So. We get sober/clean.  We go to meetings, get a sponsor, do stepwork … all the necessaries.  What now? How in the sam hell do I have FUN and not use?  All my receptor sites, gut level instincts, behaviors, and attitudes have focused on using for so long that fun seems to be a distant memory.  I used to see people laughing easily, totally comfortable with who they are, doing cheezy things like bowling or dancing; and think “How are they doing that?”.  I mean really.  NOT being messed up and doing really silly things with no inhibitions? They’ve got to be lying about their clean time. I mean OMG.

Then I got involved with young people’s conferences, Founders Day (being from Akron), sober dances, dry clubs, parties and on and on… and so on and so forth.  There is never a dull moment if you choose it that way. Within your vicinity right now, there are plans a brewin’. For clean dances, card parties, bonfires, conferences to liven up the deepest of the winter blahs. The secret here is INVOLVEMENT. Being part of a 12 step fellowship, means just that. Fellowshipping. Camaraderie in the form of shared pain and loss mystically transformed into laughing kinship and love.  In my meetings we say,

But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. ~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 132

It may seem hopeless.  We can’t go from rippin it up from dusk til dawn to sitting at home and knitting a flippin’ doily on a Saturday night. Get into it! Jump in the middle of the fellowship and see what happens. I know it’s scary sometimes. Trust me … getting sober as a young person was freaky.  I thought “I’ll never have fun again.” Man was I wrong.  If you’re bored in recovery then you need to open your eyes to whats out there. Camp outs and bar-b-ques and people playing their music stuff; skinny dipping sober (shhh about that one, that’s really between me and my sponsor), the satisfaction of laughing so hard after an all night sober party that my stomach is sore for days after. YES!!! It can SOO be like that.  Plan to hit an NA convention (from what I hear they’re EVERYWHERE),  go to Founder’s Day in June,  or international AA convention in Texas this summer, copy and paste this link into your browser and DO SOMETHING for sober’s sakes.

http://www.anonymousone.com/activities.htm

Love and laughter and joy and peace. You’ll find it here. So what if you’re afraid? We ALL were. Remember that everyone you meet in the rooms was new at one time. WE GET IT. So when we reach our hand out to you … know that it’s done by one who “gets” you. In a way no one else can know.

Kick your heels up. There’s a time for tears and doin’ the work but also a time to shake your groove thing, laugh your ass off, be silly and playful and sing bad karoake songs. We’ll laugh with you until our tummies ache. You’re not alone anymore and remember Rule 62 from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 149,

“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

As I look back on my scribe vibes, I see the progression of transparency.  At the time I just wrote what was happening, here at this hot spot as well as my personal blog.  After the year of the relapse, I just started writing (again) on a whim on In The Rooms. No biggie right? Just did what felt natural.  Didn’t expect a single person … okay that’s a lie.  I expected my close pals to read and laugh at/with me, but that’s about it.  Next thing I know … the boys in the loft say … you wanna write some scratches at this bloggy thingy we got goin? Or some derivative of that sentence – you get the idea. Sheesh.

Somehow I had found my voice.  How vital this has been to my recovery process??? Good gawd a mighty you have NO idea.  Or maybe you do.  Voice. Internal miraculously transformed into external data.  Be it words or music or dance or painting or poetry (yay) or knitting or macrame or what-the-hell-ever floats your dinghy.  (Except gun collecting seeing as I’m a pacifist by nature … I don’t get it. Then again I don’t have to.  As long as YOU do.) Expressionism. Recovery style.  Of course not limited to just us folks … the human condition has shown itself to be in need of an outward vehicle for their internal dialogue.   I’d say (and of COURSE I’m biased lol) that recovery folks have an edge in many ways.  Art in many ways is begotten by emotion.  And when we start to FEEL again??? Well let’s put it this way. We gots lots to “say” no?

It’s the steps and the identification exploration of our disease that helps us trudge the road to happy destiny.  There’s more than one way to skin the proverbial kitty cat.  I find that yoga, meditation, writing prose, painting, poetry, drawing, dancing, singing … is in every way a form of prayer.  Sending out energy to the universe, no matter what form it takes is win.  Emoting with tears in the sadness is healing.  Dancing joyfully for the peace achieved is … a very big deal indeed.  Painting a picasso of need when you’re soul starved is epic. It ALL equals win. It’s not so much WHAT you do. It’s simply that you DO SOMETHING. Preferably non-harmful *ahem*. Yes I’m looking over my glasses right now.

Your voice.  Your instrument. Your healing. I, for one, want to see/hear/feel it.  I’m able to create based upon the people around me.  And YOU … well you’re some pretty damn cool kids.  I so dig ya.  This has been one of the most amazing “vocal exercises” of my entire life.  So, I show you mine … you show me yours. Post (on the facebook page or on my profile on ITR) Y O U.  Art, poetry, videos … whatevah.  I wanna see this amazing group of drunks and dope fiends show the recovery discovery … whatever it may look like. Together we form a choir. Of hope. Recovery Rock Opera.

Post Script :  Lewd and lascivious content can be mailed privately. Jokin. Sorta. Okay I AM. WHAT-ever and an *eye roll* … I’ll post some SassySoberGirl poetry and you all can laugh.  I’ll laugh too.  If I can’t laugh at me? I’m sunk fo sho.  Can’t wait to read you.   *mwah*

If you think about it we do this when we come to the program of choice … step away from sick and embrace this shiny scary world called sobriety/recovery.  New concepts such as honesty, realization, accountability, and trust can rock us to our very foundations. That one fateful moment in time that we have the “light bulb” light-up of … I’mma do this. And then we take that first fateful step through the archway to freedom.

Believe or not, time passes and the recovery show can feel “normal” (whatever THAT means right? haha.) Meetings and friendships and Anonymously speaking becomes rote, if you’re lucky enough to as they say “get it”. Work and perseverance transforms into peace and serenity, with the working of a few simple (not easy) steps.

And then we hit plateaus. (In the spirit of recovery-speak ie: experience, strength, and hope.) Okay I hit plateaus. Where it becomes painfully obvious that movement need be made.  I get comfortable in my routine and it takes something epic to push the proverbial envelope.  Currently it’s being more social, that is on the plate in front of me.  Sounds rather silly seeing as I have the enormity of recovery friendships in my life.

Most of my time in the program (15 years that came and went with the relapse of a midtimer), I was extraordinarily involved in the social aspect of AA. Sponsoring hundreds, speaking at meetings at least once a week circuit style, convention chairperson, GSR, home group secretary, permanent friday night fixture at Country Kitchen on a friday night with a couple dozen other drunks, dances … I could go on here. But I won’t.  Point is I got the whole “doing” thing on a grand scale.  Of course I was single and without three mini ninjas to be responsible for so I could rip and run as I pleased.

This time around (oh lawd I hate that phrase but it need be said), life has changed dramatically.  My life is no longer my own and the three little angel butts that call me Mommy, take precedence.  Meaning that my “get up and go” gets complicated; babysitters and whatnot.  Being divorced and working full time and recovery work and (OMG) writing (!!!) consumes much of my time.  Where’s the fun? Where  -  did  -  the  -  social  –   go?

Don’t get me wrong. My life is uber fun with the ninjas and I pretty much write any other time they’re sleeping or eating or not on my lap.  I’ve found a new voice and I adore it.  But this other small area (having a grown up social life … as in OUTSIDE the house) has taken a hit baby.  I’d really rather stay home and write; which has pretty much become who I am and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Then there’s the whole healing from divorce slant, time takes time yanno. It’s important to not just jump in the dating show again.  But that’s over now. (wow. and i thought it would never end)  Then I’m asked out. Over and over again to the point where hearing myself say NO … sounds base.  I start running out of excuses.  I go with a group to a kid friendly event. I am … surprised.

Not so much by me having a good time … but by what I glean from the experience.  It’s very difficult to gauge who you are sometimes when you don’t have anyone to bounce “you” off of.  How am I different … same … similar. What I like, don’t , wanna do different. How comfortable am I … what’s my reality … true and false?  It all boils down to living out loud.  My friend J (mwah) said it better than I ever could:

As far as I go I take the f’g shots. When the  outcomes do not line up    with what I expected then I know my predicting skills need work. So  I adjust. Then take another shot. Then another. Another and another. This is how I live. When I do not take a shot it is because I already know from other learning experiences (mistakes/screw ups) that the shot is useless.  ~ Jscott-ism # 9023 or someshit (there will be much forthcoming from the J that is great when his site hits called Daily Suicide – Because mistakes must be made. Can’t wait) Damn I’ve got cool friends. *wink*

To make this long blog smack a smidge longer – sometimes … MOST times … the answers will not be what you expected. There is no comparison/contrast in a monochrome styling. Sure one color can be gorgeous but it’s the refractory factory of the colors and the way the light bends and twists around the edges … that’ll lend you to a life well lived.  Taking risks? Being “out there” in raw vulnerable style? I say Yeah and Hallelujah. If nothing else … you’ll learn something new … about you.

Say … yes. Ahem. Run in the rainbow.  Besides I look damn good in just about every color … cept chartreuse … oh and maybe bright yellow  (it’s a blonde thing) …

It is best to form teams, and make it a competition, matching shirts are even a plus. Of course many bowling allies have bars in them, which makes it easier when going out with larger groups. It is almost like you can have so much fun being in a large group of people sober, and forget that there are people who are normal and drunk next to you.

I know this post is short and sweet, but I just thought it’s something fun you can try out if it’s bumming you out that you can’t get drunk and dance on tables anymore.

It is almost like we are working steps and changing our lives to fit into society, but the society I see is one that makes it okay to be 15 years old and get drunk every weekend with your friends. The stigma is that we as a society, have made it acceptable to get drunk and celebrate and bond during a holiday. There are many times I can remember getting wasted and becoming best friends with someone, for the night. The fact that I feel like I barely have friends right now is making me yearn to just have that bond, even for one night. So how am I supposed to want to be a productive member of society, when society makes it okay for me to slowly kill myself. I certainly do not want that. I am trying to figure out where I belong and it is a journey that is taking me to places where I am learning so much about myself, and my disease.

Sometimes I feel out of place at meetings, I don’t know if it is my disease or actuality, but I never used alone, it was always at parties with people. I think it’s my disease trying to get me to feel isolated so that I use. So instead of doing that, I talk about it, here, or in meetings, or with my support. I utilize intherooms.com for support lately. I have been able to connect with others, like myself, who are trying to change their lives and become people who enjoy and appreciate life.

This Halloween I will not focus on what I am missing out on because I am an addict. I will embrace that I am an addict and celebrate the fact that I have money to get a costume(barely thanks to the economy). I will enjoy being with a partner who truly loves me for me, and accepts my defects. I will be thankful that God has given me a second chance to truly live life, clean and sober.

Anyways the point I am trying to make is that it is now almost okay to be 16 and go out and get drunk at a party with your friends. So for me, the constant struggle is being able to form friendships and have a social life while continuing my sobriety and living in recovery. When I first got clean, I used to go to a hookah bar that hosted sober parties through www.sobernightlife.com. The same place every week is tiring, and can quickly become a bore. In the beginning of recovery, I found that I had to readjust to doing many activities without drinking or using before. Bowling for example is something I haven’t done without a pregame since I was about 9. It’s hard for my brain to process that I can’t drink before a night of bowling with friends, even though I know that if I did I would end up robbing the place, and having a needle in my arm by the end of the night.

So I pose this to my fellow recovering addicts, alcoholics, and anyone else recovering from any type of addiction: What do you do for fun, in order to stay