and simply walk away. Sober style. Man… I love recovery.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

As it tells us in our literature (you know the Big blue Book… at least for this drunk it’s my textbook), namely the Doctor’s opinion, we “cannot differentiate the true from the false”.

huh?

okay I’ll let Dr. Silkworth explain this since he did such a fabulous job doing so.  Linkage:  . http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_doctoropinion.cfm

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

Oh. So what he’s saying is that there comes a point where we lose the ability to see and realize the truth about our drinking and ourselves. Denial isn’t a river and self deception rules the roost. We, as addicted people would rather ANYTHING else be wrong than admit that our drinking is to blame. This comes at a high price. Family, friends, children, jobs et cetera et cetera shoulder that burden. “If you had a life like I did… you’d drink too”  ”If only people would leave me alone, everything would be fine.”

The basic fact is this. A person that DOES NOT have an issue with drinking wouldn’t care one bit if someone said “Hey. Drinking is causing all these problems for you. Quit it.” It’d be a no brainer. They wouldn’t CARE if they could or couldn’t ingest alcohol any longer.

Does there ever come a point where we can trust our own thinking again? Is there ever a moment when we CAN differentiate the true from the false when it comes to our magical mystifying thought processes?

That’s a tricky one. But fortunately there’s an answer…

Ah. So the answer is a resounding yes. Funny where those particular promises come into play. AFTER we work step 9.  After amends are made and our side of the street is clear and unfettered to the best of our ability. The scary-ish thing about that is maintaining that state. But we have 10, 11, and 12 for that. AND… reliable sources such as sponsors and trusted recovery people to help us SEE when and if the sick comes back.

I’m usually pretty wary of promising things. But I have to tell ya; I’ve seen it, done it, BEEN it (it being absolved from sick thinking and returning back to denial) and this stuff works yo. You have much evidence to support such promises. It works… if you work it. Pinky swear promise.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

Not your regular average meeting (which I’ve done hundreds probably thousands of times), but an online webcam meeting. I was nervous because of the format… I cried a little –  okay a lot… and I was SO damn grateful to be able to share. It scared the hell out of me which is very VERY good. Why? Well let me tell you…

I don’t want to even remotely-ever-in-a-million-years think that I have to be perfect. 

I used to be a circuit speaker. AA and in my job as an Addictions counselor, public speaking came naturally to me; almost like breathing. Poised and all about it, I loved to get up and speak. That’s not a BAD thing mind you… but I think something got lost in translation in that decade and a half of “talking”.  Fifteen years is a long time to be sober … and talking and sharing and leading meetings. It almost became rote. Recovery was my entire life, both personally and professionally.

Then came the six months of hell where I thought I could safely drink again… see   The Girl I used to be or Relapse of a Mid-Timer (yes that’s a link)  for further reference.

This time around (oh I despise that phrase) in the 3 and a half years of sobriety some of that “polish” got taken away. I’m no longer an addictions specialist (although I still talk and write for a living and very well if I may say so) and I am no longer a circuit speaker… no longer sponsoring 20 girls at a time… no longer a Big Book-down-your-throat type.

It’s an inside job. My recovery today is quiet fortitude and “showing” versus “telling” and giving back in different ways (like this blog… which is basically anonymous and for which I receive no financial compensation). I like that. I LIKE that I cry when I speak … LIKE that it’s raw and real… LIKE that I get nervous.

Know why?

Because it means it’s fucking important. It MATTERS. And I WILL not return to poised and polished because I’m short changing me if I do so. When you talk about a life or death thing, like we ALL have experienced in our addiction and recovery, being real is a necessity. The TRUTH is never easy.

So I’ll keep the quirky self deprecating goofball sassy sappy ass girl that I am. And revel in the fact that this shit matters. Real. Raw. Uncensored. Imperfect. Truth.

Thanks for keeping me sober today people. Love you (mean it) and as always… I Love Recovery.

SassySoberGirl aka Amy G. aka SAPPYSoberGirl

 (In The Rooms will continue to have online webcam AA and NA meetings. Check the site http://intherooms.com for more details) 

Question: Please help me find out why,even if I am clean. I still crave chaos in my life.

Good question. Seems that we as recovering people have been so used to the roller coaster that we call “using” that it becomes the norm. What you reinforce, over and over and over again ad infinitum, we become. The consistent drama, the lying cheating stealing, the “near misses”, the shuckin’ and jivin’, all create the phenomenon of the using lifestyle.

Practice makes perfect and chaos was normal; a vital part of our daily lives. We had to have “excuses” to use didn’t we? How many times have you heard… If you lived MY life you’d drink too? Funny thing about that line of thinking… it tells me somewhere in a big blue book that “We can no longer blame anyone or anything for our problems” (paraphrased of course) But that is a post for another time, our focus is Chaos Theory.

Okay, so we have the first idea down. It’s more normal for me to have shitbat crazy in my life than not. Calm feels odd. Serene? What the hell does THAT look like? Here’s the good news. With step work you can reverse that. It takes practice and practice and even more practice to get to a point of non-chaos. When you’ve lived a large part of your life on a roller coaster, standing on solid ground just feels… weird.

As it tells me in the appendix to a spiritual experience (again in the big blue book) that this change will happen slowly over time (see “the EDUCATIONAL variety”). Meaning that the way your life looks will change, most times without you even realizing it’s happening. One day you’ll realize (if you’re working the steps and following suggestions) that you “feel” different, and you didn’t even realize it was happening. You have a measure of peace. This is one of the promises of recovery. Cool yes? Yes.

Okay. Part two is brain chemistry. (bear with please, this is good stuff) Substances replace the “feel good” chemicals in your brain. Massive studies have been done showing how drugs impact the way your brain functions. This is a major part of withdrawal. When you become physically addicted and rely on a substance to make you “feel good” all the time; your brain no longer needs to produce feel good chemicals. (NEUROTRANSMITTERS) See the little scoop thingys out of the left side of the above picture? Those are receptor sites. Substances replace neurotransmitters and FIT themselves into those little divots.

When you stop using substances your brain is STILL not producing chemicals correctly and you get the feeling of being “numb” and “depressed” because your brain isn’t working right. This is a major part of POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL or P.A.W. (symptoms listed below yes that is a link)

The most common post-acute withdrawal symptoms are:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Tiredness
• Variable energy
• Low enthusiasm
• Variable concentration
• Disturbed sleep

Why is this important? Because then, in our sick minds, we have to work doubly hard to “feel good”. Add on top of this a minimal amount of healthy behaviors and WHAMMO… enter CHAOS PART TWO. Thrill seeking behavior, sex, drama, the thrill of creating chaos… just to FEEL SOMETHING.

Yeah. Ouch.

Good news? The brain (most times) heals itself and P.A.W. lasts only two (in extreme cases four) years. You people DID realize that we are brain damaged right? That the brain has to heal? That we need to treat ourselves well so that we can get better and stop this chaos theory from rip roaring through our lives?

So, in early recovery, we are mentally/physically/behaviorally addicted to a chaotic lifestyle. With time and patience and hard work… IT WILL PASS. If you look around all the people you see in meetings with time, they’ve been through it TOO. Every one of them. Even the most serene cat in the club felt just as you did at one time. Ask him. He’ll tell you so.

And really, the fact that you’re AWARE that you live in Chaos Theory is HUGE. The problem comes in when we operate under the idea that chaos is normal. You’re totally on your way. Work the steps, take care of yourself physically, follow suggestions, ask tons of questions; being aware is more than half the battle (or in our case… surrender)

You are not alone. And it DOES get better. You’ll see. There’ll come a moment when chaos feels uncomfortable. Remember this post on that day. Remember how you felt RIGHT NOW. That’s what your disease wants you to forget. All the bleck. Don’t ever forget the bleck… chaos style.

A man that I have seen a dozen times a dozen times a dozen times. A man that always seemed to gravitate towards me and I wasn’t sure why. (Blonde hair and big… blue eyes may have had something to do with it. One can’t be sure.) This man that had stumbled and stuttered and stammered as he came up to talk to me at least once a week; never really making eye contact.

I’ve seen him with bad “road rash” from a dirty dance with the pavement crotch rocket style. I’ve seen him blurry eyed and stumbly, fumbling through his torrent of slurred verbiage. I’ve seen him blush and cower and shuffle his feet while telling me “Things just aren’t so good.” I’ve watched as he deteriorated before me as the weeks went by… first losing his relationships, then his health, and (as I came to find out on Friday) his business, and his home.

Flip to Friday afternoon. It’d been a helluva week. I was tired. It was almost three. I was mentally done. All I could think about was getting home to take the mini ninjas to the park. In comes “the guy”. I hadn’t seen him in months. (I remember these things. There is order and beauty in the details you know.)  He fumbled and he stumbled and he shuffled and finally I had had enough.

“What is the matter with you man? Every time you come in here, you’re all eggshells and winces. What do you want to say to me?”

“I’m a drunk.” he says. “I’m a drunk and I lost everything. I’ve been in treatment for a month and one of my counselors told me to find people that have that “spark”. I thought of you. Are you in AA?”

(Holy shit. But I sorta knew it already.)

“I have a spark BECAUSE of my 12 step recovery yes. And largely NOT from my doing. All I did was keep showing up and do what was suggested. I am no different than you. That’s the beauty of recovery. If I can do it… well you can too.” I was reaching for words. They came. I was glad.

“I can’t imagine the idea of never drinking again.” a big alligator tear cruised down his cheek. “I lost everything and I still want to drink.”

I wanted to go into counselor mode. To explain to him that he suffers from a disease, and all the characteristics of said disease. I wanted to reassure him that there was an answer. That it COULD be different. That he COULD recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. But I didn’t. This was HIS moment. His bottom. HIS telling. I simply gave him a phone number of a male friend in recovery that I’ve known for 20 years.

“This man can help you… help you. If you’re tired of the lying, shame, blame, trauma, drama, pain, and shitstorm that alcoholism can bring? He can help you.”

And that was it. No trying to help him myself. No trying to convince. No war stories to identify. His countenance softened. We understood each other perfectly at that moment. It was a beautiful thing… this moment. No words need be said. They would have come across trite and lacking humility. It was enough. And it appeared to me that some sort of weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Perhaps just wishful thinking.

And it kept me sober. You see step 12 can happen anywhere at anytime with anyone. You never know when you could be the only example of recovery a person sees. No matter where you are or what you’re doing. Random bits of unexpected treasure.

I saw a man of Friday. And it changed the whole perception of my day. Thank you for cleaning my glasses mister.

I love recovery.