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Are You Worried About Step 9? – Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

 

 

Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

From step four onward, the twelve steps are primarily concerned with interpersonal relations—how you interact in and with the wider world. In a nutshell, you are asked to:

  1. Look back on your life and see where you have caused problems for yourself and others.
  2. Do what you can to repair the damage you have done.
  3. Live differently in the future.

Steps eight and nine are the middle portion of this procedure—doing what you can to repair the damage you have done. After working step eight, you should have a list of people you have harmed, and you should have a plan for and be willing to make amends to them all. If so, you are ready to work step nine.

Step nine should not be undertaken without first consulting your sponsor, therapist, or spiritual advisor. Period. No exceptions. Do not jump into step nine without the assistance and supervision of a mentor who has already worked his or her own step nine.

Most likely, before turning you loose to perform step nine, your advisor will want to discuss your step eight in detail, asking you about your goals in making amends, how you plan to perform your amends, and when you plan to make them. This individual, having already worked step nine, understands that timing and prudence are much more valuable at this point than enthusiasm, and can therefore guide you judiciously through the step nine process.

It is important to understand that making direct amends is not always a good idea. That is why the second half of step nine reads “except when to do so would injure them or others.” It may be that the harm you have done to someone is so severe that simply seeing you again would cause that person considerable stress and trauma. In such cases, you should probably not attempt a direct amends. It’s also possible that the person you have harmed is unaware of your behavior, and making them aware will cause them significant pain. Again, a direct amends may not be the best course of action. Furthermore, approaching someone and admitting your behavior could stir up the proverbial hornet’s nest, putting your job or freedom in jeopardy, which might in turn injure your loved ones—especially if you are your family’s primary breadwinner. In such cases, direct amends should only be undertaken after much careful consideration by you and your advisor, plus consultation with anyone else (especially family members) who might be affected. So, sometimes an indirect amends—being aware of what you have done and working hard to live differently in the future—is the best that you can do.

Most of the time, however, a direct amends can and should be made. In such instances, your advisor can help to ensure that you are making the right amends for the harm done. Sometimes just admitting your bad behavior and saying, “I’m sorry, and I’m working hard to behave differently in the future,” is sufficient. Other times you may need to repay, or promise to repay, money that is owed—along with your apology and an assertion that you are changing your behavior. In all cases, an amends is more than just an apology; in fact, the most important part of any amends is the follow-up of not making the same mistakes again.

Not surprisingly, step nine is among the scariest steps in recovery. The prospect of approaching people you have wronged, admitting what you’ve done, apologizing, making restitution when appropriate, and living differently in the future is, at best, daunting. However, making amends is rarely as difficult as we anticipate. Nearly everyone is receptive to a genuinely sincere effort. Sometimes a person you’ve long held resentments against will use the opportunity to make their own amends to you. At worst, most people will acknowledge and appreciate the effort you are making toward setting things right.

It is possible, however, that a person to whom you are making an amends will not be receptive. This occurs only rarely, but it does sometimes happen. That person might distrust your motives, might be so angry with you that he or she simply can’t accept your apology and attempts at restitution, might have an emotional or psychological issue that prevents him or her from behaving as most others do, etc. This is that person’s prerogative/issue, and it is not a reason for you to deviate from your course. You make your amends anyway, understanding that you’re doing it for your recovery, not theirs.

For many recovering addicts, step nine is a key stride on the road to lasting recovery and a life changed for the better. In fact, this change for the better occurs so often that the book Alcoholics Anonymous lists what are commonly called “The Promises” at the conclusion of step nine. The Promises, as delineated by AA, read as follows:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

For many people it is helpful and comforting to do a “promises” check-in after completing step nine. Nearly always, some or even all the promises have come true to a certain extent. Seeing this tangible proof that the twelve steps really do work is a great incentive for continued sobriety and step-work.

In future postings to this site, I will present suggestions for how to effectively work steps ten through twelve. For further information about healing from addiction, check out my website.

 

About Robert Weiss

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is a digital-age intimacy and relationships expert. He is the author of several highly regarded books, including “Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating,” “Sex Addiction 101,” “Sex Addiction 101: The Workbook,” and “Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men.” Currently, he is Senior Vice President of National Clinical Development for Elements Behavioral Health, creating and overseeing addiction and mental health treatment programs for more than a dozen high-end treatment facilities. For more information please visit his website, robertweissmsw.com, or follow him on Twitter, @RobWeissMSW.

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One Comment

  1. The Promises gave me the courage to work step 9 as thoroughly as possible first time I approached it and continues to offer comfort and hope.

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