re·sent·ment

noun \ri-ˈzent-mənt\

Definition of RESENTMENT

: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

God help me to show this person the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.

~ pg. 67 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It’s called learning how to be a duck in water. What can you change? You. That is all. No more. No less.  If you’re doing inventories – awesome. It’s your path to freedom and certainly nothing about which to be scared. If you’re not there yet remember … we can’t afford to be hypersensitive angry folks “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us.”

On a funny note … when my children are angry we’ve learned a fantastic way to deal with it. There are to instantly stop what they’re doing and sit down and do deep breathing for twenty seconds in the Lotus position (pretzel legs as we call it).  This does two things.  It interrupts the thought process of “I’m gonna get you” and it calms.  Yes they’ve done this in the middle of the grocery store. I laughed RIGHT out loud but was very proud of their follow through.  They learned a new coping skill.  If they can do it at ages 7, 5, and 3 … so can you.

Imagine if the whole world just simply stopped when they were angry and sat down wherever they were … pretzel legs … and counted to twenty.  Now that would be a brave new world.

Make the “anger” prayer your “pretzel legged sit down”. Stop the resentful thoughts from forming. No one should have that much power over you.  Take a moment. Breathe. Remember. You’re worth it.

I mean really. The early recovery questions of “should I hang with so and so?” to the seven year itch of “should I keep going to these damn meetings?” to relationships, friendships, family ties, what job to choose, does he like me, am I doing the right things … question question question … angst angst angst … bleck bleck bleck.

I ache sometimes to know which fork in the road to choose (I know you can’t relate *eye roll*). Which way lies the path of clarity and consistency?  I play the Ramone’s Should I Stay or Should I Go, just to mess with my head some and laugh out the wrinkles in my cognitive reasoning.  I want SO badly to believe in the fantasy ya know? That people are good and nice and have my best interest at heart.  That just ain’t the case sometimes sport.  There’s always … and yes I used that word … an agenda. Whether people realize it or not. Not always a “bad” one mind you, but an agenda nonetheless.

Is there such a thing as completely unconditional? No payoffs, no touchy feely, dudley-do-right, here lemme “help” you’s?  My head plays in fantasy island; the what if’s, could be’s, and if only’s. That’s crap. Real is real. And can be hurtful and brutal and cold. If I’m not my biggest fan, I’m fucked.  Cause you can be damn sure that people aren’t going to tote home my dirty drawers and wash em’ up all purty with their own.

Bottom line is just that.  What’s it gonna take … to take care of my lil’ ole soul? Sure ain’t the smooth talkin’ boys who say all the right words but fizzle out after they find out this girl ain’t that easy.  Friends, sponsors, family all are amazing. However they don’t lay on my pillow wiping away tears of lonely and afraid. I DO THAT. And I like that I do.

Steps and work are crucial to relative sanity and recovery. But me … loving me … and a power greater than wanting me to do so … is the only thing that counts when the rubber hits the road.  I make mistakes just like the rest of you … probably more so since I’m gullible girl and that’s okay.  Owning it, making it mine, taking responsibility for MY choices … makes the bitter pills bearable to swallow dry.

Should I stay or should I go? Only I know … I get clues or hints from well meaning loved ones. Truly my gut is the final judge. You know,  the place without words that causes bile to rise when something is whack. Years of work it’s taken me to listen to that voice.  It used to be a shrill nagger … now it’s Barry White. Smooth, silken tones of reason and clarity.  As I always tell my friends, “You already have all the answers … what’s keeping you from seeing them?”  *Heal thyself smart-ass*  Barry snickers.

I’m gonna go slip into my robe, groove to “can’t get enough of your love babe”, light a candle, and slow dance myself to sleep.  Angst can get bent.

Gut churning is a sign, along with a raised eyebrow or eye roll.  Something is not quite right here champ, take a gander at the internal flashing lights.  Inventory taking helps, as does talking with sponsor like folks or spiritual teachers worldwide.  In the end, however, we shine our own light on issues far and wide and will not be moved if our heels are dug in deep.

We all know the much cited Einsteinian definition of insanity … repetition with like results equals “duh”.  Beating bloody fists into the same issue over and over and over; shocked when it’s not different … this time.  Why try a different choice? Why take the risk of healthiness? Replay has worked so far right? I mean doing the same things over and over is familiar and comfortable (see prior blog “Shitty Diaper” for further reference).

Spirit (gut, conscience, god, belief, karma, et cetera), won’t let us get away with it. Manifesting in a million ways it is a bitch of Jiminy Cricket;  stomach pain stress levels, sweaty palms and sleepless nights lend themselves to the pounding of the “real” inside coming out.  Get out the rolaids and take an ambien, it’ll be okay.  Until it’s not.  When the unspoken screams to be heard “STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE” bleed to the brain, then we begin the process of change.

Recovery process (those silly steps again sheesh) in essence helps us to listen to the internal mumbling by erasing all the justifications rattling our brain.  No excuses leaves an open window for spiritual awareness.  Meditation becomes meaningful and really listening to those around us with an open heart leads to “AHA” moments worldwide.  Take a listen, write out the pro’s and con’s with a red sharpie, ask and ask and ask some more … when someone loves you enough to give their take,  this time really listen.

Spiritually absent or spiritually aware?

Well … by now you just may have got the whole praying thing down. Meditation?? What in the sam hell is that? Being still, calm, listening, release… I dunno what it is for you but for me it’s clarity in action (or inaction whatever the case may be)

Revel in the stillness. Take time everyday to be.

Simply be.

Mindful. Aware. Awake.

We often speak of meditating in recovery. How to begin? How to listen? Be in your space. BE AWARE. BE STILL.  Take a deep breath and let it flow. Calm the voices in your head and listen to the silence.

This takes much discipline and practice. It changes everything.

BE MINDFUL.

BE.