But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.

But does “IT” really get better? Now I know I’m splitting hairs here but it really got me thinking about this whole recovery process. Life is constant. Good/Bad (I despise those words but use them for common language purposes) things happen all the time, everyday, to everyone. People lose jobs or get divorced or lose their houses or get married or win the lottery or get promoted/demoted or or or … right you get the idea.

What is it about us that makes our sick minds think we’re so terminally unique? We’re not. Life happens the same way to everyone. It’s what we DO with it that matters.

Our sick thinking based in EGO tries to convince us that somehow, someway OUR lives are worse somehow… that “if you had a job/wife/husband/kids/life … like I do, you’d drink too”. That whole ‘terminal uniqueness’ quotient. Rationalizing and justifying our actions/behaviors for ONE… SINGLE… PURPOSE…

To have an excuse to use.

Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Heard that? Yes? Yes. Good.

Even “good” things are used this way. “I’m under a lot of stress. I’m getting married/promoted/buying a house/yadda yadda”. Excuses every one. This isn’t used as often as the victim mentality however. But still a justification nonetheless.

Bottom line (that I have to remember) is… Alcoholics/Addicts do NOT corner the market on pain.

Yes we’ve been through a lot. Yes much of it is self induced. But we’re not the only ones. I’ve heard horror stories that would make your ears bleed about abuse/incest/rape/torture you name it from NON-addict/alcoholics. (my years as a therapist say this is so) That’s not the reason we use. It’s not. A lot of people try to “drown their sorrow” and just… can’t… drink/use. Physically unable.

My Dad is a good example. He had a horrific childhood. No matter how much he TRIED to drink … he just couldn’t. Two beers and heave ho. This speaks to the physiological difference between people with the disease of addiction and what we sometimes call “normies”. My Dad, when I first got sober at 19, would say “I just don’t understand Amy. I had a much worse childhood than you. What excuse do you have to drink like that.” I replied, “Dad. I’m sick. My body processes alcohol differently than you. I don’t drink because of troubles… I drink and it CAUSES trouble. Life happens. I just used all that as an excuse.” (Pretty smart for 19 yes? No. Just repeating what I was taught in AA)

From a post a long time ago called Relapse aka Just the Basics that I wrote on the subject comes this quote…

Just to get our basic operating premise underway here is a brief summary of addiction per the American Medical Association’s Journal … JAMA.

We examined evidence that drug (including alcohol) dependence is a chronic MEDICAL illness. A literature review compared the diagnoses, heritability, etiology (genetic and environmental factors), pathophysiology, and response to treatments (adherence and relapse) of drug dependence vs type 2 diabetes mellitus, hypertension, and asthma. Genetic heritability, personal choice, and environmental factors are comparably involved in the etiology and course of all of these disorders. Drug dependence produces significant and lasting changes in brain chemistry and function.    Drug Dependence, a Chronic Medical Illness Implications for Treatment, Insurance, and Outcomes Evaluation  A. Thomas McLellan, PhD; David C. Lewis, MD; Charles P. O’Brien, MD, PhD; Herbert D. Kleber, MD  JAMA. 2000;284:1689-1695. 

(JAMA means the journal of the American Medical Association btw http://jama.ama-assn.org/ also www.ragingalcoholic.com has excellent information on the progression of alcoholism blah blah blah.)

“It” doesn’t get better. WE do. We may initially pick up a drink because of life circumstance (as a twelve year old girl when I first picked up a drink the only “issue” I had was puberty) but it’s NOT the reason we continue to do so.  And so that brings me back to the solution. Recovery. (I love ya) Recovery is EXACTLY how … WE get better. All of our literature agrees really.

My favorite quote from Dr. Paul’s story in the Big Book…  “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”   pg. 449 Third Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. And then the Serenity Prayer and “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us” (4th step directions Alcoholics Anonymous) and and and… I could go on. But you people are smart cookies. You’ve read all that yes? Yes.

Fix. You. With. The. Steps. Of. Whatever. 12. Step. Program. That. Fits. 

IT aka The rest of the world? Well that’s someone else’s problem entirely. Whew. Now isn’t that a load off your shoulders? Yeah. I write things that I need to remember too.

As it tells us in our literature (you know the Big blue Book… at least for this drunk it’s my textbook), namely the Doctor’s opinion, we “cannot differentiate the true from the false”.

huh?

okay I’ll let Dr. Silkworth explain this since he did such a fabulous job doing so.  Linkage:  . http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_doctoropinion.cfm

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

Oh. So what he’s saying is that there comes a point where we lose the ability to see and realize the truth about our drinking and ourselves. Denial isn’t a river and self deception rules the roost. We, as addicted people would rather ANYTHING else be wrong than admit that our drinking is to blame. This comes at a high price. Family, friends, children, jobs et cetera et cetera shoulder that burden. “If you had a life like I did… you’d drink too”  ”If only people would leave me alone, everything would be fine.”

The basic fact is this. A person that DOES NOT have an issue with drinking wouldn’t care one bit if someone said “Hey. Drinking is causing all these problems for you. Quit it.” It’d be a no brainer. They wouldn’t CARE if they could or couldn’t ingest alcohol any longer.

Does there ever come a point where we can trust our own thinking again? Is there ever a moment when we CAN differentiate the true from the false when it comes to our magical mystifying thought processes?

That’s a tricky one. But fortunately there’s an answer…

Ah. So the answer is a resounding yes. Funny where those particular promises come into play. AFTER we work step 9.  After amends are made and our side of the street is clear and unfettered to the best of our ability. The scary-ish thing about that is maintaining that state. But we have 10, 11, and 12 for that. AND… reliable sources such as sponsors and trusted recovery people to help us SEE when and if the sick comes back.

I’m usually pretty wary of promising things. But I have to tell ya; I’ve seen it, done it, BEEN it (it being absolved from sick thinking and returning back to denial) and this stuff works yo. You have much evidence to support such promises. It works… if you work it. Pinky swear promise.

Question: Please help me find out why,even if I am clean. I still crave chaos in my life.

Good question. Seems that we as recovering people have been so used to the roller coaster that we call “using” that it becomes the norm. What you reinforce, over and over and over again ad infinitum, we become. The consistent drama, the lying cheating stealing, the “near misses”, the shuckin’ and jivin’, all create the phenomenon of the using lifestyle.

Practice makes perfect and chaos was normal; a vital part of our daily lives. We had to have “excuses” to use didn’t we? How many times have you heard… If you lived MY life you’d drink too? Funny thing about that line of thinking… it tells me somewhere in a big blue book that “We can no longer blame anyone or anything for our problems” (paraphrased of course) But that is a post for another time, our focus is Chaos Theory.

Okay, so we have the first idea down. It’s more normal for me to have shitbat crazy in my life than not. Calm feels odd. Serene? What the hell does THAT look like? Here’s the good news. With step work you can reverse that. It takes practice and practice and even more practice to get to a point of non-chaos. When you’ve lived a large part of your life on a roller coaster, standing on solid ground just feels… weird.

As it tells me in the appendix to a spiritual experience (again in the big blue book) that this change will happen slowly over time (see “the EDUCATIONAL variety”). Meaning that the way your life looks will change, most times without you even realizing it’s happening. One day you’ll realize (if you’re working the steps and following suggestions) that you “feel” different, and you didn’t even realize it was happening. You have a measure of peace. This is one of the promises of recovery. Cool yes? Yes.

Okay. Part two is brain chemistry. (bear with please, this is good stuff) Substances replace the “feel good” chemicals in your brain. Massive studies have been done showing how drugs impact the way your brain functions. This is a major part of withdrawal. When you become physically addicted and rely on a substance to make you “feel good” all the time; your brain no longer needs to produce feel good chemicals. (NEUROTRANSMITTERS) See the little scoop thingys out of the left side of the above picture? Those are receptor sites. Substances replace neurotransmitters and FIT themselves into those little divots.

When you stop using substances your brain is STILL not producing chemicals correctly and you get the feeling of being “numb” and “depressed” because your brain isn’t working right. This is a major part of POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL or P.A.W. (symptoms listed below yes that is a link)

The most common post-acute withdrawal symptoms are:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Tiredness
• Variable energy
• Low enthusiasm
• Variable concentration
• Disturbed sleep

Why is this important? Because then, in our sick minds, we have to work doubly hard to “feel good”. Add on top of this a minimal amount of healthy behaviors and WHAMMO… enter CHAOS PART TWO. Thrill seeking behavior, sex, drama, the thrill of creating chaos… just to FEEL SOMETHING.

Yeah. Ouch.

Good news? The brain (most times) heals itself and P.A.W. lasts only two (in extreme cases four) years. You people DID realize that we are brain damaged right? That the brain has to heal? That we need to treat ourselves well so that we can get better and stop this chaos theory from rip roaring through our lives?

So, in early recovery, we are mentally/physically/behaviorally addicted to a chaotic lifestyle. With time and patience and hard work… IT WILL PASS. If you look around all the people you see in meetings with time, they’ve been through it TOO. Every one of them. Even the most serene cat in the club felt just as you did at one time. Ask him. He’ll tell you so.

And really, the fact that you’re AWARE that you live in Chaos Theory is HUGE. The problem comes in when we operate under the idea that chaos is normal. You’re totally on your way. Work the steps, take care of yourself physically, follow suggestions, ask tons of questions; being aware is more than half the battle (or in our case… surrender)

You are not alone. And it DOES get better. You’ll see. There’ll come a moment when chaos feels uncomfortable. Remember this post on that day. Remember how you felt RIGHT NOW. That’s what your disease wants you to forget. All the bleck. Don’t ever forget the bleck… chaos style.

I see all these folks writing about “happy”. That recovery is this sugarcoated plastic smiled “O.M.G” malarky. That’s not been my experience. Not even a little. Sure I’m a basically happy person, but I’m also sad and melancholy and afraid and hopeful and angry and and and … I believe the definition we’re looking for here is multifaceted.  Think of a cheesy feelings chart. How are YOU feeling today?

It’s not about some pseudo-reality that is a prozac for the spirit; but that we now have a program for living that allows us to simply BE.. without substances. That ALL of life is included in the checkerboard game; good/bad/right/wrong/indifferent. Not some Pollyanna perfection that can never be achieved.

I love it when a newcomer shares at a meeting. That gut level reality of living everyday moment to moment when just learning how to “feel” again. There’s nothing more beautiful to me than the learning process of recovery. The ability to watch someone go from morally destitute to hopeful sense of reality.  And we get to see that over and over again … if we take the time to work with others. Remembering that the best way to learn is to teach … this is vital to our recovery. Step 12 says this is so… Originally stating that we share what we are/have learned/have become with the rest of the world ESPECIALLY alcoholics; giving it away to keep it. It’s our primary purpose you know.

So next time you’re talking or working with a newcomer don’t be too overbearingly Pollyanna-ish. Just be real and be you. And remember that perceptions differ depending on spiritual growth, our ‘normal’ may be unbelievable to someone just coming in. To know that you don’t have to live in hopelessness and despair might just be incomprehensible … it may be enough to say we’re simply NOT dying any longer. Meet folks where they’re at and you’ll be amazed at the relationships you can form.

If you’re struggling, share it at a meeting. Tell your truth. BE an example. Show the newcomer (and me cause I always need the real and the raw) the many faces of recovery, because it’s NOT all happiness and sunshine NOR is it all despair. It’s everything, all the time, everyday; kids and jobs and families and all the messy stuff. This is why we’re here. To live and show others, by example, how to live. Show it, bare your soul, let your proverbial pants down, pride be damned. (I’m not saying do a 5th step, but a little of the real and raw can help others relate. Ya get me? Thought you might)

Like it says in the Big Book … (paraphrased cause I’m exhausted) An alcoholic can win over another alcoholic in short fashion, just by sharing themselves. Amazing how that works yes? Hell there are days when I’m just grateful to wake up, forget the “good” stuff; just sucking in air is good for me.  And I know you people get that … get me. And what a gift that is, you people 12 step me and don’t even know it. Love that about you.

“Yeah my neighbor is one of them there drunks in that triple A thing. Always talkin’ bout them meetings and all that bunk. Man he doesn’t need them stupid brain washers.  All he needs is to grow a set. Like me. I drink all the time but I ‘CONTROL’ it.  He’s a pansy.”

Okay there’s lots to comment on here. And/or make fun of. But I shan’t. I also won’t tell you what I said in response. Children could be present. *eye roll*

Nothing burns my proverbial butt more than when I hear someone say that addiction is a “lack of will power”. WHAT??? Seriously? If people only knew how much will power it takes to drink and drug and lie and steal and cheat and THEN have your head convince you that nothing is wrong??? The sheer force of will it takes to continue to scheme and manipulate to maintain the ability to use in the face of life continuing to bitch slap us?

I mean really. If were a matter of a will power match up? I’d choose one of us dope fiends and drunks over a normie anyday. Seriously.  How much pain can one person withstand?  I’d be fingers bent backwards, knuckles screaming in pain, with someone standing on my neck before I’d EVER cry Uncle.  True dat.

I so wish it were will power instead of a disease.  It’d be so much easier to simply “WILL” away my physiological differences, my liver enzymes, brain chemistry, my ability for tolerance (needing more to produce the same effect).  Hell yes I’ll just pick myself up by my bootstraps and just “QUIT IT”.

Kinda takes the wind out of the 12 step sails yes? The “we are physically and mentally different than our fellows” the whole “allergy to alcohol” slant.

Hell all the doctors in the world are wrong. Addiction is simply a matter of a bad upbringing.  (Tell my mother that one and she’ll smack ya) Or other problems in childhood.  Weak character.  The American Medical Association is a bunch of quacks. As well as the rest of the world’s medical and scientific community.

power ... we got it ... aka HP

WHY??? Because Henry Hillbilly says it’s simply a matter of willpower.  Perhaps it’s not a matter of WILL power … but a different kind of power that’s the issue.  I’d say as a group we’re a pretty ‘willful’ bunch. That got us no where. A power greater (whatever that might mean to you) was missing. So says the Big Book so says my using career.  Right. Power.

GAH!!! I got your will power right here bub. Tell an addict/alcoholic to DO something? See how quick they buck.  Even to the point of self destruction.  Hell most would even agree with ya.

Best line ever heard at a meeting on this subject.

“I used to say that I’d rather be a bad person than a sick alcoholic. If I’m EVIL or BAD … there’s no hope for that. I’m sunk. If I’m SICK … there is a TREATMENT. A daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.  There is hope.”

I like that. Force of will. We have it. Always have. Just now? We use it for the healthy. Use to seek like minded folks. Use it to seek a power greater than ourselves. Use it … to seek recovery. May the force be with you. Luke… I am your father. Oh hell. Totally wrong quote.

Disclaimer: No hillbillies were harmed in the making of this blog. Any similarity to person’s real or imagined is purely purposeful and intentional. Offense intended. That is all.

It’s that time of year again. And yes I’ve had tons of emails on the subject of the ‘wintertime blues’ or ‘S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder)’ or just plain out tired of it being cold and dark and not being able to go outside and play or feel the warm sun on my face and I miss swimming and … and … and … OKAY OKAY … it gets to me too! In a major way.  February coming up and no matter how much in love with my guy I am this Valentine’s Day … it’s a long dreary cold miserable month.

That being said how does it affect recovery? Well. I’d say in my case … tons.  Wintertime brings about increased frustration levels as I frantically attempt to appease my children and their “I’m B-O-R-E-D mommy” verbiage.  Dark when I go to work and dark when I get home … one can only play Polly Pockets for so long people. Good grief.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter, or, less frequently, in the summer, spring or autumn, repeatedly, year after year. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), SAD is not a unique mood disorder, but is “a specifier of major depression”. ^{(courtesy of wiki wiki wiki my information station of choice – yes this is a link)}

So. How does this impact recovering folks? Well jeeze. Lots more folks come into the rooms in winter. Seriously. I don’t have any concrete evidence of this besides my 18 years in the rooms of 12 step programs.  Firstly, it’s damn cold out. Entrances into treatment and shelters increase significantly due to this fact. Much easier to use in the spring and summer when frostbite and homelessness don’t contraindicate one another.

Anyhow. An increase in newcomers, increase in meeting sizes, increase in sick, increase in lack of things to do, increase in darkness, increase in serotonin and other important brain chemical deprivation, due to lack of light … all indicate an impact on recovering folk.  We already have it tough enough yes?

Depression and anxiety untreated can lead to major relapse warning signs. You know the whole “uselessness and self pity will disappear” part of the promises?  Yeah. Step work covers the gamut and perhaps we need to throw ourselves all the harder into inventories and other steps. Okay scratch the perhaps, DO MORE INVENTORIES AND STEP WORK.  Better. In addition to what we’re already supposed to be doing, there are several other behavioral interventions you can choose. Let’s try to decrease the fuel on the fire shall we??? I mean really. Okay. Solution time.

• relapse prevention. Close personal friend and hero of mine Terry Gorski has provided us recovering folks with a HUGE amount of ways to detect the warning signs that impede the recovery process. You can find and friend him on facebook where he will link you to all sorts of information that can help you identify barriers. People … THIS is important.  click HERE (click the here. you’ll be glad you did.)

• lightbulbs. turn em’ on. all of em. Get yourself some daylight bulbs that mimic the sunshine and bask for a moment in the direction of incandescent bright. Even if it’s fake… it will help.  Hey truly a couple dollar increase in your electric bill is MUCH cheaper than therapy. Trust me, as a former therapist, I KNOW how much it costs.

• Activity. Seeing the influx of newbies, get busy.  Give out your phone number, volunteer to pick up new members at treatment centers. Volunteer at your local intergroup.  Hit a conference, a weekend of fun in a hotel with hundreds of other recovering folks is a total blast. Go to a 12 step dance, organize a bowling night, poetry night, game night … JUST DO SOMETHING.  A change in routine is always a pick-you-up.

• Indulge in something decadent. Be it a bubble bath with candles (it’s not just for rubber duckies you know), getting your nails done, coloring your hair, taking a trip to a bed and breakfast, going out to eat, a new shirt, et cetera… et cetera. Treat yourself. (again cheaper than therapy. yep.)

• Stay away from negativity at all cost.  Surround yourself with positive people attempting to see the sunny side of life.  Nothing can bring you down more than whiners. In other words, make sure YOUR recovery cup is full up.  Talk about your feelings even MORE with your support system (sponsor, friends, etc). Make a conscious effort to get what you need this time of year.

• As silly as it sounds, wear bright colors and think warm thoughts.  This would be a good time to break out your Hawaiian shirt collection or wear your bikini under your clothes. Not that I do that. Okay maybe I do. Hush. Make an event out of planning a vacation. Be it big or small, a few weeks or a daytrip. Get out the books, get online, and plan something fun.

• Online resources are off the chain.  Meetings with webcams are now
  

  yes this is me SassySoberGirl ... hit me up ITR style. we'll chat

  available as well as chat meetings and tons of recovery sites that provide comfort and fun in the dark cold of winter.  In the Rooms is just one of many (but in my humble opinion the very best. hear that fellas? shameless plug. love it.)

• Last resort? Talk to your doctor. There are folks I know who use antidepressants just in the winter months to increase their serotonin levels safely and effectively.  If you feel that awful, a couple months out of the year, medications can be of assistance.  However, S.A.D. can be combated with all sorts of behavioral interventions that work quite well.

Point is, when the going gets cold, the cold better get their rumps MOVING. Do something, even and especially if you want to stay under the covers.  Before you know it, the flowers will be blooming and spring will peek out from under the snow. Think warm. Think bright. It’s really … going to be alright.

(and if THAT cheesy line didn’t make you roll your eyes and smile … i’ve got a million of ‘em. bring it.)

re·sent·ment

noun \ri-ˈzent-mənt\

Definition of RESENTMENT

: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

God help me to show this person the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.

~ pg. 67 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It’s called learning how to be a duck in water. What can you change? You. That is all. No more. No less.  If you’re doing inventories – awesome. It’s your path to freedom and certainly nothing about which to be scared. If you’re not there yet remember … we can’t afford to be hypersensitive angry folks “the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us.”

On a funny note … when my children are angry we’ve learned a fantastic way to deal with it. There are to instantly stop what they’re doing and sit down and do deep breathing for twenty seconds in the Lotus position (pretzel legs as we call it).  This does two things.  It interrupts the thought process of “I’m gonna get you” and it calms.  Yes they’ve done this in the middle of the grocery store. I laughed RIGHT out loud but was very proud of their follow through.  They learned a new coping skill.  If they can do it at ages 7, 5, and 3 … so can you.

Imagine if the whole world just simply stopped when they were angry and sat down wherever they were … pretzel legs … and counted to twenty.  Now that would be a brave new world.

Make the “anger” prayer your “pretzel legged sit down”. Stop the resentful thoughts from forming. No one should have that much power over you.  Take a moment. Breathe. Remember. You’re worth it.

Using every superhuman power at our disposal, we justify and rationalize and shuck and jive … to try to use like ‘normal’ folk. (Which by the way is laughable. We want to use alcoholically without consequences. Normal – whatever that is – folk could care less if someone told them that drinking would hurt them. sheesh.)

Of course being the good recovery girl that I am (don’t roll your eyes at me people), I like to apply healthful principles to ALL my affairs. (not the good kind of affairs either… wait … nevermind.)  How easy it is for me to be able to see the whole drinking-using paradigm clearly (thank the gods) but how difficult it can be to apply to the rest of my life.  You know.  The every day stuff.  Like relationships. Work. Family. Writing. Blah blah yadda yadda.

It’s almost as if I can run at full blast towards the same brick wall ovah and ovah and ovah again thinking THIS time I’ll make it ovah.  And have the nerve to act surprised when I smack into it again and again.  Boom baby for the umpteenth time.

It’s not the big stuff. THAT I can deftly sidestep like a subtle waltz.  I’ve been dance partners with trauma for a few years now.  I know that dance.  The little things can knock me in the knickers. I try to use the same old same old coping techniques that haven’t worked for thirty years.  Example? Oh I spose so.

I’ve had it ingrained in me since pretty much birth that authority figures are … well … god. Don’t backtalk. Don’t sass back. DON’T you dare have an opinion. The authority figure is never wrong … even when they’re wrong.  Parental influence of course. Which is totally – ummm sorta – okay.  Well at least I can’t change what my past has been … better? K? K.  I can only change my perception and how it affects me. And baby … it AFFECTS me.

Bosses. Teachers. Authority. Where approval counts. Kicks me in the proverbial crotch every single ever lovin’ time.  Subconscious physical response kicks in and if I think I’ve done something wrong (whether I have or NOT) I blush, stammer, and get nervous. YES. Me.  Even been known to cry. You have NO idea how much I despise this.  This core belief that I always have had to ‘make up’, that I’m never good enough, that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I got to work. Examined every little nook and cranny of the ‘ish’.  I reacted the same way over and over and yes … over again. Figured out the how and the why of it. Challenged the belief message. Listed all my qualities and got into the ‘reality’ of the deal.  So instead of stumbling and bumbling or overcompensating with epic bitchism, I learned to rationally emote and speak in an even tone with conviction. 

Truly this is part of my daily 10th step which most times is written.  My personal insanity on a page to show me what is true and false.  Us recovery folks have a hard time with that you know.  So if you’ve got a brick wall or twenty (that you’re aware of … which is an entirely different blog) stop.  Write. Challenge. In ALL areas of life. Get into some advanced thinking here.  If there’s a problem that occurs ovah and ovah and … yeah you get the idea … then perhaps it’s time to shed some light on the subject.

And if I blush profusely in your presence … it’s probably either because you just complimented me (which is awesome) or a shame message has been triggered.  In which case you’ll find me hours later at the keyboard nails furiously clicking in defiance because I simply refuse to be a puppet to my sick.  Let’s make 2011 mindful.

It happens without our even knowing. An event, person, word, gesture, object.  Situation, during which some internal button is stomped on, leaving us frazzled and worn and nervous and in some cases – wanting to use … bad.  I’ve heard of times where people who are seemingly just “fine”, get a switch flipped and aren’t so “okay”.  Could be people glorifying using, in old environments, being around certain family members that … TRIGGER old sick ways of thinking and believing. In the extreme example, wanting to use again.

Triggers (yes this is a treatment word. so? people have learned things in the last 50 years about addiction. why not use it? of course I’m a former Addictions Counselor so … yeah. Triggers.)  According to Relapse Prevention (.org)

The 10 most common relapse triggers:

1. Being in the presence of drugs or alcohol, drug or alcohol users, or places where you used or bought chemicals.
2. Feelings we perceive as negative. Particularly anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear, and anxiety.
3. Positive feelings that make you want to celebrate.
4. Boredom.
5. Getting high on any drug.
6. Physical pain.
7. Listening to war stories and just dwelling on getting high.
8. Suddenly having a lot of cash.
9. Using prescription drugs that can get you high even if you use them properly.
10. Believing that you no longer have to worry (complacent). That is, that you are no longer stimulated to crave drugs/alcohol by any of the above situations, or by anything else. Therefore believing it’s safe for you to use occasionally.

Actually this goes along with many of the “slogans” in recovery speak.  Dry people dry places, HALT, Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, One Day at a Time … you get the idea.  Words that have a way of seeping in even if we don’t realize it. You’re probably thinking “Sass DUH. We already know this stuff.” Okay okay okay … you’re totally right. Or do we really know? Do you inventory daily? When is the magical moment when right becomes wrong and we can no longer “differentiate the true from the false?” (Big Book. find the page. it’s in the beginning)

What about those of us with “time”?  What about the triggers that are elusive, and not just early recovery focused? What about refraining from being a “dry drunk”? How do you stay MINDFUL??? What triggers your depression or irritation? How do you stay spiritual in the face of extreme adversity? How do go from working the steps to LIVING THEM INNATELY?

My new facebook friend Terry Gorski says (yay he rocks), who I’ve studied for nearly twenty years. (former counselor dies hard in a person) I recommend anything he writes to ANYONE in recovery …

“People who relapse aren’t suddenly taken drunk.  Most experience progressive warning signs that reactivate denial and cause so much pain that self-medication with alcohol or drugs seems like a good idea.  This is not a conscious process.  These warning signs develop automatically and unconsciously.  Since most recovering people have never been taught how to identify and manage relapse warning signs, they don’t notice them until the pain becomes too severe to ignore.”

read further for his CENAPS model of Relapse Prevention – Nine steps to awareness of disease symptomology. Priceless information. Terry is a rock star. (yes this is a link. webmaster SOOOO needs to fix this. sheesh.)

One thing I know from MY personal experience is … relapse happens a very long time before the event actually occurs.  Little bits of depression, listless, hopeless, helpless seep back into the crevices of my mind; taking over the subconscious even WHILE doing the basic recovery work.

Be aware of your finger on the triggers. Your pointer can be used for better things. Like nose picking or pointing upwards for emphasis. Maybe even poking the sleeping guy in a meeting when it’s his turn to share. What? It could happen.

So. That being said. It’s not a right or wrong thing. No need for defenses in this endeavor. We all have the same sick. Different symptoms perhaps but same disease attacking our inner winner. Be mindful today… without judgment. And know that surrendering to the idea that we can’t do this alone = WIN. Use all tools at your disposal.  Be well this day.