I don’t think it was a sign but it was a nice butterfly

Its quiet here tonight and I am now in Mourning. I did a few powerful things today. I rang the Road Traffic Association and found that the Kombi was already transferred to the Girls. I got my electricity payments in order and I had the sense to ring LH in Yamba regarding Centrelink. She handled it all smoothly for me and in minutes. Address changed. Super declared. I think taxes are next and the girls have the papers so I shall just call ATO and ask advice.

lynn

Photo courtesy of Lynne

So that was big.

I also went to Doc. Olivia and she told me about systemic herpes meningitis.  Sometimes, often in fact, I am caught in this whirl of illnesses and fear – and I am not having any part of it. Tomorrow acupuncture. $90 but that’s the end of the expenses.

There are many things I wish to do – like Byron N.A. Convention and Eden and the Bell Family March get together but I am overwhelmed when I think of them and I have given myself one year in which I ask none of these things of myself.

I am able to work on my Old Proverbial Recovery tonight and that’s a first since Iz went.

Like so many who have lost someone, I have watched and waited in odd hopes of “a sign”. I don’t think I have been sent many – kind of – but last night when I was sighing over the loss, a large black butterfly flew into the kitchen and stayed. The Black Butterfly is a book he loved.

I don’t think it was a sign but it was a nice butterfly. 

THE BUTTERFLY IS BACK AND SITTING WITH ME AND THERE IS SMOKE CURLING ROUND THIS LITTLE LIGHT. 

I found some of the content of the Richard Moss Book. It seemed a little simplistic to me and very American when Iz and I first began talking of it. I had read it years before but there is no denying that the damned butterfly is fluttering all around and taking rest on my chair and in my hair and on the wall above our bed.

And the healing I am in the middle of now will need once more to be along these lines because Western Medicine inspires zero faith in me and alternate healers very little more.

What can warm me and soothe and comfort is the simple life developing around me and within me.

A lot of interesting things can happen at home. The heartbreak led to the illness which broke all bits of my body which were already shuddering and these times are a tough combo. It’s the last day of summer and its been a mighty fine summer in some strange way. Heightened perceptions and appreciation perhaps. And enormous relief to be here in the Shack. The flashes of agony strike from time to time when a thought of all the changings comes. No more being treated as precious. No more adventuring. No more ease of worry about finances and lawns etc. The flashes of physical agony and great weakness dominate many of my days and restrain me in bonds of isolation and loneliness.

And when things go wrong or fears come whispering at me, there is no longer anyone to soothe or comfort. I discipline my thinking as I did 27 years ago in Rozelle when I stopped using. I keep it contained within the day and within tight parameters lest madness take over completely.

I don’t get to as many meetings as I would like and I don’t get anywhere as much as I would like – but its OK. It is OK. There is nothing I can do about it tonight. Tonight I am in no pain. Tonight I am clean and sober. Tonight I can make some Blog entries for my OLD PROVERBIAL RECOVERY. Another day is done with some beautiful points. Boy, the wandering dog and the mists on the lagoon.

It doesn’t really matter that I can’t get out and about and don’t have dear ones here. I have INTERNET and what a wonderful difference that makes.

Now that some money has come in, I can begin to get treatment like the acupuncture and a handyman.

When Boy, the Bull Terrier came in, I was uneasy because he came straight over and blocked any way of moving from my chair here in the corner. I didn’t know whether he was amicable or not. Turned out he was and through Facebook was reunited with his family via my friend Jeff B.  Then his Dad brought me a huge box of chocolates.

My Kids are watching Harry Potter with me with 1000kms between us. Facetime – you little wonder.

There is a hole in me still and I don’t know what will happen but the day is near done and I have an idea about tomorrow.

As for Yesterday, I had acupuncture and very much liked the practitioner. And I saw my Little One get her first school award and took her shopping for a toy. She is so gentle with me when I am ill and lends me a hand. When I became ill at the Greengrocer’s yesterday, she took my hand to walk back to the car and tears come to my eyes now – for I am so lonely and so alone. I do not know at times how to go on. But I do.

I AM NOT GRABBING AT THE GOLDEN BALLS IN THE SKY NOR AM I TRAMPLING THE DAISIES AT MY FEET.

 

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About Lynne Sanders-Braithwaite

Lynne describes herself as an Elderwoman, living an estuarine lifestyle on the North Coast of New South Wales in Australia. It was 1987 when she entered recovery. She is the mother of two and a Grandmother. In 2014 she lost her partner. He was found beside the road in the middle of the Forest where he did his morning Buddhist meditations. Three months later, run down and devastated by grief she developed a sepsis pneumonia and spent 3 weeks in a coma. She describes it as a long, slow dreaming. Having survived her illness, a year later she says she thought she would come back from her coma complete and wise. However, she feels she didn’t. She thanks God for Americans who have been awake in the Middle of her Darkest Nights and Online.
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5 Comments

  1. What beautiful imagery. In some cultures night butterflies are seen as visitors from beyond. I am reminded of that as I read this on the day of Halloween. I lost my father just over a year ago. I talk to him, I am concious of him. I feel the energy still there. Your sense of loneliness resonates so deeply with me too. Thank you for your sharing. It’s touching. Keep writing.

  2. I am overwhlemed with the beauty and intensity of your writing and your images. Thank you for opening up so honestly. A year is the least amount of time you need to find your new “sea legs”. Live is rolling with swells as well as brief periods of calm. In my heart I am walking you back to your car. be well

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