Ever play that game as a kid? You know the one where you list the things you’re taking from the alphabet and have to remember them all? Yeah. I’m playing that game right now in my head. Except it’s not a game. I’m sorting through the idea (which made me quite nervous actually) that for the FIRST time in a VERY long time… I’m going out into the world.

Not only out into the world but more importantly to New York City to hang with some amazing people. None of which, to my knowledge, are in recovery. And they’re going to party like only cool kids can. And I’m honestly okay with that. Except for one little thing…

I thought… Am I even going to fit in with these people? I mean sure I write and they seem to like it well enough… but I don’t drink. Not only do I not drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic. For me to pick up again is tantamount to going back to that insanity from which I came. And no I have no desire to pick up. I’ve inventoried my inventories and am in a good spot.Wanna know why?

Cause’ I told on myself. I told my sponser and my boyfriend (who’s amazingly supportive and wonderful btw) that I was nervous. Not about the drinking but that I maybe wouldn’t be “as cool” or “fit in”. I told them that I wondered if people would think me “odd” for not drinking.

Sounded silly as soon as I said it out loud. Only a self centered drunk would think that way. As if anyone else will give a rat’s ass what I do or when. Silly yes? Yes.

But honestly I’m GLAD my head thinks that way. I’m GLAD that recovery is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m GLAD that I know myself well enough to tell on that stupidity to show it for what it really is… my sick thinking. My “not good enough”-ism.  My fear. Oh man was my 10th step a big one tonight.  An example? Sure. Why not. The more I tell on myself the better off I am. Ego is an illusion. 

What am I afraid of? People thinking I’m odd because I don’t party.

Where am I selfish dishonest self seeking and afraid?

• Selfish: I want all these people to think and act MY way (to think I’m cool omg I can’t believe I’m even typing this out loud. ffs.)
• Dishonest: I hadn’t told anyone (until today) 
• Self Seeking: Acted as if I wasn’t nervous.
• Afraid: of other people’s opinions. 

So I remind myself (as others have reminded me as well) I am a confident woman in recovery who can hang with the best of them. I also have loving people in my life who don’t think I’m an idiot … even if I think what I say sounds stupid. And… I told on my head which in turn took care of any nagging sick snippets of fail in my noggin. NOW… I’m all packed. Physically and mentally.

Always always ALWAYS… TELL ON YOURSELF. No matter if it sounds stupid or not. Then, if you’re anything like me, you can laugh at yourself a little and let yourself be happy that you have somewhere to go … that’s fun and uber cool. NYC here I come

I’m going on a trip and I’m taking my:

(Happy) Ass.

Big Book.

Comfort zone.

Directions to a meeting in the Big Apple …

yeah. I think you get the idea.

I love you people… thanks for listening to all the silliness I put out here every week. My world is an infinitely more beautiful space because of you and oh yeah I almost forgot…  I LOVE RECOVERY. 

If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

Not your regular average meeting (which I’ve done hundreds probably thousands of times), but an online webcam meeting. I was nervous because of the format… I cried a little –  okay a lot… and I was SO damn grateful to be able to share. It scared the hell out of me which is very VERY good. Why? Well let me tell you…

I don’t want to even remotely-ever-in-a-million-years think that I have to be perfect. 

I used to be a circuit speaker. AA and in my job as an Addictions counselor, public speaking came naturally to me; almost like breathing. Poised and all about it, I loved to get up and speak. That’s not a BAD thing mind you… but I think something got lost in translation in that decade and a half of “talking”.  Fifteen years is a long time to be sober … and talking and sharing and leading meetings. It almost became rote. Recovery was my entire life, both personally and professionally.

Then came the six months of hell where I thought I could safely drink again… see   The Girl I used to be or Relapse of a Mid-Timer (yes that’s a link)  for further reference.

This time around (oh I despise that phrase) in the 3 and a half years of sobriety some of that “polish” got taken away. I’m no longer an addictions specialist (although I still talk and write for a living and very well if I may say so) and I am no longer a circuit speaker… no longer sponsoring 20 girls at a time… no longer a Big Book-down-your-throat type.

It’s an inside job. My recovery today is quiet fortitude and “showing” versus “telling” and giving back in different ways (like this blog… which is basically anonymous and for which I receive no financial compensation). I like that. I LIKE that I cry when I speak … LIKE that it’s raw and real… LIKE that I get nervous.

Know why?

Because it means it’s fucking important. It MATTERS. And I WILL not return to poised and polished because I’m short changing me if I do so. When you talk about a life or death thing, like we ALL have experienced in our addiction and recovery, being real is a necessity. The TRUTH is never easy.

So I’ll keep the quirky self deprecating goofball sassy sappy ass girl that I am. And revel in the fact that this shit matters. Real. Raw. Uncensored. Imperfect. Truth.

Thanks for keeping me sober today people. Love you (mean it) and as always… I Love Recovery.

SassySoberGirl aka Amy G. aka SAPPYSoberGirl

 (In The Rooms will continue to have online webcam AA and NA meetings. Check the site http://intherooms.com for more details) 

Question: Please help me find out why,even if I am clean. I still crave chaos in my life.

Good question. Seems that we as recovering people have been so used to the roller coaster that we call “using” that it becomes the norm. What you reinforce, over and over and over again ad infinitum, we become. The consistent drama, the lying cheating stealing, the “near misses”, the shuckin’ and jivin’, all create the phenomenon of the using lifestyle.

Practice makes perfect and chaos was normal; a vital part of our daily lives. We had to have “excuses” to use didn’t we? How many times have you heard… If you lived MY life you’d drink too? Funny thing about that line of thinking… it tells me somewhere in a big blue book that “We can no longer blame anyone or anything for our problems” (paraphrased of course) But that is a post for another time, our focus is Chaos Theory.

Okay, so we have the first idea down. It’s more normal for me to have shitbat crazy in my life than not. Calm feels odd. Serene? What the hell does THAT look like? Here’s the good news. With step work you can reverse that. It takes practice and practice and even more practice to get to a point of non-chaos. When you’ve lived a large part of your life on a roller coaster, standing on solid ground just feels… weird.

As it tells me in the appendix to a spiritual experience (again in the big blue book) that this change will happen slowly over time (see “the EDUCATIONAL variety”). Meaning that the way your life looks will change, most times without you even realizing it’s happening. One day you’ll realize (if you’re working the steps and following suggestions) that you “feel” different, and you didn’t even realize it was happening. You have a measure of peace. This is one of the promises of recovery. Cool yes? Yes.

Okay. Part two is brain chemistry. (bear with please, this is good stuff) Substances replace the “feel good” chemicals in your brain. Massive studies have been done showing how drugs impact the way your brain functions. This is a major part of withdrawal. When you become physically addicted and rely on a substance to make you “feel good” all the time; your brain no longer needs to produce feel good chemicals. (NEUROTRANSMITTERS) See the little scoop thingys out of the left side of the above picture? Those are receptor sites. Substances replace neurotransmitters and FIT themselves into those little divots.

When you stop using substances your brain is STILL not producing chemicals correctly and you get the feeling of being “numb” and “depressed” because your brain isn’t working right. This is a major part of POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL or P.A.W. (symptoms listed below yes that is a link)

The most common post-acute withdrawal symptoms are:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Tiredness
• Variable energy
• Low enthusiasm
• Variable concentration
• Disturbed sleep

Why is this important? Because then, in our sick minds, we have to work doubly hard to “feel good”. Add on top of this a minimal amount of healthy behaviors and WHAMMO… enter CHAOS PART TWO. Thrill seeking behavior, sex, drama, the thrill of creating chaos… just to FEEL SOMETHING.

Yeah. Ouch.

Good news? The brain (most times) heals itself and P.A.W. lasts only two (in extreme cases four) years. You people DID realize that we are brain damaged right? That the brain has to heal? That we need to treat ourselves well so that we can get better and stop this chaos theory from rip roaring through our lives?

So, in early recovery, we are mentally/physically/behaviorally addicted to a chaotic lifestyle. With time and patience and hard work… IT WILL PASS. If you look around all the people you see in meetings with time, they’ve been through it TOO. Every one of them. Even the most serene cat in the club felt just as you did at one time. Ask him. He’ll tell you so.

And really, the fact that you’re AWARE that you live in Chaos Theory is HUGE. The problem comes in when we operate under the idea that chaos is normal. You’re totally on your way. Work the steps, take care of yourself physically, follow suggestions, ask tons of questions; being aware is more than half the battle (or in our case… surrender)

You are not alone. And it DOES get better. You’ll see. There’ll come a moment when chaos feels uncomfortable. Remember this post on that day. Remember how you felt RIGHT NOW. That’s what your disease wants you to forget. All the bleck. Don’t ever forget the bleck… chaos style.

I was asked to speak at a meeting. Share my story. You know the experience, strength, hope thingy that’s part of our 12 step work. Yeah. It just so happened that on that night… I had a sick babygirl with a fever well over 100 degrees, I worked late, it was so hot any makeup I put on melted right off, and my hair was reminiscent of a wet poodle with hairspray. (I’m not even kidding)

I didn’t want to go. An hour drive there and back. SOOO much on my plate that I needed four of me to break even.

I went anyway. Because that’s what I have to do to stay sober. Without my sobriety all the “stuff” wouldn’t even be there to worry about. My children, home, job, health… yeah. Without my recovery, I would care less about any of the things I cherish so much today. I even made it a point to make plans to pick a woman in recovery up to take with me, for accountability’s sake. (Damn that accountability. Thorn in my side. pffft.)

And something amazing happened. All the stress and trauma and drama (self created of course) of life melted away. Literally.

I knew maybe two people at the meeting but they were as friendly as if I’d known them for years. When we said the serenity prayer, focus and clarity and calm came and I was able to see; for the first time in months… what was really important.

One thing I know to be true as a recovering woman; I don’t always know what’s best for me. So when you’re asked to do something in recovery, NO is not an option unless extreme barriers block you from fulfilling the obligation. Yes I would have rather been with my sick child, or obsessing over how far I’m behind in my writing, or new jobs hovering on the horizon; but my happy ass needed to be right where it was.

Miracles are waiting around every turn. Even the miracle of serenity. Don’t deprive yourself of such things… answering YES, when all you want to say is NO, makes it so. What does the “want to” have to do with it anyway? There are still many instances where what I WANT … isn’t the best solution for this sick chick. When I hear folks say “you have to have the WANT TO” I think to myself, “Nah. It’s more of the do it especially if you DON’T wanna”. That to me? Is recovery.

Be well my friends and thank you for keeping me sober. And as always … I LOVE RECOVERY.

So now that some truly amazing things are happening for me, things that I have to pinch myself over, I find that little magical voice chiming in again.  You know the one … the “you’re not good enough” BS.  Internal messages taught so long ago that even though I’ve dug through my psyche with a fine tooth comb … the remnants remain. Chronic ‘when is the other shoe gonna drop-ism’. I know ya feel me.

I have been approached with an opportunity to change my entire life. (not allowed to say what. yet. you’ll be the first to know though. promise.) That could mean some serious financial independence for the ninjas and myself. Now fear of economic insecurity has left me … but I’ll be damned if I’m not afraid of economic SECURITY. Good grief.

Part of recovery is learning how to accept gifts. Things that we’ve worked hard for and now are coming to fruition. It can’t stay skid row ALL the time people. If we do the work and are consistent and diligent … amazing things happen. And quite possibly we deserve them? I’ve heard it said that “if I got what I deserve I’d have been dead long ago”. I don’t buy it. My core belief stems from the idea that we ALL can have a chance at joy, each and every one of us. It’s in the having the eyes to see, through recovery, that I am able to feel worthy.

It’s a work in progress. So how about this? Let’s all practice identifying and allowing some joy in our lives … minus the doubting thomas routine. K? K. I know happy can be scary but I think, if we hold hands and look both ways, we just might make it. Together. You betcha.

How do you know when you’ve swung too far the other way? When you’re so afraid of screwing up that you’re paralyzed? Why am I being all questiony? Well because it seems in certain areas, I’ve swung to the other side with a thudding smack on the wall.

When people step on our toes, is it EVER okay to have an emotional response? When cruel words are spoken do we always “shrug” it off and say “I’m not supposed to get angry. Ever.” I don’t think so. Just as in anything else the problem is in the ‘getting stuck’. Recovery doesn’t mean superhuman powers of non-feeling-ism; it’s more of a hey you … here’s how to DEAL. K? K.

I find myself in situations, sometimes dealing with ‘difficult’ people. Both professionally and personally; and I’d like to say that every single time I’m able to practice what I preach by not … letting my emotions get the best of me. Not knee jerking in a reactive way that I always end up regretting later. (and let me tell ya. I despise letting someone get my proverbial goat. mehhh)  But to have an expectation to never ever EVER get upset is unrealistic.

Things hurt. Situations are painful. Nowhere is it written in any of the recovery literature I’ve ever read, that you’re not supposed to “feel”. It’s simply what you do with it … that matters. I can safely take action with my reaction with safe people. Emotional intelligence comes into play here. Not allowing the emotion to take control of me, but expressing it in a healthy way. (refer to steps 4/5/10 for ways to explore something that is felt over and over again aka ”resentment’)

Initial emotions are not resentments. They are human responses to outside stimuli. Only if I continue to dwell on the feeling (be it fear, anger, yadda yadda) then it becomes the ‘re-feeling’.  And by not allowing myself to embrace the emotional side of me, I’m in danger of stuffing. Which carries it’s own set of issues. Oh yes.

So cut yourself some slack if you’re having a bad day. If something is sad then it’s an appropriate response to cry. If someone says something hurtful, then hurt is a normal reaction. Feel the feeling and investigate why you felt that way; it’s only in this way can we grow.  They call it growing pains for a reason yanno. Great things can be gleaned from hurtful situations. Because really … when do have the opportunity to have faith without fear? Or courage without danger? Or strength without trauma.

There is beauty in everything around you. Embrace the reality of your life, examine thoroughly with recovery guidance, and you’ll be amazed at how you’ll grow. As for me? I need to learn to allow some human-ness back in my inner sanctum. It’s really quite an extraordinary thing to be me … because my life is flavored with recovery. The same is true for you. Allow the beauty of the human experience, to come shining through.

I grew up watching Grease. Seen it hundreds and hundreds of times. I think … okay I know I had a mad crush on Kenickie.  Also known as Jeff Conway. I never could bring myself to watch celebrity rehab or any of that stuff. It felt wrong somehow to me. No offense Dr. Drew … I get the importance of educating the world on addiction through seeing celebrities embaras the shit outta themselves on television. Ratings rock. But really … there has been compassion gleaned through venues such as these. But it makes me sad.  (and YES i know i’m writing about it too … but unlike Dr. Drew down there … I don’t make a red cent from it. This is my way of giving back. so yeah.)

Don’t get me wrong and stop throwing rotten fruit at me now people … Dr. Drew has epic compassion for folks like us and I GET what he’s doing. He’s a good man with high hopes. But I’m not sure I always care for the outcome of putting drunks and dope fiends on display. That is my ONLY point here. K? K. Moving along now …

I’ve written a few articles for ITR on celebrity addiction … and I’m not sure they got what they were looking for so they stopped asking LOL. I’m okay with that. I don’t feel like it’s public fodder like a drive by car crash with rude rubberneckers getting their “sympathy groove thing on”.  Yeah.

Anyway. I overheard people talking about it at my karmic job today. The whole “tsk tsk” thing. The whole “will power” thing. The whole “just quit it” thing. The whole “those people are pathetic” … thing. For once, I kept my fool mouth shut. Really it’s not my job to educate the world on addiction anymore. There was a time, in another life, when I was in my twenties and a balls-to-the-wall addictions therapist … that I would’ve jumped on that soapbox right then and there. I thought it was my main goal to argue with anyone who thought addicts/alcoholics were stupid and spineless and “BAD” people.

That was in another life. When I thought recovery was a crusade. And when I thought I could MAKE people understand.

I’m not that any longer thankfully. Of course my decade plus as a therapist helps me in many other ways and my knowledge of addiction is quite vast. But in cases such as these? Celebrity deaths related to addiction? The public view of what an addict is? The shaming negative comments people make … about people like ME? Eh. Soapboxes are no longer necessary.

Same holds true for writing about celebrity addiction. Jeff Conway was a drunk/dope fiend. Just like me. The more you have … the more you have to lose.  Or something like that.  So as I’ve said when I wrote about Corey Haim’s death or Lindsey Lohan getting arrested (again) … compassion for the suffering is key. No matter if they’re famous or the drunk living under the bridge or the guy that comes to work every day with alcohol on his breath or the mother who loses her children because of her addiction or the chronic relapser who’s “new” at every meeting or the man who kills someone drunk driving because he thinks he can “handle it” or or or … yeah. You get the idea.

Addiction is a sad thing. Really. But conversely there is so much potential for beauty because of it. We would not have empathy had we not been through our sickness. I know that all the pain in my life has allowed me to become compassionate and kind. I KNOW what that dark night of the sick feels like … as do you. And that? Well it’s our common bond. Not seen on Celebrity Rehab. Not rubbernecked because it’s NOT newsworthy to be happy and sober and clean and free.

Those famous folks who are IN recovery? Well you never hear about how their lives are better because they’re sober/clean. But they are. Because recovery … is a quiet dignity. A lifestyle change to look through spiritual eyes. Not said … but SEEN. That spark, verve, panache, zest for living that comes from really LIVING. All brought to us by our respective recovery programs. I take dignity and grace over being famous any day of the week tyvm.

So … I think this weekend … I’ll watch Grease. And I’ll say my goodbye to my childhood movie crush and all his cool grease lightning-ness. I want to remember him that way. Not as a sick late stage slobbering drunk on a reality show. And I may just shed a tear when it comes to the part where Kenickie was talking to Rizzo and says …

I don’t run away from my mistakes.

I’m Amy. I’m a grateful drunk and as always … I love recovery. Bye Kineckie… I’ll miss you.

Ever walked into a meeting and felt like you were home? How bout the opposite? Walked into a meeting and felt unwelcomed and like you didn’t belong? Like you walked right into the middle of Recovery Clique central? Now. I know what you’re gonna say … there are no strangers only friends we haven’t met yet. Right. I get that whole common bond thingy. And I buy it … to an extent. But there IS a difference.

Now I’ve been to meetings all over the U.S. … literally. And 99% of the time I feel a huge sigh of relief like I’m home. People are speaking my language and “get me”. However … when I relocated … I’ve found that there are some meetings that might not … fit. And that’s okay. No judgment here. Just identification. Pure and simple.

And then I hear the words of my old sponsor in my head. “Who ever said you had to LIKE it. This is life and death here sister.” Yes I get that and believe that wholeheartedly. But why is it that you “go” to certain meetings and not others? Best fit right? Right. It’s not to say that the other meetings are BAD. I don’t believe in that. I simply like going to meetings where I can relate a tiny bit better. Where I got sober there were multiple meetings per day … morning noon night … I could hit a lunch meeting or a even a meeting before work. There were several meetings at night and I could choose from speaker versus discussion (my favorite) or big book meetings.

I was spoiled.

There was a smorgasbord of recovery to pick from and I went to meetings nearly every single day for well over a decade. I loved it. There were activities and conferences and campouts and dances and going out for the meeting after the meeting til 2 AM at the local restaurant. Sigh. I miss those days. Didn’t know how good I had it really. Where I live now … there is one meeting a night usually. Two if your lucky. One morning meeting on Saturday and a couple few discussion meetings.

Ahem. Talk about a change.

However not all change is a bad thing. Being spoiled isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Truly how can we practice healthy recovery behaviors if we’re always around people healthier than us. That is why it’s SO important to work with the newcomer. So what if you’re in a meeting that’s made up of 95% newcomers? Be the best five percent you can be. Remember you are not responsible for the outcome and honestly the whole goal is for YOU to stay sober.

Find support from other places (like here. TADA.) But still get your ass to meetings. You are responsible you know. (you people do know I’m talking to myself right? right. moving along. *blush*) Fitting in is overrated anyway and it’ll do your ego some good to be looked at like an alien once in a while. Serious ego deflation when you’re used to head nodding to get blank stares and “wtf’s” when talking about stepwork. Trust me. H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y.

The main purpose of a meeting is to not drink/use. To always get what you need? That’s the gravy. It’s all about showing up and being present in recovery. So you don’t get the touchy feely fellowship feeling from the meetings around you right now … I bet you that one day you’ll find someone walking through those doors that thinks like YOU. That you can bond with and get all that warm and fuzzy malarky from. Truly remember what you’re there for… recovery. And ask yourself … what are your expectations anyway? (holy crap i need to do an inventory. gah.)

So now that I’ve lectured myself for a few minutes … I need to work on my gratitude.        And remember … that not everyone should be where I think … they should be. My only job? Is to keep coming back. Who ever in the whole time you’ve been in these rooms said that “liking” was a requirement anyway. Gawd. I’m off to 10th step. I wonder if anonymously sent big books would be an appropriate amends to a meeting? Perhaps I should just keep on being the me that I am and irritate everyone by talking about the solution with my happy self. Hey. It helps me not get drunk. I’m down with it. Besides … standing out from the crowd is NOT always a bad thing  *big smile*