Who exactly ARE these “winners” that everyone keeps talking about sticking with??? I mean really… how do you know who to talk to or whom you should run the hell away from? People can appear to be anything they choose …  at first. Appearances are deceiving and talk is a cheap 10 dollar hooker who looks great from a distance.  I’ve made the mistake several times (those who know me are nodding EMPHATICALLY right now) of being very trusting … but only to a point.  Always, always, and again I say foghorn leghorn style ALWAYS … something, on the gut level, told me to be careful. People in the 12 step world will OFTEN spout stick with the winners. Even the “losers” (opposite of winners … I would prefer “sickers” but hey … parameters) will say these golden words with a sickly silver tongue.  My take on what attributes to avoid and what ones to look for in connections with people … not only recovery but everywhere.

We will start with the obvious and move to the more abstract here people.  Ass grabbing, asshattery, know-it-all, negativity seeping through the skin tight jeans. Judgmental, holy roller, sad sack, nothing is right with the world and all it’s denizens. Shifty, sketchy, “let’s have coffee at my place cutie”, used car salesman (offense intended) greasy, gossipy bitter betty’s laughing at the new girl with thick black eyeliner (yeah that was me bitch … and I ain’t new NO mo’).  Angry, zealot, yelling, in your face spittle, with a shame chaser for not doing what “they say”.The idea of being genuine. Too much happy, too much angst, too much of TOO much. Well, it’s just too much.  No one can be one way all the time – warning wil robinson danger approaches!

NOW … having said all that garbage. I’m really okay with people being that way. It’s where they’re at and most times they don’t perceive their actions with clarity … I mean we’re always the last to know … yanno?  I, like many others, have the eyes to see with compassion and let people “be” where they are.  It wasn’t always so … when I was new I trusted and trusted and trusted and OUCH.  So let this old scarred burned hand tell you from having the experience of touching the stove one too many times … what healthy can look like.  (Paraphrased from my first sponsor back in 92)

Kind, content, non-judgmental but firm, compassionate and sincere, never hear a bad word about a person (thick eyeliner or no).  Comments from the heart whether they be angry, sad, happy, or silly.  Easy to laugh and non drama making, cross talking and ego left at the door. No need for accolades, acts of kindness unspoken, gentleness with a ninja kick added for good measure.  Closemouthedness, keepin’ the real, not afraid to say the bad of the shitty day but quick to say how to resolve it.  Genuine and wise, sage lessons given freely without expectation.  The knowing that sponsorship is NOT ownership and people make their own choices.  Content in their skin without anything needed from you, unconditional love for the still suffering, slicing through shame like a hot knife in buttah.  The first one to approach the unapproachable, hand outstretched.  Sometimes these people are disliked for not playing the game. They are okay with that.  Self esteem wins out in the end. They don’t spout the steps, they live them, word and deed… life and breath.

Most of us fall in the middle somewhere I’d imagine. Work in progress, have a bad day or ninety, tough times, blah blah blah. But the phrase “Stick with the winners.” says to me that even if my ship is sinking, I can look for the hand that is love without condition, stuck out JUST BECAUSE they’ve been there too.  I see people bitchin’ all the time about sick people at meetings … you will find what you seek everytime. Focus on sick … that’s what you’ll get. Look for the bright… boomerang baby there’s the light.   What you focus on becomes reality… truly.  So eyes open and use this page for reference if need be. Checklist available upon request.  Trust your gut, deep way down. That’s where the real is … it will spot kindred spirits every time.   Next time we’ll discuss saying “Hi. My name is…”

My head is a liar.

Yeah yeah we know. All our heads lie to us. True. But as the Big Book says we ‘learn to differentiate the true from the false’. How? Well by step work of course. Doing daily inventories and all that razamatazz (see your sponsor for further reference i’m sure he/she will have TONS to say about this).

Problem, for me anyway, is that the longer I’m sober the more complex the lies become. Flavored with just enough of the truth to be believable, the twists and turns of the magical magnifying glass that is my sick thinking takes me through Dante’s nine circles of hell. Just enough truth for me to buy it on some level, a nagging voice deep down inside with the label of “DOUBT”. This ‘sick’ even uses my own recovery against me, quite frequently if I really examine it. Subtle messages of fail that create chaos with a healthful tangy aftertaste.

Examples? Sure why not. I’m always one for sharing my ridiculousness… no shame is the name of my game.

“These people don’t want to read what you have to say about recovery. You sound like a broken record. Can’t you think of anything new or exciting or worth a shit? Maybe you’ve used up all your words. It happens you know. I mean it’s not so bad to be a failure. You always say you have to fail to grow right? So you’re growing out of this whole thing. Just give up. Surrender to win yes? Yes. You deserve a break. Where’s your stepwork now smarty pants?”

So… as I’m sure I’ve said a hundred thousand times before here and other places, I challenge it. I have to. It will swallow me whole if I let it in even a little bit. I literally write… it… out. Recovery style.

“Well if recovery is only about the response I get then it’s not really giving it away now is it? We do the things we do in recovery because they are simply what we have to do to stay sober. This isn’t a popularity contest or how many people read or even if I even LIKE what I’m writing.

This is one of the ways I do the 12th step. Giving it away no matter what… for no money… no recompense and no acclaim. My name isn’t even here so it’s not about ego. It’s about connection and sharing who I am and what I’ve been taught about recovery so I don’t pick up that first drink. Because, as you well know, to drink is to die for people like me.

So I’ll share this stuff as many times as I have to, because I have a quick forgetter. And I’ll write on I Love Recovery as long as they’ll let me because being a writer is WHO I AM. Not for pay or for accolades but because it’s a big part of my recovery. Just because I might not like something I write doesn’t mean it isn’t worthy.

Since when am I the best judge of character when it comes to myself? I still don’t see things clearly but somehow when I write them out… it matters. To me. And frankly if no one else gets it that’s entirely okay… I get it.

When I live in fear of opinions, I’m in sick thinking. When I project outcomes, again sick. And sure failing is a part of life and we learn from such things… but it doesn’t mean we don’t pick ourselves up and keep going. This is called courage. I have it. I am more than I believe myself to be.”

and if I’m being VERY technical… I write out my 10th step in the 4th step format.

Who do I resent?  ME.

Why? For not being enough. For caring too much about other’s opinions. For being afraid.

What does it affect? Security, Self Esteem, Personal Relationships, Pride, Pocketbook (financial)

How am I being 

Selfish? I expect myself to live to some imaginary standard of right/wrong good/bad without even knowing what to measure.

Dishonest? Acting as if it doesn’t matter.

Self Seeking? Negate accomplishments. Downplay good things that happen.

Afraid?  That the other shoe will drop and I will fail miserably.

This may seem like a lot of work. It’s not really. It’s my process. It is EXACTLY what the book tells me to do. And if I’ve learned nothing else since 1992 when I first graced the rooms of AA with my malarky… it’s that the Big Book is our guide for living. It allows me to differentiate the true from the false, to see myself and the world around me with bright shining eyes instead of the haze of the sickness that has clouded my vision for so long.  My worst enemy is me… how do I get over it? My daily inventory.

It is … what it is.

Twisting and turning like the python in Pandora’s Box, life has a way of just “happening”.  It can happen TO us or we can be an active member of this late night R rated game show.  Put the kids to bed Ma … “life’s” on again.  Flip the channel to the dating game (omg), back to Days of our Jackasses soap style, DVR the news to watch when it’s okay to cry.  Common denominator is who is holding the remote.

Anything can be used for the HGH (human growth hormone I’ll save you the google). Yes even the Telenovelas give us sex tips on how to shake the inner latin mambo saying not a word.  I’m a judger. I admit it.  Work hard to cntrl alt del the words good and bad from the inner Webster’s unabridged.  Experience is just that – no moniker of god/devil unless I choose it to be.  What is the right and wrong of it all really except past experiences bitch slapping me from behind the blonde?  (Oh yes this is another “perspective blog” … get down with it. it’s important)

How I choose to use the information dissemination that is my soul is entirely up to me.  “Without having experienced the deepest black of the night, how can you fully appreciate the beauty that is the sunrise?” ~ quote by Amy Gabriel *grin* paraphrased from 1992.  Even at 19 and new to the recovery game, I knew. Remembered rather.  Know those lessons that only little itty bitty babies have down?  You know.  Be nice, play fair, blah blah blah … THAT is what I strive to remember when life is a shit throwing monkey.

All in all it’s how I CHOOSE to see things.  Glass as half full, half empty, or just simply … there is a glass.  I love the glass.  *pets the glass* In the words of the great P Diddy “Can’t nobody hold me down” unless I buy it on some level. Introspection, with assistance of course, is vital in this channel changing digital world.  The how and why of it all … NOT to put on the zealot judge smock but look with an impartial eye and see how I can BE my highest thought today.  Always … in all ways.  Cookie cutter theology not allowed thank you.  Flow through the inner tv tube to bring the highest quality programming … forget the hijacked “free” cable.  Wonder what’s on PBS today?

So. We get sober/clean.  We go to meetings, get a sponsor, do stepwork … all the necessaries.  What now? How in the sam hell do I have FUN and not use?  All my receptor sites, gut level instincts, behaviors, and attitudes have focused on using for so long that fun seems to be a distant memory.  I used to see people laughing easily, totally comfortable with who they are, doing cheezy things like bowling or dancing; and think “How are they doing that?”.  I mean really.  NOT being messed up and doing really silly things with no inhibitions? They’ve got to be lying about their clean time. I mean OMG.

Then I got involved with young people’s conferences, Founders Day (being from Akron), sober dances, dry clubs, parties and on and on… and so on and so forth.  There is never a dull moment if you choose it that way. Within your vicinity right now, there are plans a brewin’. For clean dances, card parties, bonfires, conferences to liven up the deepest of the winter blahs. The secret here is INVOLVEMENT. Being part of a 12 step fellowship, means just that. Fellowshipping. Camaraderie in the form of shared pain and loss mystically transformed into laughing kinship and love.  In my meetings we say,

But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 132

It may seem hopeless.  We can’t go from rippin it up from dusk til dawn to sitting at home and knitting a flippin’ doily on a Saturday night. Get into it! Jump in the middle of the fellowship and see what happens. I know it’s scary sometimes. Trust me … getting sober as a young person was freaky.  I thought “I’ll never have fun again.” Man was I wrong.  If you’re bored in recovery then you need to open your eyes to whats out there. Camp outs and bar-b-ques and people playing their music stuff; skinny dipping sober (shhh about that one, that’s really between me and my sponsor), the satisfaction of laughing so hard after an all night sober party that my stomach is sore for days after. YES!!! It can SOO be like that.  Plan to hit an NA convention (from what I hear they’re EVERYWHERE),  go to Founder’s Day in June,  or international AA convention in Texas this summer, copy and paste this link into your browser and DO SOMETHING for sober’s sakes.

http://www.anonymousone.com/activities.htm

Love and laughter and joy and peace. You’ll find it here. So what if you’re afraid? We ALL were. Remember that everyone you meet in the rooms was new at one time. WE GET IT. So when we reach our hand out to you … know that it’s done by one who “gets” you. In a way no one else can know.

Kick your heels up. There’s a time for tears and doin’ the work but also a time to shake your groove thing, laugh your ass off, be silly and playful and sing bad karoake songs. We’ll laugh with you until our tummies ache. You’re not alone anymore and remember Rule 62 from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 149,

“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

Yeah. That voice. Those songs. That girl. The girl I grew up listening to, the one that bookmarked first kisses and high school dances and sleepovers and and and… yeah. Beautiful voice and face and could’ve had a beautiful life.

Addiction said this wouldn’t be so.

A once sweet career ended too quickly with a marriage gone sour and a fall from grace. Suspicion of drug use confirmed on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2009. I’ll let you read the Huffington Post article yourself and see what you think.

 Whitney Houston took drugs, including cocaine and marijuana, with ex-husband Bobby Brown, who was emotionally abusive during their marriage and at one point spit on her, the singer said during an interview that aired Monday on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

“I had so much money and so much access to what I wanted,” Houston told Winfrey. “I didn’t think about the singing part anymore. I was looking for my young womanhood.”

After a long absence from music, Houston is staging a career comeback with a new album “I Look to You” released last month and a two-part appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Houston is one of the best-selling artists of all time, but her career stalled as she grappled with drug problems and a troubled marriage to Brown.

The couple married in 1992 and were divorced in 2007. During their marriage, Brown was arrested on drug and alcohol charges, and Houston twice entered drug rehabilitation programs. She has custody of their teenage daughter.

 

One doesn’t qualify for drug treatment by mistake. And of course physical abuse is never to be discounted (being a survivor of DV my damn self).  But denial and addiction go hand in hand in hand to mouth to overdose to death.

No one knows yet as to the cause of death. But once an addict always an addict. WE… know this.

All the money in the world can’t keep you clean. Nor can all the talent. Addiction kills. Whether directly or indirectly. Rest in Peace Whitney.

“The biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy.” Whitney Houston

Ever play that game as a kid? You know the one where you list the things you’re taking from the alphabet and have to remember them all? Yeah. I’m playing that game right now in my head. Except it’s not a game. I’m sorting through the idea (which made me quite nervous actually) that for the FIRST time in a VERY long time… I’m going out into the world.

Not only out into the world but more importantly to New York City to hang with some amazing people. None of which, to my knowledge, are in recovery. And they’re going to party like only cool kids can. And I’m honestly okay with that. Except for one little thing…

I thought… Am I even going to fit in with these people? I mean sure I write and they seem to like it well enough… but I don’t drink. Not only do I not drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic. For me to pick up again is tantamount to going back to that insanity from which I came. And no I have no desire to pick up. I’ve inventoried my inventories and am in a good spot.Wanna know why?

Cause’ I told on myself. I told my sponser and my boyfriend (who’s amazingly supportive and wonderful btw) that I was nervous. Not about the drinking but that I maybe wouldn’t be “as cool” or “fit in”. I told them that I wondered if people would think me “odd” for not drinking.

Sounded silly as soon as I said it out loud. Only a self centered drunk would think that way. As if anyone else will give a rat’s ass what I do or when. Silly yes? Yes.

But honestly I’m GLAD my head thinks that way. I’m GLAD that recovery is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m GLAD that I know myself well enough to tell on that stupidity to show it for what it really is… my sick thinking. My “not good enough”-ism.  My fear. Oh man was my 10th step a big one tonight.  An example? Sure. Why not. The more I tell on myself the better off I am. Ego is an illusion. 

What am I afraid of? People thinking I’m odd because I don’t party.

Where am I selfish dishonest self seeking and afraid?

• Selfish: I want all these people to think and act MY way (to think I’m cool omg I can’t believe I’m even typing this out loud. ffs.)
• Dishonest: I hadn’t told anyone (until today) 
• Self Seeking: Acted as if I wasn’t nervous.
• Afraid: of other people’s opinions. 

So I remind myself (as others have reminded me as well) I am a confident woman in recovery who can hang with the best of them. I also have loving people in my life who don’t think I’m an idiot … even if I think what I say sounds stupid. And… I told on my head which in turn took care of any nagging sick snippets of fail in my noggin. NOW… I’m all packed. Physically and mentally.

Always always ALWAYS… TELL ON YOURSELF. No matter if it sounds stupid or not. Then, if you’re anything like me, you can laugh at yourself a little and let yourself be happy that you have somewhere to go … that’s fun and uber cool. NYC here I come

I’m going on a trip and I’m taking my:

(Happy) Ass.

Big Book.

Comfort zone.

Directions to a meeting in the Big Apple …

yeah. I think you get the idea.

I love you people… thanks for listening to all the silliness I put out here every week. My world is an infinitely more beautiful space because of you and oh yeah I almost forgot…  I LOVE RECOVERY. 

We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?

It’s so easy.

So easy to get in that negative mind set when it “seems” as if everyone in the world is doing it. It being the backbiting, judgmental shuffle. The negative nelly wrapped in caustic crass. Seems like the world loves to kick someone when they’re down… as if it makes us feel “better” somehow to point out the obvious pain in the life of another.

“Did you see her (fill in the blank)?”

“He’s SOOO having problems at home… did you hear what his wife did with the poolboy? Well let me tell you (fill in the blank) and then (fill in the blank) and then the doctor said she gave it to (fill in the blank)?”

“Who does she think she is showing that (blankity blank) and (blank blanky blank) to everyone in town.”

When did life become rubbernecking at pain? Speaking of someone, with good intent, to see how you can help them is one thing… but to reiterate sometimes private painful things just to make YOUR life seem less shitty = fail.

We all do it. Have done it. Will probably do it… again. Especially when someone has wronged us or we “think” they’re not doing something as they should. In recovery we learn that what other people do is none of our business; and to keep the focus on our OWN recovery.  Hit any meeting and you’ll see the sick “double speak”. You know what I mean…

“He’s not doing it right.”

“That’s not in the big book”

“He’s a 13th stepper”

“She’s not working a program”

Ugh. We must be mindful of taking other people’s inventories. In other words, if it doesn’t directly concern your recovery then keep your damn mouth shut. If you have a question that is viable, with healthful intentions… ask your sponsor. Is this correct? or I heard this and wanted to check it out with you. Names not need be… named all the time. Is it important that Suzy Sober is sleeping around? Perhaps your question could be “I’ve seen someone gettin’ their groove thing on and it seems like she’s suffering consequences. How can I best be helpful to her?”  See the diff?

Intentions. Yes the proverbial road to hell is paved with them… yadda yadda. But think about yours. Or rather what are your motives? Everyday… all the time. In every situation. This takes discipline, practice, and step work (mainly the inventory steps)

First and foremost in my mind as a recovering woman is (usually)… How can I be of service?

Today… I didn’t think that way. I indulged in rubbernecking for a brief moment; instead of walking away from the negativity I just stood and nodded and listened. And I feel dirty. I have the wisdom to know the difference and I do NOT like what being “gossipy” feels like. It’s progress however. Because it’s no longer natural for me to participate in such things. It feels like a disservice to myself as well as the person being talked about.

Fortunately I have a program of recovery that teaches me how to clean my stuff right up… so says my 10th step anyway. And tomorrow I’m going to make an amends. NOT by going and telling the person what was said (that would hurt them just to make myself feel better. big no-no.) But by telling the Nasty Nellies that I was wrong to listen… and then NOT be involved again.

Sometimes the best amends we can make is to not repeat the behavior… and simply walk away. Sober style. Man… I love recovery.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.