You’re Not Welcome Here – By Jessica Donovan

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I can’t believe it’s only been twenty four hours since I’ve seen you and felt your presence. You usually don’t show your face during the day. Although you do show up from time to time. That’s usually when I get overwhelmed, frazzled and unfocused. You just seem to creep up on me and I get scared when that happens.

We have a long history together, stemming from adolescence. I know, you don’t like being hidden but I have to force you out so I can take care of the girls. You know that. Sometimes you refuse to leave and I have to push you out the door. Even if I let you in, a cup of chamomile tea doesn’t make you happy. Does it?  Nor does practicing deep breaths and counting to ten.

You don’t like the mundane. Seems like the days you don’t come for a visit, you show up after bedtime and want to stay all night. Many nights overstaying your welcome. What can I do though? I could force you back out with the help of a friend but that option leaves me so much more exhausted.

You see, I get very little time to myself so when the girls go to bed I like having me time. Won’t you go away for more than one day or night? No, I don’t like constantly feeling like someone is standing over my shoulder while I’m watching TV. How come, when I’m doing the dishes you like to come up and terrify me? Offering the most insane ideas of how I won’t be here to do dishes after my kids go to bed because I have an undiagnosed cancer. Is that necessary? I don’t think so.

The cancer is you. You follow me everywhere I go. You must think that when my husband is working overnight that I need some company. I don’t! I’m better without you. I don’t need you here to nervously move my feet and legs when I’m trying to relax. I really don’t like how you make me think about how broken I am. That my life’s circumstance growing up have left me to become a woman that is less than in everyone else’s eyes. Telling me I’ll never truly find who I am and that I’m not to par.

While we are on that subject, the constant ear chatter about how I’m not a good enough woman or wife is total bullshit and I’d appreciate you cutting that out. None of your negative talk is true and logically I know that. There are times you’ve got me convinced though. I know that you like to leave me sickly looking and with bags under my eyes in the morning. The exhaustion you leave me with only makes me want to neglect taking care of myself. Every day I try so hard to ignore your presence.

Somedays you don’t even show up. Others you barge right in like a nosy mother in law- chattering nonsense. I do know one thing, you don’t like other people at all. Besides my kids and husband of course. Although when my husband is at home, you only take up a quiet seat at the table. I know for a fact that you hate my friends. You don’t like to see me laughing and happy. So you sit quietly in the corner pouting. Family shuts you right up. Wonder why that is?

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 Could it be because there’s no way for you to get a word in edgewise? I think so. You get silenced, the same way you silence me when I’m vulnerable. I hope you like that break from me, because I love not having to hear you. Let me say, tonight you got my attention. Quite a bit of it. As I’m sure you will in nights to come. However, tonight I found a way to shut you up. You’re here but you’re quiet and I didn’t have to duct tape your mouth shut.

I will now go off to bed. I will watch TV and you will let me sleep. Tonight I won the battle! That feeling feels so good and you have no rebuttal. You’re not welcome. So take the walk of shame right out the door and into tomorrow. I will see you then and battle your overbearing ways once again. I’m fine! I’m enough. I’m normal and I don’t need you. Goodnight anxiety.

 

Not sincerely, not in love with you at all,

 

Jessica.

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About Jessica Donovan

As a New Jersey native, Jessica is a banker turned stay at home mom to 2 girls. Growing up as an only child, both of her parents were functioning drug addicts until they lost the ability to function. Their untimely demise came in 2004. As a result, Jessica is no stranger to anxiety and depression. With a love of writing since her early teens, putting pen to paper has always been a source of therapy and comfort. She believes talking about addiction and mental illness is important for removing stigma. Her hope is that sharing her story will empower others to get the help they need to stop the cycles of addiction. Jessica is also a pretty badass cook and even though she doesn't have the space to garden, she loves growing vegetables and keeping house plants alive. She runs her own blog at roadtoharmony.com and is a contributor for mytrendingstories.com. Should you want to have deep conversations about addiction, share a recipe, trade tips on gardening or just say hi, you can contact her at harmonyroad4@gmail.com.
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9 Comments

  1. Thank you very much,

  2. Goodness no! You are not alone! <3

    • I can totally relate so I thank you for allowing me to feel even for a moment ” a part of”, rather than “apart from”. Even with ten years clean, it still at times be totally overwhelming. BLESS _/l\__

  3. Thank you so much for this piece. I have the same horrifying anxiety which led me to believe I was the only one. Now I feel as though I am not alone. We can beat this!

  4. Thank you for your support!

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    Sandra Jean (aka RubyJean)

    You’re not alone, Jess. You have friends who are pulling for you. One of them is me.

  6. Very powerful loved this.xx

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