Binging – By Kyczy Hawk

 

 

Binging – when the feeling from doing something exceeds the reason for doing something. KH

I am in recovery, I don’t’ smoke, drink alcohol, rely on relationships for self worth, or use intoxicants in any form. At least not traditional intoxicants. I have become more and more aware of my inclination to binge.

The concept of “binging” has taken on a lighter more humorous meaning as when we say “I was binge watching This is Us all day Saturday. It refers to a relatively harmless indulgence in a neutral pastime. But when this passtime becomes all the time or a time of avoidance, then the activity is not so funny.

I can binge on just about anything – I can become consumed with the importance of mopping up crumbs or tidying the house – not one thing can be out of place and the “things” that are seen as out of place become more and more minute. I can tell I am tipping over the edge when my criteria for neatness is imposed on others, and/ or when this finicky behavior becomes my overwhelming focus. I no longer listen to what someone is saying as my attention becomes consumed with a small thread on the carpet or speck on a table. I have stepped over the boundary of usefulness and into the real of obsession.

I have binged on solitude. The known factors of being alone, no need to get into a conversation when you are unsure of where the comments will lead, no concerns about being in someone’s company too long or not long enough (aversion or craving). I avoid minefields of hearing something that I can be worried about without having a solution, or of revealing something I am not ready to face. I can sometimes wrap this desire for solitude into “Down time” or “internal study” but sometimes I am isolating. I am afraid of my feelings and don’t know how to share or I am afraid of someone else’s feelings and don’t know how to receive.

I have binged both on food and on the feeling of being empty. Food isn’t food it is a feeling fought, a feeling stuffed, or trying to feel a feeling I am familiar with rather than the one I am having (fear, low self esteem, boredom, lethargy, and so on.) Sometimes it is the food; the taste the texture or the specialness of it, but more often it is the feelings. Feeling fought or feelings sought.

And yes, I sometimes binge on television shows. I want something predictable so seldom is it something unknown, unseen, or new. It is more often something I have a relationship with, I know, funny word, but it could be a memory or a character, the plot line or the location.  I leave this moment and dive into someone else’s reality. For Just One More.

Just One More: that is the kicker, that is the sign. Whether it is cleanliness, solitude, food or entertainment, shopping, or exercise, or even continuing education classes or videos-as long as I am reaching for the sake of reaching I have left the primary purpose: nourishment, fun, self care, or training; I am now consumed by the consumption.

Holidays can trigger this reaction. I buy MORE, I eat MORE, I cook MORE, I clean MORE, and all to cover an internal state of restlessness. Putting this out there let’s me own it, Lets me see it, lets me make a choice. Can I buy, eat, cook, clean decorate, rest, study, BE enough. And let the binging go?

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About Kyczy Hawk

Kyczy has been teaching recovery focused yoga classes since 2008. She is a devoted teacher to people in treatment centers and in jail. Kyczy created a teacher training program for others who wish to work in this field. Trauma sensitivity and the somatics of feeling and relating more wisely to your body are some of the basics taught in S.O.A.R.(™) Success Over Addiction and Relapse.Kyczy has been a certified Y12SR (Yoga of 12 Step Recovery) leader for over eight years and a leadership trainer for the past two. She leads workshops nationally and holds and annual retreat at the Land of Medicine Buddha in Soquel, California.Author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” , “Life in Bite-Sized Morsels” , “From Burnout to Balance” she has recently released a book and workbook through Central Recovery Press:”A Yogic Tools for Recovery; A Guide To working The Steps” as well as five recovery oriented word puzzle books.You can also join Kyczy and a host of other people in recovery every Sunday morning at 8am PT (11 am ET) on In The Rooms at the Yoga Recovery meeting. Join the Thursday “12 Step Study; Yogic Tools For Recovery” 8pm ET on ITR.Kyczy is very proud of her family; husband, kids, and grandkids, all who amaze her in unique and wonderful ways. Join her mailing list for other online offerings at www.yogarecovery.com.
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