Ever play that game as a kid? You know the one where you list the things you’re taking from the alphabet and have to remember them all? Yeah. I’m playing that game right now in my head. Except it’s not a game. I’m sorting through the idea (which made me quite nervous actually) that for the FIRST time in a VERY long time… I’m going out into the world.

Not only out into the world but more importantly to New York City to hang with some amazing people. None of which, to my knowledge, are in recovery. And they’re going to party like only cool kids can. And I’m honestly okay with that. Except for one little thing…

I thought… Am I even going to fit in with these people? I mean sure I write and they seem to like it well enough… but I don’t drink. Not only do I not drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic. For me to pick up again is tantamount to going back to that insanity from which I came. And no I have no desire to pick up. I’ve inventoried my inventories and am in a good spot.Wanna know why?

Cause’ I told on myself. I told my sponser and my boyfriend (who’s amazingly supportive and wonderful btw) that I was nervous. Not about the drinking but that I maybe wouldn’t be “as cool” or “fit in”. I told them that I wondered if people would think me “odd” for not drinking.

Sounded silly as soon as I said it out loud. Only a self centered drunk would think that way. As if anyone else will give a rat’s ass what I do or when. Silly yes? Yes.

But honestly I’m GLAD my head thinks that way. I’m GLAD that recovery is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m GLAD that I know myself well enough to tell on that stupidity to show it for what it really is… my sick thinking. My “not good enough”-ism.  My fear. Oh man was my 10th step a big one tonight.  An example? Sure. Why not. The more I tell on myself the better off I am. Ego is an illusion. 

What am I afraid of? People thinking I’m odd because I don’t party.

Where am I selfish dishonest self seeking and afraid?

• Selfish: I want all these people to think and act MY way (to think I’m cool omg I can’t believe I’m even typing this out loud. ffs.)
• Dishonest: I hadn’t told anyone (until today) 
• Self Seeking: Acted as if I wasn’t nervous.
• Afraid: of other people’s opinions. 

So I remind myself (as others have reminded me as well) I am a confident woman in recovery who can hang with the best of them. I also have loving people in my life who don’t think I’m an idiot … even if I think what I say sounds stupid. And… I told on my head which in turn took care of any nagging sick snippets of fail in my noggin. NOW… I’m all packed. Physically and mentally.

Always always ALWAYS… TELL ON YOURSELF. No matter if it sounds stupid or not. Then, if you’re anything like me, you can laugh at yourself a little and let yourself be happy that you have somewhere to go … that’s fun and uber cool. NYC here I come

I’m going on a trip and I’m taking my:

(Happy) Ass.

Big Book.

Comfort zone.

Directions to a meeting in the Big Apple …

yeah. I think you get the idea.

I love you people… thanks for listening to all the silliness I put out here every week. My world is an infinitely more beautiful space because of you and oh yeah I almost forgot…  I LOVE RECOVERY. 

We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?

It’s so easy.

So easy to get in that negative mind set when it “seems” as if everyone in the world is doing it. It being the backbiting, judgmental shuffle. The negative nelly wrapped in caustic crass. Seems like the world loves to kick someone when they’re down… as if it makes us feel “better” somehow to point out the obvious pain in the life of another.

“Did you see her (fill in the blank)?”

“He’s SOOO having problems at home… did you hear what his wife did with the poolboy? Well let me tell you (fill in the blank) and then (fill in the blank) and then the doctor said she gave it to (fill in the blank)?”

“Who does she think she is showing that (blankity blank) and (blank blanky blank) to everyone in town.”

When did life become rubbernecking at pain? Speaking of someone, with good intent, to see how you can help them is one thing… but to reiterate sometimes private painful things just to make YOUR life seem less shitty = fail.

We all do it. Have done it. Will probably do it… again. Especially when someone has wronged us or we “think” they’re not doing something as they should. In recovery we learn that what other people do is none of our business; and to keep the focus on our OWN recovery.  Hit any meeting and you’ll see the sick “double speak”. You know what I mean…

“He’s not doing it right.”

“That’s not in the big book”

“He’s a 13th stepper”

“She’s not working a program”

Ugh. We must be mindful of taking other people’s inventories. In other words, if it doesn’t directly concern your recovery then keep your damn mouth shut. If you have a question that is viable, with healthful intentions… ask your sponsor. Is this correct? or I heard this and wanted to check it out with you. Names not need be… named all the time. Is it important that Suzy Sober is sleeping around? Perhaps your question could be “I’ve seen someone gettin’ their groove thing on and it seems like she’s suffering consequences. How can I best be helpful to her?”  See the diff?

Intentions. Yes the proverbial road to hell is paved with them… yadda yadda. But think about yours. Or rather what are your motives? Everyday… all the time. In every situation. This takes discipline, practice, and step work (mainly the inventory steps)

First and foremost in my mind as a recovering woman is (usually)… How can I be of service?

Today… I didn’t think that way. I indulged in rubbernecking for a brief moment; instead of walking away from the negativity I just stood and nodded and listened. And I feel dirty. I have the wisdom to know the difference and I do NOT like what being “gossipy” feels like. It’s progress however. Because it’s no longer natural for me to participate in such things. It feels like a disservice to myself as well as the person being talked about.

Fortunately I have a program of recovery that teaches me how to clean my stuff right up… so says my 10th step anyway. And tomorrow I’m going to make an amends. NOT by going and telling the person what was said (that would hurt them just to make myself feel better. big no-no.) But by telling the Nasty Nellies that I was wrong to listen… and then NOT be involved again.

Sometimes the best amends we can make is to not repeat the behavior… and simply walk away. Sober style. Man… I love recovery.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.

As it tells us in our literature (you know the Big blue Book… at least for this drunk it’s my textbook), namely the Doctor’s opinion, we “cannot differentiate the true from the false”.

huh?

okay I’ll let Dr. Silkworth explain this since he did such a fabulous job doing so.  Linkage:  . http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_doctoropinion.cfm

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

Oh. So what he’s saying is that there comes a point where we lose the ability to see and realize the truth about our drinking and ourselves. Denial isn’t a river and self deception rules the roost. We, as addicted people would rather ANYTHING else be wrong than admit that our drinking is to blame. This comes at a high price. Family, friends, children, jobs et cetera et cetera shoulder that burden. “If you had a life like I did… you’d drink too”  ”If only people would leave me alone, everything would be fine.”

The basic fact is this. A person that DOES NOT have an issue with drinking wouldn’t care one bit if someone said “Hey. Drinking is causing all these problems for you. Quit it.” It’d be a no brainer. They wouldn’t CARE if they could or couldn’t ingest alcohol any longer.

Does there ever come a point where we can trust our own thinking again? Is there ever a moment when we CAN differentiate the true from the false when it comes to our magical mystifying thought processes?

That’s a tricky one. But fortunately there’s an answer…

Ah. So the answer is a resounding yes. Funny where those particular promises come into play. AFTER we work step 9.  After amends are made and our side of the street is clear and unfettered to the best of our ability. The scary-ish thing about that is maintaining that state. But we have 10, 11, and 12 for that. AND… reliable sources such as sponsors and trusted recovery people to help us SEE when and if the sick comes back.

I’m usually pretty wary of promising things. But I have to tell ya; I’ve seen it, done it, BEEN it (it being absolved from sick thinking and returning back to denial) and this stuff works yo. You have much evidence to support such promises. It works… if you work it. Pinky swear promise.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

A man that I have seen a dozen times a dozen times a dozen times. A man that always seemed to gravitate towards me and I wasn’t sure why. (Blonde hair and big… blue eyes may have had something to do with it. One can’t be sure.) This man that had stumbled and stuttered and stammered as he came up to talk to me at least once a week; never really making eye contact.

I’ve seen him with bad “road rash” from a dirty dance with the pavement crotch rocket style. I’ve seen him blurry eyed and stumbly, fumbling through his torrent of slurred verbiage. I’ve seen him blush and cower and shuffle his feet while telling me “Things just aren’t so good.” I’ve watched as he deteriorated before me as the weeks went by… first losing his relationships, then his health, and (as I came to find out on Friday) his business, and his home.

Flip to Friday afternoon. It’d been a helluva week. I was tired. It was almost three. I was mentally done. All I could think about was getting home to take the mini ninjas to the park. In comes “the guy”. I hadn’t seen him in months. (I remember these things. There is order and beauty in the details you know.)  He fumbled and he stumbled and he shuffled and finally I had had enough.

“What is the matter with you man? Every time you come in here, you’re all eggshells and winces. What do you want to say to me?”

“I’m a drunk.” he says. “I’m a drunk and I lost everything. I’ve been in treatment for a month and one of my counselors told me to find people that have that “spark”. I thought of you. Are you in AA?”

(Holy shit. But I sorta knew it already.)

“I have a spark BECAUSE of my 12 step recovery yes. And largely NOT from my doing. All I did was keep showing up and do what was suggested. I am no different than you. That’s the beauty of recovery. If I can do it… well you can too.” I was reaching for words. They came. I was glad.

“I can’t imagine the idea of never drinking again.” a big alligator tear cruised down his cheek. “I lost everything and I still want to drink.”

I wanted to go into counselor mode. To explain to him that he suffers from a disease, and all the characteristics of said disease. I wanted to reassure him that there was an answer. That it COULD be different. That he COULD recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. But I didn’t. This was HIS moment. His bottom. HIS telling. I simply gave him a phone number of a male friend in recovery that I’ve known for 20 years.

“This man can help you… help you. If you’re tired of the lying, shame, blame, trauma, drama, pain, and shitstorm that alcoholism can bring? He can help you.”

And that was it. No trying to help him myself. No trying to convince. No war stories to identify. His countenance softened. We understood each other perfectly at that moment. It was a beautiful thing… this moment. No words need be said. They would have come across trite and lacking humility. It was enough. And it appeared to me that some sort of weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Perhaps just wishful thinking.

And it kept me sober. You see step 12 can happen anywhere at anytime with anyone. You never know when you could be the only example of recovery a person sees. No matter where you are or what you’re doing. Random bits of unexpected treasure.

I saw a man of Friday. And it changed the whole perception of my day. Thank you for cleaning my glasses mister.

I love recovery.

I was an isolater (okay sometimes still am). A runner. A “get too close to me and I’mma run like hell” type of chick.  (yes. I am aware that I’m not unique. hmmph) A “lick my wounds alone because it’s not pretty” until I can regroup and write it out. I used to believe this protected me until I realized that I was missing part of the equation. The “feeling” aspect. The vulnerability and courage it takes just to “be” in the moment. But there was a problem with that ideology. I had NO say-so in my emotions.

You know that feeling where the back of your neck burns? Your face feels hot? It’s hard to swallow and your eyes start misting? And you say to yourself “don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry please God don’t let me cry right now”. No? Then you should stop reading because this doesn’t relate to you. Yes? Omg it sucks doesn’t it?

I have this “thing” I absolutely despise about myself. I cry. I mean I CRY. At other times than just being sad. When I’m angry or embarassed or overwhelmed, when it’s that time of the month, when I absolutely DO NOT want to show emotion. When I’m happy even. When things are so breath takingly beautiful that I just absolutely have to see the world through a veil of saltine saline. WHEN-EVER. So the only tool I had in the past was to drink and in recovery…  run away. You people CANNOT see this. I hate it so you will to… bleck.

I really dislike this. Really really. Because I’ve learned as a result of recovery that just because I “feel” something, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily truth. (Feelings aren’t facts blah blah blah) Crying is an external showing of an internal stimulus. Aka… showin’ yer ass. Filter-less. It’s being at the whim of emotions that may not even be based in fact.

Here’s the rub.

Unless and until I can accept that part of me completely; embrace the things I like the least about myself… I can’t change them. Thankfully years upon years of stepwork has allowed me to navigate my emotional world so that NOW, when I cry, it’s congruent to the situation. No more past resentments that foul up the works, no more (most times) flawed thinking that makes me a walking water fountain on legs.

But I had to look at it. Steps 6 and 7 showed me that. That I be allowed to address and begin to remove those things in my character that blocked me. From learning, hearing, growing, changing, evolving … into an emotionally balanced person. Until I could SEE the whole water-works issue… and get to the reasons behind it (steps 4 and 5)… only then could I do the work (6-12) to begin to identify the “true from the false”.

Because when we really get down to causes and conditions? Fear is a bitch and the root of most of my flawed perceptions. Today when I “feel” I can do so with a recovering mind; if I’m all “jumbly and weepy” I can look at it and figure out what the hell is wrong with me.   And, if I’m being honest, I’m so tired of running. Now I can stand tall with tears streaming down my face and know that they are based in a recovery mindset. What a gift THAT is.

Man. I love recovery.

It’s National Recovery Month… huh? What does THAT mean exactly? Well according to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse And Mental Health Administration) it’s this…

National Recovery Month (Recovery Month) is a national observance that educates Americans on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a substance use or mental disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life. The observance’s main focus is to laud the gains made by those in recovery from these conditions, just as we would those who are managing other health conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, asthma and heart disease.  Recovery Month spreads the positive message that behavioral health is essential to overall health, that prevention works, treatment is effective and people can and do recover.

Ah that whole awareness thing. Gotcha. And oddly enough in ALL the recovery circles I run around in… I’ve not heard tons about this. Pity. Although I suppose that those already IN recovery don’t really need it seeing as EVERY month is recovery month. For those who don’t know about recovering people… or what addiction is or how to treat it? Yeah. Great.  Maybe this is why…

Celebrated during the month of September, Recovery Month began in 1989 as TreatmentWorks! Month, which honored the work of the treatment and recovery professionals in the field. The observance evolved to National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month (Recovery Month) in 1998, when the observance expanded to include celebrating the accomplishment of individuals in recovery from substance use disorders.  The observance is evolving once again in 2011, to include all aspects of behavioral health and will now be known as National Recovery Month (Recovery Month).

Ah. Right. A month that started as atta boys for counselors (hey I was one for nearly ten years… no shame in givin’ peeps high fives for that) to nine years later celebrating the individuals IN recovery from substance abuse disorders… to EVERYONE and all forms of “behavioral health”.

Great. Right? Cheers and hoopla and whatnot for SAMHSA. Or not. Yeah I’mma catch flack for this one. Don’t really care.

I AM NOT A FAN OF THIS.

Why? Umm. Let’s see. Google our fantastic “Administration” (or because I heart you click the link above) and what does it say? Well besides a lot of pretty words it says… BEHAVIORAL… a lot. It also says MENTAL ILLNESS in conjunction with SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Bleck. and double BLECK. (since we’re going with the whole caps thing)

Man look… the only substance I ever “abused” was the one that I didn’t finish. Abuse. Paugh. I loathe that word. Abuse is like saying that there was a choice in the matter. The Big Book tells me when it comes to alcohol I’ve “lost the power of choice” and I “can’t differentiate the true from the false“. Physical malady with a mental twist of rotten lime chaser.

Do I sound bitter? Probably. Do I have reason? Yep. As a former Addictions Counselor, I spent the majority of MY time (during staff meetings) hashing it out with other “professionals” who believed that Addiction was a Mental Disorder. That if you got to the “core” issue (mommy and daddy not loving you as a child) then you wouldn’t be an addict any more). And NO, I’m not kidding. And I got a bit heated. Why?

Because that goes against everything we learn in 12 step land. We are “physically and mentally different than our fellows“. (it’s in the Big Book. Look it up.) Yes we have a “peculiar mental twist” but once we pick up a drink/drug/needle/blunt/pipe/syringe/pill… something is different in us than other people.

If having a BAD childhood is a requirement for addiction… there’d be a HELL of a lot more people in the rooms.

Now I could go on a huge dissertation about how the American Medical Association has listed alcoholism/drug addiction as a physical disease. But I won’t. You can read about it HERE (Relapse Part Uno… or just the basics Ma’am) That’s the premise I work(ed) under. Because it is TRUTH.

The words substance abuse and mental illness in conjunction with who WE are? It pisses me straight off.

So thanks for your National Recovery blah blah blah… but yeah. It’s not for US. It’s for all the treatment providers in the world to pat themselves on the back for working with us “poor addicts”. Thanks. Really. Raise awareness for treatment (it does work if you have the right providers see a list at In The Rooms… they know the good ones) but don’t make it out like it’s for us. Cause’ it isn’t.

A site that I like? A lot? Sure. NICD. National Institute of Chemical Dependency. Booya. Cause that’s what the hell it is… physiological AND mental dependency. (Screw the word ABUSE. pffft.) These cats know what’s up yo. ANY site that lists these at HOT topics for prevention AND treatment… is cool in my book.

HOT TOPICS & RESOURCES

Addiction Resources

ADASK (Alcohol and Drug Addiction Survival Kit): Is a series of articles and resources geared towards parents and others dealing with the devastation of alcoholism and drug addiction.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Videos

Drug Pictures

Street Drug Slang Terms

Paraphernalia

Signs & Symptoms of Drug / Alcohol Use

Step Work

Relapse Prevention

http://www.nicd.us/findyourhp.html

Find National State to State Halfway Houses

Treatment Center Finder

Yeah. Lots different. And oh… if you go to the site itself? Note the top of the page where it says…

No God = No Peace / Know God = Know Peace

For a national organization to put that on their site? They know recovery. So… SAMHSA? Keep your “abuse” word and contemplate how great your recovery programs are helping “people like us”. Atta boy yourselves for a job well done. Any treatment program worth two shits helps people understand what they’re dealing with, gets them out of their using environment, and then pushes 12 step or alternative support groups. Yes there are mental issues that are addressed but they are listed as BARRIERS TO RECOVERY… NOT CAUSES OF ADDICTION.

HUGE EFFIN’ DIFFERENCE PEOPLE.

I would say sorry for the rant. But I’m not. I loved being a counselor/therapist, and I have pretty strong beliefs about what works and what doesn’t. Some treatment facilities get it (usually with most of the staff themselves being in recovery) some just DO NOT. Let’s support the ones that do… the sites that DO… the organizations that DO… because us “poor folks who abuse substances”? Well we’re some smart m-effers and with the help of treatment professionals who get IT as well as “the rooms”, we handle our bizness… thank you very much. Seventy plus years of 12 step programs thriving says this is so.

I don’t abuse shit. I… am an addict.

And while you’re patting yourself on the back SAMHSA? I (and those like me) am working with the newcomer who doesn’t give a DAMN about National RECOVERY Month. They just don’t want to die. Same as me. Perhaps all that money you’re spending on fliers and advertising could go to folks who need a damn treatment BED. Just sayin.

I love recovery.

Disclaimer: All the words listed in italics above are quotes directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you find them and email (soberandsassy@yahoo.com) me… I’ll take you out for coffee. Or I’ll send you a gift card and we can webcam drinking it together and shoot the shit recovery style. (I’m not kidding) Tell a girl.