I Love Recovery » Pink http://iloverecovery.com Addiction, Alcoholism, and Living in Recovery Wed, 16 May 2012 00:50:27 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1
My Best Friend Mal & the Song of the Day 10/22: Pink- Who Knew? http://iloverecovery.com/2009/10/23/my-best-friend-mal-the-song-of-the-day-1022-pink-who-knew/ http://iloverecovery.com/2009/10/23/my-best-friend-mal-the-song-of-the-day-1022-pink-who-knew/#comments Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:56:47 +0000 admin http://iloverecovery.com/?p=86 This song describes my life perfectly at one point in time. Even know I relate to it. About two years ago, my best friend, and sometimes love interest, Mallory overdosed and died at my house. I was the one who found her. That event was probably the most traumatizing and hardest thing emotionally, that I have had to deal with up until this point in my life. After Mal died, I stayed clean for about two months, then I much like many of us, though I could just drink and smoke pot. I promised myself for her that I would never do anything else. Well the funny thing about being an addict is that most promises are broken thanks to our disease. I soon began a downward spiral that lead me to my worst bottom, on the one year anniversary of her death. Broken, desperate, and alone, I sat in a jail cell on the anniversary crying, heartbroken, and pleading for God to either kill me or give me some guidance. I felt such guilt for her death. My disease and just the situation made me feel like I was responsible. Why didn’t I check on her sooner? Why didn’t I notice her breathing was shallow? Why when I thought something was not right did I not do anything? When I entered treatment last year two days after her anniversary, I realized I had to deal with this, and accept this as God’s will, because if I didn’t it was going to kill me.

This song is one that always seems to come on when I need it. It is much like when I am struggling with something and I go to a meeting, and the topic is just what I needed to hear. This song describes our relationship. Mallory and I used together, we were like a mixture of storms and both of our diseases brought us to a dark place, where it was going to be me or her. Sometimes I hate that it was her, but God needed her there and me here. Today I stay clean for me, but also for Mal. She was the first person in my life who taught me how to actually look at myself and like myself. We shared stories, and feelings, and in the end we both just wanted to be loved. She impacted my life in so many ways, and now that I am in recovery, I honor her life by staying clean and working steps and continuing to live this beautiful life. I sometimes can’t believe that it happened. I forget sometimes. Thanks to steps and meetings I am now able to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. I have acceptance that this is what was meant to be, and if I try to fight it, I will just get caught up in the ugliness of the disease.

And I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew?

]]> http://iloverecovery.com/2009/10/23/my-best-friend-mal-the-song-of-the-day-1022-pink-who-knew/feed/ 1 Song for Today: Pink- Sober 10/19 http://iloverecovery.com/2009/10/19/song-for-today-pink-sober-1019/ http://iloverecovery.com/2009/10/19/song-for-today-pink-sober-1019/#comments Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:02:33 +0000 admin http://iloverecovery.com/?p=50 Pink- Sober

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