Who exactly ARE these “winners” that everyone keeps talking about sticking with??? I mean really… how do you know who to talk to or whom you should run the hell away from? People can appear to be anything they choose …  at first. Appearances are deceiving and talk is a cheap 10 dollar hooker who looks great from a distance.  I’ve made the mistake several times (those who know me are nodding EMPHATICALLY right now) of being very trusting … but only to a point.  Always, always, and again I say foghorn leghorn style ALWAYS … something, on the gut level, told me to be careful. People in the 12 step world will OFTEN spout stick with the winners. Even the “losers” (opposite of winners … I would prefer “sickers” but hey … parameters) will say these golden words with a sickly silver tongue.  My take on what attributes to avoid and what ones to look for in connections with people … not only recovery but everywhere.

We will start with the obvious and move to the more abstract here people.  Ass grabbing, asshattery, know-it-all, negativity seeping through the skin tight jeans. Judgmental, holy roller, sad sack, nothing is right with the world and all it’s denizens. Shifty, sketchy, “let’s have coffee at my place cutie”, used car salesman (offense intended) greasy, gossipy bitter betty’s laughing at the new girl with thick black eyeliner (yeah that was me bitch … and I ain’t new NO mo’).  Angry, zealot, yelling, in your face spittle, with a shame chaser for not doing what “they say”.The idea of being genuine. Too much happy, too much angst, too much of TOO much. Well, it’s just too much.  No one can be one way all the time – warning wil robinson danger approaches!

NOW … having said all that garbage. I’m really okay with people being that way. It’s where they’re at and most times they don’t perceive their actions with clarity … I mean we’re always the last to know … yanno?  I, like many others, have the eyes to see with compassion and let people “be” where they are.  It wasn’t always so … when I was new I trusted and trusted and trusted and OUCH.  So let this old scarred burned hand tell you from having the experience of touching the stove one too many times … what healthy can look like.  (Paraphrased from my first sponsor back in 92)

Kind, content, non-judgmental but firm, compassionate and sincere, never hear a bad word about a person (thick eyeliner or no).  Comments from the heart whether they be angry, sad, happy, or silly.  Easy to laugh and non drama making, cross talking and ego left at the door. No need for accolades, acts of kindness unspoken, gentleness with a ninja kick added for good measure.  Closemouthedness, keepin’ the real, not afraid to say the bad of the shitty day but quick to say how to resolve it.  Genuine and wise, sage lessons given freely without expectation.  The knowing that sponsorship is NOT ownership and people make their own choices.  Content in their skin without anything needed from you, unconditional love for the still suffering, slicing through shame like a hot knife in buttah.  The first one to approach the unapproachable, hand outstretched.  Sometimes these people are disliked for not playing the game. They are okay with that.  Self esteem wins out in the end. They don’t spout the steps, they live them, word and deed… life and breath.

Most of us fall in the middle somewhere I’d imagine. Work in progress, have a bad day or ninety, tough times, blah blah blah. But the phrase “Stick with the winners.” says to me that even if my ship is sinking, I can look for the hand that is love without condition, stuck out JUST BECAUSE they’ve been there too.  I see people bitchin’ all the time about sick people at meetings … you will find what you seek everytime. Focus on sick … that’s what you’ll get. Look for the bright… boomerang baby there’s the light.   What you focus on becomes reality… truly.  So eyes open and use this page for reference if need be. Checklist available upon request.  Trust your gut, deep way down. That’s where the real is … it will spot kindred spirits every time.   Next time we’ll discuss saying “Hi. My name is…”

It is … what it is.

Twisting and turning like the python in Pandora’s Box, life has a way of just “happening”.  It can happen TO us or we can be an active member of this late night R rated game show.  Put the kids to bed Ma … “life’s” on again.  Flip the channel to the dating game (omg), back to Days of our Jackasses soap style, DVR the news to watch when it’s okay to cry.  Common denominator is who is holding the remote.

Anything can be used for the HGH (human growth hormone I’ll save you the google). Yes even the Telenovelas give us sex tips on how to shake the inner latin mambo saying not a word.  I’m a judger. I admit it.  Work hard to cntrl alt del the words good and bad from the inner Webster’s unabridged.  Experience is just that – no moniker of god/devil unless I choose it to be.  What is the right and wrong of it all really except past experiences bitch slapping me from behind the blonde?  (Oh yes this is another “perspective blog” … get down with it. it’s important)

How I choose to use the information dissemination that is my soul is entirely up to me.  “Without having experienced the deepest black of the night, how can you fully appreciate the beauty that is the sunrise?” ~ quote by Amy Gabriel *grin* paraphrased from 1992.  Even at 19 and new to the recovery game, I knew. Remembered rather.  Know those lessons that only little itty bitty babies have down?  You know.  Be nice, play fair, blah blah blah … THAT is what I strive to remember when life is a shit throwing monkey.

All in all it’s how I CHOOSE to see things.  Glass as half full, half empty, or just simply … there is a glass.  I love the glass.  *pets the glass* In the words of the great P Diddy “Can’t nobody hold me down” unless I buy it on some level. Introspection, with assistance of course, is vital in this channel changing digital world.  The how and why of it all … NOT to put on the zealot judge smock but look with an impartial eye and see how I can BE my highest thought today.  Always … in all ways.  Cookie cutter theology not allowed thank you.  Flow through the inner tv tube to bring the highest quality programming … forget the hijacked “free” cable.  Wonder what’s on PBS today?

So. We get sober/clean.  We go to meetings, get a sponsor, do stepwork … all the necessaries.  What now? How in the sam hell do I have FUN and not use?  All my receptor sites, gut level instincts, behaviors, and attitudes have focused on using for so long that fun seems to be a distant memory.  I used to see people laughing easily, totally comfortable with who they are, doing cheezy things like bowling or dancing; and think “How are they doing that?”.  I mean really.  NOT being messed up and doing really silly things with no inhibitions? They’ve got to be lying about their clean time. I mean OMG.

Then I got involved with young people’s conferences, Founders Day (being from Akron), sober dances, dry clubs, parties and on and on… and so on and so forth.  There is never a dull moment if you choose it that way. Within your vicinity right now, there are plans a brewin’. For clean dances, card parties, bonfires, conferences to liven up the deepest of the winter blahs. The secret here is INVOLVEMENT. Being part of a 12 step fellowship, means just that. Fellowshipping. Camaraderie in the form of shared pain and loss mystically transformed into laughing kinship and love.  In my meetings we say,

But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 132

It may seem hopeless.  We can’t go from rippin it up from dusk til dawn to sitting at home and knitting a flippin’ doily on a Saturday night. Get into it! Jump in the middle of the fellowship and see what happens. I know it’s scary sometimes. Trust me … getting sober as a young person was freaky.  I thought “I’ll never have fun again.” Man was I wrong.  If you’re bored in recovery then you need to open your eyes to whats out there. Camp outs and bar-b-ques and people playing their music stuff; skinny dipping sober (shhh about that one, that’s really between me and my sponsor), the satisfaction of laughing so hard after an all night sober party that my stomach is sore for days after. YES!!! It can SOO be like that.  Plan to hit an NA convention (from what I hear they’re EVERYWHERE),  go to Founder’s Day in June,  or international AA convention in Texas this summer, copy and paste this link into your browser and DO SOMETHING for sober’s sakes.

http://www.anonymousone.com/activities.htm

Love and laughter and joy and peace. You’ll find it here. So what if you’re afraid? We ALL were. Remember that everyone you meet in the rooms was new at one time. WE GET IT. So when we reach our hand out to you … know that it’s done by one who “gets” you. In a way no one else can know.

Kick your heels up. There’s a time for tears and doin’ the work but also a time to shake your groove thing, laugh your ass off, be silly and playful and sing bad karoake songs. We’ll laugh with you until our tummies ache. You’re not alone anymore and remember Rule 62 from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 149,

“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

Let me share the most amazing moment of an amazingly glorious weekend.

So there I am, minding my own business (which I never do), and a pretty redhead shouts my name as I’m walking into the big meeting Saturday night at the stadium.  I recognize her immediately.  She says … You probably don’t remember me … and I interrupt her with her name and a big hug. She begins with explaining where I would know her from and I laugh. You see she’s one of the ones that I’d never forget. One of the girls in early recovery who was a mirror image of me when I got sober. She begins to tell me how much I helped her eleven years ago when she was my patient in treatment.

I let her talk and tell me where she is now and how happy she is … but she really didn’t have to go into detail. The eyes said it all. Bright and shining and full of love and life and most of all … hope. When I knew her at the tender age of 19, her eyes were less than shiny.  And I’m not going to front her out here because that’s just epically uncool. But let’s just say that she didn’t have a lot of life experience to be hopeful about. Just as I didn’t. When I came into the rooms at 19 years old.

I listened with tears in my eyes. You see she was “stubborn” and “difficult” and … well pretty much I loved her completely because I KNEW where that came from.  You see my treatment groups were therapy focused but none of that mumbo jumbo malarky about “you’re a drunk and dope fiend because mommy and daddy were mean.” Oh no. We took responsibility in loud voices and confronted our diseases with laughter and tears and intensity. Just like I hoped their recovery would be after they left me. For treatment isn’t recovery … it’s discovery. And that fact was thumped quite often.

So we walked down memory lane a bit. She finally took a breath and I had so many things I wanted to say … but couldn’t. Like she had helped me more than I could have ever helped her. That I was so proud of the woman she’d become. That she had pretty much made my lifetime because of all the things to remember from a decade ago … she remembered some of the things we learned together. That she was beautiful and smart and amazing and a woman of recovery grown from a wounded girl.

But I didn’t have to say a word. She KNEW. It was written in the way she talked and walked and holy crap … she was an example of what I want to be when I grow up (although I’m sure she doesn’t see herself that way.) I managed to mumble “I’m so proud of you and you helped me too.”

To which she replied … “We helped each other didn’t we? Because we cared.”

Yes we did. We sure did. You never know what one kind word will do. Never realize how you can impact another. I’m sure she’ll never know how much hope she gave me all those years ago. Or maybe she will. She’s a pretty smart cookie after all.  See it’s not about the “me”. It’s about the “we”. And we’re examples of recovery no matter where we are. Even me as a 28 year old addictions counselor who just happened to be a big book thumping hard core recovery chick. Eleven years ago. Amazing. In the place where it all started … one person helping another which in turns helps … the helper. Sound familiar? It oughtta.

(and don’t even get me started on meeting my mentor and best friend Ron P. from Texas. omg. then I’ll be in full out tears. but we’ll leave that for another blog. thankfully)

I was talking with a friend at work yesterday. Per usual it was a good conversation filled with the real deal cream filling center of down and dirty. He looks at me and says oh so calmly… “When exactly do you think you’re going to learn to receive?”

Ahem. Excuse me? What do you mean I replied as I choked on air.

He replied ‘Exactly what i said.”

Well there’s a nice how do you do. I mean really, I’m able to … I can … I want to … oh shit. Talk about getting hit with a proverbial 2×4. I don’t receive well. Not even a little bit. Oh sure I can give and give and give some more, but when it comes to graciously accepting kindness or especially love? Ummm. No. I don’t do that with any modicum of grace or dignity.

Realizing that and then of course, writing about it inventory style; I see so clearly how this has impacted all of my major relationships. Gifts were never given freely in my childhood and young adulthood … there was always a price to pay, a consistent “holding over the head” if you will. Martyrs will do that to you. The whole “after ALL I’ve done for you” and other blah blah blah’s.

Right. So I chronicled all my major relationships. Every one. And I saw a consistent theme. Giving but not allowing myself to feel worthy enough to receive. And then bitching because I felt alone. Right. Talk about more being revealed. Ouch. Bleck. Ick and all other words meaning fail.  Character defects that impact everything around me.

So MY job? Well my job is to change that thinking. To lean back and let others care about me. Oh mah lawd that’s a tough one. This defect has ruined some of the most amazing relationships I’ve ever had. Best I can do is SEE my behavior so that I don’t keep making the same mistakes ovah and ovah and ovah.

You see any relationship is a two way street. To give and give and give … well it can get rather old don’t ya think? Picture a “hanger onner” type. The “yes” person. The pushover. The one who gives and gives and gives again with a ragged worn smile. The one who can’t say no. What do you think the general consensus about this person is? Do you think there is an air of respect? How about this person’s value?

I heard a term once that I really liked … it was “degree of difficulty”. This isn’t how you might think. It means how much “crap” do you take from others and how “easy” are you to manipulate … or something like that. I love the idea of that.  If someone is “easy” well … we know what the general consensus on that is all about… oh yes. Anything worth having is never easy. Remember that. And learning how to “get” as good as you give  … well that is a good place to start.

The other issue with a non-taking mindset is … you’re depriving someone that loves you of the joy of giving.  You know how good it feels to give right? (Think Christmas morning. Think how you agonized over the perfect present. Think of how you wrapped it and were sooooo excited for the person to open it. Yeah. Like that.) And if you don’t let others LOVE YOU … you’re depriving of the beauty of two-way-street-ism.

See I know this well.  And recently, because of my inability to receive, I’ve lost a relationship very precious to me. Sad? Hellz yes. Did I learn? Abso-freakin-lutely. And as a result? I’m learning, albeit slowly, to allow others to care for me even if it feels uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY if it feels uncomfortable. I think you all might be able to relate. Letting a sponsor in, friends in, even lovers or family members … all the way in; is difficult.

There is a term I love (almost) above all others. It is called RECIPROCITY.

The Principle of Reciprocity

Reciprocity means give and take. It’s the law of cause and effect, and we see it all around us. When you say, “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours,” that’s Reciprocity. So is the old expression, “You get what you pay for!”

Isn’t it funny that we human beings judge another person’s heart by the way that we give? When you truly love someone, you want to lavish your treasures upon them. Whatever your gifts — time, money, talent, affection — they express your love. The reverse is also true! People hold back when their heart is cold. Cold-hearted people can expect coldness in return. Whatever “Seed” is sown, that is the “Harvest” that you can expect to “Reap”!

There are two important lessons in the Principle of Reciprocity. The first is – “If you give, it will be given back to you.” Sometimes you get back more than you give! This usually always happens when a person’s heart is right.! The second lesson is harder to master – “Learn to give without hoping to get anything back!” Either way, you are blessed by the giving that you do! It makes you feel good!

This Principle of Reciprocity affects your relationships with your loved ones, neighbors, friends, and even strangers! The Principle of Reciprocity shows that you’re blessed in like or better kind when you use what you have to bless others and you are not blessed if you do otherwise. It’s a rock solid, unquestionable Principle!

But so what. Difficult does not mean impossible. Force yourself to feel a little vulnerable now and again. Allow someone to love you. You deserve it … even if you don’t believe it.  If you believe the old addage … “what you give comes back to you” then allowing it to come back … IS IMPORTANT.  Accept a compliment with a simple “thank you”. Allow someone to give YOU a shoulder to lean on for a change. Let yourself be cared for and in turn you’re helping someone else … to show caring. Paradoxical? Perhaps. Necessary? Absolutely. Try it … you just might … like it.

I grew up watching Grease. Seen it hundreds and hundreds of times. I think … okay I know I had a mad crush on Kenickie.  Also known as Jeff Conway. I never could bring myself to watch celebrity rehab or any of that stuff. It felt wrong somehow to me. No offense Dr. Drew … I get the importance of educating the world on addiction through seeing celebrities embaras the shit outta themselves on television. Ratings rock. But really … there has been compassion gleaned through venues such as these. But it makes me sad.  (and YES i know i’m writing about it too … but unlike Dr. Drew down there … I don’t make a red cent from it. This is my way of giving back. so yeah.)

Don’t get me wrong and stop throwing rotten fruit at me now people … Dr. Drew has epic compassion for folks like us and I GET what he’s doing. He’s a good man with high hopes. But I’m not sure I always care for the outcome of putting drunks and dope fiends on display. That is my ONLY point here. K? K. Moving along now …

I’ve written a few articles for ITR on celebrity addiction … and I’m not sure they got what they were looking for so they stopped asking LOL. I’m okay with that. I don’t feel like it’s public fodder like a drive by car crash with rude rubberneckers getting their “sympathy groove thing on”.  Yeah.

Anyway. I overheard people talking about it at my karmic job today. The whole “tsk tsk” thing. The whole “will power” thing. The whole “just quit it” thing. The whole “those people are pathetic” … thing. For once, I kept my fool mouth shut. Really it’s not my job to educate the world on addiction anymore. There was a time, in another life, when I was in my twenties and a balls-to-the-wall addictions therapist … that I would’ve jumped on that soapbox right then and there. I thought it was my main goal to argue with anyone who thought addicts/alcoholics were stupid and spineless and “BAD” people.

That was in another life. When I thought recovery was a crusade. And when I thought I could MAKE people understand.

I’m not that any longer thankfully. Of course my decade plus as a therapist helps me in many other ways and my knowledge of addiction is quite vast. But in cases such as these? Celebrity deaths related to addiction? The public view of what an addict is? The shaming negative comments people make … about people like ME? Eh. Soapboxes are no longer necessary.

Same holds true for writing about celebrity addiction. Jeff Conway was a drunk/dope fiend. Just like me. The more you have … the more you have to lose.  Or something like that.  So as I’ve said when I wrote about Corey Haim’s death or Lindsey Lohan getting arrested (again) … compassion for the suffering is key. No matter if they’re famous or the drunk living under the bridge or the guy that comes to work every day with alcohol on his breath or the mother who loses her children because of her addiction or the chronic relapser who’s “new” at every meeting or the man who kills someone drunk driving because he thinks he can “handle it” or or or … yeah. You get the idea.

Addiction is a sad thing. Really. But conversely there is so much potential for beauty because of it. We would not have empathy had we not been through our sickness. I know that all the pain in my life has allowed me to become compassionate and kind. I KNOW what that dark night of the sick feels like … as do you. And that? Well it’s our common bond. Not seen on Celebrity Rehab. Not rubbernecked because it’s NOT newsworthy to be happy and sober and clean and free.

Those famous folks who are IN recovery? Well you never hear about how their lives are better because they’re sober/clean. But they are. Because recovery … is a quiet dignity. A lifestyle change to look through spiritual eyes. Not said … but SEEN. That spark, verve, panache, zest for living that comes from really LIVING. All brought to us by our respective recovery programs. I take dignity and grace over being famous any day of the week tyvm.

So … I think this weekend … I’ll watch Grease. And I’ll say my goodbye to my childhood movie crush and all his cool grease lightning-ness. I want to remember him that way. Not as a sick late stage slobbering drunk on a reality show. And I may just shed a tear when it comes to the part where Kenickie was talking to Rizzo and says …

I don’t run away from my mistakes.

I’m Amy. I’m a grateful drunk and as always … I love recovery. Bye Kineckie… I’ll miss you.

Ever walked into a meeting and felt like you were home? How bout the opposite? Walked into a meeting and felt unwelcomed and like you didn’t belong? Like you walked right into the middle of Recovery Clique central? Now. I know what you’re gonna say … there are no strangers only friends we haven’t met yet. Right. I get that whole common bond thingy. And I buy it … to an extent. But there IS a difference.

Now I’ve been to meetings all over the U.S. … literally. And 99% of the time I feel a huge sigh of relief like I’m home. People are speaking my language and “get me”. However … when I relocated … I’ve found that there are some meetings that might not … fit. And that’s okay. No judgment here. Just identification. Pure and simple.

And then I hear the words of my old sponsor in my head. “Who ever said you had to LIKE it. This is life and death here sister.” Yes I get that and believe that wholeheartedly. But why is it that you “go” to certain meetings and not others? Best fit right? Right. It’s not to say that the other meetings are BAD. I don’t believe in that. I simply like going to meetings where I can relate a tiny bit better. Where I got sober there were multiple meetings per day … morning noon night … I could hit a lunch meeting or a even a meeting before work. There were several meetings at night and I could choose from speaker versus discussion (my favorite) or big book meetings.

I was spoiled.

There was a smorgasbord of recovery to pick from and I went to meetings nearly every single day for well over a decade. I loved it. There were activities and conferences and campouts and dances and going out for the meeting after the meeting til 2 AM at the local restaurant. Sigh. I miss those days. Didn’t know how good I had it really. Where I live now … there is one meeting a night usually. Two if your lucky. One morning meeting on Saturday and a couple few discussion meetings.

Ahem. Talk about a change.

However not all change is a bad thing. Being spoiled isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Truly how can we practice healthy recovery behaviors if we’re always around people healthier than us. That is why it’s SO important to work with the newcomer. So what if you’re in a meeting that’s made up of 95% newcomers? Be the best five percent you can be. Remember you are not responsible for the outcome and honestly the whole goal is for YOU to stay sober.

Find support from other places (like here. TADA.) But still get your ass to meetings. You are responsible you know. (you people do know I’m talking to myself right? right. moving along. *blush*) Fitting in is overrated anyway and it’ll do your ego some good to be looked at like an alien once in a while. Serious ego deflation when you’re used to head nodding to get blank stares and “wtf’s” when talking about stepwork. Trust me. H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y.

The main purpose of a meeting is to not drink/use. To always get what you need? That’s the gravy. It’s all about showing up and being present in recovery. So you don’t get the touchy feely fellowship feeling from the meetings around you right now … I bet you that one day you’ll find someone walking through those doors that thinks like YOU. That you can bond with and get all that warm and fuzzy malarky from. Truly remember what you’re there for… recovery. And ask yourself … what are your expectations anyway? (holy crap i need to do an inventory. gah.)

So now that I’ve lectured myself for a few minutes … I need to work on my gratitude.        And remember … that not everyone should be where I think … they should be. My only job? Is to keep coming back. Who ever in the whole time you’ve been in these rooms said that “liking” was a requirement anyway. Gawd. I’m off to 10th step. I wonder if anonymously sent big books would be an appropriate amends to a meeting? Perhaps I should just keep on being the me that I am and irritate everyone by talking about the solution with my happy self. Hey. It helps me not get drunk. I’m down with it. Besides … standing out from the crowd is NOT always a bad thing  *big smile*

After doing inventory on my inventories about where I’m at right now … one thing is certain. I need connection. More reaching out. More meetings. More focus on all three aspects of a particular 12 step programs motto (unity, service, recovery) I have the stepwork but am epically failing and flailing at the other two. Now I could give you a laundry list of reasons why I can’t do this or that – but it’s all bullshit. It is. So… I’m chairing my homegroup the rest of the month and hitting two meetings this week and weekend. Has to be done you know.

Just doing “one” thing … never works. I can do steps til’ I’m blue in the face but if I don’t reach out to another drunk/dope fiend and give back … yeah it’s not complete. Why is this so hard for me to remember? Like an old friend coming home to call – judgment rears it’s powdered wig head. This isn’t enough … that isn’t what I need … this isn’t the right way … that isn’t going to help me.  Who the hell am I to judge what’s going to work and what’s not. If I’m so focused on what’s wrong with everything in my life – I’m never going to see what’s right.

I let myself get immersed in things. People especially. Okay who am I kidding – relationships. I suck at them. Hence the newly single status… again. *sigh* I did it to myself. I couldn’t hang. It was simply too much and I knew what I needed to do. But you see I didn’t want to … I was in love. Deeply. So much so that reality took a backseat.

I focus so damn much on what’s wrong with me. What I’m doing wrong – thinking wrong – feeling … wrong – that I sometimes don’t see the writing on the wall. Gut churns and I say “oh. this is my perception. this is my thinking gone wrong. this is my disease talking through fear.” And sometimes? Gut churning is simply that. An internal trigger saying “KNOCK IT OFF WOULD YA?”  This is where support systems come in … this is where talking things through – MATTERS. This is the unity that as an alcoholic I need.

My thinking is flawed. Now instead of being able to see what’s going on with clarity, I just try to fix it internally. Sometimes the problem is not me. (omg.) Sometimes it just IS what it IS. Flailing myself too far the other way to attempt to compensate for things outside of my control, has been identified as a HUGE character defect. (This quite possibly could be the most nonsensical blog I’ve ever written but I’m totally okay with that.) I’m hurting. I hurt someone else. But I know that I’m not that important to damage another. He’ll be fine. I’m sure of it. He’s the most wonderful man I know with an amazing recovery program and I believe in him. Whether or not he ever stops being mad at me is none of my business. It can’t be. If I think on that it just might kill me. Truth.

Relationships in recovery can suck. Major. No more numbing cream to make it all go away, every emotion felt to the fullest. The beautiful part about being sober is that I can feel it and heal and grow from all that I’ve learned; become a better woman and partner … someday. Not that I can even think about that right now when I would love to just take my heart out of my chest and stomp on it. With a sober mind and heart I know to my core that we MUST have rainy days to fully appreciate the sunlight. Truly it would be easier to sit in the dark and wallow. But I cannot. Recovery says this is so.

I need you people. As hard as that is to say/type for a sickeningly self sufficient woman to say/type … it’s the truth. It’s a grown up sorta thing to live in reality. It’s a recovery sort of thing to do the HARD work. It’d be very easy to sit in self pity or martyrdom and rant about how unfair life is or that maybe things could be different if …  feeling awful sometimes is simply part of the human condition. They’re called growing pains for a reason. This was a huge wake up call to me; if nothing else was learned from this (which there was – tons) then that lesson was more than enough.

So as I sit in the maelstrom of my melancholy/relief/sadness/realizations – I see clearly that I did not do things in a healthful way and for that I am quite sad. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for another is walk away with grace and dignity. I had no grace and very little dignity. I ran like hell. I couldn’t trust myself to say the “goodbye” because I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to be selfish and stay when I knew it wasn’t going to work. He deserves better than that from me. So I ran. Like a coward.  I fucking hate that about me. I do. I don’t “end” anything … well. Recovery tells me that I am flawed; perfectly imperfect in my word and deed. But also that there is hope and healing in the rooms and that I don’t have to keep kicking myself today. So I’m listening to my recovery family and friends and trying to keep the size 9 boot out of my own ass. (it’s a work in progress. there are still welts)

One thing I know for sure is that I’m reconnected. And THAT? Is miraculous. Silver lining? Maybe. Necessary so that I don’t jump off the roof or stay in the fetal position? You betcha. Yes I know this was schmaltzy and overly emotional and blah blah blah … but hey that’s where I’m at. Forever after these past several months will be known as “Serendipity” to me … for I learned more of love and life than I’d ever thought possible from this man. And I’ll always love him. And … it’s okay to be sad about it. So says my sponsor, so say my friends, so says my heart.

Thanks for being here you all truly enrich my life more than you’ll ever know. And as always … I Love Recovery.

Ever heard the phrase, when we start using we stop growing emotionally.  So basically look at the age you first began using and that’s EMOTIONALLY where you’re starting from when you get sober/clean.  Scary eh? A bunch of teenagers trying to navigate the social world.

Except that many teenagers have learned coping skills through the natural progression of adolescence.  How to deal with the difficulties presented in their peer groups; healthy self esteem, playing nice with others, how to act with integrity, value identification, how to deal with peer pressure (I could go on for days here but I won’t.)

Kinda puts things in perspective yes?  That we are emotionally immature with little/few coping skills, trying our best to overcome a disease that’s trying to kill us.  This is a large part of our “sick”.  Ever dealt with a saucy teenager who is freaking out about pretty much … everything??? Right. Difficult is putting it mildly.  When we grow up … there is a factor of “pain” involved.  Hence the term growing pains. Get it? Got it? Good.

Remember this when dealing with the newcomer. If you ARE the newcomer … be gentle with yourself you’re still an awkward growing gangly teenager way deep down inside.  I sorta like the idea of that really – the perpetual fountain of youth from the inside out.  (0kay you know I was being sarcastic. I hope. Sheesh.)

What does emotional maturity mean? Growing up. No more foot stomping hollering “It’s not fair!”. Well you CAN do those things but it won’t get you far in a healthy recovery community.  Stepwork is vital.  In a way the steps teach us in a clear concise way what a large portion of the world learned while battling the initial onslaught of acne … and then some.

• How to focus on yourself and your own problems. As MOM would say … “Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. If everyone else jumped off a bridge would you do it to?”
• Don’t overreact. MOM-ism “Quit being so dramatic. How important is it?”
• Ask a power greater than you for help. MOM says “You don’t know everything.”
• Humility (no better or worse than anyone else). MOM: “You are NOT the center of the universe child. Everyone is NOT staring at you because you’re goofy looking. People have their own lives to worry about.”
• Apply the principles learned to ALL your affairs. MOM : “Act right because it’s simply the next *right* thing to do. Not just when someone’s watching. Be who you really are. I love you.”

Okay I just almost made myself cry with that last one. Good grief. Recovery as parental teachings with the additional benefit of non-judgment. Boy do I like the idea of that. And a kind gentle real loving recovery mom. Which is what I strive to be every single day to my daughters. This blog post was rather revealing … as it usually tends to be for this recovery chick. Just goes to show you when you give it away … you keep it.

I love… recovery.