Who exactly ARE these “winners” that everyone keeps talking about sticking with??? I mean really… how do you know who to talk to or whom you should run the hell away from? People can appear to be anything they choose …  at first. Appearances are deceiving and talk is a cheap 10 dollar hooker who looks great from a distance.  I’ve made the mistake several times (those who know me are nodding EMPHATICALLY right now) of being very trusting … but only to a point.  Always, always, and again I say foghorn leghorn style ALWAYS … something, on the gut level, told me to be careful. People in the 12 step world will OFTEN spout stick with the winners. Even the “losers” (opposite of winners … I would prefer “sickers” but hey … parameters) will say these golden words with a sickly silver tongue.  My take on what attributes to avoid and what ones to look for in connections with people … not only recovery but everywhere.

We will start with the obvious and move to the more abstract here people.  Ass grabbing, asshattery, know-it-all, negativity seeping through the skin tight jeans. Judgmental, holy roller, sad sack, nothing is right with the world and all it’s denizens. Shifty, sketchy, “let’s have coffee at my place cutie”, used car salesman (offense intended) greasy, gossipy bitter betty’s laughing at the new girl with thick black eyeliner (yeah that was me bitch … and I ain’t new NO mo’).  Angry, zealot, yelling, in your face spittle, with a shame chaser for not doing what “they say”.The idea of being genuine. Too much happy, too much angst, too much of TOO much. Well, it’s just too much.  No one can be one way all the time – warning wil robinson danger approaches!

NOW … having said all that garbage. I’m really okay with people being that way. It’s where they’re at and most times they don’t perceive their actions with clarity … I mean we’re always the last to know … yanno?  I, like many others, have the eyes to see with compassion and let people “be” where they are.  It wasn’t always so … when I was new I trusted and trusted and trusted and OUCH.  So let this old scarred burned hand tell you from having the experience of touching the stove one too many times … what healthy can look like.  (Paraphrased from my first sponsor back in 92)

Kind, content, non-judgmental but firm, compassionate and sincere, never hear a bad word about a person (thick eyeliner or no).  Comments from the heart whether they be angry, sad, happy, or silly.  Easy to laugh and non drama making, cross talking and ego left at the door. No need for accolades, acts of kindness unspoken, gentleness with a ninja kick added for good measure.  Closemouthedness, keepin’ the real, not afraid to say the bad of the shitty day but quick to say how to resolve it.  Genuine and wise, sage lessons given freely without expectation.  The knowing that sponsorship is NOT ownership and people make their own choices.  Content in their skin without anything needed from you, unconditional love for the still suffering, slicing through shame like a hot knife in buttah.  The first one to approach the unapproachable, hand outstretched.  Sometimes these people are disliked for not playing the game. They are okay with that.  Self esteem wins out in the end. They don’t spout the steps, they live them, word and deed… life and breath.

Most of us fall in the middle somewhere I’d imagine. Work in progress, have a bad day or ninety, tough times, blah blah blah. But the phrase “Stick with the winners.” says to me that even if my ship is sinking, I can look for the hand that is love without condition, stuck out JUST BECAUSE they’ve been there too.  I see people bitchin’ all the time about sick people at meetings … you will find what you seek everytime. Focus on sick … that’s what you’ll get. Look for the bright… boomerang baby there’s the light.   What you focus on becomes reality… truly.  So eyes open and use this page for reference if need be. Checklist available upon request.  Trust your gut, deep way down. That’s where the real is … it will spot kindred spirits every time.   Next time we’ll discuss saying “Hi. My name is…”

My head is a liar.

Yeah yeah we know. All our heads lie to us. True. But as the Big Book says we ‘learn to differentiate the true from the false’. How? Well by step work of course. Doing daily inventories and all that razamatazz (see your sponsor for further reference i’m sure he/she will have TONS to say about this).

Problem, for me anyway, is that the longer I’m sober the more complex the lies become. Flavored with just enough of the truth to be believable, the twists and turns of the magical magnifying glass that is my sick thinking takes me through Dante’s nine circles of hell. Just enough truth for me to buy it on some level, a nagging voice deep down inside with the label of “DOUBT”. This ‘sick’ even uses my own recovery against me, quite frequently if I really examine it. Subtle messages of fail that create chaos with a healthful tangy aftertaste.

Examples? Sure why not. I’m always one for sharing my ridiculousness… no shame is the name of my game.

“These people don’t want to read what you have to say about recovery. You sound like a broken record. Can’t you think of anything new or exciting or worth a shit? Maybe you’ve used up all your words. It happens you know. I mean it’s not so bad to be a failure. You always say you have to fail to grow right? So you’re growing out of this whole thing. Just give up. Surrender to win yes? Yes. You deserve a break. Where’s your stepwork now smarty pants?”

So… as I’m sure I’ve said a hundred thousand times before here and other places, I challenge it. I have to. It will swallow me whole if I let it in even a little bit. I literally write… it… out. Recovery style.

“Well if recovery is only about the response I get then it’s not really giving it away now is it? We do the things we do in recovery because they are simply what we have to do to stay sober. This isn’t a popularity contest or how many people read or even if I even LIKE what I’m writing.

This is one of the ways I do the 12th step. Giving it away no matter what… for no money… no recompense and no acclaim. My name isn’t even here so it’s not about ego. It’s about connection and sharing who I am and what I’ve been taught about recovery so I don’t pick up that first drink. Because, as you well know, to drink is to die for people like me.

So I’ll share this stuff as many times as I have to, because I have a quick forgetter. And I’ll write on I Love Recovery as long as they’ll let me because being a writer is WHO I AM. Not for pay or for accolades but because it’s a big part of my recovery. Just because I might not like something I write doesn’t mean it isn’t worthy.

Since when am I the best judge of character when it comes to myself? I still don’t see things clearly but somehow when I write them out… it matters. To me. And frankly if no one else gets it that’s entirely okay… I get it.

When I live in fear of opinions, I’m in sick thinking. When I project outcomes, again sick. And sure failing is a part of life and we learn from such things… but it doesn’t mean we don’t pick ourselves up and keep going. This is called courage. I have it. I am more than I believe myself to be.”

and if I’m being VERY technical… I write out my 10th step in the 4th step format.

Who do I resent?  ME.

Why? For not being enough. For caring too much about other’s opinions. For being afraid.

What does it affect? Security, Self Esteem, Personal Relationships, Pride, Pocketbook (financial)

How am I being 

Selfish? I expect myself to live to some imaginary standard of right/wrong good/bad without even knowing what to measure.

Dishonest? Acting as if it doesn’t matter.

Self Seeking? Negate accomplishments. Downplay good things that happen.

Afraid?  That the other shoe will drop and I will fail miserably.

This may seem like a lot of work. It’s not really. It’s my process. It is EXACTLY what the book tells me to do. And if I’ve learned nothing else since 1992 when I first graced the rooms of AA with my malarky… it’s that the Big Book is our guide for living. It allows me to differentiate the true from the false, to see myself and the world around me with bright shining eyes instead of the haze of the sickness that has clouded my vision for so long.  My worst enemy is me… how do I get over it? My daily inventory.

as soon as you saw plumber... you KNOW you were picturing this. don't lie.

I heard once at a meeting.  “I have eighteen inches from my heart to my head and right now it’s clogged with bullshit.” That was in the mid 90′s and I’ve never forgotten it.  Clogged with fear, desperation, self pity, anger, selfishness, and on and on and … on. (emphasis placed here if you didn’t catch it. the written word can be so tricky…  *eye roll*) The level of the proverbial clog varies and is contingent on my spiritual condition.  Draino works for clogs but might be toxic, so I’ll have to settle for the kind of clean that only comes from doing the recovery show.

I wrote it all out.  The whole sordid “affair”. Yes I meant exactly what I wrote here.  Also known as a fourth step and/or tenth step. Yep. This stuff works yo. Sooooo… I made some poor decisions. I am not an idiot. Well… at least not in this instance in many others I’m sure I qualify.  It is extraordinarily hard to stick; think Mary Lou Retton and the 1984 vault landing. Stand until you can’t, legs quivering, arms in the air, million dollar smile gleaming; don’t move an inch dammit. STICK even if the times get tough, EVEN if the times get TOUGH.  Tall and proud and all about it, even if your triple flip only went twice.  Even if your run wasn’t what you wanted … STICK the ending.   I did that. Proud of me.  Nothin’ but net for the ninja.

Other issues clogging the drainpipe… kids, work, money, court, ex-jackass-husbands, sex or lack thereof, etc etc etc … blah blah BLAH. So what. Every condition is temporary really. Think back to what you were worried about a year ago, month ago, hell even yesterday. How important is it to your life today really??? I mean REALLY really.  Pain as motivator, as measuring stick for growth. THAT is what matters.

So … I write, I talk, I cry, I throw pencil sharpeners that are clogged with eyeliner, I stay up late and eat ice cream. I do step work and talk to the one who gets me. It is enough. I am growth.  Who says sad is bad? I read somewhere once (in a big blue book… go figure) that before working the steps “we cannot differentiate the true from the false.”  Today I am able to tell the HUGE difference betwixt the two.  True feelings are to be honored and cherished and felt. False evidence appearing real is a bitch that deserves to be kicked out the door.

Used a drain cleaner called truth. Clean as a whistle baby.  Thanks Roto-Rooter … you know who you are.

Ever play that game as a kid? You know the one where you list the things you’re taking from the alphabet and have to remember them all? Yeah. I’m playing that game right now in my head. Except it’s not a game. I’m sorting through the idea (which made me quite nervous actually) that for the FIRST time in a VERY long time… I’m going out into the world.

Not only out into the world but more importantly to New York City to hang with some amazing people. None of which, to my knowledge, are in recovery. And they’re going to party like only cool kids can. And I’m honestly okay with that. Except for one little thing…

I thought… Am I even going to fit in with these people? I mean sure I write and they seem to like it well enough… but I don’t drink. Not only do I not drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic. For me to pick up again is tantamount to going back to that insanity from which I came. And no I have no desire to pick up. I’ve inventoried my inventories and am in a good spot.Wanna know why?

Cause’ I told on myself. I told my sponser and my boyfriend (who’s amazingly supportive and wonderful btw) that I was nervous. Not about the drinking but that I maybe wouldn’t be “as cool” or “fit in”. I told them that I wondered if people would think me “odd” for not drinking.

Sounded silly as soon as I said it out loud. Only a self centered drunk would think that way. As if anyone else will give a rat’s ass what I do or when. Silly yes? Yes.

But honestly I’m GLAD my head thinks that way. I’m GLAD that recovery is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m GLAD that I know myself well enough to tell on that stupidity to show it for what it really is… my sick thinking. My “not good enough”-ism.  My fear. Oh man was my 10th step a big one tonight.  An example? Sure. Why not. The more I tell on myself the better off I am. Ego is an illusion. 

What am I afraid of? People thinking I’m odd because I don’t party.

Where am I selfish dishonest self seeking and afraid?

• Selfish: I want all these people to think and act MY way (to think I’m cool omg I can’t believe I’m even typing this out loud. ffs.)
• Dishonest: I hadn’t told anyone (until today) 
• Self Seeking: Acted as if I wasn’t nervous.
• Afraid: of other people’s opinions. 

So I remind myself (as others have reminded me as well) I am a confident woman in recovery who can hang with the best of them. I also have loving people in my life who don’t think I’m an idiot … even if I think what I say sounds stupid. And… I told on my head which in turn took care of any nagging sick snippets of fail in my noggin. NOW… I’m all packed. Physically and mentally.

Always always ALWAYS… TELL ON YOURSELF. No matter if it sounds stupid or not. Then, if you’re anything like me, you can laugh at yourself a little and let yourself be happy that you have somewhere to go … that’s fun and uber cool. NYC here I come

I’m going on a trip and I’m taking my:

(Happy) Ass.

Big Book.

Comfort zone.

Directions to a meeting in the Big Apple …

yeah. I think you get the idea.

I love you people… thanks for listening to all the silliness I put out here every week. My world is an infinitely more beautiful space because of you and oh yeah I almost forgot…  I LOVE RECOVERY. 

We had a conversation yesterday. One of those random stolen moments in the work break room that I treasure so very much. Like little rays of sunshine into a dreary day, I get to work with my main recovery “person”.  Sometimes the things she says simply makes me smile… or cry… or sigh. But yesterday what she said smacked me like a 2 x 4. Considering we SELL such things for a living… it’s a “funny”. (she’ll get it)

So she says the aforementioned quote… and I was like “Wow” and she was like “Yeah” and I was like “I forget that sometimes too.” and she was like “I know” and I was like “Damn” and she was like “Gotcha”.  There ARE two more parts to that prayer besides the accept the things I cannot change piece.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now bear with me here… I know we say this prayer ALL the time. It’s a meeting topic all over 12 step land and YES I know you get “it”. But what I have to remember is this… just because I’ve heard something a gazillion times doesn’t mean I’ve internalized it all the way.

There ARE things I can change. (me and my attitudes, my beliefs, my behavior, my open-mouth-insert-foot-ism, my values, my expectations) Namely I am to have courage to work the 12 steps and act accordingly. This is no easy task. To tell a selfish person to think of others? To decrease my expectations and only focus on MY behaviors? To not only own my part when I do something asshattish.. but then to work diligently to NOT do it again? Have the courage to be accountable and to NOT live in fear? oh hell.

Then there’s the whole wisdom to know the difference piece. Take what’s MINE but not more than that. Whoa. As an avid “guilt ridden” person… you know the type excessive I”m sorry-ing and painfully reciting “you don’t have to go to any trouble for me.”. Always working on being accommodating (to a fault) and putting myself last. Afraid to ask for help or let people know when they’ve crossed a line. Yeah. THAT type. aka ME.  When someone else screws up it’s okay… but when I screw up you’d think the fucking Apocalypse was here.

So long blog post longer… there’s a hella lot of things I CAN change… with courage. And I’m to take responsibility for what’s MINE… but nothing more and have the WISDOM to know what exactly that is.

As always the solution is step work. That is HOW we change and how we LEARN that wisdom to know what’s ours and what is not so much. It’s great to quote things. It’s great to recite them often. What’s even greater is to LIVE them. I no longer have an excuse to stay sick and stagnant. I have the tools… the steps are what save my life every single day. Along with you people who provide insight … even to things I’ve been saying for 20 years.

Are you changing what you can? Are you wise enough to know the what’s yours to take and what isn’t?

It’s so easy.

So easy to get in that negative mind set when it “seems” as if everyone in the world is doing it. It being the backbiting, judgmental shuffle. The negative nelly wrapped in caustic crass. Seems like the world loves to kick someone when they’re down… as if it makes us feel “better” somehow to point out the obvious pain in the life of another.

“Did you see her (fill in the blank)?”

“He’s SOOO having problems at home… did you hear what his wife did with the poolboy? Well let me tell you (fill in the blank) and then (fill in the blank) and then the doctor said she gave it to (fill in the blank)?”

“Who does she think she is showing that (blankity blank) and (blank blanky blank) to everyone in town.”

When did life become rubbernecking at pain? Speaking of someone, with good intent, to see how you can help them is one thing… but to reiterate sometimes private painful things just to make YOUR life seem less shitty = fail.

We all do it. Have done it. Will probably do it… again. Especially when someone has wronged us or we “think” they’re not doing something as they should. In recovery we learn that what other people do is none of our business; and to keep the focus on our OWN recovery.  Hit any meeting and you’ll see the sick “double speak”. You know what I mean…

“He’s not doing it right.”

“That’s not in the big book”

“He’s a 13th stepper”

“She’s not working a program”

Ugh. We must be mindful of taking other people’s inventories. In other words, if it doesn’t directly concern your recovery then keep your damn mouth shut. If you have a question that is viable, with healthful intentions… ask your sponsor. Is this correct? or I heard this and wanted to check it out with you. Names not need be… named all the time. Is it important that Suzy Sober is sleeping around? Perhaps your question could be “I’ve seen someone gettin’ their groove thing on and it seems like she’s suffering consequences. How can I best be helpful to her?”  See the diff?

Intentions. Yes the proverbial road to hell is paved with them… yadda yadda. But think about yours. Or rather what are your motives? Everyday… all the time. In every situation. This takes discipline, practice, and step work (mainly the inventory steps)

First and foremost in my mind as a recovering woman is (usually)… How can I be of service?

Today… I didn’t think that way. I indulged in rubbernecking for a brief moment; instead of walking away from the negativity I just stood and nodded and listened. And I feel dirty. I have the wisdom to know the difference and I do NOT like what being “gossipy” feels like. It’s progress however. Because it’s no longer natural for me to participate in such things. It feels like a disservice to myself as well as the person being talked about.

Fortunately I have a program of recovery that teaches me how to clean my stuff right up… so says my 10th step anyway. And tomorrow I’m going to make an amends. NOT by going and telling the person what was said (that would hurt them just to make myself feel better. big no-no.) But by telling the Nasty Nellies that I was wrong to listen… and then NOT be involved again.

Sometimes the best amends we can make is to not repeat the behavior… and simply walk away. Sober style. Man… I love recovery.

It’s somewhat difficult to have a “Merry Christmas” … when you’re pissed off at the world.  Sometimes holidays are hard.  Ok ok ok … they can be difficult ALL the time.  Not enough money, not seeing your kids, not seeing anyone.  Throw staying sober/clean on top of it and WHAM BAM … could be a recipe for disaster.   It’s uber important to find some peace right now.  In the midst of the hustle bustle, drama in a red coat and beard, “sorry kids there’s no presents for christmas” snowballs until you’re puking from the yuletide cheer.

Exactly what is important right now? PERSPECTIVE is important.  REMEMBERING who you are … is important.  Ask yourself these things: who am I? what’s most important right now? what are my choices today?  Lemme give you my answers to these questions : 1. I’m a woman of grace, in recovery, doing the best I can with what I have. 2. Most important is my self concept and recovery. Without this I’m unable to “be” anything else. 3. Today I’m choosing life, peace, contentment, being a loving parent, and the best me I’m able to.

Who cares if there’s no money? MAKE a freakin present. Spend TIME with your babies, if you’re able.  If not write them a story, color them a picture, send it to them whether they can receive it or not.  You’re a parent ALL the time, regardless if you’re present or not.  Positive energy will find them and they will know, deep down, that you’re there.  (There will be no presents from Mommy under the Sassy christmas tree.  I’m okay with this. I’m grateful that there will be presents for them to open, even if they’re not from me.)  More importantly, be there for you.  Take the time to do the things YOU like.  Be it watching movies all day in your jammies, making christmas cookies and eating every last one, putting on that short skirt and goin to a Christmas party with some recovering folk.

Alone for the holidays?? You don’t have to be.  Hitting a meeting, holiday parties recovery style, talking to others in the same situation is healing and self preserving.  Extended recovery family many times can be closer than biological.  Let people care about you! If you don’t you’re depriving people and being selfish.  YES, I said selfish.  It’s good to give, this is true; but having the ability to RECEIVE love is a gift as well.  Know how good it makes you feel to give??? You gonna deprive someone of feelin that way by not lettin’ them love you?  Think of others. Reciprocity is the key.

If this isn’t the best holiday season … there is a silver lining.  Pain can bring growth and impetus for change.  You can deal with some serious issues right now and get the gift of self awareness from Santa this year.  Gifts of light and peace will surely follow.  Not everything is what it seems you know.  Crying is a gift. Healing a bigger one.  Let yourself light the channukah candles of truth for eight crazy nights.  Treat yourself as gently as the babe in the manger, if that’s your flavor.

You are precious. You are a Christmas present, wrapped in red and green and gold bows, sprinkled with joy and hope and love.  Give yourself a gift this year … the gift of YOU.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you don’t have to use to be okay. IT will be okay.  And when you really get down to it, it’s just another day. Except for the fat man and people singing songs bout an Aramaic baby.  It will pass and you’ll be the better for it.

Sometimes we forget what it was like. To be new. To be really really sick. To be so riddled with self centered disease that we believe our own lies.

It’s easy to forget really. When you’ve been in the rooms for a period of time so long it becomes second nature (this can come quickly or slowly depending on the level of step work you’ve done). And then you start sponsoring. You KNOW the solution, for shitsakes you’ve LIVED it. You KNOW they can get better, if you can anyone can right? All you need is Honesty Openmindedness and Willingness … and follow the steps to a bright new future alcohol and drug free.

And then they don’t listen to your suggestions or maybe you’re uber healthy and only suggest things out of the recovery manuals (Big Book or NA book).  Maybe you see them heading for a relapse and they get MAD at you for saying so. Perhaps they get involved in an unhealthy relationship or do ALL the “wrong” things and you can do nothing but sit there, on your hands, and be there.

It’s hard. It is. I’ve sponsored hundreds of girls and of course learned everything the hard way.

I’ve done the ole “I can’t believe she’s acting that way.” Well duh. IT’S MORE NORMAL (in the beginning) FOR US TO BE SICK THAN IT IS TO BE HEALTHY. Really. Do you forget so quickly what it was like to not know up from down or which way is the way to recovery?

We have a disease that tells us we don’t have one. We almost have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness by our sick behaviors.

Hate to break it to you… but no one will listen to you if they’ve not surrendered to the fact that their way does NOT work. Tried every loophole, every excuse, every “worming their way out” that they can possibly devise to NOT admit to themselves that they are SICK. (pssst… it was the same for every one of us)

If we personalize a newcomers behavior it’s rather silly. Perhaps an Alanon meeting (to learn detachment) might help. We are not responsible for someone staying sober. We are only responsible for sharing how WE got and stayed sober. It’s up to them to take the suggestions or not so much. It’s in the sharing of your experience, strength, and hope that YOU stay clean… NOT the outcome.  Let go and get out of the way of who or what is really running the show. Think of yourself as more of a messenger than a drill sergeant.

Hard lesson to learn when we’re coming from a place of love and caring; wanting other drunks and dope fiends to “get it” like we did. Just remember however… sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone alone. Experience sometimes is our only teacher. Taking someone’s “word” for things isn’t exactly our strong suit yes? We can never expect sick people to act well and then get mad at them for being the way they’ve ALWAYS been.

Our goal is to lead by example, share what we’ve learned/been taught, be IN recovery without judgment… so that we can be of optimum service.  Other people’s behavior is NOT a reflecti0n of how good/bad of a sponsor you are… it really isn’t. If you find you’re getting in too deep with a new person… take a step back, inventory, look at how you’re expecting other people to think and act YOUR way (part of the 4th and 10th step – definition of selfishness) and know that the fact that you care so much is awesome.

Because we’ve gone from completely self absorbed people to wanting others to “get it” soooo badly. THAT is a beautiful thing. Compassion and empathy are necessary… control is so last year. Love you people and as always… I Love Recovery.

Your level of transparency is directly correlated with how much you like and accept yourself. Being able to be open and honest and share who you really are is refreshing beyond belief. Gone are the days of shuckin’ and jivin’ to try not to trip over the lie that you told by omission to cover your current condition. (or something like that)

There is beauty in raw truth. Much joy in the sharing of who you are without embarassment or apologies. Bubbling up from your gut… sharing all that you are without fear no matter what anyone says.

That’s much easier said than done in this world. We’re taught to be defended, to keep “safe”. What is safe really? It’s an illusion. A lie borne of a shame based society where everyone has to “be the best”. Think of all the politicians with skeletons in their closet or the gasps when something “dirty” or “scandalous” is found out about your favorite Kardashian. (bleck) Perfection is an illusion to try to appear better than everyone else. Directly correlated with EGO (in recovery-speak we say Easing God Out) it’s all about putting your best foot forward to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS you’re OKAY.

No wonder it’s so difficult for us when we first get clean. We’re taught to discard almost EVERYTHING we’ve ever known to be true. Get up and say WHAT to WHOM? Share THAT? Are you kidding me? I have to tell another person all the horrible things I’ve done/ been done to me? WHAT? I don’t know what that has to do with not drinking.

Everything. Unless and until we discover all the sick behaviors/thoughts/beliefs we have… we won’t get better. The 12 steps do this for me. Sharing with other alcoholics does this for me. And let me tell you… it’s FREEDOM.  I learned that I’m not alone. That I’m not as horrible of a person as I’ve been taught. That sharing who I really am helps me to connect with other people who are just like myself.

There was a time when I would have just died of shame to have people know my “stuff”; past discretions and painful experiences. Growing up in my house was an exercise in “keep your mouth shuttism” or “keeping up with the Romans” (as in Catholic). My family was the type that kept a choke hold on the skeleton’s in the closet and the worst thing you could EVER do was tell the family secrets. As if people didn’t know. Yeah right.

It just wasn’t talked about. Wasn’t “proper”.

Recovery has taught me a different tune. My very existence (and no I’m not exaggerating) depends on my ability to be honest and forthcoming in every area. Too many times it would have been easier to just act “as if” everything was fine… when it wasn’t. Too many times the “hiding” of my sick thinking caused so many problems.

I remember my parents coming to hear my lead back in the mid 90′s. I didn’t change it to suit them. Simply telling my story was what it always had been … and so continued to be even with them there.

My mother didn’t speak to me for three weeks…

Shame is a fear based emotion. Fear of other people’s opinions that directly impact my opinion… about me. Approval seeking never works because there will ALWAYS be someone who doesn’t… approve.  Trust me on this one. And really if everyone likes everything I say? I’m not doing it right. Do I want unhealthy people to co-sign my BS? No. Do I want to pander to others for fear of their opinion? Hell no. Do I want to live a life free of secrets and shame? ABSOLUTELY.

What other people think and do are none of my business. Seriously. All I can change is me (with the help of the 12 steps and a power greater than me ). Anything else is out of my control. And I’ve found that being unapologetically myself, with scars and flaws and defects of character and fear and and and… yeah, ME, is completely okay today. Not having to do everything right and sharing who I am is a freedom I’d not known before recovery.

You people DO realize that other people are (usually) not this forthcoming right? What a gift we have that we can share all of this… stuff.

12&12 p.59, Step Five

I mean really, how can we ever get better until we spill it. There is no room for grandiosity or inflated ego in a life well lived. No better or no worse than anyone else, but working day by day to be like a transparent glass that is always full… of recovery.

I’ve been thinking an awful lot lately about outcomes. Goals, dreams, aspirations, blah blah blah.  About making a transition to writing for a living and how I’m going to do that and where is this going to lead and omg I have to succeed at this. I had an epiphany of sorts (although of the educational variety) about how I view such things and what recovery has taught me.

Do the very best you can with what you have and don’t even think about the outcome.

Sounds simple when applying it to recovery yes? Do what’s suggested; work the steps, call sponsor-type folks, read thy recovery books of choice, go to meetings, et cetera. If you do what works … you’ll stay on the recovery roadmap. It’s just that simple. Not easy, mind you, but yes simple.  But applying this to “all” areas of my life? Ouchie. That’s where it gets complicated I complicate things.

We’re taught, in the real world (and in motivational messages), that it’s all about success. Win, win, win. Strive to be the best. Keep your eye on the prize. Kick ass and take names. Be number one. Gooooooaaaaal! It always seems, to me, that it’s all about the end result. Little, to no attention, is focused on the actual journey. How hard it is to maintain focus or the beauty in discipline or the amazing work a starving artist puts out into the world that goes unrecognized.  No one knows anything about a person until they’re a “winner”. Then they say “yadda yadda I worked hard… blah blah I failed a bunch…” But no one cares UNTIL that gold medal is around your neck. When you get your Michael Jordan-esque movie made and everyone cries because he missed X number of free throws over his career and *sniff* and *I believe I can fly* starts playing mysteriously in the background. (omg)

So we tend to get into this thought process of “WHEN” “IF” and “THEN“.  When I get this… I’ll be happy. If I win… then I’ll really be something.  That kind of thinking impacts me deeply. Even in my writing process. When I’m only worried about if people read or if it’s any good at all or analyzing data or or or … yeah, I kinda suck. My words are no longer my own and I’m in the “what do people want to hear about” schemata. When I had that whole big corporate interview thing-a-ma-bob happen (and no I didn’t get the cushy high paying corporate job where I wouldn’t have to worry about heating my house for the winter or having enough money to go around. probably a good thing anyway. okay i’m sure it was a good thing I didn’t get it.) I did that whole freaking out about the outcome thing. It was rather unpleasant. I forgot who I was. And seeing that I LIKE who I am, it was epic suck-age. I wrote differently; censored myself and was NOT in my creative space. Not even a little.

Recovery teaches me differently. That focus being placed DIRECTLY on the journey. On this moment. On the “right now”. On the taking time to appreciate the beauty of the struggle. To recognize and verbalize that when we see it in others. Not so much the outcome but how amazing it is that we’re even ON THE ROAD… to recovery.  Yes we still have goals but it’s in the MEANS to the end where the focus is placed. (gawd I hope this makes sense.)

Or to bring it to an even deeper level… we’re okay no matter what. Sort of a shift in thinking that tells me “you are amazing because you ARE” not so much “you are amazing because you do this for a living or make this much money.” I love that about the program. When we all walk into the rooms something magical happens. There is this great “equalizer”; in which we aren’t seen for what we DO, we’re seen for who we ARE. (how freakin’ awesome and rare is THAT?)

Medals tarnish, fortunes are made and lost in an instant, fifteen minutes of fame is just that… an increment of time. Contracts are broken, shows are cancelled, fame and fortune can come and then go as quickly as a Kardashian marriage. If I base my self worth on ‘achieving’ all the damn time then I’m rather missing the point. The truly successful folks out there with longevity know this also; it’s about being CONSISTENTLY WHO YOU ARE. The rest will fall into place. Always in all ways.

Cherish the journey for that is where character is made. Flash in the pans who talk the talk come and go, but the ones with quiet determination and gratitude are the ones I’m yearning to walk with… “trudging this road of happy destiny.” (leave a comment with that BB page number and I’ll buy you a coffee and we’ll chat via webcam. mean it.)

There are moments like this when it hits me like a ton of bricks… how effin’ LUCKY we are to be able to CREATE OURSELVES, through vigilant recovery work, every single day. That to me… is the biggest indicator of success.  I love you people and as always… I love recovery.