I made a pot of my favourite Ethiopian coffee this morning, like I do every morning. As I flicked through my emails, I realised I hadn’t got my cup in front of me. I had left it down somewhere in the house, and now I couldn’t remember where. After ten minutes of searching and getting increasingly annoyed with myself, I found it on the white, tiled floor, in the bathroom, by the toilet. Yes, I’ve been sipping and peeing at the same time way too often lately.
I realised also, that today I have an important medical appointment. It’s my six month diabetes check-up. Too important not to keep. Once upon a time I didn’t go see my diabetic specialist for two goddam years! So, I had to cancel something else and reschedule that for next month. Later today I’ll sit in a crowded waiting room in an attempt to take care of myself.
I opened the washing machine, and realised I had filled it, but hadn’t turned it on last night. There’s also clothes hanging outside on the washing line for two days, that have been rained on several times and will need to be washed again. All this means that the pile of dirty clothes never decreases.
I need to write something this morning for The Café….
I’m forgetting to answer emails….
reply to texts….
can’t decide what to write about….
I’m really not that good a writer anyway….
is there anything in the fridge for dinner today….
Jess has football practice tonight….
gotta pick Chris up from the gym….
rent….fuck rent is due….
let me check my bank account….
damn it (enter name here), does all this working and mother stuff as if it’s a breeze….why can’t I be like her?….
the car needs to be serviced….
Meditation! I should meditate or pray…..or something before I…..
Snap!….the sound of my mind breaking.
My brain is packed to capacity. So crammed, that it’s spilling into the rest of my body, causing my muscles to ache, my head to hurt and my heart to beat too fast. I’ve become so full that the weight of it has led to fatigue that almost has me paralyzed.
Because yet again, my expectations of myself are unrealistic and unmanageable. I’m in a maze, with no clue where I should be going next. For months now, I’ve been scurrying around trying to find my way out….my way to….who knows where!
Have I overdosed on recovery?
I haven’t stopped in seven years trying to improve myself, be well, sober, stay well, achieve, not be crazy, depressed, anxious, poor, isolated. I cannot go back to that psych ward!
Have to, supposed to, should be…..are the words assaulting my brain and I have finally, just this morning, given myself enough attention to realise I need a break!
I need a break from my head, my dreams, my wants, my expectations, from comparing myself…..from wanting to be better, more, enough!
I stopped this morning and took stock of where I’m at. I mean like took time to just sit down. I collapsed into my recliner and let the sage smoke engulf the room. The struggle was unbearable. Getting the frantic me to listen to the calm rational side of me (there actually is one), is the same as trying to get a toddler to sit still. Almost impossible.
I became aware of just how detached from myself I’d become recently. In my quest to fulfill my potential, to prove something to myself, I was on my way to becoming a dysfunctional mess.
I haven’t given myself the chance to just be right where I am and enjoy where I’m at for years. There’s always the next level to get to in life.
I recalled my kids chat over breakfast, about music and school. They were showered, dressed and eating good food. All the animals were fed and happy. There was no anger or violence, no addiction, no poverty, no sadness, no crazy, present in my house this morning.
And there hadn’t been…..for years.
There was however, me, their mother trying too hard to be too much.
Who knew. I’m right where I have always wanted to be….again….probably for years.
I made a wish when I saw 11.11 appear on the clock on my computer. Usually I wish for a job/career opportunities that I love and can get well paid for. A forever home. Good health. Security.
Today I wished for continued calm and peace and to stop beating the absolute shit out of myself.