I have a chart of protocol that says,
“Let me be”
at the manic sweet spot.
When the world is rushing by
and my mind is aglow.
When I’m beautiful, and funny,
and everyone loves me.
Before I forget my illness brings unearthly joy
before I become paranoid and afraid
before the alcohol and drugs
before I become the madness of night.
Don’t take my happiness away
I just found it.
Don’t trade my paradise for a hospital bed,
I wouldn’t do that to you.
Don’t cage me in a prescription bottle.
I will come back.
I would come back if I knew I left. Maybe I wouldn’t.
This is how it is
This is how I am…
I’m floating through the vibrant rich
landscape of the universe
experiencing color for the first time.
Don’t reel me back
to the grey world of ordinary life.
I close my eyes and I am infinite.
I am a giant star the galaxy gathers around.
I am the living moment of everything that ever was,
before I become nothing
before I am less than cosmic dust
before there is nothing magnificent
about me, or you, or the universe at all.
before I hurt myself to feel anything else
before I say goodbye to everyone
before I would do anything
to go back to my grey ordinary world…
which was never that grey to begin with
and was never very ordinary
and I can’t remember what is what.
So I push myself to go on
because I know everything will be okay.
This is all temporary.