Rigorous Honesty: The Key to Healing an Addiction-Damaged Relationship By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

As addicts, we damage our relationships. And sadly, the more important a relationship is to us, the more damage we tend to do. Once we enter recovery, beyond the work of staying sober and pulling our lives back together in a general way, a primary goal for many of us is healing our damaged connections—especially with our spouses and partners.

Most of the time, the most significant and painful damage, in the minds of our loved ones, involves the loss of relationship trust. As addicts, we lie, we keep secrets, we manipulate, we gaslight, and we just plain violate every aspect of relationship trust. These behaviors are part of the denial of our addiction. We lie to and keep secrets from ourselves and everyone else as a way of protecting (and continuing) our addictive behavior. Much of the time, we’re not even aware that we’re doing this. Our lack of truth and attempts at manipulation and justification become an unconscious, ingrained habit.

If we want to get out of the doghouse with our significant other, we need to rebuild relationship trust. If our partner can’t trust us, how can we expect that person to stay with us? And let me be clear here: Relationship trust is not automatically rebuilt just because we get sober, nor is it rebuilt just because we manage to stay sober for a certain timeframe. Instead, relationship trust is regained through consistent and sometimes painful actions engaged in over time.

To rebuild relationship trust, we need to make a commitment to living differently and abiding by certain relationship boundaries, the most important of which is ongoing rigorous honesty about everything, all the time, from here on out. This means that we need to fearlessly tell the truth no matter what, starting right now, even when we know it might be upsetting to our partner.

When we are rigorously honest, we tell our significant other about everything—not just the stuff that’s convenient or that we think will hurt the least. There are no more lies and no more secrets. With rigorous honesty, we tell the truth and we tell it faster. We keep our spouse in the loop about absolutely everything—spending, trips to the gym, gifts for the kids, issues at work, needing to fertilize the lawn, and, oh yeah, any interactions that he or she might not approve of. If our significant other would want to know, then we must tell. Period.

Notably, rigorous honesty is more about behaviors than thoughts. If we slip up and have a conversation with an old using buddy, we probably need to tell our spouse, and the sooner the better. If we simply think about doing that, we should talk this over with our therapist, our sponsor, or a close friend in recovery who is supportive of our healing process, but our significant other probably doesn’t need (or even want) to know. So, if we think about it but don’t do it, we need to talk about it, but we should do so with someone other than our spouse. If we actually do it, then we need to tell our mate.

In my next post on rebuilding an addiction-damaged relationship, I will discuss the difference between active and passive truth-telling.

About Robert Weiss

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is a digital-age intimacy and relationships expert specializing in infidelity and addictions—most notably sex, porn, and love addiction. An internationally acknowledged clinician, he frequently serves as a subject expert on human sexuality for multiple media outlets including CNN, HLN, MSNBC, The Oprah Winfrey Network, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and NPR, among others. He is the author of several highly regarded books, including “Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating,” “Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction,” “Sex Addiction 101: The Workbook,” and “Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men.” Currently, he is CEO of Seeking Integrity LLC, being developed as an online and real-world resource for recovery from infidelity and sexual addiction. For more information or to reach Mr. Weiss, please visit his website, RobertWeissMSW.com, or follow him on Twitter, @RobWeissMSW.
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  1. Pingback: I Love Recovery CafeHealing an Addiction-Damaged Relationship: The Personal Benefits of Integrity Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S  

  2. Pingback: I Love Recovery CafeRigorous Honesty: The Key to Healing an Addiction-Damaged Relationship By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S | Bevill and Associates Professional and Forensic Counseling

  3. Robert, Why would you not want to talk to your mate if you’re thinking of something? What are you afraid of? I wonder, if you don’t want to talk to your partner about what’s on your mind, are you in the right relationship? Also, rigorous honesty means honesty to self. That is the most important thing: be honest with yourself. Everyone else comes second.

  4. Perfect, I look forward to the next article. Thank you.

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