“Otheration” – Attachment To What Others Think

Before I started drinking and using, before my mom’s drinking had become the huge issue it turned out to be, before I fell in love with addict after addict I was emotionally bound to others.  It is appropriate as a baby, as a child. We learn to smile by being smiled at, how to laugh by finding things funny, to cry with a sad face in front of us. We become social by socializing ourselves to the people and situations around us. But at some point we are intended to explore and become familiar with our own feelings, from the inside out. It took years in recovery for me to find that ability. Growing up I learned to give up at games so that others would not experience the pain of losing, to behave in impeccable ways so that no one would have to be angry with or critical of… Continue reading

A Trip Home

December 5th, 2013 at 3:44pm, the weather man says it’s going to be clear and sunny till next Thursday with temperatures in the sixties after today. I finished packing up the bike, grabbed a sausage and biscuit, cup of jo, kiss and hug and hit the road. Thirty nine degrees and cloudy, and the biggest decision for me to make – what route to take to Alabama? Right or left? I choose right toward Highway 10 – the long way. Dragging floorboards on the twisties going up the highway, I knew it was goanna be a good ride. Rolling down 412 East across the Northern hills and valleys of beautiful Northern Arkansas. Small towns, narrow roads, low valleys while running the ridges, twisting the throttle back leaning heavy into the curves. Vance and Hines sung the song of my native people, stopping only for gas and occasional bathroom breaks. Coming… Continue reading

I’m A Recovering Parent – But Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Sitting quietly at home one evening, I got to thinking deeply about how my children have survived the many adverse social situations that having an addicted parent brings. They have lived in chaos and violence, witnessed the divorce of their parents, suffered financial hardship and insecurity – basically far too much for their tender years. My children are resilient to say the least and I’m beyond proud of how they managed to remain balanced through it all. However, I went from contemplating their miraculous achievements to wondering which one of my children is going to become the next active addict in the family. Can anyone relate? I realized that I watch for signs all the time. As a mother in recovery I find myself being hyper vigilant regarding the behavior of my children. My son for example; he’s 14 and generally finds life a bit baffling.  He is a great… Continue reading