Who exactly ARE these “winners” that everyone keeps talking about sticking with??? I mean really… how do you know who to talk to or whom you should run the hell away from? People can appear to be anything they choose …  at first. Appearances are deceiving and talk is a cheap 10 dollar hooker who looks great from a distance.  I’ve made the mistake several times (those who know me are nodding EMPHATICALLY right now) of being very trusting … but only to a point.  Always, always, and again I say foghorn leghorn style ALWAYS … something, on the gut level, told me to be careful. People in the 12 step world will OFTEN spout stick with the winners. Even the “losers” (opposite of winners … I would prefer “sickers” but hey … parameters) will say these golden words with a sickly silver tongue.  My take on what attributes to avoid and what ones to look for in connections with people … not only recovery but everywhere.

We will start with the obvious and move to the more abstract here people.  Ass grabbing, asshattery, know-it-all, negativity seeping through the skin tight jeans. Judgmental, holy roller, sad sack, nothing is right with the world and all it’s denizens. Shifty, sketchy, “let’s have coffee at my place cutie”, used car salesman (offense intended) greasy, gossipy bitter betty’s laughing at the new girl with thick black eyeliner (yeah that was me bitch … and I ain’t new NO mo’).  Angry, zealot, yelling, in your face spittle, with a shame chaser for not doing what “they say”.The idea of being genuine. Too much happy, too much angst, too much of TOO much. Well, it’s just too much.  No one can be one way all the time – warning wil robinson danger approaches!

NOW … having said all that garbage. I’m really okay with people being that way. It’s where they’re at and most times they don’t perceive their actions with clarity … I mean we’re always the last to know … yanno?  I, like many others, have the eyes to see with compassion and let people “be” where they are.  It wasn’t always so … when I was new I trusted and trusted and trusted and OUCH.  So let this old scarred burned hand tell you from having the experience of touching the stove one too many times … what healthy can look like.  (Paraphrased from my first sponsor back in 92)

Kind, content, non-judgmental but firm, compassionate and sincere, never hear a bad word about a person (thick eyeliner or no).  Comments from the heart whether they be angry, sad, happy, or silly.  Easy to laugh and non drama making, cross talking and ego left at the door. No need for accolades, acts of kindness unspoken, gentleness with a ninja kick added for good measure.  Closemouthedness, keepin’ the real, not afraid to say the bad of the shitty day but quick to say how to resolve it.  Genuine and wise, sage lessons given freely without expectation.  The knowing that sponsorship is NOT ownership and people make their own choices.  Content in their skin without anything needed from you, unconditional love for the still suffering, slicing through shame like a hot knife in buttah.  The first one to approach the unapproachable, hand outstretched.  Sometimes these people are disliked for not playing the game. They are okay with that.  Self esteem wins out in the end. They don’t spout the steps, they live them, word and deed… life and breath.

Most of us fall in the middle somewhere I’d imagine. Work in progress, have a bad day or ninety, tough times, blah blah blah. But the phrase “Stick with the winners.” says to me that even if my ship is sinking, I can look for the hand that is love without condition, stuck out JUST BECAUSE they’ve been there too.  I see people bitchin’ all the time about sick people at meetings … you will find what you seek everytime. Focus on sick … that’s what you’ll get. Look for the bright… boomerang baby there’s the light.   What you focus on becomes reality… truly.  So eyes open and use this page for reference if need be. Checklist available upon request.  Trust your gut, deep way down. That’s where the real is … it will spot kindred spirits every time.   Next time we’ll discuss saying “Hi. My name is…”

It is … what it is.

Twisting and turning like the python in Pandora’s Box, life has a way of just “happening”.  It can happen TO us or we can be an active member of this late night R rated game show.  Put the kids to bed Ma … “life’s” on again.  Flip the channel to the dating game (omg), back to Days of our Jackasses soap style, DVR the news to watch when it’s okay to cry.  Common denominator is who is holding the remote.

Anything can be used for the HGH (human growth hormone I’ll save you the google). Yes even the Telenovelas give us sex tips on how to shake the inner latin mambo saying not a word.  I’m a judger. I admit it.  Work hard to cntrl alt del the words good and bad from the inner Webster’s unabridged.  Experience is just that – no moniker of god/devil unless I choose it to be.  What is the right and wrong of it all really except past experiences bitch slapping me from behind the blonde?  (Oh yes this is another “perspective blog” … get down with it. it’s important)

How I choose to use the information dissemination that is my soul is entirely up to me.  “Without having experienced the deepest black of the night, how can you fully appreciate the beauty that is the sunrise?” ~ quote by Amy Gabriel *grin* paraphrased from 1992.  Even at 19 and new to the recovery game, I knew. Remembered rather.  Know those lessons that only little itty bitty babies have down?  You know.  Be nice, play fair, blah blah blah … THAT is what I strive to remember when life is a shit throwing monkey.

All in all it’s how I CHOOSE to see things.  Glass as half full, half empty, or just simply … there is a glass.  I love the glass.  *pets the glass* In the words of the great P Diddy “Can’t nobody hold me down” unless I buy it on some level. Introspection, with assistance of course, is vital in this channel changing digital world.  The how and why of it all … NOT to put on the zealot judge smock but look with an impartial eye and see how I can BE my highest thought today.  Always … in all ways.  Cookie cutter theology not allowed thank you.  Flow through the inner tv tube to bring the highest quality programming … forget the hijacked “free” cable.  Wonder what’s on PBS today?

So. We get sober/clean.  We go to meetings, get a sponsor, do stepwork … all the necessaries.  What now? How in the sam hell do I have FUN and not use?  All my receptor sites, gut level instincts, behaviors, and attitudes have focused on using for so long that fun seems to be a distant memory.  I used to see people laughing easily, totally comfortable with who they are, doing cheezy things like bowling or dancing; and think “How are they doing that?”.  I mean really.  NOT being messed up and doing really silly things with no inhibitions? They’ve got to be lying about their clean time. I mean OMG.

Then I got involved with young people’s conferences, Founders Day (being from Akron), sober dances, dry clubs, parties and on and on… and so on and so forth.  There is never a dull moment if you choose it that way. Within your vicinity right now, there are plans a brewin’. For clean dances, card parties, bonfires, conferences to liven up the deepest of the winter blahs. The secret here is INVOLVEMENT. Being part of a 12 step fellowship, means just that. Fellowshipping. Camaraderie in the form of shared pain and loss mystically transformed into laughing kinship and love.  In my meetings we say,

But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 132

It may seem hopeless.  We can’t go from rippin it up from dusk til dawn to sitting at home and knitting a flippin’ doily on a Saturday night. Get into it! Jump in the middle of the fellowship and see what happens. I know it’s scary sometimes. Trust me … getting sober as a young person was freaky.  I thought “I’ll never have fun again.” Man was I wrong.  If you’re bored in recovery then you need to open your eyes to whats out there. Camp outs and bar-b-ques and people playing their music stuff; skinny dipping sober (shhh about that one, that’s really between me and my sponsor), the satisfaction of laughing so hard after an all night sober party that my stomach is sore for days after. YES!!! It can SOO be like that.  Plan to hit an NA convention (from what I hear they’re EVERYWHERE),  go to Founder’s Day in June,  or international AA convention in Texas this summer, copy and paste this link into your browser and DO SOMETHING for sober’s sakes.

http://www.anonymousone.com/activities.htm

Love and laughter and joy and peace. You’ll find it here. So what if you’re afraid? We ALL were. Remember that everyone you meet in the rooms was new at one time. WE GET IT. So when we reach our hand out to you … know that it’s done by one who “gets” you. In a way no one else can know.

Kick your heels up. There’s a time for tears and doin’ the work but also a time to shake your groove thing, laugh your ass off, be silly and playful and sing bad karoake songs. We’ll laugh with you until our tummies ache. You’re not alone anymore and remember Rule 62 from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 149,

“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

Hard for me to say I’m sorry … and no I’m not talking Peter Cetera in the cheesy 80′s Chicago years. What is I’m sorry anyway? Is it an amends. I’m famous for saying “no sorries necessary”. But am I being a bit too hasty? Step nine tells me that to make amends means more than just words. But words matter too don’t they? When we make an amends after finding out that the people we had thought wronged us (in our step four inventory) had no bearing on OUR part in things.  It tells me over and over and over yet again in the big blue book that has taught me how to live, that I CANNOT look at other people’s behavior today. Can’t afford to be angry or a “grouch” or “brainstorm”. Sure people have hurt us but if we continue to focus on that malarky … we are doomed to live in resentment. Over and over and over yet again. We ALL know where that gets us yes? It got me drunk a time or thousand.

So. Back to amends and the whole forgiveness spiel and why they are important and what it all means *deep breath – watch out people I’m in run on sentence mode*… Okay we know that when we make amends it means to make RESTITUTION (if possible). Financially and otherwise. If you’ve slandered another you make it right by saying you were wrong to whomever you dumped on… if you owe institutions money or whatnot – you must make it up to them the best you can (payment plans work well here people – my credit card company says this is so. true story) When it comes to poor behavior towards someone else (emotional cruelty, withdrawing, withholding affection, arousing jealousy bitterness and suspiciousness … gee i hope these sound familiar. it’s ALL in the directions for the fourth step inventory which I hope you did as it is outlined in the big book. If not let me know … I love that step and could write a hundred blogs on that alone. I’m a step fiend.)

*cracks knuckles*

So everything I’ve read is that step nine is an ACTION step. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO DIFFERENT TO NOT BE THE SHIT I WAS BEFORE? Yowch. Being honest, forthcoming, sincere, doing everything in our power to make right what we had done ‘not well’ in our sickness. And yes… we are SICK people trying to get well. (I saw someone dissing the disease model and it yanked my chain… saying it was an “out”. Well out this … if you are SICK with a TREATABLE ILLNESS you CAN RECOVER. If you’re just a worthless piece of crap – well … I’m not so sure that can change. Physically and mentally different than our fellows people. Straight from the founders mouths. If you think you CHOSE to be a worthless piece of dung than I’m not sure that can get any better … but if you are ill (and there IS a treatment … daily reprieve) then take your damn medicine (recovery) and YOU WILL GET BETTER. It’s that simple for me. Saying I was sick made me responsible for the outcome. Think of a diabetic that refuses insulin and swells up like a balloon. Same concept. But I digress … I mean the AMA’s trained physicians could be wrong about physiological predisposition or tolerance or or or … okay shut up Amy. Nuff said.) hmmph.

Back on track. Step nine = action step. Make restitution when possible unless it would hurt another (and NO that does NOT mean you or your pride. fer shitsakes.) It means the woman you cheated on your wife with does NOT need to be named so she can be jumped on … by your wife. It means you don’t tell your sweet old mother that you sucked off strangers to cop. It means you don’t destroy … to make yourself feel expunged from guilt. (see your sponsor for further details) That brings me back to the “I’m sorry” question that I still haven’t answered.

Basic human kindness and compassion tells me that a genuine heart felt apology has merit. Does it mean anything if said over and over and over? Prolly not. But if said in humility and followed with “… and I will try my very best to NOT do it again” it may be just the thing. I dunno. I’m still stumped. But one thing is for sure … actions speak a lot louder than words could ever do. Be well this night my friends.

Coping skills. We all have them. Gleaned from life experience they protect us (we think) from the outside stimuli battering at our psyche. How we deal with what life can throw at us … matters.  Some of these “skills” are faulty. Twisted into unhealthy behaviors that create more problems than they solve. Sometimes tools break and don’t work the way they were intended. Talk about monkey wrenches being thrown in the works. Jeeze.

If I don’t feel good about me today … what do I do to make ME feel better? Focus on other people’s misery or misfortune to make my life feel brighter? Flirt with any man that comes along to feel attractive? Stomp around and make others walk on eggshells? Yell for no reason? Make “irritated” my middle name? Yes this is exaggerated but truly think about the world at large; most people shrug and say “I’m just made this way. I’m having a bad day because of you and you and you over there.”

In recovery I have a chance to break this cycle. To stop blaming other people, places, and things for MY behavior.  What a gift that is. No longer can I get away with saying “You made me” or “It’s all his fault” or “If only she would do things MY way I’d be happy.” (Well you could say those things but if your sponsor or support people are worth a hoot … they’ll call you on it every time)

Basic premise of recovery – YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. Meaning every action you take, every word out of your mouth, every look, every cranky moment is YOUR MESS TO CLEAN UP.  No longer can we blame the world for our issues; we have tools now to resolve the painful that comes at us seemingly from every turn.

What a relief really. I mean think about it, how much time and energy did we expend trying to control the world to conform to our way of thinking? That’s a helluva lot of work ya know. For me … it is bliss. No matter what whirlwind swirls around me I can use the tools so lovingly given (steps … sheesh) to keep the focus on the things I can change. Me.

Are your coping skills still faulty? Take a look. Bite your tongue the next time you want to gossip. Stop yourself from saying “You MADE me”. Inventory what works and what doesn’t … and get rid of the junk. Replace with positive behaviors … ask your sponsor for more details. *big smile* You can make a choice every single day to pick up your tools and get busy. Choose recovery.

Yeah. Overused topic. But with a twist. Any given night you can be sure that the topic of any 12 step meeting could very well be “gratitude”.  What are you grateful for? blah blah. Now I’m not mocking … for once. This is important.

I’ve been to a few meetings on this topic. More like a few hundred.  Okay possibly a thousand. I’ve got almost twenty years of meetings under my belt. That’s not saying much really. Anyone can show up. Which is exactly my point in this bloggity blog.

Best comment ever heard on this subject. My first sponsor, in all her old-timerish-kentucky-bred-hard-core-lovable glory…

You can say you’re grateful all ya damn want. What are you DOING? Gratitude is an ACTION. Now get busy.

Gods above I miss that woman. Ruby with her ruby red slip on shoes. Taught me so very much with so few words.  Every time I’d say “I’m so grateful” with my 20 year old self, she’d spit and say “I don’t believe you. What are you doin’ to show it?”

Her point was that it was one thing to SAY something; an entirely different act altogether to show it.  If you’re grateful for your family or friends or job or spouse or recovery … what actions are you taking to prove that?  Words need to match behavior.

That… was a huge lesson for me. Still is.

If you’re anything like I am, and I have a sneaking suspicion you might very well be; I gave tons of lip service while using. “I’ll do better. Be better. Stop lying. Stop drinking. Stop stealing.” All the while still doing WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted HOW I wanted and with WHOM I wanted.  Just words. Meaningless without action to make it different. To make ME different.

So if I am in fact … grateful, what are my actions showing? Am I willing to go to any lengths to talk to newcomers? Am I showing recovery behaviors even in situations where I just plain don’t wanna? How’s my work ethic?  Am I spending quality time with my family (who I’m so grateful for)?

Or am I doing just enough… to get by?

Gratitude as an action. Sorta a show-me-don’t-tell-me sorta slant. And by “me” I don’t mean me personally. But the people in YOUR life, who matter; even and especially yourself.  So… whatcha DOIN?

“You are so bright and happy, even at work. Are you always like this or is there something wrong with you?”

To which, of course, I replied… A little of both. You see I like both aspects of this compliment/tease from one of my favorite people at work. First of all, I like that I’m seen as bright, which I am most days; and of course that it seems a little “odd” to someone NOT in recovery.  Both equal transparency. Both are absolutely 100% truth.

You see, we have a solution today. A seemingly infallible way to deal with whatever is ailing our addled brains. Twelve steps to rely on to clear out the wreckage of self and sick and twisted. A way out. A SOLUTION.  So that we don’t have to stay stuck.  Once you know the way out, it’s like riding a bicycle. A little wobbly at first yet the moment you begin your muscles instinctively remember how to pedal.

The steps are like that for me anyway.  I’ve been steppin’ times 12 for nearly two decades (with a brief intermission for idiocy).  I can tell a distinct difference when I don’t do a daily tenth step.  To be honest, this stumps some people in my life.  That I don’t put my issues ON them.  That I’d rather work through it and come back later to resolve if need be or simply let go of the situation. After close examination of my behavior and reactions, I am fully able to LET IT GO.  Make amends if necessary and after discussing with an objective party (usually my sponse/bff/killer cool bestie blonde chick – *waves at Kat*)  Checking things out with someone NOT in the situation is vital.  Yes. VITAL.

If left to my own devices, if I try to resolve things without really looking at my part? It gets ugly.  Definitely easier to blame you for my feelings and reactions than examine where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and afraid.  (Sound familiar??? It should.  It’s the fourth step inventory and for me the tenth step as well. Written. Yes.)

No matter WHAT someone else does to me, real or imagined; I cannot look at their part in things.  What’s important is the way I react.  That is ALL I am responsible for today.  What a relief really.  I mean if someone is being an ass (like people do from time to time), I look at my part.

• How did I want this person to think and act MY way? With no regard for the situation or perception, when I want YOU to do what I want YOU to do; it is FAIL. Selfish.
• What behavior did I exhibit in response to your behavior? Did I knee-jerk, as I am wont to do? Did I get pissy or angry or yell or cry to get my way? Did I arouse bitterness or suspicion? Did I talk behind your back? Did I punish you in some way?  This is Self Seeking.
• Did I lie and say nothing was wrong? Did I lie out of self preservation? Did I omit details to make myself look better? Dishonest.
• Was I afraid of your reaction? What you think of me? What the repercussion would be? Was fear filling my gullet like an impregnated sperm whale? Afraid.

This is my 10th step. This is what keeps the crap from building up inside stroking my sick; my guided meditative directions that prevent me from falling back into the same patterns of addictive thinking.  THIS … is my daily housecleaning. How I was taught by the oldtimers, how I keep MY behavior in the forefront instead of blaming ALL OF YOU … for my issues.  Like windex for the soul, it is my salvation most days.

Now some don’t get this at all. A few that are close to me, and you know who you are, want to address things right on the spot.  To which I simply say … I need to process this first and then I’ll get back to you.  The issue is mine, or at least feels that way, and I have to look at my stuff. Nine times out of ten, it’s resolved quickly and the emotional boo boo is kissed by the lips of the tenth step.

What a revelation, gift, tool, blessing … freedom. To not be burdened by trying to control others emotions and behavior? Freakin’ priceless.  This leads to my mostly sunny days.  Sure I cry. Yes it’s not always sunshine and roses. But I embrace those days too as it can’t be sunny ALL the time.  Fortunately in my world there is just enough tears raining down to make the flowers grow.  Just… enough.

And for the second part of this morning’s comment? The “is there something wrong with you?” question?  Well. Duh. I just explained that.  There’s tons wrong with me. It’s my natural inclination as an alcoholic to be selfish. To want others to think and act MY way. The “if only” syndrome. If only people would … do what I wanted the world would be a better place.  How arrogant.

These days I’m satisfied, most days, to accept my flaws and imperfections and to know that I’m NOT in charge.  I like that.  If I were in charge? Whoa baby, we’d all be in trouble.  So yes, with step work, I can remain positive. And YES, there’s lots of things wrong with “me”.  I’m completely and totally okay with both.  Not to mention grateful.  But that’s another blog entirely.  Step ten saves my ass every single time. Thank the gods … whomever they may be.

Been down so long that I’m lookin’ up from the floor.  ~ Ruby S.

(and not in that ‘good come get me big boy’ kinda laying on the floor either. which is another topic altogether. not relevant. shush.)

Knowing what to expect, even and especially when that expectation is self-fulfilled and self-propelled time and time and time … again. Where everything is flip flopped and good is bad and right is wrong and fail is all I’ve ever known.  I felt this way in early recovery. Back as a nineteen year old drunk who was going to treatment to keep my fast ass outta jail. (didn’t work by the way but i looked damn good in orange)

Everything ‘healthy’ was so strange like an infomercial at 3 AM with an overly exuberant Jay ‘The Juiceman’ Kordich where his epically bushy eyebrows talk to me about the power of BEING HEALTHY and how everything in my life will change if would just juice this damn pineapple!!!! (do NOT ask me how I know this. I shan’t tell you. no matter how much you beg)

Feelings being shared. Kindness. Understanding. Not being allowed to make ANY more excuses.  Felt like an uncomfortable hug being held just a little too long.  I’m not really the touchy feely type anyway … unless with my kids or my epically handsome boyfriend.  Then all bets are off baby. Kisses all around.  Otherwise I value personal space immensely.  And to have all these people hand shaking hugging and all up in my grill? Oh hell no.

Of course it changed.  Because I allowed it to sink in through osmosis.  That there was indeed hope to be found in recovery and I didn’t have to believe the lies that my head slammed into the brick wall day after day.  I wasn’t sick but bad.  I could never change.  These people were crazy. (okay some things haven’t changed but I’m getting better. promise.)

This still happens today in different ways.  As I sit here I realize that one of my biggest fears is of … success.  Perhaps I actually CAN achieve my dreams.  I CAN have a healthful loving relationship (and am). The future is bright.  IF I succeed, then I am responsible.  Big-word-don’t-like-it-not-even-a-little.  Swimming in a sea of responsibility with three children, overbearing parents, work, work, work, and then writing (which isn’t work REALLY but IS time consuming); I feel so spread thin that I channel transparency – aka ‘the glass whisperer’.  A life well lived is a busy life blah blah blah. Whatever.

But it’s about taking that next uncomfortable step.  Whatever that may be.  Whether getting your ass to that meeting you don’t want to go to or picking up that 100 pound phone or a new job or a new place to live or submitting writing or finishing this damn book I’m working on in the short spaces left over in between responsibility and sleep.  *deep breath* K.

There is a spark.  That will not die. That says “keep at it no matter what”.  Recovery has given me that spark, for before 1992, up was down, good was bad, and right was wrong. (as much as I despise those words … they fit. poetic license people)  Having the wisdom to know the difference makes me accountable to KEEP seeking that next goal, step, jump, slither, baby step.

Thank the gods, whomever they may be, that it’s a process.  Too much happiness slammed on me all at once might damn near kill me.  I can do pain, sorrow, misery with panache and flair and look damn good doing it too. (damn straight)  But this ‘no drama’ thing happening since I got my head out of my proverbial ass?  Holy crap. It’s a doozy.

So responsibility begets accountability begets accessibility to the idea that I can be more. Do more. Achieve more. And recovery (you inanimate thing that I have personified so often), I thank you. Recovery. It’ll love you back.

Using every superhuman power at our disposal, we justify and rationalize and shuck and jive … to try to use like ‘normal’ folk. (Which by the way is laughable. We want to use alcoholically without consequences. Normal – whatever that is – folk could care less if someone told them that drinking would hurt them. sheesh.)

Of course being the good recovery girl that I am (don’t roll your eyes at me people), I like to apply healthful principles to ALL my affairs. (not the good kind of affairs either… wait … nevermind.)  How easy it is for me to be able to see the whole drinking-using paradigm clearly (thank the gods) but how difficult it can be to apply to the rest of my life.  You know.  The every day stuff.  Like relationships. Work. Family. Writing. Blah blah yadda yadda.

It’s almost as if I can run at full blast towards the same brick wall ovah and ovah and ovah again thinking THIS time I’ll make it ovah.  And have the nerve to act surprised when I smack into it again and again.  Boom baby for the umpteenth time.

It’s not the big stuff. THAT I can deftly sidestep like a subtle waltz.  I’ve been dance partners with trauma for a few years now.  I know that dance.  The little things can knock me in the knickers. I try to use the same old same old coping techniques that haven’t worked for thirty years.  Example? Oh I spose so.

I’ve had it ingrained in me since pretty much birth that authority figures are … well … god. Don’t backtalk. Don’t sass back. DON’T you dare have an opinion. The authority figure is never wrong … even when they’re wrong.  Parental influence of course. Which is totally – ummm sorta – okay.  Well at least I can’t change what my past has been … better? K? K.  I can only change my perception and how it affects me. And baby … it AFFECTS me.

Bosses. Teachers. Authority. Where approval counts. Kicks me in the proverbial crotch every single ever lovin’ time.  Subconscious physical response kicks in and if I think I’ve done something wrong (whether I have or NOT) I blush, stammer, and get nervous. YES. Me.  Even been known to cry. You have NO idea how much I despise this.  This core belief that I always have had to ‘make up’, that I’m never good enough, that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I got to work. Examined every little nook and cranny of the ‘ish’.  I reacted the same way over and over and yes … over again. Figured out the how and the why of it. Challenged the belief message. Listed all my qualities and got into the ‘reality’ of the deal.  So instead of stumbling and bumbling or overcompensating with epic bitchism, I learned to rationally emote and speak in an even tone with conviction. 

Truly this is part of my daily 10th step which most times is written.  My personal insanity on a page to show me what is true and false.  Us recovery folks have a hard time with that you know.  So if you’ve got a brick wall or twenty (that you’re aware of … which is an entirely different blog) stop.  Write. Challenge. In ALL areas of life. Get into some advanced thinking here.  If there’s a problem that occurs ovah and ovah and … yeah you get the idea … then perhaps it’s time to shed some light on the subject.

And if I blush profusely in your presence … it’s probably either because you just complimented me (which is awesome) or a shame message has been triggered.  In which case you’ll find me hours later at the keyboard nails furiously clicking in defiance because I simply refuse to be a puppet to my sick.  Let’s make 2011 mindful.

We’re always waiting for the next big thing to happen or to ‘get over’ whatever problem we’re having now.  Thinking that when ‘this or that’ happens life will really take off. What we fail to realize is that life is what happens while we’re waiting.

Yes it’s paraphrased and YES the original quote was better but you get the idea.  Always so concerned with what’s gonna happen next we can stumble over our own two feet.  Especially with the holidays coming up, whether it’s gonna be a ‘good’ christmas or not so much, it’s easy to get lost in the “what’s coming up next” or “god can this be over with already?”.

I do it. List maker, organized (sorta), gotta-get-stuff-done-ism or I’ll-be-better-when-this-happens-sorta-stuff.  Can’t wait for vacation and santa and mistletoe and ho ho ho boom chicka wow wow.  Sorta spoils the life moment that is being experienced right now.

One of my daily goals is mindfulness.  To be exactly in that moment and give it my full attention. Whether it be wrapping presents or relaxing with a hot cappuccino in silence. Sights, sounds, smells, texture, emotions, be it epic awesomeness or excruciating ick – most times it’s in between – but it’s ALL good.  When my children chatter I try to LISTEN.  Now true listening is hard work and requires complete focus and attention.  Amazing what you can glean from a 7 year old chatting for five minutes without taking a breath.  It’s glorious.

Being at work and wanting to be home, I attempt to make meaningful connections with others instead of the “wanting” to be with ninjas all the time.  Eye contact and a genuine “How are you” versus rote responses.  Gifts untold can happen when you’re present for life.   My whole life has been changed with just a few words from a stranger. Seriously.

Even in the “ick” times, being conscious of my thoughts and feelings and seeing the beauty of crying and the relief that it can bring.  Reminding myself that it’s all part of the process and for any good growth, rain MUST fall.  Written 10th step inventories on how I interacted that day and being appreciative of the screw ups just as much as the ‘happy’ times.

Recovery teaches me that ‘one day at a time’ is key.  And this has most times been in conjunction with not using just for one day.  Not picking up for just a small manageable bit of time instead of the enormity that is forever or “ever-again-ism”.  It makes it feasible, well for me anyway.  I can do anything one day at a time right?  How bout we flip the script and see the one day at a time thing as making each day memorable? That this day… where you are right now … this “present” is glorious.

Reach down and really take stock in this moment.  What does it smell like, look like, taste like, what can you hear, what feeling does it bring?  The most ordinary of hum drum days can be kick ass when mindful.  For me this brings focus and positive energy to everything I’m doing.  One moment, one heartbeat, one click on the clock, one deep breath, one blink of an eye, one single smile, one sip of nectar of the god’s coffee, one kiss from your child, one single step … can all be magical.  If you have the eyes to see and heart to feel.

This takes the whole one day at a time thing to killer heights. All sorts of people teach mindfulness.  Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches such things and how mindfulness can decrease stress and generally improve your life. Below is just one of his teachings … much more can be found on you-tubage.

Other great resources…

• Stop Thinking and Start Living by Richard Carlson
• Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
• Buddhism: The Plain Facts by Robert Mann & Rose Youd

So. Focus on the moment. This one. Meditation and inner exploration say this is necessary.  And be well no matter what’s going on in this cluster-fukked-beauteous-amazing-wondrous-mish-mosh-pit thing we call life. Life in each moment. That is the ever giving present.  And speaking of presents, I would like a laptop from Santa if you’re making out lists and whatnot. Let him know k? K.  *mistletoe smooches*