If you’ve ever been to an “anonymous type” meeting, you’ve probably heard about this strange word called acceptance.  Dictionary.com defines as “the act of taking or receiving something offered.  favorable reception; approval; favor. the act of assenting or believing.” At meetings all over the universe tonight, I imagine wise folks with many years mouthing the word “acceptance” when someone flops a problem down on the recovery table.

That being said, acceptance appears to be *gulp* … “taking it” with “a favorable reception” and “believing it to be true”.  Holy shitcakes. This means that when I have difficulties (as most of us do of course) I’m to not only buy it but be glad to do so?? What the hell does that mean?  That there is some rhyme or reason to all this madness?  That if I keep putting one foot in front of the other that there will be a purpose or knowledge gleaned or some kind of courage found that wasn’t there before? That maybe just maybe what doesn’t kill us … yeah that phrase.

Maybe there’s not a reason. It could be that life is life. That fairness doesn’t exist and there’s no grand justice or big daddy in the sky that keeps a tally. I don’t know.  Don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I can remember. Remember who I really, truly am … way down deep … when the shit hits the fan.  Full of honesty, courage, strength, truth, fortitude, willingness … yeah the stuff I dig.

So perhaps the whole acceptance thing is like military issue glasses. Not much for looks or bling or even pizazz but brings some serious clarity in Buddy Holly frames.  What’s the nitty gritty of the “work” that we do in recovery?  Gettin on with the gettin on … the “no matter what” of it all.  Grit your teeth and accept it. Some of us even do it with some grace and style.  Personally I’m still a bit teenager-ish about it, the tantrums lessen every month or so and hissy fits become funny.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. ”  (pg. 417 BB 4th ed.)

Accept the things I cannot change … (serenity prayers worldwide)

“Take it” …  “with favorable reception” … “and believe”.  And whom or what you believe to be a power greater than you… (mine is a room full of drunks)  they still continue to laugh at me as I look over top of my glasses with eye rolls and middle fingers.  They accept me with all my flaws and tantrums and silliness that comes from thinking that I’m more important than I really am. They accept me with open arms and the knowledge that we share the same flawed perceptions peppered with humor. THEY YOU accept me… who the hell am I not to accept myself?

And as I continue to look over those ‘glasses’… when I decide to finally look through them again, life seems more than half full. Optimism through a reality strainer. Accepting that everything is as it should be at this very moment… it’s MY eyes that are the problem. Myopia and astigmatism in the guise of pessimistic belligerence. My prescription? A healthy dose… of acceptance.

It’s so easy.

So easy to get in that negative mind set when it “seems” as if everyone in the world is doing it. It being the backbiting, judgmental shuffle. The negative nelly wrapped in caustic crass. Seems like the world loves to kick someone when they’re down… as if it makes us feel “better” somehow to point out the obvious pain in the life of another.

“Did you see her (fill in the blank)?”

“He’s SOOO having problems at home… did you hear what his wife did with the poolboy? Well let me tell you (fill in the blank) and then (fill in the blank) and then the doctor said she gave it to (fill in the blank)?”

“Who does she think she is showing that (blankity blank) and (blank blanky blank) to everyone in town.”

When did life become rubbernecking at pain? Speaking of someone, with good intent, to see how you can help them is one thing… but to reiterate sometimes private painful things just to make YOUR life seem less shitty = fail.

We all do it. Have done it. Will probably do it… again. Especially when someone has wronged us or we “think” they’re not doing something as they should. In recovery we learn that what other people do is none of our business; and to keep the focus on our OWN recovery.  Hit any meeting and you’ll see the sick “double speak”. You know what I mean…

“He’s not doing it right.”

“That’s not in the big book”

“He’s a 13th stepper”

“She’s not working a program”

Ugh. We must be mindful of taking other people’s inventories. In other words, if it doesn’t directly concern your recovery then keep your damn mouth shut. If you have a question that is viable, with healthful intentions… ask your sponsor. Is this correct? or I heard this and wanted to check it out with you. Names not need be… named all the time. Is it important that Suzy Sober is sleeping around? Perhaps your question could be “I’ve seen someone gettin’ their groove thing on and it seems like she’s suffering consequences. How can I best be helpful to her?”  See the diff?

Intentions. Yes the proverbial road to hell is paved with them… yadda yadda. But think about yours. Or rather what are your motives? Everyday… all the time. In every situation. This takes discipline, practice, and step work (mainly the inventory steps)

First and foremost in my mind as a recovering woman is (usually)… How can I be of service?

Today… I didn’t think that way. I indulged in rubbernecking for a brief moment; instead of walking away from the negativity I just stood and nodded and listened. And I feel dirty. I have the wisdom to know the difference and I do NOT like what being “gossipy” feels like. It’s progress however. Because it’s no longer natural for me to participate in such things. It feels like a disservice to myself as well as the person being talked about.

Fortunately I have a program of recovery that teaches me how to clean my stuff right up… so says my 10th step anyway. And tomorrow I’m going to make an amends. NOT by going and telling the person what was said (that would hurt them just to make myself feel better. big no-no.) But by telling the Nasty Nellies that I was wrong to listen… and then NOT be involved again.

Sometimes the best amends we can make is to not repeat the behavior… and simply walk away. Sober style. Man… I love recovery.

I went to one of my old home group meetings last night. Cuyahoga Falls Sat. Night; a meeting that I went to rather regularly back in the day. Okay pretty much weekly for well over a decade. My bff/sponso Kat and a new friend Em (sup girls) were kind enough to go with me. After TWO Starbucks pit stops and some clothes shopping we made our way there.

Everything had changed of course; I hadn’t been there in years since moving a bit more southernly. But the ONE thing that hadn’t changed was the people. There was still a Hicken there (42 years sober. love you Tom) and several other people I’ve known since I was 19 and came into AA. (Gary and George. SO love you and it was great to see you) I was on top of the world… felt like I’d come home again. Felt like “this is the way AA is supposed to feel”, welcoming, kind, loving, accepting. The speaker was a beautiful spirit of a girl who’d been through hell and then back again… when we left all three of us were like “wow”.

And I then proceeded to rant on about how meetings weren’t the “same” where we lived.  How it didn’t have the same zest or appeal or mindset.

What a fucking moron I can be.

My sponser type bff Kat and I started a conversation about “things” from the past. She turned to me and said… I remember what you were like after you relapsed. After 15 years of sobriety fell away from you and when you came back over three years ago. I remember. Look at how far you’ve come.

Dammit.

Have I? Instead of railing about what “we” don’t have in our 12 step fellowship “down here”… why am I not focused on how I can make a difference? What can I do to create that welcoming environment? What am I doing to make it better? Bitching never did anything except get my panties in a bunch. And it certainly never helped a newcomer.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with the world I need to focus on what needs to be changed with me and my attitudes. (Thanks Dr. Paul – you know the “acceptance is the answer paragraph? yeah) And really I found a woman (my sponsor) who has loved me unconditionally from day one, treated me with kindness, that I’ve been completely open and honest with from day one. I NEVER had that “up in Akron”. There was always a part of me that I held back.

I did my stepwork like I was told. I listened. I followed directions. Cleaned house. Helped others. Sponsored oodles of girls. Was a circuit speaker at meetings all over Northeast Ohio. Big book thumper from hell. Step thumper even worse. Which isn’t a bad thing. But as far as sponsors went… I did what they said and that was the extent. Which really is what the main purpose of a sponsor is… to follow the directions to stop drinking.

But what I found in Kat? Yeah. She saw me when I was (literally) beat up from the feet up. Broken and bruised and unable to see the true from the false. I got sicker in the six month relapse than I ever thought possible. I suppose it didn’t help being in an emotionally cruel marriage for 7 years either. I’ve never had a stronger friendship than with this woman. No-matter-what-ism.  She’s taught me more than I could ever begin to mention here. And I’ll be eternally grateful.

So last night I remembered. Remembered where I came from and what is important. And for all the pissing and moaning I’ve done about the meetings down here? Well I got to meet a woman who showed me how to live again. I’d say that’s pretty fucking spectacular and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Now. To focus on what I can do to be the best possible member of this 12 step fellowship. Right. I love recovery.

Whether happy, sad, angry, lost.  Feel it to the core of who you are.

Allow yourself the respect to be just where you are.

Be gentle with you.

Take care of your needs. Bubble baths, lay in bed, stay in your jammies all day.  Drink hot cocoa and gaze at your Christmas tree. Even if you’re alone; you’re in good company.  Take a walk in the crisp snow, make a snow angel, throw a snowball or two or ten.  If it’s warm where you are, go to the beach and breathe the saltiness. See a movie,   buy a trinket cause you like it, treat yourself to you.  Work out, meditate, stretch and feel the physical presence of you. Remember that if you don’t like yourself; no one else will.  Caress your own cheek, arm, neck, legs. Explore the gorgeousness of physicality.

Do you even know how amazing you are? Deep down? Underneath the crud of perception? People can freak about being alone. I like me, dig the moments of “me” time.  Find your center, light a candle, be still and open to find out who you really are. To breathe and feel and be and bask in the glory of Amy.  Make myself laugh; gentle lover in the climax of what is … me.  Waves of orgasmic self realization course through my spirit. You can do this too.  Allow your inner love to shine and be passionate about the reflection.

It’s time. If you’re reading this, it is time. Be.  Dig.  LOVE. Get off … on you.

But if you ARE a tasker/obsessive/have to do everything right person (like yours truly) please, by all means, read on… 

I was reading a friend’s interview on Google + this morning (fantastic article featuring the ‘relentless optimist’ Laura Grace Weldon) and she used the phrase “Busy Addiction“, oddly enough I’d been conceptualizing a blog post about… oh hell who am I kidding, I write about what I’m going through at the time. Busy Addiction hit me like a ton of bricks because that’s what I do 99.9% of the time.

Task managing extremist with a penchant for running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Guilting myself if I don’t get everything done like a whirlwind, including but not limited to… raising three daughters, full time work outside the home, house cleaning/maintenance/slavery/fixing plumbing and doors and windows and floors and omg, three active blogs, editing, 12 step meetings, a budding relationship, social networking whoring… I could go on. But I shan’t.

Me time? What’s that?

Well that would be the time when I can BE versus DO. (and yes I’ve written about this before but obviously I’m not picking up what I’m putting down… for myself… so it’s a concurrent underscoring theme of KNOCK IT OFF AMY.)

So of course like I always do… I frame data into a recovery mindset. Holy smokes. Talk about a giant WHAP in the noggin.  When I applied the obsession for BEING versus DOING with a focus on recovery I thought the word DRIVEN immediately. What step are you on… what are you looking at today… what is your issue… what meeting are you going to… what are you actively DOING to stay healthy. This is obviously very necessary as umm… well… if we DON’T do those things the end result will be returning to active use and yeah… fail.

My sponser/bestie/sister type bff Kat and I were talking at work the other day about how being in recovery is sometimes SO different than the others around us in a work environment. When something happens (and not in a “good” way) many other people will look outside themselves to explain the problem. “It was so and so’s fault.” “You don’t give me enough time to get my job done.” “I’m doing the best I can.” “Get off my jock.” (lol) Whereas her and I are (almost to the point of brutal) always searching within… “What can I do better?” “Where was my responsibility?” “I need to do an inventory.” (omg) Yes sometimes it’s that severe… okay most times.  We laughed and laughed about that but then got a little bit quiet… is this always the best way? Busy busy busy task task task do do do.

Well yes. It is the best way. For without indiscriminate self exploration (with the help of others) recovery just isn’t going to happen. Us recovery type folks are notorious for blaming everyone and everything else for our drinking and drugging early on. It’s the nature of the disease. “If only you people would think/act/feel the way I want you to then I wouldn’t have to do what I do.” (You know I’m not lyin’ here.)

But is there a point where all this magnification of our behavior becomes too much? (just a little?) Especially if we set up unrealistic expectations of ourselves? I’m guily of that in a big way. Over-analyzing my actions to the point of nausea. I know this about myself. So does my support system who promptly tell me “Knock it off and get out of yourself.”

You see even focusing on your “stuff”, if done to an extreme, can be a form of sick. Ego driven blah blah blah. Sometimes things happen just because they happen. I’m not the center of the universe and the world WILL NOT END if I don’t do everything right. (go figure) EVEN IN RECOVERY. There are moments when I can put down the self inventory and just allow myself to “be”. It’s a fine line however and not to be confused with “resting on our laurels”.

The magical magnifying glass can be your best friend or worst enemy. Breathe easy today. Know that just the fact that you’re on the path speaks volumes. Take a relaxing moment or twenty. Allow yourself to just “BE”. You’ll be amazed if you do. Because sometimes you have to let all the “work” you do… soak in. So you can BE in recovery versus DOING recovery. This, in my opinion, is the difference between talking the talk… and walking the walk.

Love you people and, as always, I love recovery.

It’s more of who you ARE (on the inside) than what you DO on the outside… that people will remember.

Think differently than the rest… you are an original. Sheep-ism is so last week.

Know that no matter what… you are valuable.

There is a learning curve, you do NOT have to be all things to all people.

If you wouldn’t say it to a friend… don’t say it to yourself.

It takes what it takes, until it takes something different. There is no one road in life.

This isn’t about grades, it’s about doing the very best you can with what is in front of you. We don’t all start from the same spot.

For every negative thing you tell yourself, tell yourself five positives. Pretty soon your head will get tired of challenging itself.

Your love for you and your love for others should be equal; balance is the key. Problems happen when we lean too far one way or the other.

As long as you’re doing the work, everything will all fall into place.

You are not always the most qualified to critique yourself. Self doubt is a pain in the tuckus. Get a couple of opinions before passing judgment.

Learn to receive as gracefully as you give.

You… are never alone.

interdependency

–adjective
mutually dependent; depending on each other.
partnership; being equal.

Interdependent. Not to be confused with it’s insidious
cousin with no surname (dependent) or backwards toothless
cousin Co. Not some sick twisted representation of misguided
attention; interdependency is for the advanced classes kids.
It’s easy to achieve once you have the knack for it however.

Other people are our teachers, guides, mirrors … whatever.
The basis of 12 step recovery is “give it away to keep it”.
One person helping another. Let’s even take it past the program
verbalizations. How bout simply being human?? People need people.
Not in the sick twisted way of “some” of our former relationships:
I’m only okay if you’re okay. Better yet, I’m only okay it YOU
SAY I am. Pshaw. I don’t NEED you to like me or even think I’m
okay. I KNOW innately that I am.

I also know that YOU are okay. Not needing me to change or fix
or meddle in your business, fully confident in YOUR ability to
manage your own life. Having your own answers, all you need is
an ear or shoulder or someone to sit still with you in the
silence. To be “present” in your space.

In regards to such ideas I came up with a “short” list of common
characteristics of interdependency according to me and me only.
Disclaimer: NO one else is responsible for this rhetoric:

- letting people be where they are
- coming to the table liking who you are
- not taking everything the other does personally
- being transparent and sharing who you are without
expectation
- being attentive to your own issues and compassionate
towards the other involved.
- meeting your own needs for self evolution and not
expecting anyone to “fix” you or make it all better
- knowin when to push a little or not at all (this takes
practice … i still screw up on this one frequently)
- active listening
- sharing your stuff (when appropriate)
- being as genuine and present, in the moment, as you
possibly can be
- respecting yourself and, as a result, the other person
- being nurturing to self and others (get the running theme here?)
- affection, caring, and compassion

His Holiness the Dalai Lama says it much more accurately than I ever
could. He’s just got it like that.

“It is almost as if human affection is the very basis
of our existence. Our life cannot start without
affection, and our sustenance, proper growth, and
so on all depend on it. In order to achieve a calm mind,
the more you have a sense of caring for others, the deeper
your satisfaction will be. I think that the very moment
you develop a sense of caring, others appear more positive.
This is because of your own attitude.” ~ Dalai Lama

I try to live these ideals daily. Ask one of my friends … they’ll
tell you how I am and how much I attempt to be compassionate in
word and deed. They’ll also tell you how I fail at this but that
I do my very best to be transparent. The give me bonus points and
cookies for “nice tries” and “almost got its”.

In essence the human condition lends itself to relationships.
This cannot be avoided. We are social creatures and more often than
not are in some sort of relationship with others. So as a general rule,
being interdependent can be a real boon to healthy interactions.
Let’s move on to the next level of things … let us be together
and see what we can learn from each other. Inter-dependently.

What do you do when you’re hurt? And not in the “some guy hollered at me in the store” or “I got cut off in traffic” or “my boss said I needed to improve”… sorta way. But when someone you’re close to… screws up.  What if that person in your life (family, friend, ‘close’ person) does it a lot? Says mean things or reacts negatively to you in some way… over and over and over again.

I know. I know. You say… “Tell em’ off. Or to go fly a kite. Or even don’t be around them anymore.”

Does that work? Get over it or deal with it or get thick skin or forget it or write about it or or or… yeah.

What’s so wrong with just feeling it? Is it so bad to cry? Is it so bad to allow yourself to grieve? Pretty rotten things happen when you don’t… repression leads to resentment leads to … fail.

And then after you feel it, after the tears have dried and you’ve washed all the black mascara off your raccoon eyes, after your chest feels like the elephant has finally gotten up… then you look through the lens of compassion. For them.

Say what? Huh? Why the hell should I do that? THEY are the ones who were jerkoffs and did this… and then that… and then… yeah how’s that working out for you? Looking through the eyes of compassion means you “get it”. Firstly you understand it’s not about YOU, it’s about THEM and their reactions. It shifts everything back to the source instead of carrying it on your shoulders. Want an example? Sure. Why not. Writing this out is the only thing I know how to do. So why not share it.

Mom. Mine. Stifled. Suffocated. Inundated with shame since birth. Raised a “good” (strict) Catholic. Filled with body image issues and shame about sensuality. The old “good girls don’t do that” and “put those things away”-isms. Taught by HER family. No rejoicing or reveling in femininity. No flirting allowed. No accentuating the feminine. No… fun at all.

Imagine being raised that way. Oh wait. I was. But somehow had the ability to reach past that dogma; to strive for what made me feel good about myself instead of being stuck in everyone else’s ‘rules’. Wow. Okay so when hurtful comments are made I understand WHY. I understand that it’s because of HER upbringing and cultural norms and stereotypes spoon fed by stiff upper lip types. Oh. Right. Kinda melts away the hurt a bit. A lot.

Does this make it okay for people to be unkind? Hell no. What it does is make ME feel okay, knowing that it’s not so much about me. Compassion for her experience allows me to let her be where SHE is and not expect her to be different. Helps me to say a funny quip about cleavage versus getting hurt/upset/angry when the word “slut” is used. To not react to a negative insult about eye makeup or hair styles or or or… yeah I think you get it. Good thing? I get it too.

Stepwork helps with this. I KNOW what’s mine and what’s NOT.  Greatest thing ever? I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S STUFF… ONLY MINE.

I’m me. Other people’s opinions of me do NOT have to be MY opinions. I like me and it’s taken me a long long time to get here. Compassion teaches me to feel empathy for others who DON’T like themselves. It’s natural for people who DON’T like themselves to put down others. Remember… we treat other people the way we feel about ourselves.  Wow. That’s interesting yes?

So the next mean person in your life who says something less than kind or downright cruel, is really hating themselves. Holy crap. Think about that in your OWN context. When you are hurtful to others you’re really exhibiting your opinion of YOU. Kinda changes things doesn’t it? I know it does for me. Compassion doesn’t mean doormat. It does, however, mean you don’t take it on as YOURS. That you realize the culmination of another’s life experience has shaped the way they are today. (with a dash of humility for flavor)

Talk about flipping the switch. Mean people are mean to themselves. How horrible do you feel deep down when you know you’ve hurt someone? Imagine then… how THEY feel about THEMSELVES. Yeah. Yikes. So to de-”mean” in this context helps me to figure out that it’s really not about being mean to me… at all. It’s about them, not having life skills to see things in a healthful positive way. And so? The ‘mean’ melts away and I am left with… compassion.

Neat stuff this program yes? YES. I love recovery.

The mob mentality. One starts the brawl and people begin to realize that they have achieved power through disorganized chaos. And the bottle breaking begins…

Wisegeek.com says:

The term “mob mentality” is used to refer to unique behavioral characteristics which emerge when people are in large groups. It is sometimes used disparagingly, as the term “mob” typically conjures up an image of a disorganized, aggressive, panicked group of people. Social psychologists who study group behavior tend to prefer terms like “herd behavior” or “crowd hysteria.” The study of mob mentality is quite fascinating, and it is used to analyze situations which range from evacuations gone awry to the moment when demonstrations turn violent.

Panic. Aggression. Crazed hatred. Over a police shooting in London. According to Addiction Magazine in an article written by Jeff MZ:

In the last week, there have been riots over the shooting death of local hoodlum, Mark Duggan, who was allegedly shot and killed by police during an attempted arrest. The police had alleged that Duggan fired first. However, the Independent Police Complaints Commission has determined that Duggan did not fire first and, in fact, the gun in his posession had not been recently fired at all. Police had alleged that Duggan fired and hit a police officer who was saved by his police radio. The commission has determined that the round that hit that radio was from a Heckler & Koch firearm which was police issued.

How does this impact a recovering community? Well seeing that it’s not safe to leave their houses, and as they’ve been told as much by the government; meeting goers in London are forced to stay home. Not to mention the fear for your safety and well being of family and friends taking it’s toll.

All I can think is how those of us in recovery have chosen to leave the herd mentality behind. To do the right thing no matter what everyone else is doing. Anytime I see catastrophe and the worst in the human condition, I immediately am moved to think of how recovery has changed my life. Focusing on me and my behavior, not the actions of others; and how that is so very rare.

All given freely by people like you. Yes. I love recovery.

Tonight when you lay down to rest your eyes at the end of a long day, think of those who might not be safe. Those that can’t get to meetings… those who are still suffering because of external (or internal) conditions. And say a prayer for the safety of those in London-town.

In The Rooms (http://intherooms.com) will be holding an online video 12 step meeting for those folks in London who can’t leave their homes. Pretty amazing and compassionate. I’ll be there.

Yeah. Balance is important. In every affair and no not the cheat on your spouse kind although that might be a good blog topic for another day. So I’m the new Editor-In-Chief of this new ITR magazine thingy, going to be getting a promotion at work that will cause me to move several states away, doing an internal website for that job, plus write my own blogs (3), and raise my daughters by myself. Ummm now that I see this on paper it would seem that my life is a big psychotic whirlwind. *ahem*

We all want to achieve yes? Succeed (for the most part we do … unless we self sabotage which is ANOTHER topic for another day) strive for our goals in life, and do the very best we can with what we have in this recovery we’ve been given. What happens? Well speaking for myself, I get “stretched”. Real thin. REAL REAL thin. And I can’t give my all to what’s in front of me because I’m worried about what I have to do next. I do all my writing after the mini ninjas go to bed (if they cooperate it’s 9. yeah. most times it’s later. i’m such a sucker) and that leaves this HUGE amount of ‘stuff’ hanging over my head, like an anvil dangling precariously over my noggin. I call it “anticipation of the crash” sounds poetic but mostly bleck.

We can’t be all things to all people. Can’t do every little thing we want to sometimes. So we learn to prioritize. Set limits and boundaries and goal lists and and and … yeah sounds like more work to me too. Gah. But it’s a small thing in comparison to allowing the “coulda shoulda woulda’s” to haunt us. Should get this written, could have done a load of laundry instead of blogging, would have rather been playing with my daughters than go to work today” Oh my. Doesn’t sound very  recovery focused does it?

So my goal for today … (ugh) … is to write out a reasonable timetable for my life. Yes. I know it sounds silly. But is it? Better than whirling about when I’m going to get this done or that done or whatever. I’ve not blogged here at I Love Recovery for wayyyy too long. I’m  sad about that. This is one of my biggest 12 step activities and I love the interaction here and on the facebook page. *sigh* Promise I’ll be better about it because this is an integral part of my recovery process. Not the boss or getting paid for it or anyone even knowing who I am. Just my heart and soul sent to you … on a page.

I love the idea of that. Missed you cool kids. Much love to you today. And as always … I LOVE Recovery <3