Hard for me to say I’m sorry … and no I’m not talking Peter Cetera in the cheesy 80′s Chicago years. What is I’m sorry anyway? Is it an amends. I’m famous for saying “no sorries necessary”. But am I being a bit too hasty? Step nine tells me that to make amends means more than just words. But words matter too don’t they? When we make an amends after finding out that the people we had thought wronged us (in our step four inventory) had no bearing on OUR part in things.  It tells me over and over and over yet again in the big blue book that has taught me how to live, that I CANNOT look at other people’s behavior today. Can’t afford to be angry or a “grouch” or “brainstorm”. Sure people have hurt us but if we continue to focus on that malarky … we are doomed to live in resentment. Over and over and over yet again. We ALL know where that gets us yes? It got me drunk a time or thousand.

So. Back to amends and the whole forgiveness spiel and why they are important and what it all means *deep breath – watch out people I’m in run on sentence mode*… Okay we know that when we make amends it means to make RESTITUTION (if possible). Financially and otherwise. If you’ve slandered another you make it right by saying you were wrong to whomever you dumped on… if you owe institutions money or whatnot – you must make it up to them the best you can (payment plans work well here people – my credit card company says this is so. true story) When it comes to poor behavior towards someone else (emotional cruelty, withdrawing, withholding affection, arousing jealousy bitterness and suspiciousness … gee i hope these sound familiar. it’s ALL in the directions for the fourth step inventory which I hope you did as it is outlined in the big book. If not let me know … I love that step and could write a hundred blogs on that alone. I’m a step fiend.)

*cracks knuckles*

So everything I’ve read is that step nine is an ACTION step. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO DIFFERENT TO NOT BE THE SHIT I WAS BEFORE? Yowch. Being honest, forthcoming, sincere, doing everything in our power to make right what we had done ‘not well’ in our sickness. And yes… we are SICK people trying to get well. (I saw someone dissing the disease model and it yanked my chain… saying it was an “out”. Well out this … if you are SICK with a TREATABLE ILLNESS you CAN RECOVER. If you’re just a worthless piece of crap – well … I’m not so sure that can change. Physically and mentally different than our fellows people. Straight from the founders mouths. If you think you CHOSE to be a worthless piece of dung than I’m not sure that can get any better … but if you are ill (and there IS a treatment … daily reprieve) then take your damn medicine (recovery) and YOU WILL GET BETTER. It’s that simple for me. Saying I was sick made me responsible for the outcome. Think of a diabetic that refuses insulin and swells up like a balloon. Same concept. But I digress … I mean the AMA’s trained physicians could be wrong about physiological predisposition or tolerance or or or … okay shut up Amy. Nuff said.) hmmph.

Back on track. Step nine = action step. Make restitution when possible unless it would hurt another (and NO that does NOT mean you or your pride. fer shitsakes.) It means the woman you cheated on your wife with does NOT need to be named so she can be jumped on … by your wife. It means you don’t tell your sweet old mother that you sucked off strangers to cop. It means you don’t destroy … to make yourself feel expunged from guilt. (see your sponsor for further details) That brings me back to the “I’m sorry” question that I still haven’t answered.

Basic human kindness and compassion tells me that a genuine heart felt apology has merit. Does it mean anything if said over and over and over? Prolly not. But if said in humility and followed with “… and I will try my very best to NOT do it again” it may be just the thing. I dunno. I’m still stumped. But one thing is for sure … actions speak a lot louder than words could ever do. Be well this night my friends.

Coping skills. We all have them. Gleaned from life experience they protect us (we think) from the outside stimuli battering at our psyche. How we deal with what life can throw at us … matters.  Some of these “skills” are faulty. Twisted into unhealthy behaviors that create more problems than they solve. Sometimes tools break and don’t work the way they were intended. Talk about monkey wrenches being thrown in the works. Jeeze.

If I don’t feel good about me today … what do I do to make ME feel better? Focus on other people’s misery or misfortune to make my life feel brighter? Flirt with any man that comes along to feel attractive? Stomp around and make others walk on eggshells? Yell for no reason? Make “irritated” my middle name? Yes this is exaggerated but truly think about the world at large; most people shrug and say “I’m just made this way. I’m having a bad day because of you and you and you over there.”

In recovery I have a chance to break this cycle. To stop blaming other people, places, and things for MY behavior.  What a gift that is. No longer can I get away with saying “You made me” or “It’s all his fault” or “If only she would do things MY way I’d be happy.” (Well you could say those things but if your sponsor or support people are worth a hoot … they’ll call you on it every time)

Basic premise of recovery – YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. Meaning every action you take, every word out of your mouth, every look, every cranky moment is YOUR MESS TO CLEAN UP.  No longer can we blame the world for our issues; we have tools now to resolve the painful that comes at us seemingly from every turn.

What a relief really. I mean think about it, how much time and energy did we expend trying to control the world to conform to our way of thinking? That’s a helluva lot of work ya know. For me … it is bliss. No matter what whirlwind swirls around me I can use the tools so lovingly given (steps … sheesh) to keep the focus on the things I can change. Me.

Are your coping skills still faulty? Take a look. Bite your tongue the next time you want to gossip. Stop yourself from saying “You MADE me”. Inventory what works and what doesn’t … and get rid of the junk. Replace with positive behaviors … ask your sponsor for more details. *big smile* You can make a choice every single day to pick up your tools and get busy. Choose recovery.

Yeah. Overused topic. But with a twist. Any given night you can be sure that the topic of any 12 step meeting could very well be “gratitude”.  What are you grateful for? blah blah. Now I’m not mocking … for once. This is important.

I’ve been to a few meetings on this topic. More like a few hundred.  Okay possibly a thousand. I’ve got almost twenty years of meetings under my belt. That’s not saying much really. Anyone can show up. Which is exactly my point in this bloggity blog.

Best comment ever heard on this subject. My first sponsor, in all her old-timerish-kentucky-bred-hard-core-lovable glory…

You can say you’re grateful all ya damn want. What are you DOING? Gratitude is an ACTION. Now get busy.

Gods above I miss that woman. Ruby with her ruby red slip on shoes. Taught me so very much with so few words.  Every time I’d say “I’m so grateful” with my 20 year old self, she’d spit and say “I don’t believe you. What are you doin’ to show it?”

Her point was that it was one thing to SAY something; an entirely different act altogether to show it.  If you’re grateful for your family or friends or job or spouse or recovery … what actions are you taking to prove that?  Words need to match behavior.

That… was a huge lesson for me. Still is.

If you’re anything like I am, and I have a sneaking suspicion you might very well be; I gave tons of lip service while using. “I’ll do better. Be better. Stop lying. Stop drinking. Stop stealing.” All the while still doing WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted HOW I wanted and with WHOM I wanted.  Just words. Meaningless without action to make it different. To make ME different.

So if I am in fact … grateful, what are my actions showing? Am I willing to go to any lengths to talk to newcomers? Am I showing recovery behaviors even in situations where I just plain don’t wanna? How’s my work ethic?  Am I spending quality time with my family (who I’m so grateful for)?

Or am I doing just enough… to get by?

Gratitude as an action. Sorta a show-me-don’t-tell-me sorta slant. And by “me” I don’t mean me personally. But the people in YOUR life, who matter; even and especially yourself.  So… whatcha DOIN?

“You are so bright and happy, even at work. Are you always like this or is there something wrong with you?”

To which, of course, I replied… A little of both. You see I like both aspects of this compliment/tease from one of my favorite people at work. First of all, I like that I’m seen as bright, which I am most days; and of course that it seems a little “odd” to someone NOT in recovery.  Both equal transparency. Both are absolutely 100% truth.

You see, we have a solution today. A seemingly infallible way to deal with whatever is ailing our addled brains. Twelve steps to rely on to clear out the wreckage of self and sick and twisted. A way out. A SOLUTION.  So that we don’t have to stay stuck.  Once you know the way out, it’s like riding a bicycle. A little wobbly at first yet the moment you begin your muscles instinctively remember how to pedal.

The steps are like that for me anyway.  I’ve been steppin’ times 12 for nearly two decades (with a brief intermission for idiocy).  I can tell a distinct difference when I don’t do a daily tenth step.  To be honest, this stumps some people in my life.  That I don’t put my issues ON them.  That I’d rather work through it and come back later to resolve if need be or simply let go of the situation. After close examination of my behavior and reactions, I am fully able to LET IT GO.  Make amends if necessary and after discussing with an objective party (usually my sponse/bff/killer cool bestie blonde chick – *waves at Kat*)  Checking things out with someone NOT in the situation is vital.  Yes. VITAL.

If left to my own devices, if I try to resolve things without really looking at my part? It gets ugly.  Definitely easier to blame you for my feelings and reactions than examine where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and afraid.  (Sound familiar??? It should.  It’s the fourth step inventory and for me the tenth step as well. Written. Yes.)

No matter WHAT someone else does to me, real or imagined; I cannot look at their part in things.  What’s important is the way I react.  That is ALL I am responsible for today.  What a relief really.  I mean if someone is being an ass (like people do from time to time), I look at my part.

• How did I want this person to think and act MY way? With no regard for the situation or perception, when I want YOU to do what I want YOU to do; it is FAIL. Selfish.
• What behavior did I exhibit in response to your behavior? Did I knee-jerk, as I am wont to do? Did I get pissy or angry or yell or cry to get my way? Did I arouse bitterness or suspicion? Did I talk behind your back? Did I punish you in some way?  This is Self Seeking.
• Did I lie and say nothing was wrong? Did I lie out of self preservation? Did I omit details to make myself look better? Dishonest.
• Was I afraid of your reaction? What you think of me? What the repercussion would be? Was fear filling my gullet like an impregnated sperm whale? Afraid.

This is my 10th step. This is what keeps the crap from building up inside stroking my sick; my guided meditative directions that prevent me from falling back into the same patterns of addictive thinking.  THIS … is my daily housecleaning. How I was taught by the oldtimers, how I keep MY behavior in the forefront instead of blaming ALL OF YOU … for my issues.  Like windex for the soul, it is my salvation most days.

Now some don’t get this at all. A few that are close to me, and you know who you are, want to address things right on the spot.  To which I simply say … I need to process this first and then I’ll get back to you.  The issue is mine, or at least feels that way, and I have to look at my stuff. Nine times out of ten, it’s resolved quickly and the emotional boo boo is kissed by the lips of the tenth step.

What a revelation, gift, tool, blessing … freedom. To not be burdened by trying to control others emotions and behavior? Freakin’ priceless.  This leads to my mostly sunny days.  Sure I cry. Yes it’s not always sunshine and roses. But I embrace those days too as it can’t be sunny ALL the time.  Fortunately in my world there is just enough tears raining down to make the flowers grow.  Just… enough.

And for the second part of this morning’s comment? The “is there something wrong with you?” question?  Well. Duh. I just explained that.  There’s tons wrong with me. It’s my natural inclination as an alcoholic to be selfish. To want others to think and act MY way. The “if only” syndrome. If only people would … do what I wanted the world would be a better place.  How arrogant.

These days I’m satisfied, most days, to accept my flaws and imperfections and to know that I’m NOT in charge.  I like that.  If I were in charge? Whoa baby, we’d all be in trouble.  So yes, with step work, I can remain positive. And YES, there’s lots of things wrong with “me”.  I’m completely and totally okay with both.  Not to mention grateful.  But that’s another blog entirely.  Step ten saves my ass every single time. Thank the gods … whomever they may be.

Been down so long that I’m lookin’ up from the floor.  ~ Ruby S.

(and not in that ‘good come get me big boy’ kinda laying on the floor either. which is another topic altogether. not relevant. shush.)

Knowing what to expect, even and especially when that expectation is self-fulfilled and self-propelled time and time and time … again. Where everything is flip flopped and good is bad and right is wrong and fail is all I’ve ever known.  I felt this way in early recovery. Back as a nineteen year old drunk who was going to treatment to keep my fast ass outta jail. (didn’t work by the way but i looked damn good in orange)

Everything ‘healthy’ was so strange like an infomercial at 3 AM with an overly exuberant Jay ‘The Juiceman’ Kordich where his epically bushy eyebrows talk to me about the power of BEING HEALTHY and how everything in my life will change if would just juice this damn pineapple!!!! (do NOT ask me how I know this. I shan’t tell you. no matter how much you beg)

Feelings being shared. Kindness. Understanding. Not being allowed to make ANY more excuses.  Felt like an uncomfortable hug being held just a little too long.  I’m not really the touchy feely type anyway … unless with my kids or my epically handsome boyfriend.  Then all bets are off baby. Kisses all around.  Otherwise I value personal space immensely.  And to have all these people hand shaking hugging and all up in my grill? Oh hell no.

Of course it changed.  Because I allowed it to sink in through osmosis.  That there was indeed hope to be found in recovery and I didn’t have to believe the lies that my head slammed into the brick wall day after day.  I wasn’t sick but bad.  I could never change.  These people were crazy. (okay some things haven’t changed but I’m getting better. promise.)

This still happens today in different ways.  As I sit here I realize that one of my biggest fears is of … success.  Perhaps I actually CAN achieve my dreams.  I CAN have a healthful loving relationship (and am). The future is bright.  IF I succeed, then I am responsible.  Big-word-don’t-like-it-not-even-a-little.  Swimming in a sea of responsibility with three children, overbearing parents, work, work, work, and then writing (which isn’t work REALLY but IS time consuming); I feel so spread thin that I channel transparency – aka ‘the glass whisperer’.  A life well lived is a busy life blah blah blah. Whatever.

But it’s about taking that next uncomfortable step.  Whatever that may be.  Whether getting your ass to that meeting you don’t want to go to or picking up that 100 pound phone or a new job or a new place to live or submitting writing or finishing this damn book I’m working on in the short spaces left over in between responsibility and sleep.  *deep breath* K.

There is a spark.  That will not die. That says “keep at it no matter what”.  Recovery has given me that spark, for before 1992, up was down, good was bad, and right was wrong. (as much as I despise those words … they fit. poetic license people)  Having the wisdom to know the difference makes me accountable to KEEP seeking that next goal, step, jump, slither, baby step.

Thank the gods, whomever they may be, that it’s a process.  Too much happiness slammed on me all at once might damn near kill me.  I can do pain, sorrow, misery with panache and flair and look damn good doing it too. (damn straight)  But this ‘no drama’ thing happening since I got my head out of my proverbial ass?  Holy crap. It’s a doozy.

So responsibility begets accountability begets accessibility to the idea that I can be more. Do more. Achieve more. And recovery (you inanimate thing that I have personified so often), I thank you. Recovery. It’ll love you back.

Using every superhuman power at our disposal, we justify and rationalize and shuck and jive … to try to use like ‘normal’ folk. (Which by the way is laughable. We want to use alcoholically without consequences. Normal – whatever that is – folk could care less if someone told them that drinking would hurt them. sheesh.)

Of course being the good recovery girl that I am (don’t roll your eyes at me people), I like to apply healthful principles to ALL my affairs. (not the good kind of affairs either… wait … nevermind.)  How easy it is for me to be able to see the whole drinking-using paradigm clearly (thank the gods) but how difficult it can be to apply to the rest of my life.  You know.  The every day stuff.  Like relationships. Work. Family. Writing. Blah blah yadda yadda.

It’s almost as if I can run at full blast towards the same brick wall ovah and ovah and ovah again thinking THIS time I’ll make it ovah.  And have the nerve to act surprised when I smack into it again and again.  Boom baby for the umpteenth time.

It’s not the big stuff. THAT I can deftly sidestep like a subtle waltz.  I’ve been dance partners with trauma for a few years now.  I know that dance.  The little things can knock me in the knickers. I try to use the same old same old coping techniques that haven’t worked for thirty years.  Example? Oh I spose so.

I’ve had it ingrained in me since pretty much birth that authority figures are … well … god. Don’t backtalk. Don’t sass back. DON’T you dare have an opinion. The authority figure is never wrong … even when they’re wrong.  Parental influence of course. Which is totally – ummm sorta – okay.  Well at least I can’t change what my past has been … better? K? K.  I can only change my perception and how it affects me. And baby … it AFFECTS me.

Bosses. Teachers. Authority. Where approval counts. Kicks me in the proverbial crotch every single ever lovin’ time.  Subconscious physical response kicks in and if I think I’ve done something wrong (whether I have or NOT) I blush, stammer, and get nervous. YES. Me.  Even been known to cry. You have NO idea how much I despise this.  This core belief that I always have had to ‘make up’, that I’m never good enough, that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I got to work. Examined every little nook and cranny of the ‘ish’.  I reacted the same way over and over and yes … over again. Figured out the how and the why of it. Challenged the belief message. Listed all my qualities and got into the ‘reality’ of the deal.  So instead of stumbling and bumbling or overcompensating with epic bitchism, I learned to rationally emote and speak in an even tone with conviction. 

Truly this is part of my daily 10th step which most times is written.  My personal insanity on a page to show me what is true and false.  Us recovery folks have a hard time with that you know.  So if you’ve got a brick wall or twenty (that you’re aware of … which is an entirely different blog) stop.  Write. Challenge. In ALL areas of life. Get into some advanced thinking here.  If there’s a problem that occurs ovah and ovah and … yeah you get the idea … then perhaps it’s time to shed some light on the subject.

And if I blush profusely in your presence … it’s probably either because you just complimented me (which is awesome) or a shame message has been triggered.  In which case you’ll find me hours later at the keyboard nails furiously clicking in defiance because I simply refuse to be a puppet to my sick.  Let’s make 2011 mindful.

We’re always waiting for the next big thing to happen or to ‘get over’ whatever problem we’re having now.  Thinking that when ‘this or that’ happens life will really take off. What we fail to realize is that life is what happens while we’re waiting.

Yes it’s paraphrased and YES the original quote was better but you get the idea.  Always so concerned with what’s gonna happen next we can stumble over our own two feet.  Especially with the holidays coming up, whether it’s gonna be a ‘good’ christmas or not so much, it’s easy to get lost in the “what’s coming up next” or “god can this be over with already?”.

I do it. List maker, organized (sorta), gotta-get-stuff-done-ism or I’ll-be-better-when-this-happens-sorta-stuff.  Can’t wait for vacation and santa and mistletoe and ho ho ho boom chicka wow wow.  Sorta spoils the life moment that is being experienced right now.

One of my daily goals is mindfulness.  To be exactly in that moment and give it my full attention. Whether it be wrapping presents or relaxing with a hot cappuccino in silence. Sights, sounds, smells, texture, emotions, be it epic awesomeness or excruciating ick – most times it’s in between – but it’s ALL good.  When my children chatter I try to LISTEN.  Now true listening is hard work and requires complete focus and attention.  Amazing what you can glean from a 7 year old chatting for five minutes without taking a breath.  It’s glorious.

Being at work and wanting to be home, I attempt to make meaningful connections with others instead of the “wanting” to be with ninjas all the time.  Eye contact and a genuine “How are you” versus rote responses.  Gifts untold can happen when you’re present for life.   My whole life has been changed with just a few words from a stranger. Seriously.

Even in the “ick” times, being conscious of my thoughts and feelings and seeing the beauty of crying and the relief that it can bring.  Reminding myself that it’s all part of the process and for any good growth, rain MUST fall.  Written 10th step inventories on how I interacted that day and being appreciative of the screw ups just as much as the ‘happy’ times.

Recovery teaches me that ‘one day at a time’ is key.  And this has most times been in conjunction with not using just for one day.  Not picking up for just a small manageable bit of time instead of the enormity that is forever or “ever-again-ism”.  It makes it feasible, well for me anyway.  I can do anything one day at a time right?  How bout we flip the script and see the one day at a time thing as making each day memorable? That this day… where you are right now … this “present” is glorious.

Reach down and really take stock in this moment.  What does it smell like, look like, taste like, what can you hear, what feeling does it bring?  The most ordinary of hum drum days can be kick ass when mindful.  For me this brings focus and positive energy to everything I’m doing.  One moment, one heartbeat, one click on the clock, one deep breath, one blink of an eye, one single smile, one sip of nectar of the god’s coffee, one kiss from your child, one single step … can all be magical.  If you have the eyes to see and heart to feel.

This takes the whole one day at a time thing to killer heights. All sorts of people teach mindfulness.  Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches such things and how mindfulness can decrease stress and generally improve your life. Below is just one of his teachings … much more can be found on you-tubage.

Other great resources…

• Stop Thinking and Start Living by Richard Carlson
• Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
• Buddhism: The Plain Facts by Robert Mann & Rose Youd

So. Focus on the moment. This one. Meditation and inner exploration say this is necessary.  And be well no matter what’s going on in this cluster-fukked-beauteous-amazing-wondrous-mish-mosh-pit thing we call life. Life in each moment. That is the ever giving present.  And speaking of presents, I would like a laptop from Santa if you’re making out lists and whatnot. Let him know k? K.  *mistletoe smooches*

It happens without our even knowing. An event, person, word, gesture, object.  Situation, during which some internal button is stomped on, leaving us frazzled and worn and nervous and in some cases – wanting to use … bad.  I’ve heard of times where people who are seemingly just “fine”, get a switch flipped and aren’t so “okay”.  Could be people glorifying using, in old environments, being around certain family members that … TRIGGER old sick ways of thinking and believing. In the extreme example, wanting to use again.

Triggers (yes this is a treatment word. so? people have learned things in the last 50 years about addiction. why not use it? of course I’m a former Addictions Counselor so … yeah. Triggers.)  According to Relapse Prevention (.org)

The 10 most common relapse triggers:

1. Being in the presence of drugs or alcohol, drug or alcohol users, or places where you used or bought chemicals.
2. Feelings we perceive as negative. Particularly anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear, and anxiety.
3. Positive feelings that make you want to celebrate.
4. Boredom.
5. Getting high on any drug.
6. Physical pain.
7. Listening to war stories and just dwelling on getting high.
8. Suddenly having a lot of cash.
9. Using prescription drugs that can get you high even if you use them properly.
10. Believing that you no longer have to worry (complacent). That is, that you are no longer stimulated to crave drugs/alcohol by any of the above situations, or by anything else. Therefore believing it’s safe for you to use occasionally.

Actually this goes along with many of the “slogans” in recovery speak.  Dry people dry places, HALT, Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, One Day at a Time … you get the idea.  Words that have a way of seeping in even if we don’t realize it. You’re probably thinking “Sass DUH. We already know this stuff.” Okay okay okay … you’re totally right. Or do we really know? Do you inventory daily? When is the magical moment when right becomes wrong and we can no longer “differentiate the true from the false?” (Big Book. find the page. it’s in the beginning)

What about those of us with “time”?  What about the triggers that are elusive, and not just early recovery focused? What about refraining from being a “dry drunk”? How do you stay MINDFUL??? What triggers your depression or irritation? How do you stay spiritual in the face of extreme adversity? How do go from working the steps to LIVING THEM INNATELY?

My new facebook friend Terry Gorski says (yay he rocks), who I’ve studied for nearly twenty years. (former counselor dies hard in a person) I recommend anything he writes to ANYONE in recovery …

“People who relapse aren’t suddenly taken drunk.  Most experience progressive warning signs that reactivate denial and cause so much pain that self-medication with alcohol or drugs seems like a good idea.  This is not a conscious process.  These warning signs develop automatically and unconsciously.  Since most recovering people have never been taught how to identify and manage relapse warning signs, they don’t notice them until the pain becomes too severe to ignore.”

read further for his CENAPS model of Relapse Prevention – Nine steps to awareness of disease symptomology. Priceless information. Terry is a rock star. (yes this is a link. webmaster SOOOO needs to fix this. sheesh.)

One thing I know from MY personal experience is … relapse happens a very long time before the event actually occurs.  Little bits of depression, listless, hopeless, helpless seep back into the crevices of my mind; taking over the subconscious even WHILE doing the basic recovery work.

Be aware of your finger on the triggers. Your pointer can be used for better things. Like nose picking or pointing upwards for emphasis. Maybe even poking the sleeping guy in a meeting when it’s his turn to share. What? It could happen.

So. That being said. It’s not a right or wrong thing. No need for defenses in this endeavor. We all have the same sick. Different symptoms perhaps but same disease attacking our inner winner. Be mindful today… without judgment. And know that surrendering to the idea that we can’t do this alone = WIN. Use all tools at your disposal.  Be well this day.

Just not thinking about it sounds fun. For anyone I’ve ever met in the rooms this has been categorized as ‘stuffing’ or ‘avoiding’. Damn. Umm.  Acting as if the person, place, thing, or situation doesn’t matter, when it obviously does? Oh snap. That won’t work either.  That means resentment. Revolving door of non-resolution-ism. Gerbil wheel. Ugh. Nope.  Scratching that same ole same ole record in a non old skool sorta way to where you irritate most everyone you’re around.  Scratch – drama – scratch – drama … oh yeah big FAIL.

Only way to resolve ‘it’ – whatever that IT may be … is step work. Dangit. Aren’t you tired of falling victim to your emotions? People or things playing you like a violin with broken strings, plucking the discord chords until your ears bleed? I’d say. I remember that feeling of obsessive impulsiveness over and over and over.

Resent meaning refeeling the ick every time it’s brought into consciousness. Whether anger or helplessness or despair or lack of worthiness.  If you could step outside of yourself for even a moment to see how this looked on you … you’d run out of the dressing room and break the mirror.  And that’s what we are to each other in recovery. Mirrors.  So that we can see our behavior through other people’s reflections.  Otherwise known as … RELATING. Been in a meeting and thought “OMG! I’ve felt that way!” Yep. THAT.

So if you’re fortunate enough to be able to SEE your ick … it’s time to get rid of it.  Steps steps steps.  No whining. In order to get better you have to do the work. No one ever said you had to like it. No one ever said you had to even “want” to do the work.  They just say, if they’re worth their anonymous salt, DO THE STEPS. Inventories are a beautiful thing. Promise. You might not appreciate their beauty in the middle of the process but TRUST the process.

Look at yourself.  If you’re filled with anger and pain all the time … what kind of existence is that?  I always hear lots of grumbling and fear attached to the fourth step.  Personally I couldn’t wait to get rid of the crap that had been blocking me.  And there was lots.

I spose’ it’s a matter of responsibility. Because once you KNOW … you can no longer claim ignorance.  Once you see in black and white the resentments controlling you, blaming others for our behavior no LONGER APPLIES.  No more excuses. All up to you now to change the things in you that are keeping you sick.  I totally get that.  I played the victim role for years. That was my calling card. “Yeah but if you had lived MY life …” blah blah puke.

This is your time to LEARN how to let go.  Of resentment, of mind numbing fear, of indecision and self doubt, of SICK.  Grab a sponsor type. Get busy with a fourth step. (Yeah blog post coming up to address JUST that step … soon) If you’re doing the ten through twelve shimmy, do a written tenth.  Just running through my day in my head works sometimes but I’ve found that writing it out reveals so much more.

First you figure out WHAT to let go of and THEN … let “it” go.  There is a process to all this you know.  They’re called 12 steps and they are what keep us sober/clean.  Fellowship or the unity of community,  goes a long way, as does service work.  But the symbol for AA anyway, is a triangle for a REASON.  It’s called the Three Legacies. Unity, Service, Recovery.  Three of three is the goal.  Not just one. Or two. 3/3 makes a whole. Three point shot of win.

The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous have given to each of us three great Legacies: Recovery, Unity, and Service.

Our First Legacy, Recovery, has given us a second chance to find happiness and freedom; to live useful and productive lives.

Our Second Legacy, Unity, has provided us with a fellowship made up of people who share our own common problem; who give us the love and support necessary to maintain our sobriety.

Our Third Legacy, Service offers us the opportunity to implement our primary goal “to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers”.

Most important – it is a proven fact – that those who participate in service have a significantly better chance at staying sober than those who do not.

~ click this LINK to hear a 19 minute talk by Bill Wilson on the three legacies.

So. Making coffee, hanging out with other anonymous types, and DOING THE STEPS.  These three will help you learn … to let “it” go. Not simply fuggetaboutit. But clean slate. CLEAN SLATE! How cool would THAT be? To not carry around the weight of the world Atlas shoulder style anymore? Can you IMAGINE what it would be like to not care so much what other people think? To not judge yourself (or others for that matter) because it’s OKAY to be where you’re at? To be calm in maelstroms and have a way to resolve angst? To not be afraid to feel what you need to feel and love your own vulnerability? To not make assumptions or take every little thing personally (because 99% of the time … what other people do IS NOT about you anyway)?

*sigh* Trust me. Okay don’t. Trust your sponsor or those other yokels you see that have what you want. Peace of mind. Serenity. Freedom from the bondage of self.  They’ve done the work … to let go.  You can too.

I HAD the answer! Hallelujah! Listen to me give testimony my people!  The grocery store clerks pretty much hid when I walked in the room as well as the gas station attendants down the street. The half deaf librarian was cool with my rants as I checked out lots of ‘self help’ books and had the perma-grin of an idiot savant. I had “IT”.  And as time progressed, it was my obligation to share “IT” with anyone who would listen.

Yes, yes, I’m sure you’re saying ‘we all go through something like this’  or ‘what’s your point blondie?’ or ‘what’s wrong with having zeal for recovery?’.  To that I say sure we do, I’m getting to the damn point, and not a thing.  Problem comes in when the holier than thou aka I know better than you ie I’m Super Sober or Captain Clean show comes around to a meeting near you.

The one with all the answers. The one who takes it so to heart when their sponsee doesn’t do what THEY want … the one who HAS to be heard at every meeting every time.  You’ve gotta know the one. And hey honestly I was that chick. Oh yeah.  Sponsoring a plethora of new girls, running my every lovin’ arse off without a thought for my own family, or sleep, or eating, or umm … yeah well you get the idea. And then you have the ones that’ll yell or scream in a newcomers face.  Sooo much different than the streets no?

There’s no judge here. I’m so not qualified to do that. Not even a little.  What I can share is the idea of bouncing off the walls to find the middle.  That I ran myself ragged ‘helping’ people to the detriment of me.  That I was so embroiled in the recovery fellowship that I didn’t apply the steps internally.  That I would have never been able to admit this in a million years due to my enormous ego and need to be right.  That my recovery had not internalized to a spot where it became innate versus forced, that ‘living’ the steps had not yet become a way of life. I had a brand on my ass spelled A R R O G A N T but couldn’t see it regardless of the size of my tuckus.

I think there’s a process in the midst of recovery. The new people that really ‘get’ it. The exuberance, the zest, the love for recovery that is exciting and raw and beautiful.  In my case verging on annoying.  Okay I WAS annoying. I have witnesses.  Then there comes the gleaning of knowledge with stepwork.  Self discovery and working out the kinks to maintain abstinence and a modicum of healthiness through vigorous honesty and willingness.  Then comes the expansion of recovery (just from my viewpoint of course. Hatemail is always answered in the order received per norm.). The what now???  The reading of Tolle and Walsh and Ruiz and (oh umm The Power of Now,  Conversations with God, The Four Agreements respectively).  Delving into the expansion of deeper consciousness. Questing for more. Searching for truth.

You know. There’s not a damn thing wrong with that.

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Recovery is a baseline.  What is needed to get and stay sober/clean.  Searching for greater truths is indicative of a healthful mind.  As long as one doesn’t forget where they came from, positive growth is a powerful thing.  Part of the process.  And then comes …

Unconditional positive regard for all life.

See an oldtimer of the non-cantankerous variety near you.  Kindness and spirit filled, seeing each tree and the forest in one fell swoop.  Never judging other folks paths.  Not seeing the “lack of recovery” in anyone else. But simply glad that other folks are even on the damn path.

Zeal in recovery is exciting and refreshing but needs the balancing balm of stepwork to sustain. Recovery behaviors transmuted to the rest of the world in a way I describe as LIFEWORK. Exuberance only takes us so far. Long term happiness is dependent on internalization of recovery akin to breathing.  Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth steps come naturally. Rhythmic in it’s movements … an innate lifestyle of ‘practicing these principles in all our affairs’.  The knowing that it takes true courage to simply be kind, and let people be where they are.

Thanks to the gods that be, whomever or whatever they are, that people tolerated my sick rump.  I always wondered why some oldtimers would sigh and shake their heads and smile kindly when I got all big book thumperish at meetings, at the tender age of twenty-something no less.  Patience and tolerance are our code.  I believe this may be the final result of the whole process. Not drinking/drugging flavored with compassion. Sorta like the warm fuzzy ‘awwwwww’ you get when you see pictures like this:

Be the kitty. Love the kitty. Everyone loves cute kitty pictures unless they’re demented or soul-less. Either case bleck.  Next time someone does something you don’t like at a meeting or at work or in life … think kitties … think compassion … and know that everyone is at their particular crossroads in the journey.  Teach the kitty. Play with the kitty. But know that kitty is learning. (and omg ENOUGH with the cat references. ewww) Hey at least TRY IT …  at least maybe you’ll be too busy laughing at my dumb-ass to even care what other people are doing. And maybe even give Captain Clean or Super Sober Girl a hug and a kind smile.  Hey stranger things have happened. yes? yes.

Internalize compassion.  You’ll be ever so glad you did.